Baby Travelling Argument

[NorthernDadJ]

Hi All - need some advice support from you all. My and my partner are having an almightly row and I want to hear your views - am i being unreasonable or is she? I will try and write this as objectively as possible.

We have a 4 month old baby at the moment and in five weeks time my nan (his great grandmother) is having her 90th Birthday party in London (some 250 miles away). My grandmother and indeed all of this side of my family has yet to meet him (and this is the opportunity) and I now feel pretty strongly that we should attend as a family. (My partner, the baby, her 8 year old (from a previous relationship - but effectively my son, and my dad who would travel with us). My partner is completely adamant that the trip would be too much for the baby and is refusing absolutely point blank to go. She will not let me take him either on my own (well with my dad) as she wouldn't not want to see him for the couple of days that would be involved.

I can see some merits in her arguments - clearly its a long car journey and the baby (and liam) might not enjoy the trip. I also accept that she shouldn't be away from him for that amount of time. For my part I am prepared to take any step to get them there (hire a bigger car for the weekend, break up the journey over three days and stay in nice hotels) yet she is completely adamant she will not go. Even if we took four days to get there its not as if she would miss anything (she's on maternity and liam will be on school hols)...

Thats it in a nutshell, obviously there is more in terms of further arguments and counter arguments but I'm sure that you can see those for yourselves. Am I being unreasonable???

OK, reading the rest of the thread- what problems have you had? Have you done something to upset her, or has your family been unpleasant/cold towards her? That's the only thing that imo would make her refusal ok. If you've been nice to her and your family have been welcoming (of her older child too- my ex was a real dick about my older daughter sometimes, so if you're like that then I wouldn't be surprised if she didn't want to go with you and your dad in a car with both kids), then frankly she's being a bit of a cow and you should dump her and go out with me instead :P (kidding, obvs- you're probably 50 and an axe murderer what with all this being on the internet).

OK and you're saying you'll pay for everyone to stay in nice hotels too, and presumably the 8yo can have some kind of electronic game to play in the car (my 9yo could easily play Angry Birds for an entire day, so would be no complaints there), or read if they don't get travel sick. Dude, she's a total whiner!

I don't think we have enough to go on.

Maybe your wife thinks your baby would scream the whole way. Maybe she's worried about the baby doing a toxic poo that leaks all the way up his back while you're on the motorway and can't stop to change him, thus resulting in a permanently poo-stained car-seat.

Maybe the baby isn't putting on sufficient weight, and she thinks the car-drive would affect that.

Maybe she's convinced the baby only sleeps at night if he has his bottle in your living-room armchair.

Maybe she's petrified of forgetting something important/leaving something in a hotel.

Maybe she doesn't trust your driving. A mumsnetter posted last year about foffing her husband off, because the man was a terrible driver, and in addition, wouldn't stop for anything. "It's only another half-an-hour, dear, I'm sure the baby can wait that long," style of thing.

There's so much potential back-story.

Foffing should read as fobbing.

Not sure what foffing is, and don't want to know...

YANBU ,but i can completely see why she doesnt want to go , the idea of making that sort of journey with a 4 month old would of made my toes curl . She is being totally selfish though ,she almost certainly knows this ,which is why she is being so defensive .
Where will you be staying when you go to london ? it may be the idea of staying in someone elses home that is putting her off or staying in a hotel ?
The baby will not suffer on the journey ,lets be honest it will probably sleep most of the way and there are various things to entertain an eight year old .
Is she anxious about going on the motorway , i have to admit my anxiety levels when my child was this age were through the roof and i am normally a very laid back person . Perhaps suggest setting off really early so you avoid the heavy traffic and also make the journey quicker .

You sound as though you are being as flexible as you can , perhaps show her this thread ?

I wouldn't be that keen on doing it TBH. Even going to the supermarket was a PITA at 4 months.

But breaking up the journey and very good hotels, with breakfast in bed might swing it.

Have done trips at 4 weeks of 250 miles in car (Devon to London) with DH and London to Birmingham and back at 5 weeks with 21 month old ALONE.

Babies both breastfed. So think it is entirely straightforward. Worst come to worst and they shut the motorway for 4 hours (this happened to me I swear) can always BF baby if traffic is stationary/engine off. Fortunately DS2 slept throughout all journeys. Stop once to feed and have a bit of a run round. Dragging it out over days sounds hellish.

But maybe she doesn't want to go? Maybe she is feeling a bit sensitive, I get pissed off staying with DH's family, like they are constantly scrutinizing my parenting and NOT IN A GOOD WAY!

YANBU have travelled with all of mine at varying ages from 3 months upwards, including driving to Paris, and flying longhaul to the states.

For me travelling when they are this small is the easiest as they are still pretty portable IFSWIM.

Should be IYSWIM

Took DD on holiday 600km drive away when she was 2.5 months. Was worried about it but she slept throughout. We took the odd break of course but that was more for the dog than the baby, as if we hadn't stopped I don't think she would have woken up.

Personally I don't take her on the train as I am worried she would upset the other passengers by crying. It's not a major sacrifice to give up one weekend to make an old lady very happy, and you can add a few days on and stop somewhere nice and have a real break.

YANBU

It sounds like your DP is getting a bit wrapped up in your immediate family unit and not really appreciating the joy it would bring to a 90 year old to meet her great-grandchild (and step GGC) and see her grandson happy with a partner. I think that we all have a tendency to dehumanise old people, especially ones we don't know. If it is the case, can you talk to her about what your Nan means to you, maybe show her pictures of you and her when you were a little boy, that sort of thing (nb this might be a bit difficult for her to swallow if, like many of us, you've been lax about visiting her for many years, but it seems to me that having your DS has maybe made you realise it's time to make up for that).

As other posters have said, at 90 she may not be around much longer. My Granny turned 90 last September, was in relatively stable health, but she took ill and died last month. It happens, sadly. It's also worth remembering that when you are 90 life can be pretty dull and hard going - reduced mobility, too deaf for the telly, too blind to read comfortably, so getting the chance to meet the baby will be a huge novelty for her. (unless of course she has a million grandkids and loads of other DGGs and is already getting them all mixed up .) And let's face it, we can sometimes have trouble finding much to talk about with the elderly if they don't really understand or identify with our jobs, social lives etc so the baby will be a lovely thing to bond over.

If your DP has a grandma of her own, perhaps ask her to think of it that way. If she has no grandparents, perhaps remind her that that is why she is maybe not realising the importance of the visist?

If it's really the big party occasion that DP is nervous about, can you maybe arrange for just you, DP and the 2 kids to visit another time? Your nan will be getting lots of attention at the party anyway, maybe she'd prefer to have a separate visit to look forward to once it's all over. You could send a big photo down in a card with your Dad, apologise that you can't be there (just make up an excuse), say you're all really looking forward to seeing/meeting her and set a firm date.

It does seem that there is no real physical barrier to DP and the baby making the journey, so maybe appealing to her better nature, in a gentle way, is the way to go. Let us know!

YANBU the baby will be fine. Your dp is being very unreasonable and should be more understanding of your need to show off the baby.

Ooooh I can top you all. I climbed Mount bloody Everest on my own with my 3 day old quadruplets fastened to my back and I had a CS and I was EBF them all. Because I am supermum and the rest of you are shit. [sticky out tongue face]

Seriously, it doesnt matter what you have done, we are not talking about you.

Sounds like there may be something more to this, and the OP needs to try and get to the root of it sensitively, not all "well all these super mums on mumsnet did it, and they went further than you wil have to,and their baby was younger than ours, and they were on their own, and they had more children with you and it was snowing etc"

*than you, not with you obv!

YABU - 3 adults, a baby in a car seat (which all take up just more than 1 car seat) and an 8 year old in a normal car for a journey where you need to stop every 2 hours (longest babies can sit in normal car seats) thereby making it a whole day, to go to a party full a load of strangers, where your DP will feel the need to look glamorous (regardless of what you say, she will) after a hellish journey, then have to turn round and do it all again back? I'd tell you to fuck off too.

Right, ways to make it more acceptable. Can you travel in 2 cars, can your father take your 8 year old DS in the day. Get a lie flat car seat (Jane do one, but in the flat mode it takes up over 2 seats in the back of most cars) so you can avoid the need to get your baby up every 2 hours (asking DP to go longer and risk the baby's spinal health wouldn't be a good idea right now) and you and your DP go over night the night before.

Is this a nice part of the world or near a nice part of the world? Can you tag a family holiday onto this and hire cottage an hour or so from the party venue, allowing you to make the whole trip not being about the party.

And re those talking about flying to the States etc, having done flights and long car journeys with DS before he turned 6 months, I'd always say flying was far far easier - you can walk up and down with them, feed them without having to stop your journey, you can hold them if they are grumpy and ask airline staff for help when you need it. It's really not comparable to being stuck with a baby crying in a carseat.

itsybitsy It does matter what other posters have done. OP is coming on here for advice, and when we give advice it is generally based on our experience. Giving him examples of where travel with a baby has or has not been difficult may help him make his point or understand his partner's POV better.

It's nothing to do with supermums or a competition.

Yes some have given advice after stating what they have done - others have added stuff like

Dude, she's a total whiner!

frankly she's being a bit of a cow

She's talking shite

Have never been able to get my head around people who can't travel with children

she is being ridiculous.

Very helpful

And it does read slightly like a compeition IMO.

When our son was 18 days old we took him to on a journey of 250 miles from London to Lancashire to meet all his granparents and his great grandmother who was dying and "holding on" to meet him. It was also Xmas!!!! We all survived. One thing we did (and still do when making the journey 22 years later) is to chose carefully the time to travel. Often very late at night when motorways are quieter. And NEVER on A Friday night if we can help it unless we leave at around 10pm!! (We have keys to the parents houses to let ourselves in!)

And also saying stuff like 'i travel 400 miles with my EBF baby on my own, she is BVU' without any explaination, or tips on how they do it is not helpful advice.

OP, YADNBU!

DH and I regularly drive a 1000mile round trip to see family with our 2DC's, and have a plan to do so when impending bump is 6wks old. We do it in one day as to split it just results in two days driving and we really don't get a rest as arrive in hotel, eat, sleep and get back in the car so find it easier to continue and chill when we arrive.

500miles takes us 9hrs (ish).

Well....I would say that babies of this age are easier than older babies / toddlers to travel BUT dd hated the car at that age because it aggravated her reflux. We did regular 110 miles trips from 3 weeks though. I'd have been nervous about a 250 mile jounrey in case she screamed and was violently sick (over the whole car) but I'd have done it IF. My dh had acknowledged it would be hard and done everything to ease things.

YANBU, DS was two weeks when we went from Dorset to Kent, 5 months when we took him on a longhaul holiday.

If needs be hire a bigger car and plan your journey so that you have accessible stops for BF, leg stretch etc, maybe leave a day earlier so you can overnight somewhere if you would like to.

It would be a shame if you all could not go to this event. As you say, perfect time to meet all of the family, and particularly for your grandmother. It's not far, but for the sake of peace you could stop off somewhere half way for a night to break it up. I find this more hassle than it's worth generally though.

I'd say something other than the journey is bothering her. Is she of a nervous disposition, not like meeting people, not social generally? Or is something else the reason? You can't force her, and while you could take your baby alone as it's FF, well you can't force her to agree to that either unfortunately.

I agree with most of the others - YANBU at all. It would be a real shame to miss this opportunity.
But maybe your partner needs a hug and some reassurance / to feel reassured etc (is she more worried about the visit/being there than the journey?)

Tips from when I have done similar journeys with a small baby: leave just before the baby is due a nap - then they will hopefully sleep most of the way - the 8 year old will be harder to accomodate! Take a mobile / musical thing for them for distraction. Feed, water and change before setting off. Have a grown up sit in the back to comfort / entertain them.
Allow more time than you need in case you want to pull over for a break at any point.