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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Baby Travelling Argument

156 replies

NorthernDadJ · 13/07/2011 19:18

Hi All - need some advice support from you all. My and my partner are having an almightly row and I want to hear your views - am i being unreasonable or is she? I will try and write this as objectively as possible.

We have a 4 month old baby at the moment and in five weeks time my nan (his great grandmother) is having her 90th Birthday party in London (some 250 miles away). My grandmother and indeed all of this side of my family has yet to meet him (and this is the opportunity) and I now feel pretty strongly that we should attend as a family. (My partner, the baby, her 8 year old (from a previous relationship - but effectively my son, and my dad who would travel with us). My partner is completely adamant that the trip would be too much for the baby and is refusing absolutely point blank to go. She will not let me take him either on my own (well with my dad) as she wouldn't not want to see him for the couple of days that would be involved.

I can see some merits in her arguments - clearly its a long car journey and the baby (and liam) might not enjoy the trip. I also accept that she shouldn't be away from him for that amount of time. For my part I am prepared to take any step to get them there (hire a bigger car for the weekend, break up the journey over three days and stay in nice hotels) yet she is completely adamant she will not go. Even if we took four days to get there its not as if she would miss anything (she's on maternity and liam will be on school hols)...

Thats it in a nutshell, obviously there is more in terms of further arguments and counter arguments but I'm sure that you can see those for yourselves. Am I being unreasonable???

OP posts:

woowa · 13/07/2011 19:32

YANBU but neither is your DP. My DH could not understand why i was so reluctant to travel with little baby. It was the mental effort required to think about packing up the car, not forgetting anything, when would we stop to feed, will she wake up and cry in a traffic queue when there is nothing I can do about it. When you're exhausted looking after children it feels like a massive deal to do something like you're suggesting, especially when it's the inlaws (i know this is wrong, but that's honestly how it feels). Staying in 3 different places would be EVEN worse to my mind as that means 3 lots of packing and unpacking, 3 different places to try to get 2 children to sleep.

So, i think you should all go, but i think you might need to be a bit more understanding of the mental and psychological block that might be standing in your DPs brain making her feel utterly unlike going. try not to row, that doesn't help either of you, it seems.

Hope that helps.

soverylucky · 13/07/2011 19:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PeopleCallMeTricky · 13/07/2011 19:32

Sorry don't know how I missed that you have already had the baby. Are you pulling your weight with the baby? Maybe she is worried that she will be left holding the baby at the party while you get pissed with your family, then she will be up several times in the night with the baby far away from home while you sleep the sound, oblivious sleep of the extremely pissed?

Nagini · 13/07/2011 19:32

YANBU if you break the journey up it wouldn't be so bad.

But it just sounds like she doesn't want to go. And if she doesn't want to go, you can't really take a 4 month old away from it's mum.

She's got you over a barrel really.

In her defence, it is daunting travelling with a small baby, the amount of stuff there is to sort out, and I don't think I would want to go either. I think I'd do exactly what she's doing so I didn't have to spend days and days travelling to see random ILs I didn't know.

wonka · 13/07/2011 19:33

YADNBU
I drove by myself with an EBF 2 month old a 2 year old and four and five year old from the south coast to wales to get a ferry to Ireland, my route was planned for pee stops, leg stretches and baby feeds, it was fine, I was tired but a nights sleep and I felt fine again. Get there the day before and have a good night settling the baby in before the party. You shouldn't miss your nan's birthday and its a good chance for everyone to meet the newest member of the family.

DuelingFanjo · 13/07/2011 19:33

yanbu - but it would be wrong of you to take the baby and not her. not sure what you can do if she refuses.

LidlPrincess · 13/07/2011 19:33

I think YABU. She's probably knackered and the idea of travelling all that way, meaning(as someone else said) the baby will sleep the whole journey....and therefore wont sleep at night, ruinging any routine or organisation you have in place, carting all the baby stuff with you (sterilising stuff too if bottle fed) being in a strange room, etc etc. No way on this earth you'd get me doing this. Not a chance in Hell.

Fontsnob · 13/07/2011 19:34

What are her reasons for it being too much for the baby?

Tolalola · 13/07/2011 19:34

YANBU - when ds was 4 months we flew 4,000 miles with 3 plane changes each way to see friends and introduce him to everyone and it was great.

Your dp is making excuses. Does she not get on with your family?

KaraStarbuckThrace · 13/07/2011 19:34

She is being completely unreasonable. My mum lives 280miles away and we have been going down to visit her with ds since he was 2mo old. we always go down in evening, if ds needed feeding we'd find somewhere to stop. ds is now 3.7 and we have a 1mo dd and we will be going down in the next few weeks to see her because it is important for the rest of family to meet her, mum stayed with us for a week. And I bf! has she said what her objectiond are?

IDrinkFromTheirSkulls · 13/07/2011 19:34

Yanbu this is sort of a "once in a lifetime" thing ad your parter should stop being a cow IMO. I don't mean any offence but how many more opportunities does she think your 90 year old gran will have to meet the baby?

A baby is more easily moved about the country than an elderly person.

Nagini · 13/07/2011 19:34

soverylucky I find the train infinitely less stressful. In a car you can't just cuddle the baby and pace and jig and change it and feed it etc. etc. like you can on a train.

squeakytoy · 13/07/2011 19:36

But with a train you have to lug all the baggage around, with a car you can take far more than you need "just in case", and also stop and start on the journey as often as you like..

Original poster

NorthernDadJ · 13/07/2011 19:36

Thanks All - To fill in the gaps baby is on formula milk (has been since birth) and is already sleeping from 8.30 pm till 7am straightthrough... Car is the simplest way to get there (train and flying would be more messing to be honest). She has never met any of my family... this would be the first time...

We have had relationship problems (as I guess everyone does) but I am trying to take this issue at face value...

OP posts:

BrawToken · 13/07/2011 19:37

She is BU. The baby will be fine - does she like your family?

cookcleanerchaufferetc · 13/07/2011 19:37

Could you book her a hair appointment to help her feel nice?

Car will be much easier so you can take all the baby crap - buggy, steriliser, bottles, nappies, wipes, towels, spare clothes, etc etc.

Tiredtrout · 13/07/2011 19:38

Yanbu, it would be very easy to break the journey up and baby would sleep for alot of it. It's not every day your great granny turns 90.

emsyj · 13/07/2011 19:38

I didn't say her opinion counts more, but if they don't both want to go, then he shouldn't bully her into it.

When DD was 4 months old I had spent 4 months getting up to feed her every 2 hours every night (bf, wouldn't take a bottle). DH slept in the spare room so that he could get a good night's sleep each night before work. So at that point, if I had said 'no, I'm not driving 250 miles with the baby), he would have had to lump it.

Of course there are people who have 17 kids, no help and happily drive from John O'Groats to Land's End for a weekend all the time and think it's no big deal - but your DP isn't one of them.

squeakytoy · 13/07/2011 19:38

Maybe she is just nervous of meeting all your family, but the baby is a perfect excuse to do it as you say, and it will be a talking point too.

She runs the risk of your family thinking badly of her if she refuses point blank to go, because there really is no good reason not to.

Laquitar · 13/07/2011 19:38

YANBU.
You sound nice and you have tried to offer alternatives.
I hope you go and you have lovely time.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 13/07/2011 19:38

I was invited to an important family party in Scotland (we live on the South coast of England) planned for when DS was 6 months old. At 2 months,when we found out about this, I was totally against going, thought it was far too far etc, but we did go, driving through the night and it was lovely to be able to introduce DS to the extended family. He didn't sleep well on the way up there, it has to be admitted and he and I flew back (we stayed a week, DH drove back to go back to work), but it all worked out just fine. What I am saying is that she might change her mind? Although not if you put on too much pressure. If she really won't go I don't think you should take DS without her though.

emsyj · 13/07/2011 19:40

I sense AIBU by stealth...

She doesn't want to meet all your family all at once in one go, in the knowledge (or at least educated suspicion) that they don't approve of her. And have her 4 month old in tow to boot.

This is nothing to do with taking a baby for a long car journey, is it?

ChaoticAngelofGryffindor · 13/07/2011 19:40

We don't know if she is knackered but we don't know if she isn't. I've had two DC and two totally different experiences. With one I could have made the journey no problem with the other the thought of a long journey would have filled me with dread.

OP how is your DP feeling. Is she breast feeding? How does the baby sleep?

I don't think you're BU to want to take baby but then I don't necessarily know whether or not your DP is BU on the info given.

fluffy123 · 13/07/2011 19:41

I took ds1 to Tenerife at 10 weeks and ds2 to Cyprus at 10 weeks. Do the journey how else to babies and children get used to travelling?

fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 13/07/2011 19:41

I just think she's nervous. Or doesn't like your family. Or feels intimidated at the thought of meeting them all in one go maybe?

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