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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Baby Travelling Argument

156 replies

NorthernDadJ · 13/07/2011 19:18

Hi All - need some advice support from you all. My and my partner are having an almightly row and I want to hear your views - am i being unreasonable or is she? I will try and write this as objectively as possible.

We have a 4 month old baby at the moment and in five weeks time my nan (his great grandmother) is having her 90th Birthday party in London (some 250 miles away). My grandmother and indeed all of this side of my family has yet to meet him (and this is the opportunity) and I now feel pretty strongly that we should attend as a family. (My partner, the baby, her 8 year old (from a previous relationship - but effectively my son, and my dad who would travel with us). My partner is completely adamant that the trip would be too much for the baby and is refusing absolutely point blank to go. She will not let me take him either on my own (well with my dad) as she wouldn't not want to see him for the couple of days that would be involved.

I can see some merits in her arguments - clearly its a long car journey and the baby (and liam) might not enjoy the trip. I also accept that she shouldn't be away from him for that amount of time. For my part I am prepared to take any step to get them there (hire a bigger car for the weekend, break up the journey over three days and stay in nice hotels) yet she is completely adamant she will not go. Even if we took four days to get there its not as if she would miss anything (she's on maternity and liam will be on school hols)...

Thats it in a nutshell, obviously there is more in terms of further arguments and counter arguments but I'm sure that you can see those for yourselves. Am I being unreasonable???

OP posts:
MilyP · 13/07/2011 19:41

YANBU to want to go. And she is being very unreasonable to point blank refuse. But do you think maybe it is because she doesn't want to face all your family at a big full on party where her and baby might well end up being centre of attention? Sounds like quite a daunting prospect if she is feeling tired and still getting into the swing of things with baby.

Could you all go, but then her not actually go to the party? I know that sounds odd, and only a solution if the main reason is as above. You might have to pretend she has stayed at home to relatives.

LidlPrincess · 13/07/2011 19:42

I agree with emsyj

thederkinsdame · 13/07/2011 19:42

YANBU. My DS did a 450 mile trip as a 5 month old. We travelled over 1,000 miles in a week. He was fine. Just plan plenty of stops for nappies/feeds and take some music to play in the car plus a few favourite toys.

DuelingFanjo · 13/07/2011 19:42

emsy, where do you read that his family don't approve of her?

OP - maybe you should compromise and make sure the meeting with the family isn't full on and exhausting for her. Could you get her to meet some of the family beforehand rather than overwhelm her?

foreverondiet · 13/07/2011 19:42

On the one hand I think she is being a bit unreasonable, for all the reasons you say, FWIW we have taken all the DC as tiny babies to Scotland to meet my parents and grandparents - 400 miles. It was fine but we needed to stop to BF! We did have a flat car seat - I bought it as I knew I'd be taking them as newborns on long trips. But by 4 months this is less of an issue.

But, doing anything when you are still getting up in the night, is not really any fun. If this is the issue could you find a way to help with this?

BoysAreLikeDogs · 13/07/2011 19:43

ok

I would baulk at first meet with the family being a big party, partic being 4 months post-partum

I think YABU

BUT

please take your partner and children to meet your family asap, but keep it low key

fatlazymummy · 13/07/2011 19:43

I remember taking my 1st baby over 300 miles when he was 10 weeks old. It was really easy TBH. He was on formula, we just took the steriliser, a couple of made up bottles and the rest of the tin with us. It would be even easier now with cartons of formula. If I remember he slept most of the time and we only stopped once.

Allinabinbag · 13/07/2011 19:45

There could be lots of things going on: she doesn't want to meet the family all at once, she's worried she looks a mess/fat (stupid but this is the kind of thing I would think) and not her best, she's worried the baby won't sleep/breastfeed/will scream endlessly, she would feel on show, she is a bit PND, you have glossed over issues with the baby.

It is possible, obviously, I used to drive alone with a baby and a toddler from London to elsewhere, breastfeeding the baby along the way, it did take AGES to get there and it was stressful on my own, I felt I had to so there wasn't much choice.

Four months is quite early, if she really really doesn't want to go and you can't get to the bottom of why, then I don't think going with your dad is such a bad option. I think men sometimes like to do the 'big introduction' thing, mine likes 'big family photos' and overlooks the fact that you may simply be feeling at your worst for years and very vulnerable.

babybarrister · 13/07/2011 19:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gapants · 13/07/2011 19:47

why has she not met any of your family? None? That does seem odd TBH.

TidyDancer · 13/07/2011 19:48

YANBU. And you have an equal say in this so her word is not the absolute end of it.

I think there's more at play here, but YADNBU. Your wife may have other reasons for not wanting to go, but she is being ridiculous if she just doesn't think a journey of this length is suitable for a baby.

I hope she sees sense and you all have a lovely time. :)

Glubs · 13/07/2011 19:53

Sounds to me like the baby isn't the real issue. Yes it would be stressful, yes it would be difficult and take lots of planning but she'd do it if she REALLY wanted to. There's another issue(s) here. You need to find out what they are, but without confrontation.
If she's never met any of your family it'll be a total in at the deep end experience and after such a long journey maybe she's worried they'll judge her if everything's not exactly as she would like it to be. Is she worried they'll judge her as there's another child there who isn't part of 'their' family?
I don't think there's an easy solution but you won't solve it unless you sit down calmly to discuss it properly without arguing. Listen properly to each other and be totally honest.

wigglesrock · 13/07/2011 19:53

YANBU, but I feel she must have more reasons than the journey. I'm just back from a holiday with a four month old and a 3 and 5 year old on a plane. We also take the kids on day trips that would involve a 180 mile round trip. I formula feed also and have used the ready made up cartons and the microwave steriliser bags, very handy if you don't want to lug the steriliser about.

emsyj · 13/07/2011 19:54

"She has never met any of my family... this would be the first time...

We have had relationship problems (as I guess everyone does) but I am trying to take this issue at face value..."

Reading between the lines TidyDancer

whackamole · 13/07/2011 19:54

We travelled 250 miles when our twins were only 6 weeks old. It was very cold, snowy, and our car broke down about 50 miles from our destination, so we were towed to a service station and had to wait about 4 hours to be towed the rest of the way. It was far easier coping with the 2 babies that it was my 7 year old DSS who was bored to tears!

I was also the driver BTW so it wasn't like I got to have a kip in the back. She is being completely unreasonable, the baby will be fine, she is using him as an excuse.

emsyj · 13/07/2011 19:54

Oops meant Duellingfanjo there not TidyDancer

BoysAreLikeDogs · 13/07/2011 19:55

why have you never introduced your partner to your family?

BambinoBoo · 13/07/2011 19:55

YANBU, but I was like this when my DS was that little. I didn't want to be away from the nest and feared that if I went away we'd all die in a horrific car/plane/whatever crash. Haven't read the whole thread and probably already been said, but is PND possible? It was the reason in my case.

whackamole · 13/07/2011 19:56

Also when this baby is born, in October, I will be hopping on a train by myself to go and visit family, probably when he is about 6-8 weeks old.

GiveMeSomeSpace · 13/07/2011 19:58

We took our 4 month old together with 1 year old, 3 year old and 4 year old on a 190mile trip to South Wales, camped for 10 days and did the return journey in one day.

If you want to do things there is always a way. If you simply don't WANT to, then there willl be every reason on earth why you can't. It sounds like your wife simply doesn't want to.

seeker · 13/07/2011 20:01

"No way on this earth you'd get me doing this. Not a chance in Hell."

Not even for a 90 year old's birthday party, Lidlprincess?

Maybe the princess bit of your name is accurate.......

beanlet · 13/07/2011 20:05

Unless she's incapacitated/got PND/thete's some nasty issue with your family you're not telling us, YADNBU. We took DS on the train that distance to see his Granny when he was two weeks old and I had had a CS. He flew to LA when he was 4 months old, and has been commuting weekly on the train 4 hours one way since he was tiny.

Disagree totally that the train is bad with babies - I do it all the (bloody wearisome) time and it's absolutely fine. Mind you, I am BF if that makes a difference.

The baby should not be a reason not to travel that distance - but there might be a whole lot more to it. I would hate for you to use MN to browbeat your partner into thinking she's being silly if, in fact, she's got jolly good reasons not to want to go.

Laquitar · 13/07/2011 20:05

Yes, maybe she is tired and maybe she is nervous etc.

But sometimes we do things even we are tired i.e. for a 90th birthday.

BoysAreLikeDogs · 13/07/2011 20:07

still want to know why the family have not met the mother of your child

Original poster
NorthernDadJ · 13/07/2011 20:07

Why has she not met my extended family? Opportunity I guess - I`m an only child with just my dad left (Mum died five years ago)... His Family is all from South London and I was brought up in the North West so we aren't a particluarly close family... There just hasn't been an event or something to organise a visit around... nothing sinister... (we have been together for 2.75 years) some of the tips you've mentioned are really useful and can hopefully smooth it through...

OP posts: