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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Baby Travelling Argument

156 replies

NorthernDadJ · 13/07/2011 19:18

Hi All - need some advice support from you all. My and my partner are having an almightly row and I want to hear your views - am i being unreasonable or is she? I will try and write this as objectively as possible.

We have a 4 month old baby at the moment and in five weeks time my nan (his great grandmother) is having her 90th Birthday party in London (some 250 miles away). My grandmother and indeed all of this side of my family has yet to meet him (and this is the opportunity) and I now feel pretty strongly that we should attend as a family. (My partner, the baby, her 8 year old (from a previous relationship - but effectively my son, and my dad who would travel with us). My partner is completely adamant that the trip would be too much for the baby and is refusing absolutely point blank to go. She will not let me take him either on my own (well with my dad) as she wouldn't not want to see him for the couple of days that would be involved.

I can see some merits in her arguments - clearly its a long car journey and the baby (and liam) might not enjoy the trip. I also accept that she shouldn't be away from him for that amount of time. For my part I am prepared to take any step to get them there (hire a bigger car for the weekend, break up the journey over three days and stay in nice hotels) yet she is completely adamant she will not go. Even if we took four days to get there its not as if she would miss anything (she's on maternity and liam will be on school hols)...

Thats it in a nutshell, obviously there is more in terms of further arguments and counter arguments but I'm sure that you can see those for yourselves. Am I being unreasonable???

OP posts:
LtEveDallas · 13/07/2011 22:26

I think it is very unfair of her to say that she won't go, and neither will she let you take the baby without her.

If you really want to go, and she really doesn't, then take the baby yourself. Child isn't BF'd, so no reason why you can't go without your partner.

I really think you should go, this could be the only chance your gran gets.

NinjaTurtle · 13/07/2011 22:28

YANBU
I travelled 3 1/2 hours by train (including one change) with DD and a large suitcase alone when she was 6 weeks old. Have also done the exact same journey two more times, when she was 4 months and nearly 6 months. Yes, it was tiring, (even more so, since DD was a seriously colicky baby) although that was probably more to do with the heavy suitcase, so I would say that doing a similar journey in a car is pretty easy in comparison.

bubaluchy · 13/07/2011 22:35

Does she have issues with the family or something it sounds like you are not being unreasonable

BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability · 13/07/2011 22:49

Another one whose DS has travelled and is alive and kicking. Went to Greece when he was 6m and have driven to Scotland and back three times in the last two months.

I would say she is nervous about meeting your family while still feeling shit from having a baby. But she is still DBU.

GiveMeSomeSpace · 14/07/2011 09:38

I think you've probably picked up on the trend in this thread. Of course it's a manageable journey. One poster wrote that it's irrelevant what others have and haven't done. I disagree - I think most people here have shown that you can make journeys like this work if you want to.
Sounds like your wife hasd firmly made up her mind and won't even consider a compromise or work around. Not a good sign for the years to come, me thinks.

hugeleyoutnumbered · 14/07/2011 09:58

I would seggest travelling early morning about 3am, that way your dc would be asleep, you will get the vast part of the journey over with by 6 at which time am guessing dc would be waking up, feed change and arrive at your destination. We travel frequently 200 miles with our 3 ds and have done since ds1 was tiny, we used to pack more for him than we do for all of us now.

the thing is there may be other reasons why your dp doesn't want to go, baby weight maybe? Get to the bottom of why shes doesn't want to go and solve the problem? it would be a lovely weekend away

MrSpoc · 14/07/2011 10:17

Not sure what her reasons are for not wanting to go. In fact she doesnt need a reason, if she doesnt want to go then no one can make her.

BUT she is bang out of order for not letting you take the baby. Well it is also yours and she does not have sole rights over it.

Emyj - What plannet are you on?

worldgonecrazy · 14/07/2011 10:34

We have regularly done long journeys by car and train since LO was born, with no problem. We just stopped every couple of hours for a break and a breastfeed.

I agree with the other posters who think there is another underlying reason. Could it be depression, maybe feeling frumpy because of baby weight, fear of what relatives will think. Has your partner got a good relationship with your relatives?

BuntyCollocks · 14/07/2011 10:58

Yanbu. She's talking shite. We drive 260 miles every month back to Scotland to see our families with our ds, and have done since he was 2 weeks. He sleeps the whole way.

BuntyCollocks · 14/07/2011 10:59

Oh, and that's 260 miles each way, not total.

TotemPole · 14/07/2011 11:09

By the time DD was 4 months I'd taken her on a few 250 miles each way journeys by train, by myself. I was breast feeding.

I think there must be another reason why she doesn't want to do it.

M0naLisa · 14/07/2011 11:12

Ermmm baby at that age should sleep most the way there.

She is BU.

ninedragons · 14/07/2011 11:15

I have a four-month-old and we're about to go to Japan for a fortnight.

She's being unreasonable, or using the baby as an excuse.

ScroobiousPip · 14/07/2011 11:17

I think it depends on the baby. DS was great on trains and aeroplanes (30hr flight at 4 weeks old was a breeze) but he hated being strapped into a car seat from about 3mo. I once did a 3 hour journey in the car and he screamed the whole way there. Even on overnight trips he would wake up and cry. In the end, I decided not to travel by car on long journeys again until he was older - it just wasn't worth the grief.

OP, is your baby a good traveller? If not, I don't think your partner is being U. Also, even though trains and planes may be more faff, they're actually easier with a baby because they don't need to be strapped into a car seat the whole time. Perhaps you could think about those options again instead?

fraktious · 14/07/2011 11:25

YANBU for thinking the journey is doable, and I say that as someone whose 3mo DS hates his carseat. We were planning to fly longhaul back to Europe to see family this summer and do plenty of travelling around.

BUT.

Asking your partner to meet your extended family following a long journey 4 months postpartum is a big thing. Is she feeling less than her best? Was it a difficult birth that she's still recovering from? Does she have something nice to wear which fits and has she been to have her hair done? (Shallow, maybe, but she might feel she wouldn't make a good first impression).

Can she travel down and then not actually go to the party? Would that upset your family?

whoneedssleepanyway · 14/07/2011 11:42

YANBU - I took DD2 to my brother's wedding 300 miles away when she was 3.5 weeks old.

And I was BF so for all those saying that if she is BF YABU that is complete bollocks. Because I was BF we took the decision to get the train and it was fine, we reserved seats and I fed her comfortably whenever she needed it. The only stress was the stuff we had to take but we managed to get my dad to take the car seat up with him in the car and we had buggy and other stuff and she slept in the bed with me at the hotel but there was a travel cot in the room if we needed it.

I think your DP is making excuses and doesn't really want to go, I would get to the bottom of that first and understand what her reluctance is down too.

Shiner · 14/07/2011 11:45

Your partner sounds similar to my SIL, who since the birth of her baby 15 months ago has missed a family wedding, family funeral and every other family event which involved travelling up to 150 miles, on the basis that it would be too much for the baby. My DH and I can't understand SIL's behaviour, except to assume that she is a rather fragile person who doesn't realise it, but can't cope with pressure or stress of any sort.

Might your partner be working at her personal limits with a new baby, and fearful that she won't cope?

We had to travel a bit (200-800 mile journeys) in the first year when our twins were born, and sometimes it was a real stress; they cried, traffic jams etc. We found that taking frequent breaks to do something familiar (eg change their nappy) helped a lot, and even now we take lots of breaks so they can play. However, even when it felt stressful with travelling we always had the view that "it was worth it" because we wanted to maintain the links with our families.

lynniep · 14/07/2011 12:03

I dont think YABU - its what - a five hour journey? wont be much fun if the baby is unsettled but won't do any harm as long as it is broken up a bit ( maybe overnight as you said)
BUT maybe as other posters have said, theres more to it. Maybe she's feeling crappy, exhausted, unable to face large amounts of family. Can't be bothered looking for new outfits/can't fit into old outfits. Maybe she can't face all those folk clawing (sorry thats a bit OTT I'm just trying to describe how she might feel) at her nearly newborn child. Maybe she just can't be bothered with the hassle, full stop. Thats the way new mums feel sometimes, even ones not suffering from PND.
Plus theres so much sh*t you need to take away with a little baby. Stuff (sorry to generalise) most blokes dont even think about. It takes such a lot of organising/packing/unpacking.
I totally understand her not wanting you to take him yourself - for me that would have been an absolute no-no at that age. So don't even try to go down that route (ok, you have - don't bring it up again though!)
You need to try to get to the bottom of this. Because the trip being 'too much for the baby' is rubbish.

Pakdooik · 14/07/2011 12:08

She is being unreasonable

Merrylegs · 14/07/2011 12:27

It may be the thought of the journey that is overwhelming. But it is not going to last forever, is it?

One of my DD's most precious photos is of her as a tiny baby in the arms of her v proud great nanny (DH's grandmother). DD was 3 months at the time and we had travelled about 250 miles to see great nanny, who was 97.

Of course great nanny died shortly after but DD loves looking at the photo and I am so glad we made the effort.

I can't even remember the visit now, or if it was a hassle, but we have a great memento of it - a part of family history.

Bumpsadaisie · 14/07/2011 12:32

I just don't see what your partner's problem is.

It would be different if she had only just given birth etc. But he is 4 months old ...

We went to the north of scotland from cambridge when DD was 3 months. In fact its easier when they are that age than when they are toddlers!

Of course being away for three days and staying in hotels with a baby is going to require some effort but its not as if its anything unusual. After all it is your grandmother's 90th - not to put too fine a point on it, but she may well not be around much longer and surely it would be lovely for her to have her great grandson there.

Bumpsadaisie · 14/07/2011 12:36

Also, yes the whole thing may disrupt the babies routine and make for a sleepless night or two. But so what - she's on maternity leave and can just go with the flow and take it easy when you get back.

It would be different if eg she was back at work and would have to go in on Monday having done all this travelling over the long weekend before.

WibblyBibble · 14/07/2011 12:36

Well, she's not unreasonable to say you can't take him on your own, especially if he's being breastfed exclusively as would be normal for his age, pumping milk is a pain and doesn't work very well for some women. BUT YANBU to want to take him, and she's being a wuss about the travelling. I travelled much further with mine at that age to see family. It would be easier to go on trains than in a car, as then you can take turns with the baby and he wouldn't need to be strapped into a car seat the whole time if you did that, and you can get into London easily from pretty much anywhere on a train, unless you're a wheelchair user. Also, it's going to be a lot harder to travel with him when he's a toddler than it is now, ffs! Can you imagine keeping a toddler in a car seat for a long journey? They would go completely insane and hyper! So if she's wimping out of a journey now, does that mean you don't get to see your family until he's school age? I personally think babies are very easy to travel with up until they become mobile on their own. Also she would have support from you and your dad. I travelled that kind of distance (well, Scotland to Devon) on my own as am single parent because ex is a dickhead who dumped me when pregnant. So, YAtotallyNBU and I think she is BU and a bit spoiled-brattish.

SmethwickBelle · 14/07/2011 12:37

I don't think you're being unreasonable, I used to quite like long car journeys when DH would drive when DSs were tiny as they'd invariably sleep and I'd take a pillow and sleep too - bliss. Maybe you could sell the positive advantages like that, or like you say a break in the middle where she can have a hotel bed to herself for a few hours and a bit of room service maybe, if you pick a hotel with a spa maybe a massage thrown in?

It does sound like it is important to you for good reasons (not just to see one random relatives - it is a big family occasion) and that should be a factor in the decision. My first instinct was to think that "four months isn't four weeks" although then I remember there is a slump around four months when the reality of everything descends, broken sleep seems endless and the novelty has worn off in many respects so I understand why she is feeling resistant.

acatcalledbob · 14/07/2011 12:42

This is the best time to travel with children. We took DD from NE Scotland to SE England when she was 3 months old. It was a 13 hour drive including stops and we had a lie-flat carseat. Not had a car journey that easy with the DCs since then....