Baby Travelling Argument

[NorthernDadJ]

Hi All - need some advice support from you all. My and my partner are having an almightly row and I want to hear your views - am i being unreasonable or is she? I will try and write this as objectively as possible.

We have a 4 month old baby at the moment and in five weeks time my nan (his great grandmother) is having her 90th Birthday party in London (some 250 miles away). My grandmother and indeed all of this side of my family has yet to meet him (and this is the opportunity) and I now feel pretty strongly that we should attend as a family. (My partner, the baby, her 8 year old (from a previous relationship - but effectively my son, and my dad who would travel with us). My partner is completely adamant that the trip would be too much for the baby and is refusing absolutely point blank to go. She will not let me take him either on my own (well with my dad) as she wouldn't not want to see him for the couple of days that would be involved.

I can see some merits in her arguments - clearly its a long car journey and the baby (and liam) might not enjoy the trip. I also accept that she shouldn't be away from him for that amount of time. For my part I am prepared to take any step to get them there (hire a bigger car for the weekend, break up the journey over three days and stay in nice hotels) yet she is completely adamant she will not go. Even if we took four days to get there its not as if she would miss anything (she's on maternity and liam will be on school hols)...

Thats it in a nutshell, obviously there is more in terms of further arguments and counter arguments but I'm sure that you can see those for yourselves. Am I being unreasonable???

YANBU. I took DS from Tenerife to UK at 6 weeks old to surprise my Mum for her big birthday she was having. Then travelled 300 miles by train to visit DP's family who hadn't met him and back200 miles by train for weekend elsewhere with mum and her relatives. Then back by car 100 miles to mums and then back to Tenerife. DS slept the travelling mostly.

It depends on the personality of the 4 month old. Lots of babies do travel easily: they sleep in the car.

From my own experience, travelling with DS at that age was a nightmare and very stressful (but unfortunately unavoidable for us, since we live 200+ miles away from both DH's family and my family).

DS did not sleep in the car. At all. He would cry and scream constantly until we stopped and I BF him. Then he would cry and scream some more until the next time we stopped and I BF him. Etc. Etc.

YANBU. I have lugged babies up and down the country and across the Irish sea from 4 weeks. Unless you were planning on travelling by donkey, it really isn't that big a deal. And DS2 loathed his car seat, and we had to stop constantly. We all survived.

We travelled over 200 miles to go to a wedding with my first when she was 9 weeks old. Then similar again for another wedding the following weekend! She was BF and had reflux and I was recovering from a cs and a wound infection. So it's not like we were having an easy time of it. Yes it was challenging but it was definitely doable. It never even occurred to me not to go. If you travel down in one day, take plenty of breaks, stay overnight there and attend the party, stay another night and travel back the following day, then I'd think it should be ok.

There must be some reason why she's objecting. Does she have issues with your family? Is she excessively tired with a very demanding baby? Could she have a touch of PND? I think you need to stop fighting with her and find out why she really doesn't want to go.

Small babies are really portable. We took DS1 to France at 3 months and I was BFing too. The car often puts babies to sleep. I do think your DP is being a bit selfish OP. It sounds like a big family event and a great way to introduce your baby to everyone all in one go. This will also stop them visiting so it's a plus! If your nan is going to be 90, then you should definitely go. It's historic and I hate to be morbid but 90 year olds can um...leave us at any moment. How amazing to have four generations there and take a photo. It's not like you can arrange a gathering like that every few weeks.

We travelled to Africa with 4 month old twins, and I was breastfeeding. Before we went, I had to buy . pack and dispatch everything we would need for them for six months until our next leave (dh had gone ahead so I was on my own for this). I also had to buy summer clothes for us all (in Feb) and close up the house. It was hard, but we all survived; a couple of days away is a breeze!
It's all about her frame of mind, really.

OP. You've heard the epic treks that have been made with no alarming problems. What is it exactly that your DP is afraid of? It's one day, one event. She won't have to do it again. There's a 90 year old woman there who would like to meet her grandson. In the words of Ali G- Respect the Nan! She may not be around for long. I wish every day that my beloved grandmother could have met my DCs. She would have adored them. We named one for her (boy version of her name). What I wouldn't give for her to have met them. That's bigger than your wife being too tired or not fancying it.

The best thing about long car journeys with a baby is there is nothing you CAN do, so the perfect opportunity for YOU to catch up on sleep. Unless you're the driver obviously.

You could always suggest having all your family visit you instead... If I were your DP I think I'd prefer the long journey

The best thing about long car journeys with a baby is there is nothing you CAN do, so the perfect opportunity for YOU to catch up on sleep. Unless you're the driver obviously.

You could always suggest having all your family visit you instead... If I were your DP I think I'd prefer the long journey

YANBU
Another well seasoned traveller here. Regularly drive 200 miles to visit my DB and SIL with my DC's and am always the driver and usually alone. (DH works weekends). Have done this since DS was 6 weeks, now almost 3 and now have DD 7 months. Went to DB's for Christmas last year laden down with DS, 4 week old DD, a ton of baby stuff, presents...and the dog!

It the loading and unloading of the car that's the pain in the arse.

I always travel at night, do bath, pj's, milk/bf at home then leave about 7pm. Works well on many levels, DC's sleep all the way, traffic is usually quieter unless its the fucking M25 hell zoneand normally don't have to stop at all but never more than once.
Pack a bag with essentials to keep in the car with you, I once forgot a change of clothes for DS, he threw up all over himself and trying to get clean clothes out of the suitcase in the boot while he screamed and was covered in sick was not good! And DH was actually there that time.

And if you are the driver then there really is no issue, she can sit in the back with the baby and comfort him whenever.

Agree there may be more to this than just a car journey.

But be kind to her, she's obviously upset and anxious.

yes seeker, a right princess I am.

It's a 250 mile journey not a trip to the moon. Your partner is BU. As for meeting the family, well I suspect that the baby will be the centre of attention...and of course 90 yr old granny. She can escape much of the limelight whilst still meeting people and getting it all over and done with. We all have to meet in-laws for the first time at some point. I met mine (albeit a smaller group) on Christmas Eve for the first time and stayed there for 5 nights under their roof. I just got on with it, cranked up the small talk, asked questions here and there, helped with the food/drinks etc and it went smoothly. The more she builds this into some massive event the worse she will feel. Relax and the journey and the party will be fine....she might even enjoy it.

I do remember hating travelling when DS was a baby, it made me anxious, but only if i was driving on my own with him. And I did do it - drove across the country on my own with him when he was 5 weeks, took him to greece at 9 weeks...

Do you know the precise reason for your DP feels the trip would be too much for the baby? Is it based on being in a car seat for too long?

Is it worth considereing whether she feels depressed? PND isn't always obvious, it can mean feeling very withdrawn and not wanting to be in social situations, and she may well feel not at her best physically - have you talked this over with her in a sensitive, supportive way?

I can completely understand why you want to attend your Nan's party, and why it is important that you wnat to take your DP and baby, but also that it could be daunting for her. Does she know how proud you are of her and your baby?

What is the nature of the relationship problem? It seems v likely to be involved - because I would expect her to feel some sense of understanding about your nan's 90th and how important this is to you - and to have loyalty to you over it.

Whatever it is it won't be resolved by argumentative force. It needs careful listening and understanding and not taking anything for granted - and maybe letting her know how vulnerable you are - thinking about your Nan, how emotional this is for you, and so on. I mean - focus on the emotional currency of this, not the rights,, wrongs and 'the best argument'.

I flew my ds to australia when he was 4 months old

YANBU.

I had a 3 month old exclusively breastfed baby at a wedding 200 miles away.

There is surely some other issue as to why your partner doesn't want to go.

I drove the 300 miles to visit my Mum and sister alone with a 4 week old baby and 4 year old DS only 8 weeks after passing my driving test, so no, YANBU about the travelling.

However, like others have suggested, it seems like there is probably another reason for your DP's reluctance to go and the travel is an excuse.

I don't think it matters what others have and haven't done - your partner obviously doesn't feel able to make the journey (or doesn't want to). Perhaps it's best to 'give in' on this occasion and plan an alternative journey at another time. I would have been petrified and stressed at the thought of this journey and overnight stay in a strange place when my DD was that age. I would not have been comfortable with her going without me either.

Looking at it objectively, it doesn't seem much but nothing is objectivewhen you're the mother of a 4 month old!

YANBU, I've flown to France on numerous ocassions with both DS and DD when they were younger than 4 months. If you break up the journey, stop every now and then, no problem, baby will probably sleep most the time

We flew abroad for a wedding with my then 11 week old baby; he was fine and happy, no problem at all. And I've flown with both dcs when they were 4-6 months old, also straightforward and utterly doable.

The journey itself is very do-able with a baby that size - I have done similar journeys, as have lots of people here. It's an important family occasion, I can see why you so badly want everyone to meet your son - and your partner too. But your partner doesn't see it like this, to the extent that you're having a blazing row - I think that's the issue, why isn't she trying to see it from your point of view? As others have said, there must be something going on with her - either she's pissed off with you generally, or she's possibly even depressed.

I mean, she's not even considering any of your compromise options. It's a 90th birthday party! Such a big deal in any family especially if you're all close.

Haven't read all of this, so, at risk of repeating stuff - I took my DD to California and on a cruise around the Caribbean when she was 4 months old, she coped admirably! Have never been able to get my head around people who can't travel with children . . .

We had two close family weddings when DS1 was 2 weeks and 4 weeks old respectively. We flew to Portugal for 4 days when he was 2 months old, and then had a lovely 3 week trip in South Africa when he was 3-4 months old.

It is fairly easy travelling with babies at 4 months old. Plan breaks to the drive (2 hours max driving at any time if possible), but otherwise should be fine.

I did refuse to go to a friends' wedding in New Zealand. I thought if we were just starting to get to a routine/sleeping through the night, then 12 hours jet lag would be a disaster, whereas Portugal & South Africa were both pretty similar time zone to the UK.

I would go for it. Be gentle with your wife over it though, and listen carefully to whatever she is worried about. First big trip with a new baby can be difficult, and you end up with a packing list that takes two whole sides of A4 paper.

On the face of it I'd say she is BVU. I'm planning a holiday to France when this baby (being induced on Friday) is 4wks - driving to the Dordogne. Both sets of parents live 100+ miles and 250+ miles away yet we aim to see them all before 6wks with each baby.

Her being so adamant she won't go is worrying, IMO. Sounds like, to me, there could be a bit of PND going on?

YANBU. But I think your partner may be suffering from depression. Does she have family/close of her own you could talk to and get her to open up to, as it sounds like she may not listen to a word you say in her present state of mind?