AIBU to call my 14 year old dd a "fucking bitch"

[NotSuchASmugMarriedNow]

- i didn't say it outloud, I just said it to myself in my head

she is being absolutely vile and thinks she can talk to me like something she trod in and I am sick to the back teeth of being spoken to disrespectfully.

I spent £40 on art supplies for her art exhibition she is doing this coming Friday. Today I started a job and I might not be able to go to her exhibition because I might be working Friday night. I have paid for her and supported her and driven her to her art activities all year long - I told her today I might not be able to go because of work but that I would be able to get there for the after-party and she said

"if you can't come to the exhibition don't bother coming to the after-party - i'd be embarresed if you were there anyway"

her db, ds and dad can go, it's just me that can't.

I'm sorry to hear that Maryz. Drugs I would agree are personality changers and if your son was troubled, he may have been more susceptible to persuasion and the effects of drugs.

My dh was a drug user in his teens which resulted in him being diagnosed with schizophrenia in his twenties. His parents first thought they should leave him alone to work it out in his own way, then when he was ill they tried to stop his friends from seeing him and left his care to the doctors, despite what dh was saying. They had no experience of drugs and didn't know how to cope.

What dh says now is that he wishes they had paid more attention to him and had been stricter.

Looking back now is there anything you would have done differently? Have you spoken to your son about what he thinks happened? Were you on good communication terms with your son previously?

If it's any consolation dh did obviously come out the other end and is now absolutely fine. If your son wants to talk to someone who took every drug they could get their hands on and has come out the other end, please feel free to message me. dh will happily talk to him. Take care x

Rhubarbo you obviously don't have teenagers. If the child was never an angel to begin with then the difference wouldn't be so marked when it does happen. I have been where you are and just thought how does that happen? but it surely does! You can have an opinion on anything that is true whether you have experienced it or not but it has no real validity unless you can back it up.

BTW I would also say that I think the reason there is such unity between those going through it is because it IS so sudden and overnight.

The one positive I have seen from my own situation with a rebelling teenager is that once out the other side the child you knew and loved is still there exactly the same sweet good person they were! So it does at least make up for the times when you are taking the crap from them and think I wish I hadn't been such a giving parent when he was little as it was a waste of time! It isn't they just become someone else for a while (a year or so here).

noddy, do I need to have teens to offer a different perspective? I have worked with teens, taught teens and have watched my own nieces and nephews grow up.

A while ago I started this thread on teenagers and there were many other parents of teenagers who said that overnight change did not happen to them.

Are their points more valid because they have teenagers?

No but you have dismissed the fact that it can happen completely. I wouldn't come on here and give opinion on something I hadn't experienced. Obviously not every teen is the same but you say the 'kevin' syndrome doesn't exist and it does for many. Hides thread Ciao x

Maryz, what dh would say to that is all the time he was pushing the boundaries, he wanted his parents to take control. I know that custy once threw her son out (she has spoken about it on here before) and has called social services to take him away because she wanted to send him a very clear message that his attitude would not be tolerated. I think it worked.

Tough love is really really hard to implement when they are your kids, but it's worth a try?

You say he was always troubled, do you know what about? Was he a good communicator or not? Perhaps drugs offered him that release that he couldn't find anywhere else. dh is not and never has been a good communicator and struggles with emotions. He hates being told what to do yet is incapable at times of making even simple decisions. His life is a juxtaposition. I'm just wondering if your son feels the same?

Rhubarbo. My DD has been through the tearful/emotions all over the place stage. We talked it all through.
Then she did turn into Kevin.
I am the worst Mother in the world, because I will not allow her to leave the house in ripped/laddered tights. I am the worst mother because I insists she eats breakfast. I am the worst mother because I suggest that I supervise her education/homework.The list is endless.
My parenting hasn't changed. She has.
So yes. My DD was gorgeous, equitable, sociable and is now a nightmare. And that's why she's in the shed.

noddy, this is my opinion. You don't accept it, which is fair enough.
I think saying that changes happen 'overnight' is a bit of an exaggeration. I think there are signs leading up to it that are missed and then the one event that has been brewing up for a while is taken as the Kevin moment.

On this we shall have to agree to disagree. I had hoped that offering a different perspective and opinion might be of some help, but if I am just offending people (which is totally not my intention) then I shall leave so that you can come back onto the thread and offer more of your good advice to the OP and others. I don't want you to leave just because my opinion differs from yours. I would rather bugger off and hope there are no hard feelings.

at annwiddecomes DDin the shed.

Maryz I have worked with teenagers with AS and you have my sympathy, theirs is a confusing world full of conflicting emotions which they have great difficulty making any sense of.

I'm not now wishing to continue further on this thread in case it detracts from advice given to the OP, but feel free to message me or start a new thread and I'll be more than happy to chat

Amber. Curb your sniggering, it's not polite. Better to travel in hope.

AWA I'm on your side

Rhubarb0 - of course you are entitled to have an opinion. But why not give those of us who have/are actually experiencing the teenage years some credit and acknowledge that we might actually be right?

Saying that we could value an external perspective is like those who have never had children trying to advise parents on how to bring up their toddlers.

And just because you may have had experience of other peoples' teenagers does not in any way equip you for what to expect of your own.

Rhubarb, you are coming across as patronising

I accept you don't mean to

But you are

Why? Because I don't think it's as simple as an overnight change? If this was a thread about ghosts and I came on and said I didn't think ghosts existed and gave alternative explanations would I be patronising then or just offering another opinion?

I do not think it is that black and white an issue. You do.

I have apologised for offending anyone and have offered to leave so that the OP can get her advice and you can carry on agreeing with each other. Obv my opinion means sweet FA because I'm not in the teenage club and even if I was you'd tell me that my experience with my own means zero anyway.

Maryz. If this helps at all, what drugs will be doing for him is stopping him from thinking, because thinking hurts kids with Aspergers (sorry I'm probably going through stuff you already know). He cannot make sense of his place in society or even in life and he doesn't understand emotions very well or peoples reactions to him. Drugs offer an escape from this cruel and confusing world. He needs specialist help. There are plenty of Mumsnetters who suffer from this or who are married to sufferers that might be able to help more. As he gets older he will get better at coming to terms with who he is and being able to fit in more with society, but right now this is his security blanket and he won't allow you to pull it away from him. All you can do it keep assuring him that you love him, that your door is always open and when he does turn up don't question him, just accept his presence and make him feel welcome. They crave acceptance above all else (generalisation again) and he feels he has found it with this group. Prove to him that he can also find acceptance with his family and you will get him back, slowly. Best of luck x

rhubs, every person who actually lives with a teenager day in-day out on this thread, thinks you are talking out yo' arse

perhaps there is something in that ?

to carry on justifying why you are right and we are all wrong seems bombastic to me, and even more so because it is based on very little experience in my eyes

I also can't believe you are continuing to persist in telling Maryz how and why her son is behaving as he is, and what she should be doing about it.

She is being very polite about it, but I would be raging at you, tbh.

Not so. I linked to a thread that proved it.

Maryz do you really think I am such a shit? I thought that because I had worked closely with teenagers who had AS and a dh who took drugs I was being helpful. So sorry if you think otherwise

I really will piss off now. Thanks AnyFucker. I'll remember that being polite and offering a different opinion only gets you abuse and shat on from now on. Thanks for thinking I'm an arsehole. I'll just wish you well. Feel free to shit on me some more, I'm only a virtual person with no feelings after all.

Sorry again if I've shit up the thread. It was never my intention to offend or patronise but it was clearly your intention to knock me down.

abuse ?

shat on ?

knock you down ?

called an arsehole ?

oh dear

passive-aggression at it's very best