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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to wonder why a 20yo woman would go out with a 16yo boy

130 replies

unomania · 10/07/2011 11:49

My 16yo brother has a new girlfriend who is 20 and just can't get my head round it. I know its none of my business but I just can't understand it.

OP posts:
LadyClariceCannockMonty · 10/07/2011 14:40

Do they seem happy? That's all that matters in the end. I do think it's interesting to imagine the genders reversed. A lot of people who think this is weird probably wouldn't turn a hair at a 16-year-old girl with an older man.

As for being groomed for something ... Hmm

oila · 10/07/2011 14:43

If they are happy then who cares. People seem to think that the fact he can't drive is a problem (what if she can't or is happy to drive him), can't vote (most 20yos probably don't want to have intense political discussions with their boyfriend), can't drink (he can't but she can).

squeakytoy · 10/07/2011 14:44

He is old enough to join the army and fight for his country though Fabby.

In the USA he would be old enough to drive, but neither would be old enough to drink.

Not all 20 year olds lives revolve around drinking and clubbing, and plenty of 16 year olds can look older than they are, have fake ID and DO go drinking and clubbing...

cantspel · 10/07/2011 14:44

I dont beieve a 16 year old is a child. They will only be child like if you as a parent keep them that way.
They are young men who will in most cases be sexual beings and pasted puberty.

HelloKlitty · 10/07/2011 14:45

Yes in whose opinion is he oold enough to fight in a war sqeaky? Not mine that's for bloody sure.

messagetoyourudy · 10/07/2011 15:06

I can't believe you are all so hung up on the age thing.

I met my DH when he was 17 and I was 21 - we are still together and very much in love 21 years later!

His parents were far from happy when we got together as I was leading their 'young boy' astray. But to me he was such a kind, thoughtful, articulate, bright funny young man.

However he has got much hairier over the years!!

Thistledew · 10/07/2011 15:23

This makes me feel uncomfortable, and my feelings would be the same if it was the lad who was the elder.

At the age of 16 the boy is still a child in the eye of the law. There are things that he cannot do legally, such as purchase alcohol and watch designated 18 films.

I am perfectly aware that many 16 and 17 year olds do do those things- as did I at that ageGrin.

However, when I was that age, my parents were legally responsible for me. I didn't openly do those things in front of them, but they were aware, more or less, of what I was up to, and obviously made the consideration that I had the maturity to handle it.

The trouble with this age gap at that age is that if the boy were to want to do such things when he is out with the girl, it is her who has to make the decision whether she will condone it because she thinks him mature enough, or whether she will try to stop him if she feels he is not. This sort of power imbalance is not a healthy basis for any relationship.

There is also the issue that although she may be completely disinterested in doing anything that would be illegal for him, and he may be exceptionally mature, it is very unlikely that this would apply to all their friends. IMO it is an important part of any relationship that your partner is comfortable spending time with your friends, so a relationship that excludes them from their friendship groups would again not be the most healthy.

JoySzasz · 10/07/2011 15:31

cantspel they have not passed puberty at 16...they are still going through it.

Why do you think many boys have a massive growth spert at 16-18?

girls are done (mostly) ...having started that bit earlier...

Our 16 year old youngsters are still learning, and even though they might think with their bodies ,their minds still need a bit of help ... sometimes
Wink

TheFeministsWife · 10/07/2011 15:33

Reading most of the recent posts, just because a 16 year old isn't legally old enough to drink and get into clubs and bars doesn't mean they don't you know. Hmm I moved in with DH when I was 16, I never had any trouble getting into bars and clubs and getting served at that age either. In fact it was DH who frequently got ID'd when we were out. He still gets ID'd sometimes when buying alcohol at the age of 37. Lucky bastard, looks younger than me. [henvy]

JoySzasz · 10/07/2011 15:34

And in what country do young men of 16 get in-listed (and see action) these days...Confused

TheFeministsWife · 10/07/2011 15:38

Thistledew I can see what you're saying buy honestly all 16 year olds are different. There was a power imbalance in mine and DH's relationship from the start (still is [hgrin]) in that I hold most of the power and did even more so back then TBH. I'm more of a bossy dominant controlling person whilst DH is much more laid back and go with the flow.

TheFeministsWife · 10/07/2011 15:38

*but not buy

tyler80 · 10/07/2011 15:38

It doesn't matter whether most boys are more immature than girls of the same age, or that some boys won't have completed puberty. You cannot say that one particular relationship is wrong based on what is average.

TheFeministsWife · 10/07/2011 15:43

"I might be naive but I would like to think that a 16 year old CHILD would have no sexual experience"

Bloody hell Fabby by the time I lost my virginity at just 16 I was frigging gagging for it, having done everything but sex. I think you're coming at this from a very naive point of view.

BluddyMoFo · 10/07/2011 16:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

doughnutty · 10/07/2011 16:02

When I was 21 my bf was 17 (almost 18). At the time I thought he was the love of my life, he went off to uni and broke my heart. Big deal!
I think a case of mind your own......it's unlikey to last or cause any long term trauma.

ThePopsicleKat · 10/07/2011 16:46

If the age gap doesn't bother them, then that's their choice and it's not a problem.

Personally I would find it odd though; 4 years difference may be neither here nor there when you're in your late twenties/thirties etc. but at 16/20 there is probably a fair difference in maturity and lifestyle. I'm 21 and just finished uni, and personally would feel odd about going out with someone who has barely finished their GCSEs and can't (legally) go out to the pub with me.
But that's just me.

GiddyPickle · 10/07/2011 16:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadEyeMoodTEE2072 · 10/07/2011 16:55

Sex.

ChildofIsis · 10/07/2011 16:59

I started going out with DH when I was 14 and he was almost 21.
28 years later we're still very much in love.

Age makes no difference if there is a real connection.
You both grow together as the years pass.

lovesicecream · 10/07/2011 17:11

I have a 16 year old son, he's 6 foot 3 and looks older, even so I can't see what a grown 20 year old women would have in common with him!

HeadfirstForHalos · 10/07/2011 17:20

I started seeing my dh when I was 17, he was 32! I'm 31 now and we've been married 10 years Grin

4 years is nothing.

AmberLeaf · 10/07/2011 17:32

A few pages back cece posted about having had a younger boyfriend in the past who had lied about his age [claiming to be older]

Maybe the girl in question thinks he is older because of that?

TBH as long as they are both happy I dont see the problem.

tredafe · 10/07/2011 17:41

amberleaf- Surely you'd find out the truth very quickly though

maypole1 · 10/07/2011 17:44

She is immature so don't worry my oh 30 year old mate is seeing a just turned 20 year old girl

Its his first girlfriend ever and he's very immature so wouldn't be able to date someone in their late 20 even if he wanted to

To be honest just let them get on with it when shes in uni and he can't get into any pub or club and she has to pay for him when they go out it will soon get tired

And it also won't be much fun when he has to ask y our mum if he can go out and what time he has to be back

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