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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to wonder why a 20yo woman would go out with a 16yo boy

130 replies

unomania · 10/07/2011 11:49

My 16yo brother has a new girlfriend who is 20 and just can't get my head round it. I know its none of my business but I just can't understand it.

OP posts:

tinkertitonk · 10/07/2011 12:30

If they make each other happy, where is the problem?

squeakytoy · 10/07/2011 12:31

Why Fabby? what would your grounds for concern be?

I see so many people here saying it is wrong, and that it is suspicious, but why? They are both legally old enough to have sex if that is part of the relationship. I am absolutely amazed at some of the posts on this thread which practically imply the poor girl is some sort of child molester.

TheFeministsWife · 10/07/2011 12:32

FabbyChic HOW do you think you could stop him, really? I moved in with DH 3 months after being with him, and gosh guess what I was 16. My dad tried to stop me, I told him to fuck off, I was going anyway. In the end he helped me move.

ScarlettIsWalking · 10/07/2011 12:33

"Ive an 18 year old son, if when he was 16 he dated a 20 year old I'd certainly have had something to say about it and would NOT have let it continue."

How on earth can you NOT let it continue? What do you think she will do to him exactly?

TheFeministsWife · 10/07/2011 12:33

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows He's not school age, 16 year olds have just left school!

udupper · 10/07/2011 12:34

How long have they been going out? ie was he overrage when it started because that would worry me if he wasn't. How does the relationship because presumabley it will be unequal as she will have more money, be able to drink, drive etc. It must create a strange dynamic in the relationship.

WannaBeMarryPoppins · 10/07/2011 12:34

TheFeministWife I agree, it doesn't suggest immaturity or anything, simply that two people get along well.

We don't know this couple at all. You don't have to be immature to get along with people a few years younger than you. It all depends on the person. Maybe them being at different stages in their life will work out for them, maybe it will mean this is a shirt thing and ends soon enough because of this. We can't say, obviously!
And it's not comparable to a 12 and 16 year old A 12 year old is not out of puberty, above the age of consent etc.

tyler80 · 10/07/2011 12:35

I went out with a 16 year old (more of a fling really) when I was 23.

Shoot me now

TheFeministsWife · 10/07/2011 12:35

Do a lot of people here actually realise the age of consent is 16 in this country?

papermate · 10/07/2011 12:36

16 year old boys are immature, that to me is why i find it revolting. If he were over 18 and she were 22 Id find it more acceptable.

cece · 10/07/2011 12:36

When I was 21 I 'went out' with a 17 year old. However, at the time I didn't know he was seventeen. He led me to believe he was older. Sadly for him it became quite apparent when his birthday came along and I realised it was his 18th! LOL

TheFeministsWife · 10/07/2011 12:36

Shit keep forgetting to use the Harry smileys. [hgrin]

squeakytoy · 10/07/2011 12:36

FeministsWife I dont think they realise that most teens are getting to grips with that sort of thing quite a while BEFORE their 16th birthday ..

Better if he gets his 20yo girlfriend pregnant than a 15yo one too...

fgaaagh · 10/07/2011 12:40

papermate, you said "16 year old boys are immature, that to me is why i find it revolting".

No, what you meant was "some 16 year old boys are immature", right?

likale · 10/07/2011 12:41

I do think its unusual but I don't find it sinister in anyway, my only worry would if it had started before his 16th birthday as that might make her a paedophile.

CurlyBoy · 10/07/2011 12:44

4 years is a pretty big gap at that age. It is a far bigger difference than say between 26 and 30. I speak from experience because when i was a lad of 16 I also dated a 20 yo. Now I have to say that my eyes were REALLY opened by it and the experience served me well in later years! I'm sure she has her reasons but I'd probably question her motivation.

TheSecondComing · 10/07/2011 12:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LostMyIdentityAlongTheWay · 10/07/2011 12:48

well, I haven't read all of the posts, so forgive if I'm repeating... at a guess, I'd say it's becuase they fancy the arse off each other and are enjoying some red hot sex?

Lucky fuckers. Comments like 'would you be happy with...' or 'how would you feel if' aren't really applicable, IMO. That's not the scenario here, surely?

Not saying I think it's exactly perfect in terms of the ideal relationship perhaps, but then again, who's to say? Depends totally on the people involved.

God. I bet their sex life is awesome...

tinker316 · 10/07/2011 12:49

When u was 17 I was with some1 13years older than me!!
We were 2gether 4 3years-nobody said anything about the age difference!
Age is just a number

FabbyChic · 10/07/2011 12:49

A 20 year old is far more experienced in relationships and sexually than a 16 year old. A 16 year old is not old enough to drink in pubs, whereas a 20 year old has probably spent some time in drinking establishments.

The age gap is too much at 16 and 20. But would not be a problem at 25 and 29.

Its about emotional maturity and sexual maturity.

I have over the years encouraged both my children to remain sexually in active until late teens i.e 18/19, children grow up far too soon nowadays, and I wouldn't want my 16 year old feeling like he has to lose his virginity becaues he has a 20 year old girlfriend.

LadyBeagleEyes · 10/07/2011 12:52

My son is 16 and much as I adore him, I'd be surprised if a 20 year old girl would be interested in him.

LostMyIdentityAlongTheWay · 10/07/2011 12:55

Fabby, of course, all of your comments are totally right. But I still think the reasons given above by me, and others, are probably true.

I teach secondary age. If you ahve got a scenario where a 16yo boy is going out with a 20yo girl, then I wish the parents much luck in encouraging him to break it off. Good luck with that one, then? . At that age, he'll think he probably knows just about everything, if he's into having a girlfriend in any case, and seeing as an 'adult' (i.e. the girlfriend) is giving him different message to the parents, it's not hard to work out which way he'll jump.

squeakytoy · 10/07/2011 12:56

Oh dear... my mum would have dearly liked me to remain sexually inactive until I was 30 I think!!.... she hadnt a clue what I was upto when I was 15

I would say this couple probably share the same interests maybe in music, computer games, sports.. who knows.. obviously there is something that attracts them to each other.

Not all 20 year old girls are binge drinkers with a voracious sexual appetite and a long list of previous conquests.

notnowImreading · 10/07/2011 12:57

In theory, I would freak out about this. In practice, my 17yo brother had a 20yo girlfriend. They got married when my brother was 22 and 10 years later they are the happiest married couple I know.

fgaaagh · 10/07/2011 12:59

Um, everyone is assuming here that these adults are sexually active. That's not always the case - probably in a lot of cases it is, but not all.

When DH and I met (at 20) at uni, we moved in together and lived together for over a year before we had sex. And that was the first time for both of us, and yes, we did drink, and there were no religious reasons (at all - neither family has any religious tendancies whatsoever), I just wasn't ready. So, er, it's not always about the sex as teenagers!

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