Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset at this children's party?

452 replies

sadaboutthismum · 07/07/2011 19:19

I'm not sure if I am or not .
DD came home tonight and told me, very matter of factly, that a child in her class is having a year 6 leavers party and disco at his house. He was giving out invitations this week in front of the children who have not been invited. Two teachers are going aswell..

There are 37 children in the year group. 32 have been invited. My DD is one of the children that hasn't.

Obviously I won't do anything but I feel sad that an adult has organised a big, special party and excluded 5 children from it.

DD has never fallen out with this child, BTW. I don't know, I have quite a good sense of fair play and to me that means all children in a big party situation are invited. Obviously very different for a small party .

OP posts:
Hulababy · 08/07/2011 14:39

Hope the teacher can sort something out about it all soon.

Original poster
sadaboutthismum · 08/07/2011 14:39

Nesta - nothing at all wrong with half the class. Smile

OP posts:
ExitPursuedByAGryffin · 08/07/2011 14:39

And thanks DoMeDon xposted.

Hulababy · 08/07/2011 14:41

Nesta - half the class is fine. But I think once you go much above half the clas thnen you need to invite them all. Likewise - if doing all boys, you can;t just leave one or two boys out, onc you;ve gone beyond half, you really need to have them all.

Original poster
sadaboutthismum · 08/07/2011 14:45

I have always done :

Everyone
All boys or girls
Handful.

Seems to work.

OP posts:
thefirstMrsDeVere · 08/07/2011 14:45

I dont think the whole class needs to be invited to a birthday party particularly if its all done discreetly.

BUt this is different its a school leaver 'do' and even the teachers are invited!

I dont invite the whole class to a bog standard party. I cant afford to. This is different though isnt it? Particularly if its only the geeks and kids with SN who are left out.

I blame 20 years of bloody American high school kid's programmes Hmm

RockStockAndTwoOpenBottles · 08/07/2011 14:51

Nesta as Hula says - when my older children were smaller the general guide was anymore than half the class invited, then the whole lot ought to be included. Reading through this thread has saddened me to see how many of you and your children have had horrid experiences over the years. Jees, I'm dreading DD3 starting school if this is what it's like nowadays. Sad

Having done 24 birthday parties with my big ones, DD3 is unlikely to have any Grin as I've had my fill of them over the years! I was thankfully before the age of competitive party parenting with them, but it would seem from reading various threads on MN that the competition is now hideous and ridiculous amounts of money appear to be spent on them.

OP - I hope that this has been a horrible mistake, but it seems increasingly like it isn't. So sad.

NestaFiesta · 08/07/2011 14:53

MY DS1's class is a third boys to two thirds girls. About half have invited him to parties this year and about half have not. I have invited about half and handed invites out myself i.e not via teachers. We simply don't have the money to throw a party for 26 kids every year and I for one will be happy when we break free of this culture of feeling we have to pay for 26 kids to got to soft play/a community hall.

In my day (cue Hovis music) we'd have six kids round for jelly and ice cream and musical statues and nobody would hold grudges. People are skint these days and parties are expensive.

Back to OP- YANBU about your DC being left out. Leaving five out when they're at an age where they talk about this stuff is wrong.

RockStockAndTwoOpenBottles · 08/07/2011 14:58

nesta Grin yep, jelly and ice cream for me too! Bit of pass the parcel thrown in, few sausages and sandwiches and that was about it. I look back on them fondly, but I am 103 ish!

stealthsquiggle · 08/07/2011 15:08

Half a class absolutely fine IMHO.

As for excluding the disruptive party-spoilers which someone referred to, I think I would invite them, but talk to their parents and point out that they were very disruptive last time and please could they stay with them. Maybe.

DD's year as just been split into 2 classes for next year. The most "challenging" children are in the other class - so I could just invite her class - except that her "best friend" is also in the other class - so now I am wondering whether I can get away with class + best friend or whether that would leave other friends who are not in her class feeling left out Confused.

OP I entirely agree that being billed as an End of Year party changes the rules. Given your description I would put money on the missing invitations being miraculously "found" in the bottom of party child's school bag.

NestaFiesta · 08/07/2011 15:14

RockStock- I totally agree- it's gone mad with the competitiveness. I feel the same way myself- my DS1's party has to be as good as the last one he was invited to or people will talk. How did we get into this?

I disagree with spending loads of money on it but who dares to be the first parent who says- "No chance, it's all got a bit silly. You can have ten mates round for ice cream and sod the mess. I don't care who invited who and whose toes I tread on, the budget's £20 like it or lump it". The first parent who says that will do us all a big favour. Oh let it be the 70s again!

wahwahwah · 08/07/2011 15:17

oh yes - bugger party bags, theme parties, hiring bouncy castles and one-upmanship presents.

Maryz · 08/07/2011 15:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fifis25StottieCakes · 08/07/2011 15:37

We just have a disco in the school for the yr6 leavers party. I have never heard of the parents doing them. God i hope they dont start doing that at our school. I hate doing partys now after doing a couple for each dd. The kids prefer the house party ones with a handfull of friends. I can remember one mam hiring a hall, food, magician, disco and 8 kids and parents turned up. It was very awkward.

RockStockAndTwoOpenBottles · 08/07/2011 15:45

Nesta at the tail end of my monster childrens' parties there was beginning to be a degree of 'who's got the best party bag' and most expensive entertainer (South West London - self styled yummies etc) and I was most certainly in the minority doing something on the common, or at home. I didn't EVER do party bags (some of them clearly had knocking on 20 quid's worth of shit stuff in them), simply a lucky dip - a job lot of nice bits wrapped with a sweet attached, and certainly I noticed a few doing that after me as well. Cake - they ate it as part of the picnic/birthday lunch/tea etc. I HATED with a passion finding trodden in bits of cake, jam and icing all over the house or car and figured that most others would too. I imagine I will have to eat my words in a few years time when DD3 is at primary school, and give in to parties for her but they will be simple affairs as I am not going down the madness and mayhem route again unless I can mainline vodka at the same time

With regard to leavers' parties - the school had a Year 6 BBQ towards the end of term for parents, children and their teachers.

Hullygully · 08/07/2011 15:50

Parties are a NIGHTMARE

ExitPursuedByAGryffin · 08/07/2011 15:56

I really wish our school would do something, but they flatly refuse - in fact, they had nothing to do with the one I organised other than collecting in the money for me. I would have preferred a teacher to be there to exercise some authority, particularly over the boys, but they were all busy.....

Hullygully · 08/07/2011 16:00

When my dc were at their first primary I would often be in there nosing about listening to readers, and watching the expectancy, hope and then crushing disappointment on the little faces when the sodding bastard invites were handed out was heartbreaking. My ds hardly ever got one and I wanted to rip their hearts out and throw them to the pigeons. Yes I know that is VERY WRONG.

Diggs · 08/07/2011 16:15

I cant beleive some people would , or have , aproached the bithday parents to ask why their child wasnt invited , how incredibly rude . Ive done kids partys for years , inviting 30 odd children to your house is just not realistic or particularly pleasant , and i stopped doing it . Ive had parents turn up blatently with children who were not invited plus their siblings. Ive also been questioned aggresiveley about why so and so wasnt invited which i didnt apreciate .

Why are we encouraging our kids to expect invites to every party and being enraged when theyre not ? Its ok to not invite everyone , and just like adults dont get on with everyone neither do kids , why would they invite someone they dont get on with or dont particularly like ? Its not particularly pleasant when your not invited but its just the way it is , presumably its happening at their house or venue , and theyre paying for it , it really is up to them who attends .

thederkinsdame · 08/07/2011 16:19

Sadly my DS experienced this at nursery. he has sn and all the parents were really "understanding and cool with it" until it came to birthday parties. In a small group he and the other child who had sn were always excluded. DS was popular with the kids but the parents didn't want him there. He went to 1 party in the 2 years he was there and he was better behavedthan a lot of the other kids and the parents too who showed themselves to be two-faced shallow gits by their actions.

Original poster
sadaboutthismum · 08/07/2011 16:22

Diggs, have you ever excluded just a few children though? Do you think that's okay?

OP posts:
JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 08/07/2011 16:47

Cripes. For one of (nt-ish) ds's parties the first person he named for the guest list was a little girl with sn "because she really likes insert name of activity we'd booked " Her sn just didn't come into it.

He's lovely, my ds, but I'd have thought most children would think along similar lines. I guess it's their twatty parents who exclude - which is such a horrible thing to contemplate.

Curiousmama · 08/07/2011 16:56

Diggs this is a leaving party for yr 6 not a birthday party for a select few. Totally different. Sounds like sada may have a friend for you at her dd's school......

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 08/07/2011 17:03

sadaboutthismum did any more information emerge at pick up this afternoon?

begonyabampot · 08/07/2011 17:10

It's such a minefield and a bloody guilt trip. In the past when classes were smaller i used to invite the whole class (about 20) Now the kids are older and the classes are bigger it's hard. Last year I invited about 6 boys from class which left about 7 out which i already felt bad about. This year I couldn't face leaving any out so did an all boys party - no girls - then felt guilty as one little girl had invited the whole class but we didn't invite her as it was all boys. Fuck it, reading all this the schools should hand out some guidelines about handing out invites etc. Bloody parties, from now on it's going to be just a few for a special treat - and then I'll still worry that one who thought he was a special friend has been left out - gahh!!!