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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset at this children's party?

452 replies

sadaboutthismum · 07/07/2011 19:19

I'm not sure if I am or not .
DD came home tonight and told me, very matter of factly, that a child in her class is having a year 6 leavers party and disco at his house. He was giving out invitations this week in front of the children who have not been invited. Two teachers are going aswell..

There are 37 children in the year group. 32 have been invited. My DD is one of the children that hasn't.

Obviously I won't do anything but I feel sad that an adult has organised a big, special party and excluded 5 children from it.

DD has never fallen out with this child, BTW. I don't know, I have quite a good sense of fair play and to me that means all children in a big party situation are invited. Obviously very different for a small party .

OP posts:
Original poster
sadaboutthismum · 08/07/2011 12:45

Nearlyspring, that is a quite different situation though as you had invited the children previously and they had spoilt it.

My DD is extremely well behaved and it isn't a birthday party .

OP posts:
androbbob · 08/07/2011 12:50

Will be interested to hear the response back from OP.

Our school does a leavers party at local community centre - organised by PTA and all year 6 and year 5 are invited (year 5 to make the room feel fuller!) and certainly no one would be excluded!

AurraSing · 08/07/2011 13:02

I know it's missing the point, but I can't believe the arrogance of one parent organising a leavers party. If the school isn't providing one, then wouldn't it be more rational for all of the parents to be involved? To make your own child the centre of a leaving party smacks of having quite a large ego.

I can't believe someone organising a party (and therefore wanting to be popular) would exclude a handful of children and risk coming across as a bit of a cow. I suspect the child in question was on a little ego trip and with-held some invitations.

I hope you get it sorted.

ZZZenAgain · 08/07/2011 13:03

why do the invitations say "only cool people welcome"?

It is a bit unusual

ExitPursuedByAGryffin · 08/07/2011 13:16

Aurra - I organised the Y6 Leavers' Disco for my DDs school, as school don't do anything. I would hate to think people thought I did it so that my DD could be the centre of attention Confused Disclaimer:- it was not at my house, I charged for tickets and I invited everyone. Strangely, the asians, the deeply uncool and the one with SN did not come. I made a list beforehand of the ones who would not respond, and I was correct on all apart from one.

BuxomWenchOnAPony · 08/07/2011 13:16

I think you'd be doing the teachers a favour by bringing this to their attention. They probably assume (like any right minded person would) that all of Year 6 are invited to a 'Leavers party' and would be mortified to be complicit in the exclusion of a small number of children.

I'd try to assume the best, that it is a communication error/oversight/child 'losing' invitations until you know otherwise for definite.

I would be hopping mad too though tbh.

And yes, why is one child having a school leavers party? WTF is that about?!

Summerbird73 · 08/07/2011 13:19

OP i truly believe YANBU however given the exclusivity and the 'only cool people welcome' element I really wouldnt want DS to go to this party anyway. If your DD is fine with it then I would probably leave it. i would be concerned that if they do go to the party they will be singled out as the ones who got in 'on appeal'

i do feel for you though, DS is only 2 and i am dreading this

nearlyspring i agree with you - i would not have those children in my house, and if the parents asked why i would be honest

Summerbird73 · 08/07/2011 13:20

exit ''Disclaimer:- it was not at my house, I charged for tickets and I invited everyone. Strangely, the asians, the deeply uncool and the one with SN did not come. I made a list beforehand of the ones who would not respond, and I was correct on all apart from one.''

i am not sure that is a disclaimer, you charged for tickets and are singling out 'the asians the deeply uncool and the 'one with SN' crikey Hmm

squeaver · 08/07/2011 13:24

"the asians" Hmm

Summerbird73 · 08/07/2011 13:26

exactly squeaver and what about ''the one with SN''.......? Hmm

ZZZenAgain · 08/07/2011 13:28

let her come back and explain what she meant with the disclaimer bit. I didn't really understand what that was about. The rest was responding to a post about why would 1 parent host a leaver's party for the class etc

ExitPursuedByAGryffin · 08/07/2011 13:29

Erm Summer - I did not single them out. I invited the whole of Year 6, I charged for tickets (or do you think I should have paid for it myself?) but when I estimated the likely numbers I made a mental list of the ones who would not come. I knew by putting the Asians it would upset some people, but I was not sure how to refer to the girls who are at my DDs school who are from Indian and Pakistan (Asia I believe) and who do not mix with the other girls socially, never respond to party invitations and never seem to have parties themselves. Actually, I will rephrase that - it is the Muslims who did not come. The Hindu girls did attend.

Original poster
sadaboutthismum · 08/07/2011 13:40

I suppose the , " only cool people welcome " bit was at the boy's request as they invitation were home printed.

DD definitely not cool Grin

OP posts:
turCENSOREDss · 08/07/2011 13:43

Jesus Exit, that is quite an offensive post.

JoySzasz · 08/07/2011 13:44

Where do you live Exit?

Summerbird73 · 08/07/2011 13:45

ok i take it back about the charging for tickets

i said that you 'singled' people out because you labelled them in a rather sweeping 'DailyMailEsqe' manner. I personally found it offensive

ExitPursuedByAGryffin · 08/07/2011 13:54

Why Joy - are you going to come round and beat me up?

Sorry , did not mean to be offensive, and remember, words on a screen do not always convey the meaning intended. I live in a very multicultural place and my DD is at a private school that has a lot of Asian pupils. Like it or not, there is a definite split between those who join in with stuff, and those who don't. And I am not criticising anyone for not joining in. I have had to learn to accept that for the past 7 years I have invited girls to my DDs parties and not received any replies from some pupils. Always the same ones. No doubt someone will come along and say it is because I am offensive and they don't want anything to do with me Smile

I seriously do not want to upset anyone.

TheLadyEvenstar · 08/07/2011 14:12

Bit like DS not being invited for being the white child!!! how awful to think like that. Sad

Original poster
sadaboutthismum · 08/07/2011 14:14

Do you think all Mean Girls become Mean Mums? Shock

OP posts:
turCENSOREDss · 08/07/2011 14:24

I do not think that the parent of any child would like to see another parent refer to them as 'the one with special needs.' I am sure that is how the Nazis would view them too...

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 08/07/2011 14:27

Hang on a mo - Exit was just explaining (perhaps clumsily) that she'd invited the whole class. I don't think she deserves the flak tbh.

ragged · 08/07/2011 14:29

Shouldn't have commented in this thread, Exit, about the people who didn't come and why you thought it was predictable that they wouldn't come. Those comments, posted out of context, came across as very prejudiced and weren't necessary.

I personally don't see a problem with a Leaver's (or Birthday) party for just one child, as long as it isn't a case of 80% of yr invited and 20% pointedly left out; that's the ouch factor.

You asked further back what makes somebody popular -- well bugger if I know, since I didn't have it and nor do DC, really, but I'm convinced it's something most parents can't control. Mate has one VERY popular child and another one who struggles for any friends (isn't necessarily uncool, just socially invisible). Mate hasn't a clue why the difference, either... although from my perspective, the unpopular one is a bit miserable (not much of a joiner, always sees the negative side first) & lacks confidence, the popular one shrugs off events he doesn't like & always has a smile. I don't think they were raised any different, the miserable one is much easier to parent, too.

When DC1 was 5yo we once walked in on a large class party in a Soft Play joint; was fairly awkward, but thankfully DC1 didn't mind.

DoMeDon · 08/07/2011 14:31

Exit had a party and invited all, she then listed the ones who did not attend - in a simialr fashion to the OP- who listed who was not invited by describing them. It may not have been worded to suit all but it is descriptive not derogatory.

Am Shock at the 'only cool people' - I know DC are like this but surely the parents can't approve. Some people are twats Angry

ExitPursuedByAGryffin · 08/07/2011 14:34

Thanks Jenai - The OP herself said this earlier:-

Dd listed the kids she knew weren't going and all were geeky ( DD), plump, had SN, were a bit different and one was a little girl who is disabled

so I suppose I was following up on that by categorising the no shows at the party I organised. I would have been bloody delighted if everyone had come.

NestaFiesta · 08/07/2011 14:38

This has made me nervous. DS1 is having a birthday party soon and I have only invited half the class. He doesn't play a lot with the ones we haven't invited and has not been invited to their parties if they had one. We haven't got enough money to pay for all the class but couldn't just have 5 or 6 either. I don't want to upset anyone but it was this or no party at all.

As for you OP- it does sound odd that such a small number has been excluded. I would think that once you exclude more than you include then you may as well invite them all.

God its a bloody minefield. They should give you an etiquette book when you leave the maternity ward.

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