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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset at this children's party?

452 replies

sadaboutthismum · 07/07/2011 19:19

I'm not sure if I am or not .
DD came home tonight and told me, very matter of factly, that a child in her class is having a year 6 leavers party and disco at his house. He was giving out invitations this week in front of the children who have not been invited. Two teachers are going aswell..

There are 37 children in the year group. 32 have been invited. My DD is one of the children that hasn't.

Obviously I won't do anything but I feel sad that an adult has organised a big, special party and excluded 5 children from it.

DD has never fallen out with this child, BTW. I don't know, I have quite a good sense of fair play and to me that means all children in a big party situation are invited. Obviously very different for a small party .

OP posts:
MilaMae · 08/07/2011 17:25

Gosh how awful.The teachers shouldn't be going,as a teacher I just couldn't if I knew just a handful had been excluded.

Can't get Mini's post out of my mindSad.

Since my kids have started school I've been shocked at all the politics,school gate behaviour particularly as when i was a teacher I was completely oblivious to it all.

Now I'm a mum myself I can really understand those that say it's like going back to school.The only place I've ever witnessed stuff like it was when I was at school myself.

I do think mean girls must turn into mean mums.Sorry but how hard is it to get a class list from the teacher.

Diggs I'd never interfere re party invites(and have said as much on other threads) partly because my 3 don't get upset about stuff like that(nor do I) and partly because it's life,however this is different.

1)This is a leaving party(all the kids are leaving and are special).

2)Just a few(the non coo/SENl kids) have been left out.

3)The teachers are going.

It's shit to be frank and op I'd be speaking to the head if said teachers do go and it isn't resolved.The teachers are teachers to all the kids not just the cool kids.If they go it could really effect the self confidence of those not invited long term.

TheCrunchyside · 08/07/2011 17:45

Don't agree with the prepare kids for real world argument.
In my world people try to spare the feelings of others and avoid public humiliation.

If someone at my work (not pc place particularly) decided to hold a party to celebrate the end of a project and only invited 18 out of 20 staff plus 2 managers they would get pretty short shrift.

Even if they did the same for say a 30th birthday party - invited all but 2 team mates _ they would not get away with publicly handing out only cool people invited cards.

So OP is nbu

thefirstmrsrochester · 08/07/2011 17:45

The event being celebrated is end of primary school - all 37 of the kids concerned are leavers therefor all should attend if they wish. Can't believe the arrogance of the parent to hijack the end of term in such a way and to exclude a handful of kids.
OP, if my dc was one of the invitees to this bash, I would not allow her to attend and I would do my damn best to make the parents of the invited kids know the reasons.
There is no excuse for such unkindness.
What a horrible example they are setting for their child.

depob · 08/07/2011 17:50

YANBU. And you are not alone. My friend's DD was only one out of 18 in her class who was not invited to the party of the year. She had to put up with endless chat about it in the days leading up to the big event and then days of chat afterwards as well. I thought the party Mum was a complete cow. Honestly how can anyone be so heartless. If it was my child's event and it was a big one it would be a choice of everyone or no party, end of.

depob · 08/07/2011 17:54

Especially with it being a leavers do.

hellyeah · 08/07/2011 18:01

when ds was in yr 6 a lad had a leaving party, was whole class thing.
ds was a bit put out that he wasn't invited, not upset but put out, I was a bit hmm as always got on ok with the mum and auntie.
a few weeks later I found( as you do with an 11 yr old ds) his school bag emptied it and there was the invite.

pigletmania · 08/07/2011 18:16

Diggs this was a year 6 leavers party where teachers were invited so everyone is leaving so should have been invited. Tbh I hope that the teachers are not going, would be very unprofessional especially when not everyone is invited. Did you manage to have a word with the teacher OP. Really I am Shock Sad of some of the insensitive comments on here, obviously their children were not part of the one or two children not invited to a party, like my SN dd was not.

HeadfirstForHalos · 08/07/2011 18:20

Please let us know the outcome!

I'm devestated for the little girl who went for pizza and the entire class were there , wtf is wrong with some people?

pigletmania · 08/07/2011 18:24

mini that is Shock the mum should be ashamed of herself, what childlike behaviour, no hope for the kids. Does she think she owns the pizza restaurant. I would be very ashamed if I were her.

MilaMae · 08/07/2011 18:26

I know Head-bloody hell!!!!!

What planet was that mother on and what kind of role model is she???I'd hate my daughter knowing I could be such an utter cow.

Fifis25StottieCakes · 08/07/2011 18:31

Jeeese friend in another towns got on FB they are having a YR6 prom.

Original poster
sadaboutthismum · 08/07/2011 18:37

Eeek, hellyeah! Grin

No further news. Will report back when I have some.

OP posts:
ramade · 08/07/2011 18:41

I agree with ragged (first make sure there hasn't been a mistake) then hold a counter party for those who weren't invited. Brilliant idea! Show your DD that life goes on and that's how to do it!!!

pigletmania · 08/07/2011 18:42

dd was invited to 6 birthday parties this year at pre school (not class ones) I was Shock I am picking myself up off the floor. DD has possible ASD, social communication difficulties and speech and lang delay. I am not holding much hope for Foundation this year, but as long as its not flaunted openly and done insensitively. She does not even notice, its me mainly lol

ramade · 08/07/2011 18:45

There are all kinds of situations where our kids get real knocks by people who can only be discribed as thoughtless arses. Sitting back and feeling wounded is one option or........we can show them how to turn a negative situation into a positive!

pigletmania · 08/07/2011 18:47

Mini situation really takes the biscuit. What did you say to her Mini

Diggs · 08/07/2011 18:54

Diggs this is a leaving party for yr 6 not a birthday party for a select few. Totally different. Sounds like sada may have a friend for you at her dd's school......

Based on what exactly ?
The fact that trying to squeeze 30 plus children , and their siblings and their parents into a small house , wasnt very realistic or pleasant so i stopped doing it ? How awful of me . Of course that makes me a bully and a bad person Hmm. Good job uour not the judgemental sort.

ShellyBoobs · 08/07/2011 19:00

That bloody pizza restaurant cow mum would probably have been wearing a frigging calzone for a hat if it had been me confronted with that scene. Angry

How despicably some people behave.

It's gone to a whole new level when one child is singled out, along with her parents, outside school. And for them then to be hounded out of the restaurant for good measure too? Shock

I really do think that once parents are also involved in bullying - that's definitely what it is - there is a very dangerous situation in the making. A child may be having a tough time at school but at least finding respite in social activities outside of the school. For the poor child to then find that the bullying extends to situations outside school AND to her family, really is beyond the pale.

The mind boggles as to what goes on in some people's heads.

Maryz · 08/07/2011 19:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pigletmania · 08/07/2011 19:06

We had a joint MacDonalds party with my friends son who goes to the same pre school but he is mornings, dd is afternoons. He invited 6 of his morning friends, and dd invited 8 of her afternoon friends (there is a limit to how many you invite in MaccDs)

pigletmania · 08/07/2011 19:07

Oh Mini I would have certainly say something to her, and would have eaten there and not moved. I would not have shouted and be rude, but put her down using my wit and intelligence Grin

bentneckwine1 · 08/07/2011 19:11

When my son turned 5 I held a party at soft play...most of the invitations went to family and children of my friends. There were only two chidren from his class invited...but this was because these two children had come through nursery with DS. (At the time of his birthday he had only been in the school for 6 weeks and didn't really know enough children to decide who to invite to a party)

On the day of the party I was approached by a dad asking if this was DS party and carrying a gift with correct name on it. I didn't recognise the dad from pick-ups but assumed I must never have come across him in nursery. Until the child he was with appeared and I had no idea who he was either!

I didn't say a word to the dad and just accepted the boy into the party...DS told me who the little boy was and said he had invited him! For the next twenty minutes I was panicking that the entire class was going to turn up unexpectedly...had visions of DS telling them all at playtime where his party was!

Thankfully the boy was a one-off and no harm was done...so never ever mentioned it to his parents even as we got to know the family as kids grew up.

I have to say that if DS cam home from school and told me he was invited to a party I wouldn't take him without an actual invitation...would probably make a point of speaking to the parents....which would leave me open to discovering he wasn't actually invited after all!!

So I can see how confusion can occur with these things...but agree with others here that a Y6 leavers event is different all together.

Diggs · 08/07/2011 19:15

I think the Op is entitled to be upset about her daughter not being invited , but i dont think it right to aproach the parents and ask them why . Whether its right or not , its their party, presumably either at their house or a paid venue , its really up to them who attends . I would be inclined , as others have suggested , to do something fun with the other kids who havent been invited .

As for whether i regularly leave out several children , no, i dont . I have already said that i have done many class partys , with 30 plus kids , and parents , and their younger siblings , and because its difficult and not much fun i dont do it anymore . It doesnt matter whether you invite a handfull , or half the class , someone is always going to feel excluded and upset .

Nanny0gg · 08/07/2011 19:18

What I want to know in Mini's situation, is what did the other parents do?
Cos I'd have been mortified to be caught up in that situation.

CrapolaDeVille · 08/07/2011 19:18

Children's parties are oppertunities for parents to teach lessons, those lessons can include being left out and dealing with those feelings......however that relies upon everyone else being nice and fair. So if there's a small party and child can only have a few friends, or if it's all one gender (which drives me mad) but it works for party child too. Some parents are so consumed by making their child happy they couldn't give a shit about anyone else. Leaving a few children out is crap, inviting some party children, but not all, to a sleep over is crap. Teaches the birthday child that they are the ONLY important child in the world.

In this instance it's just plain mean, especially to invite teachers (to impress them) but not all pupils.....