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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset at this children's party?

452 replies

sadaboutthismum · 07/07/2011 19:19

I'm not sure if I am or not .
DD came home tonight and told me, very matter of factly, that a child in her class is having a year 6 leavers party and disco at his house. He was giving out invitations this week in front of the children who have not been invited. Two teachers are going aswell..

There are 37 children in the year group. 32 have been invited. My DD is one of the children that hasn't.

Obviously I won't do anything but I feel sad that an adult has organised a big, special party and excluded 5 children from it.

DD has never fallen out with this child, BTW. I don't know, I have quite a good sense of fair play and to me that means all children in a big party situation are invited. Obviously very different for a small party .

OP posts:
TandB · 08/07/2011 11:26

x-posted. Yes, that was good too!

ZZZenAgain · 08/07/2011 11:26

and what a pity you hadn't been able to use that wonderful coincidence to really get acquainted eh?

What a nerve, what a cheek, what a cow! Wow that stuns me. Even if I had deliberately excluded one dc that, when she turned up, I couldn't have possibly run over and said she is not welcome. Can anyone seriously imagining doing that for whatever reason?

ExitPursuedByAGryffin · 08/07/2011 11:27

Mini that is truly awful. We once went in a restuarant after a cinema visit and there was a small party going on. But your experience takes the biscuit.

I know this has been done to death on here, but what is it that makes a child popular or unpopular? Not really looking for an answer, but I just cannot get my head round it sometimes.

I actually had a mother telling me yesterday evening about how unhappy she is with the way the classes have been set up for when our DDs start Y7 in September, as her DD has no affinity with any of the girls she has been put with (which includes my DD), and yet I know that over the summer she will be phoning me to arrange for our DDs to play together as they live quite near to us. Do I tell her to fuck off, or do I just suck it up for my DD to have the chance to play with one of the uber girls.

Sorry for thread hijack.

ZZZenAgain · 08/07/2011 11:28

I don't know, it is a nightmare. Gives me the answer to that thread though - why are so many women depressed or something like that

ZZZenAgain · 08/07/2011 11:31

I think if your dd might enjoy it, meet up with the other girl. After all your dd does not know what the mother has said about her dd having no affinity to your dc or anyone else in the class IYSWIM.

TandB · 08/07/2011 11:34

So did all the school bullies and uber-kids that we remember so fondly from our own school days grow up to be the mothers who think it is acceptable to ostracise one child in a class.

Some of these stories are just unbelievable. Yes, it is only a party. Yes, there are more important things in life. But what makes these women decide to treat children like this?

aliceliddell · 08/07/2011 11:35

This has nearly made me cry. Bastard fucking parents to even consider allowing their dc to do anything so utterly spiteful. Excluding is a recognised form of bullying. These people are barely civilised.

TandB · 08/07/2011 11:39

I have a cunning plan. Bearing in mind popularity seems to depend mainly upon other people thinking you are popular and therefore wanting to be your friend, when DS starts school I intend to make myself into Uber-Mummy by simply spreading cunning rumours that I am the only person worth talking to. I shall also cultivate a hint of mystery by smiling vaguely and occasionally refusing to talk to people.

When I am well-established and surrounded by lackeys I shall throw a massive party and not invite anyone whose mum does stuff like this. And I shall hand the invitations out to the chosen mums in front of the non-chosen mums. And write on the envelopes "For NICE people".

I think it will work!

Fifis25StottieCakes · 08/07/2011 11:41

I dont know exit. I have a 9 and 7 year old. 9 year old is super popular, everyone wants to be her friend blah blah

7 year old is mostly friendless at school. She does have a group of friends at home who go to a different primary.

This will sound awful but the 7 year old is a much more likeable child, sweet natured and caring. The 9 year old is quite arrogant and at times quite bitchy.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 08/07/2011 11:44

Two girls left ds's school a little while back as they were being bullied/excluded. The cause? The mother of one of the other girls in the class, who had been poisoning her own children's minds about these girls. These girls' mothers were after her husband apparently Confused

In turn though some other parents declined invitations to cow woman's children's parties. So it kind of escalated and her dcs are being ostracised (slightly understandable that people want to give their mother a wide berth I suppose, but I feel sorry for her children).

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 08/07/2011 11:47

Sorry the relevance of my post was a bit lost. I seemed relevant when I wrote it though Blush

ExitPursuedByAGryffin · 08/07/2011 11:50

Yes - the popular ones are usually the most unlikeable from a parent's perspective, I always find. Or maybe I have a distorted view of the world Grin

CheerfulYank · 08/07/2011 11:56

Some kids are very good looking or dress really well.
Some are so mean that other kids are scared not to kowtow to them.
And some kids are just, well... cool . There's no telling why. There's a little boy in the class I work in (he's 8 now) who just wears whatever (mismatched sweatpants, etc) and isn't particularly the best at any one thing, but all the kids love him and want to be his friend. In kindergarten the teacher had to have a No Touching Duncan rule because the others were always slinging their arms around him, etc, much to his discomfort. :)

ContraryMartha · 08/07/2011 11:57

Sigh. Well, can I be the lone dissenter?

When DD was 6, she was the only girl in the class not invited to another girl's birthday.
It was very upsetting for her, and for me. All her friends were going.
Everyone except her.
After much gentle questioning it emerged that my DD had called the birthday girl fat.
Yes. My beloved, sweet, butter-wouldn't-melt-in-her-mouth DD had been mean.
I don't blame the party mum one little bit for not inviting DD. She learnt a valuable lesson that day, and since then she has gradually grown into a thoughtful girl.
But kids are kids and they do stupid, sometimes hurtful stuff.
The party mum and I are now friends, and DD has been to subsequent birthdays at their home. But she learnt a hard, but valuable lesson that day.

Parents don't exclude certain kids without good reason.

Disclaimer: HOWEVER, if the party mum is excluding for SN, then some SERIOUS bad karma is deservingly headed her way.

But chances are, if your child has been excluded, there will be a reason.

TheLadyEvenstar · 08/07/2011 12:01

DS1 now 12 has only ever been invited to one party since he started school. Every year I had a party for him and invited the entire class, the same 4/5 children would turn up with their parents eat the food give DS1 a card with £1 in it and be gone.

I stopped having parties for him when he was 7 for this reason now we just celebrate as a family.

I have a great hate for horrible parents who excluded him tbh, especially as they invited the rest of the class eachtime Sad

ThisIsJustASagaNow · 08/07/2011 12:04

'a No Touching Duncan rule' Confused The mind boggles.

TheLadyEvenstar · 08/07/2011 12:04

The worst thing to happen was when DS1 was 9 and asked another child why he had not been invited and was told "You're white and I don't have any white kids in my parties" - nice made me wonder if this was the reason he had only ever been invited to just that one party

Fennel · 08/07/2011 12:05

Being the proud mother of the country's scattiest 11yo, I do tend to assume that party invitations often get lost in transit. I suspect dd1 has missed lots of events this way. She loses everything. And doesn't really register what's going on around her.

So my first thought would be it's a mistake and the other invitations might be lost. I know it might be deliberate but I'd always assume it was accidental first. If you don't have a clueless child you may not realise quite how hopeless some children are on this sort of thing.

CheerfulYank · 08/07/2011 12:06

I know, Saga ! It was like the Beatles or something. :o

Lady, really? :( :( :(

TheLadyEvenstar · 08/07/2011 12:10

Cheerful yes really. Very sad tbh. But it was something DS1 got used to. He was the only white child in the class and also the only one never to be invited to any party. I like to think it was a mistake or a childs doing, I hate to think a parent would enforce this kind of behaviour especially when I always invited the entire class.

unpa1dcar3r · 08/07/2011 12:18

Oh that's just horrible OP. I would organise something for all the kids not invited. A cinema trip followed by MacD's or something.
Stuff the snotty nosed cow, how bloody mean can you get.

aliceliddell · 08/07/2011 12:24

Great idea by unpa1d! Hope they have a good time! Having just declined an outing from young carers as dd on hols with gf, check availability of invitees or they might end up missing your thing too.

NearlySpring · 08/07/2011 12:38

Is it not acceptable to not invite just a few children then?

For my dd's 5th birthday we invited the whole class. There are 2 boys in her class who are very badly behaved in general and they came too. They we so naughty it almost ruined the party. Neither could concentrate for more than 2 minutes on the games we were playing, pushing and being horrible to the other children, throwing food, trying to throw chairs, vile swearing and trying to run out the door. Really, I have never seen such behaviour from 5 year olds. Neither of these boy's parents stayed (they had the option to) despite the parents knowing their children were badly behaved!

Since then they have got even worse. The teacher has to personaly meet with their parents after school each day to discuss their behaviour and one has to come in to the class late so he doesn't hurt otHer children in the rush in the cloakroom! Dd and the other girls get upset if they have to sit near them as they swear and sing rude songs and kick the other kids! I have discussed this with the teacher and it is true, she says they are trying to manage their behaviour! Hmm.

So this year we didn't invite either of them to dd's party. I really couldn't cope having to run a whole part of 28 children myself without much help AND having to "try" and supervise these two boys. I have no idea if they are just really naughty of have some medical reason for their behaviour but to be honest it's not my problem. I didn't want them spoiling the party.

Shoot me.

Original poster
sadaboutthismum · 08/07/2011 12:42

Thanks for all the replies!

I'll just respond to a few !

Dd listed the kids she knew weren't going and all were geeky ( DD), plump, had SN, were a bit different and one was a little girl who is disabled Sad
The party child considers himself ubercool, apparently and the invites have, " Only Cool People Welcome" Nice. Hmm

I think had it been a birhday party I would find it a bit off but not when it's billed as The Year Six Leavers Bash and teachers are invited.

I am also uncomfortable with invitations going out during school time.

I shouldn't have called the boy a shit so apologies but I AM cross and he has acted unkindly.

Someone asked would it be okay to exclude one child who was a bully. My response, honestly? No.

As to teh question of whether my DD had done something - no. She is a quiet little mouse who hasn't had a run in with him 9 or anyone) and her teacher is adamant that nothing untoward has occurred. especially given the other excluded children Sad.

So, we shall see. My feeling is very much that the boy may well have been given the invites and not distributed them. I can't beleive his mum has any knowledge of it.
Thank you all again, it does help.

OP posts:
Hufflepuzzpig · 08/07/2011 12:45

I hope you get to the bottom of it!