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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not find out the sex of my baby today?

53 replies

magicmelons · 07/07/2011 08:32

I don't know what to do, dc3 have never found out before and it has never been an issue and we've always loved having a surprise. This time, Dh is very involved and excited, all very lovely as this baby was unplanned.

The thing is he really wants to find out, he isn't being at all pushy but i know he'd like to know. I've told him he can find out and not tell me if he likes but he isn't so keen as he thinks he'll let it slip. My reason for not knowing is mainly that at the end of previous hard labours it has been the most lovely experience to have a unexpected child of each sex, got it wrong myself both times. He has no preference either way ( or at least that's what he says).

Scan this afternoon and i don't know what to do? Should i just be selfish?

OP posts:
marriedinwhite · 07/07/2011 08:37

I agree with you MagicMelons - nothing nicer than finding out once they are here. Could you call the scanning department and explain and say you need a little more time to think about whether to know and could they please say something like "very difficult to tell because of the way the baby's lying". I think they would try to accommodate the mother's wishes.

FetchezLaVache · 07/07/2011 08:37

Of course you should be selfish! You're carrying the baby, you'll be pushing him/her out. You have the casting vote!

worldgonecrazy · 07/07/2011 08:39

I agree you should be selfish. There is nothing like that moment after labour when you find out.

kreecherlivesupstairs · 07/07/2011 08:42

YANBU. I did find out (or work out, they wouldn't tell me) whether I had Arthur or Martha, because I wanted to.
Like others have said, you are doing the hard work so it isn't even an issue. Tell your DH you want a surprise.
If he's anything like mine he would blurt out the sex and that would spoil it for you.
If nobody knows, nobody can tell.

BrainSurgeon · 07/07/2011 08:48

I'm not saying you shouldn't be selfish... you should and it's NOT being selfish anyway :)
... but...
I was in your DH's position, I really wanted to know my baby's sex and DP didn't. Same as you, I told him I could keep the secret if he wants to, but he didn't like the idea.
Fact is, having found out I'll have a boy helped me bond and made my pregnancy more enjoyable - I loved imaginig him, chatting to him like to a real little boy, getting used to the very weird idea (for me) that there's a willy growing somewhere inside me Shock :)

So.... I guess what I'm trying to say is.... maybe you could consider doing things differently this time around, not necessarily for your DH, but for yourself, to see how you would feel towards the little person growing inside you? I could be very wonderful...

Just a thought :)

Original poster
magicmelons · 07/07/2011 08:48

The thing is he isn't putting any pressure on me but for some reason i feel a bit guilty, like i want to include him. I just don't want to feel "flat" about it, which is how i imagine i might feel.

OP posts:
Original poster
magicmelons · 07/07/2011 08:53

Brain i suppose for me, this is the thing, i've always bonded with the baby by not knowing IYSWIM, i've done all that imagining and wondering about what they are going to be and then when they we're born my thoughts have been, we'll of course your a boy or girl.

I'm worried that if i know i won't be so excited and that i can't take it back once i know. I'm never particularly excited when i know what other peoples babies are.

OP posts:
Nagoo · 07/07/2011 08:54

Don't find out. It's much more exciting.

He can join in the speculation Grin

Original poster
magicmelons · 07/07/2011 08:56

Maybe me driving him mental with the speculation is whats making him want to find out Grin

OP posts:
CadleCrap · 07/07/2011 08:56

I find it quite dull when at 20 weeks someone says "Oh its a boy/girl", as when the baby actually comes there is nothing to get excited about.

Don't do it!

BrainSurgeon · 07/07/2011 08:56

Fair enough magic, it's a very personal thing isn't it :)

Do what you feel like, don't worry about DH he'll be fine! Grin

MassagesDeclinedByNetmums · 07/07/2011 09:04

I found out, but then I've never understood how its any less of a surprise at 20 weeks to at birth...?
Its either a boy or a girl. Surely its only a "surprise" if its a kitten or a telephone? Grin

Original poster
magicmelons · 07/07/2011 09:06

oooh,, i'd like a kitten or a guinea pig Grin

OP posts:
Greenshadow · 07/07/2011 09:10

I'm with you OP - there is much more sense of surprise at the end than if you find out at a routine scan.

Then again, my DC date back to when it wasn't so usual to find out in advance.

themildmanneredjanitor · 07/07/2011 09:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PlumSykes · 07/07/2011 09:13

Have found out with one, and not the other, I can assure you that at the end of a hard labour, it's just as lovely having a baby, whether or not you knew what gender they were going to be. I knew DS was a boy in advance, and he was still the most delicious surprise, and I loved exploring his funny little red face/scrunched up fingers while they did the stitches etc in theatre.

I really wanted a girl first time, and didn't find out, as was worried I'd be disappointed. Instead, I spent 9 months worrying that I may have a boy (I didn't). Is it possible your DH feels like this, but isn't letting on?

2littlegreenmonkeys · 07/07/2011 09:21

It is not at all selfish and I think your compromise of DH knowing and you not is a good one,so long as he doesn't blurt it out.

We didn't find out with DD1 and I was convinced we were having a boy Grin it was the most fabulous surprise ever to find out after labour. With DD2 we did find out as DH wanted to know. I was a bit worried I would be a bit deflated IYKWIM, but I wasn't, again it was the most fabulous feeling finding out the sex.
Truthfully not as exciting as when PG with DD1 but exciting in a different kind of way.

You need to do what feels best for you. Maybe you could have the sonographer (sp?) write down the sex of your child and put it in a sealed envelope so if your DH feels he really needs to know he could have a peek and you don't have to.

TrillianAstra · 07/07/2011 09:22

I find it quite dull when at 20 weeks someone says "Oh its a boy/girl", as when the baby actually comes there is nothing to get excited about.

Do you not get excited that there is a baby? :o

I disagree, I always think you should spread out happy things so there are more happy events. Finding out the sex of your baby is a happy thing. Having the baby arrive is a happy thing. Do you want two happy days or one?

Scholes34 · 07/07/2011 09:23

Didn't find out with any, but in my birth plan for DC3 I stated I didn't want to be told the sex when the baby arrived, but that I'd look and find out for myself.

L8rAllig8r · 07/07/2011 09:24

I found out, and was so glad I did. I'd totally convinced myself I was having a little girl and when the monographer said boy I was actually quite disappointed, for 2 or 3 days, before I got used to the idea. Now of course he's the best thing ever and I can't imagine things any other way, but I was really glad I got over that 'disappointment', if that's even the right word, before the birth and not when he was in my arms.

But as you say you have no preference, YANBU. As someone else said, you're doing all the hard work, the casting vote is yours.

L8rAllig8r · 07/07/2011 09:26

Monographer?! Sonographer! Damn you autocorrect.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 07/07/2011 09:32

Totally up to you. I don't understand why you wouldn't want to find out but it's ultimately your decision. I don't buy the idea that it's less of a surprise if you find out before, the surprise is just at a different time and for me, it breaks up the drudgery of being pregnant. Having the baby at the end is surprise enough for me!

Your choice though.

Lovethesea · 07/07/2011 09:42

I had a surprise the first time but the birth was awful so there was no happy moment of revelation.

Second time I deliberatly found out at the scan so I could enjoy the news for months before another birth experience.

It was lovely to imagine and halved the arguments on names for number two!

Get the sonographer to write the gender down, seal it in an envelope and then you can go home and spend more time deciding.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 07/07/2011 09:45

That's another point actually. DD was whisked away for 20 minutes after she was born (still don't know why) and they never told us if she was a boy or a girl. They didn't know we knew. No happy moment of revelation for us either.

PedigreeChump · 07/07/2011 09:45

It is totally up to you, although maybe since you have had 3 surprises, and your DH seems so keen this time, you could find out this time?

I heard a story about someone who got the sonographer to write it down and the couple took it away with them and opened the slip of paper somewhere nice and quiet alone, rather than in the scanning room. If I were to find out the sex I would like it done that way, might make it a bit more private.