To not find out the sex of my baby today?

[magicmelons]

I don't know what to do, dc3 have never found out before and it has never been an issue and we've always loved having a surprise. This time, Dh is very involved and excited, all very lovely as this baby was unplanned.

The thing is he really wants to find out, he isn't being at all pushy but i know he'd like to know. I've told him he can find out and not tell me if he likes but he isn't so keen as he thinks he'll let it slip. My reason for not knowing is mainly that at the end of previous hard labours it has been the most lovely experience to have a unexpected child of each sex, got it wrong myself both times. He has no preference either way ( or at least that's what he says).

Scan this afternoon and i don't know what to do? Should i just be selfish?

[FoofusScrimgeour]

OP Yanbu

However, I don't understand how anyone can say that knowing before hand "takes the shine" off the arrival or that it's "nothing to get excited about".

Jesus wept it's your baby.
Whether you found out at 20 weeks or 9 months it's the same information.
It's daft to say it's a bigger surprise when you wait. What about the surprise of how he/she looks, what colour hair they have, how big they are, the fact that they are finally here. Oh right yeah, booooring.

[AuntiePickleBottom]

i had to find out, i couldn't wait to find out if it was a boy or a girl.

but OP yanbu

[JiltedJohnsJulie]

So pleased the scan went well for you.

[TillyIpswitch]

We've done it both ways - didn't find out with DC1 (a boy) and did with DC2 (a girl).

If we ever have a third we definitely won't find out - finding out on their actual birthday just was so much more special.

Agree with everything babybythesea says.

[Cocoflower]

Well you would be horrified by our babies nursery then babybythesea!

Personally I love it.

[Gilberte]

I wanted a surprise, my DH wanted to know. We asked the sonographer if she could write it down but she refused as she didn't want to be bound by the decision if she was wrong. I tried to look away at the crucial point and sonographer confirmed the sex with DH after I'd left the room. DH would have kept it secret but I just sensed what the sex was(perhaps from the general body language etc) and told DH who confirmed my guess.

We kept it a secret from everyone else though and they still don't know we knew. Nearly slipped out a couple of times though as once you know it's so easy to refer to baby as he/she without thinking.

[babybythesea]

GML - for you, you can't. But for people who won't be seeing the baby for a couple of weeks or so, who aren't getting the buzz by seeing and holding a tiny infant yet, I can see how it might. Nothing has changed for them, really. They know everything they did before but still aren't seeing the baby yet. I'm not saying they weren't delighted and desperate to see her when they got the chance, but that until that chance came, there wasn't really much to say about her.

[babybythesea]

TBH, I also don't get the idea of needing to know what to paint the room, or what clothes to buy. I don't like the idea of shoving my DD in a pink room just because she comes without a willy. We've done a yellow and green room with a jungle theme. If she wants to change it when she's older, that's fine - I'm sure she will. But I wanted to choose something gender neutral to start off with. Same with clothes - as she gets older she is slowly gravitating towards pink but it's her call and we have a big mix (including a lot of boy's hand-me-downs). I just don't like the idea of stereotyping right from the off.

Coco - I agree, there are loads of unknowns. But most of those come quite a way down the line. For me, the 'do you or do you not find out' question is about how you might feel on the day of birth. I loved the surprise. I didn't feel less bonded with my baby not knowing, because I had talked to my baby all the way through the pregnancy - I didn't need to know what brand it was, just that it was mine and growing inside me. Knowing the brand wouldn't have changed that. The day of the birth was more important to me than the day of the scan, so I preferred to keep the biggest surprise until then and make it really extra-special.

[GwendolineMaryLacey]

How can you take the edge off a newborn? That's absurd, knowing a name in advance doesn't make that little person any less special. That's the daftest thing I've heard in an age.

DH (behind my back) told his family the sex, name, likely date of birth (I was induced) and estimated weight before DD was born. I was livid at the time but when she was born it made absolutely no difference whatsoever.

[babybythesea]

I didn't find out with DD. And if we ever manage to achieve a second, we won't find out again.
My sister has an interesting persepctive on it.
My cousin was due a few weeks after me. She found out, I didn't.
When my baby was born, everyone phoned everyone else with lots of news to impart (what is the baby, what's the name, weight etc). No-one knew anything other than that she would be a baby so everything else was interesting. Even my uncle, who is not particularly a baby person, said 'Oh, hold on, let me get a pen and write all this down' when my sister phoned.

Fast forward three weeks and my cousin produces the expected DD. This baby has had a name since the 20 weeks scan and has been referred to by name since then. My aunt, new granny, lets people know (including my cousin's brother) by text - 'X here. All well.' The thing seemed to be not that people were less interested in the baby but that the initial excited reaction wasn't there because everyone felt as though they already knew her. They had the excitement at 20 weeks, but for everyone apart from my cousin, it was a bit half-hearted because they now knew most of what there is to know about a very new baby (sex and name) but with no prospect of actually having the baby made 'real' for another few months. Then when the baby was born it sort of took the edge off it a bit.

So while you have a baby for you and not for everyone else, I also got a real buzz out of seeing everyone else excited and even if we changed our minds and decided to find out, I wouldn't be sharing this info with anyone.

[LolaRennt]

At the end of this labour do you really think it will be any less special because you know the sex? It will as special as the other 3 because you are meeting for the first time. Just gives DH somethign to hold on to until D day

[magicmelons]

Scan went well, very cute baby,biased i know, but it looked so perfect. The sonographer made it sooooo hard, she clearly noticed a hesitancy in my voice when i said we didn't want to know, so she asked me about 3 times and kept saying, are you sure, last chance, i'm looking at it now.

It was hard not knowing something she did and i nearly knocked on the door after and said, goon tell me! But i held out and am pleased i did and dh said he didn't really mind although i could tell he wanted to know, he'll get over it now and in a way it makes it more exciting.

[JiltedJohnsJulie]

Let us know how the scan goes magic.

[JanMorrow]

He'll understand if you explain it to him. We didn't find out (and aren't in my current non ID twin pregnancy either), I love the surprise on the day, it's all much more exciting!

[Quenelle]

You can't unknow so if you're not sure best not to find out. It's not like DH won't find out eventually is it?

[SpecialFriedRice]

YANBU

You're the one doing all the hard work so it should be up to you IMO.

I didn't find out with my DD. It was a nice surprise at the end as I was sure she was a boy. It was also nice that everything I bought was yellows, greens, white, cream etc instead of the usual pink or blue explosion!!

[Cocoflower]

Aww well no matter what they look like its all so exciting! (Though slightly terrifying too...)

I can see both sides of the coin if someone wants to find out first or not. You will just have to find a way that compromises what you and DH want somehow.

Good luck!

[JiltedJohnsJulie]

No you're not being selfish at all. You are carrying the baby and going through labour why should you find out if you don't want to.

My DH suddenly said he wanted to find out too. I talked him out of it as one of our friends had been told she was having a girll and had a really hard time bonding with her baby when she go an unexpected boy.

[magicmelons]

They don't look so much like her now but when dd was born i was horrified as i couldn't see myself in her at all just MIL. I'm very dark with dark eyes dd, the palest child you have ever seen, black hair and very blue eyes, MIL doesn't have this colouring either but she just had a distinct look of her. DS not so surprised my what he looked like as i already have dd and he looks like her with auburn hair and brown eyes . I'm assuming number 3 will look like a mix of both.

They all sort of look the same as babies anyway, i felt overwhelming adoration for DS( took a bit longer with DD, MIL shock) , i thought he was the most beautiful baby i had ever seen but when i look back at photos i don't know which one was which in the newborn days, I'm assuming how you feel about them is down to the birth experience and hormones.

[Cocoflower]

Is that a good thing then magicmelons?!

My daughter looks nothing like anyone in our family! I would be convinced she was swapped at birth if it wasn't for her feet!

[magicmelons]

All my children look a little like MIL, so no surprise for me there

[Cocoflower]

Ha ha fair enough!

I found out both times (Im 26 weeks now). I couldn't bear not knowing, and it helped me personally bond enourmously (and know to buy lots of pink )

I still think there are so many surprises to come- what colour hair will she have, will it be curly, who will she look like, who's personality will she have, will she like art, will she be shy, what does her laugh sound like....

I cant wait I had such a lovely dream about her last night and was a bit disapointed when I woke up!

[magicmelons]

Coco, DH says if we do this i will persecute him to tell me and then be pissed off with him when he does, he is right, that's exactly what i would do .

I have decided i'm not going to find out. At Christmas DH bought me some Jo Malone stuff that I wanted but used our joint email so I saw what he had bought me, although I was very happy I couldn't help feeling a little disappointed that there was no surprise. This is just my personality I Suppose so I should just go with my instinct and not find out.

The only thing is, DH has his heart set on a name I really don't like and I don't want to give in on that either [stubborn]

[Cocoflower]

Take an a piece of paper with an envelope to the scan.

Ask the sonographer to write down the sex and put it in the envelope.

DH can open it, read it alone and then destroy it after, and you can remain not knowing.

[harassedandherbug]

I've done it both ways as my boys are much older and you just didn't get the chance to find out then! With dd we def wanted to find out, and I loved knowing that she was a little girl..... plus I needed to prepare myself for the pink/sparkly-ness . It definitely didn't ruin it in any way at all, I loved being able to decorate her room, choose little clothes etc. Although I only added pink touches to her room after a late scan at 36 weeks confirmed. You do hear stories...

I think it's a really personal choice, so don't want to sway you, but think it's something that you need to work out together. I don't really buy the whole "you're doing the work it's your choice" arguement, it's his child too and if it didn't involve pregnancy everyone else would be saying that too!