to be forced to marry into the house of Dracul-Palanquin?

[Hullygully]

A hush has fallen over the hall, there is just the sound of Watkins putting a coat of distemper on the herb drying shed walls and the occasional howl from Mr Rochester. I will go to the morning room to quietly tat, before tea. Perhaps today there will be some word from Transylvania that our ladies and gels are returning. There is the harvest ball to organise, and we have to gather the cumquats from the orangery, before they get restless.

Phew! and further lawks!

Mr Umami and I have been on a very comprehensive tour of rustic Transylvanian boarding houses. My husband has been working on his latest publication: "A Gentleman's Pocket Guide to Travelling in Transylvania', so it's been a whirlwind of visiting local brothels attractions and sampling regional virgins blood delicacies.

He has now retired to his spooky castle mountain retreat to write up his notes, so I thought I'd best nip back to The Hall to see how the gels are getting on. Virgins blood Cherry soup and orgies quaint village dances are all very well, but I am sore in need of some stirrup cup and a little of Gibbon's eurhythmy.

Mr Umami is sporting some rather fetching footwear - hand-tatted perhaps? I do hope his "Gentleman's Pocket Guide" is not too pocket-sized.

As Mistress Mini observed, here at IPOAT Hall reigns peace and harmony. We sit under the flowering chestnuts and plan our end of summer activities. That balls are to come has raised our muted spirits enormously as has the mass production over the summer of gin-based tisanes

did someone, perchance mention Gin?

Ladies, ladies, we might be recieving guests! Some lovely young girls are staying with Lord Trollery-Huntingdon-Split...and have expressed an interest in our tatting!

where are the servants? Drunk again?

Fids, I'm MIMI! remember? Mini is t'other one!

Oestrogin is our tipple of choice....

No, not yet and God only knows what Lady Fid has done to the Under-Gardener

'Did someone, perchance, mention gin?'

That is a fabulous code phrase. To be accompanied with a knowing wink and a secret handshake, I think.

Could someone have Watkins have Perkins have Wilikins have Cook prepare a little chicken liver parfait in anticipation of Pinot arriving with her kittens?

I'll sort the liver parfait out with cook, melba toast, I think?

I don't know where watkins hid the gin.

Do you think she will come, or is she just raising our expectations of friendship to dash them upon the rocks of cruel disdain?

Well, we are a quiche, you know, so she may be afraid to expose her pussies to us.

snurk!

Tsk Mistress DrMimiPolidori, naturally I was referring earlier to Mistress MINI, who has been ensuring our distillery herb-drying shed is kept in good repair.

You can trust me to know where the gin is how our grounds are kept in order.

Alas poor Under-Gardener. He tried vailiantly. Ailed. Slumped.

ladies, its lovely to see you all back at the hall refreshed after taking the waters on your holidays.

The captain and I have been very busy finding various uses for the tatted handcuffs bracelets. Also I have to admit that Dr Polidori's ahem special books on the top shelf of the library have been very informative. The captain is surprisingly bendy.

To be honest I am exhausted, perhaps you recommend a tisane Mistress Fiderer?

I was beginning to see shades of Mrs Slocomb being cast over the thread for a moment there. I have ordered WatkinsWilikinsPerkins to open last years sloe gin, for medicinal purposes of course. Tisanes all round, bottoms up m' dears.

I am never leaving the hall of IPOAT again.

Thoroughly depressed by being so roundly flamed and the subjected to days of sanctimonious moralising.

Its kind of hit me today finally.

Though, to be fair, have met some lovely supportive peeps as well.

Dunno.

DrP, have a vat small glass of juniper tisane. I shall set forth with grim determination armed with the IPOAT Sword to slay sanctimonious moralising.

Oh, noones doing nuffink now..tis all over.

Just left feeling rather wretched.

Ahem. A thread with recticule fingering which I take to be some form of tatting, perhaps with thumbs? The Widow was there. And Mistress Honeydragon. And Pinot who really deserves an embossed invitation to visit the Hall.

Feeling Wretched is not good. Pull up a Chaise Longue and sip yer gin a gentle tisane. ScottishMummy is not always right. Being Possessed is also not good. Think of poor Cook last year and the one-legged man she found who claimed second sight. Doubtless his constant imbibing of our fortified winter tisanes contributed to that state.

Afraid I told MissPag to keep her light fingers away from my reticule...never know where she might be...

Perhaps I should ask cook to rustle up a soothing broth augemented by our very own herbs...

Its mad out there at the moment. Honestly, I barely post anywhere. I just hope that it is summer holiday fever and will return to normal with the Autumn. In the meantime, shall I get the undergardener to come in and discuss the new kitchen garden planting with you? I'll make sure he keeps his shirt off.

A new Under-Gardener is most welcome as the last one wilted. That together with his sorry failure at hardening-off were indeed grounds for dismissal.

Tis verily a brave Gel who would venture out of the Hall these days. I took a sword and barely made it back without severe damage to eye, soul and constitution.

At this end of the Hall (the Freedonia Wing) the young Gentlewomen and Gentlemen are already at their desks and summer fever is thankfully over.

Collapses into IPOAT Hall.....it's hell out there, hell! I fear my soul has now been battered beyond repair, and am in great need of respite and sanctury.

Tis the last time I try to do good, I tell ya!