to be so glad that my friend's daughter is going home tomorrow?

[duchesse]

12, nearly 13 yo daughter of (French) school mate (hadn't seen her for about 15 years until last year though) has been here two weeks.

Over the last 2 weeks, she has:

-snacked constantly (her mum tells me she doesn't eat much when I express surprise that such a slender girl needs to eat every 30 mn or she basically keels over), helped herself to biscuits, crisps, bread, etc without asking although I made it clear when she arrived that only fruit was available between meals (same rule for everyone in this house);

-used the home phone to phone her parents about 3-4 times a day without asking permission,

-got her parents to ring up and get me to log her into the internet she could go on Facebook, got her mother to sanction 2-3 hours of FB and internet a day (which I consider crazy especially at her age), sent her here with a Blackberry on which she's been texting her friends constantly,

-basically refused to do the same chores as the other children in this house -ie lay and clear the table after one meal every 5 days

-demanded inappropriate food at random intervals (ie ice cream when none was on offer, fish and chips, repeatedly)

-continually made negative remarks about everything- took her to a concert at DD's school, all the performers were crap apparently (she plays in the conservatoire so obv vastly superior), sneering at children having pizza at 4:30 in a pizzeria

-rung her parents to complain that my DD is not treating her right- apparently replying "thank you" when someone compliments your nail polish is not the right thing to say.

Can you tell she's been driving me fecking nuts over the last two weeks?

1 week and 6 days she appeared to suddenly relax and calm down a lot- if she'd stayed a couple more weeks she'd have been fine. As it is I'm just overjoyed to be shot of her and more specifically her parents and their bizarre demands that their daughter be treated differently from my children and other foreign student (and seriously my little Spanish girl's parents are fine about us and on their third child with us and she's coming back for the autumn term).

My personal feeling is that her mother has become seriously unhinged and that the child is just expressing the pressures on her in her daily life. I actually think her mother is either deluded or lying about the food thing and worry that the child may have a health problem although tbh she could just be growing very fast. Either that or her mother starves her at home and she's eating while she can.

No no no flicktheswitch think of the children! Think of them not being able to smoke gitanes whilst riding helmetless on the back of some fit boy's moped! Think of them not being able to mock the foreign students for putting their rucksacks on with both straps! Think of stopping teenage boys from smuggling flick knives and/ or fireworks back on the ferry! There can never be an end to the French exchange!

Ok, to address some of the questions raised downthread:

Yes, she really did eat every 30 minutes- fruit (as I mentioned earlier, a lot of bananas, making me wonder whether she may be potassium deficient) and sandwiches (which was fine since that's what I'd shown her she could have whenever she wanted and is what my children are allowed too), 3-4 yoghurts a day (probably short of calcium as all my teenagers have also consumed yoghurt like this just before growing) but also chocolate and biscuits and all manner of things from cupboards that she didn't even need to know were there. If she did not eat this often she became pale and shaky with dark rings under her eyes, despite eating good meals with us as well. Her mother however assured me that she was not used to eating between meals. I needed to know whether this was normal or not without either alarming her mother or making it seem that I thought her child was greedy- I was actually genuinely worried about her health at times.

At other times, eg when she asked me if there was ice-cream in the freezer right after we'd eaten and had raspberries and currants straight from the garden for dessert and I (very gently!! and in French) explained to her that it was rude in England to ask for things like that, or when asked when we were having fish and chips again whenever we drove past a F&C shop, or latched onto any mention of fish and chips in any conversation to ask for it, I just thought her behaviour a bit odd to be honest. IME (very extensive) of France and French children this is utterly uncharacteristic behaviour for a French child. I'd almost expect it of an American child though iyswim. I genuinely needed to know whether this was normal for her or not as I really couldn't understand her behaviour at times.

re the sneering: we walked past an Italian restaurant and she rolled her eyes and said: "They're eating pizza, at 4 o'clock in the afternoon!!!". And I explained that in England many children went to bed by 7pm and often ate earlier than their parents, or that sometimes they have birthday parties in pizza places, and she rolled her eyes again. I was VERY kind to her on each of these incidents.

Re the phone- it's a big house and she never asked to use the phone so I never knew whether she had phoned first, whether she'd phoned and her parents had phoned back, or whether they'd phoned her first until her parents asked the day before she left if it was free to phone France from here, because they thought she might have added significantly to our phone bill and I should pass on the cost to them. Frankly if it's less than £20 we won't but we simply can't afford to pay 100s of extra pounds at the moment on phone bills. She always answered the phone as well even though her English wasn't quite enough to really cope if it wasn't for her. I was quite impressed by that actually- ime speaking on the phone is one of the phobias of language learners.

re chores- we also have a little Spanish girl here who is a repeat visitor (we are so unwelcoming to language students that her parents have been sending us their children for the last 6 years, including spending entire terms here), who insists on doing the same chores as my children (which is basically laying and clearing the table 1x every few days). Little French Girl (LFG) would have been the only one not doing this and I thought she would prefer to feel included as she was already feeling that Little Spanish Girl (LSG) was more accepted by my daughters. I asked her to lay the table for the second time in her 2 week stay and she said that she'd already done it last week and it really wasn't her turn and intimated that I was picking on her. To which I replied that yes, with 5 children in the house she would be doing it every 5 days. She then did it. The alternative would have been to not ask her to do chores and have her feel more excluded from things than she already felt.

re the nail polish- I don't understand that either. I think that she maybe wanted some on her own nails but was being very indirect about it and my daughter just thought she was complimenting her on her nails and failed to pick up on the request.

And as I said upthread she is very used to being away from home so not sure homesickness a problem as such- more that she struggled with fitting in. She is one of 2 children with a large gap and she was coming to a house with many- I think there was a bit of a parenting culture clash.

I wouldn't worry about it duchesse-I would happily send a DC to you! I thought the point of living in a foreign country was to fit in.

and skyblue, yes, that is exactly my ethos! I don't consider it unreasonable at all as an expectation and I would be mortified if my children behaved like LFG when they go abroad.

Tbh Duchesse after reading further, you have tried your best, been very very welcoming and accommodating (I would not have had as much patience). she has come here to see England, and to stay with a family to know family life here. And that is what she got. Your house, your rules, it's not a free fir all. At that age I went on school trips abroad and here, and never behaved like that. It sounds like she was made to come by her mum and she did not want to. Don't worry.

That does sound a bit odd (being shaky etc.), perhaps she just eats much bigger meals at home, or has extra meals?

I mean, if she's used to eating breakfast, lunch, tea, dinner, supper, then I suppose three meals a day would be a lot less caloriewise. That would also explain why her mum would say she doesn't snack perhaps?

I went completely the other way on my French exchange. I barely ate. Mind you, the 'fantastic cuisine' I was meant to sample was things like McDonalds and Chinese takeaway. Although I did go to a wonderful restaurant on the last night there, I had a gorgeous fillet steak and poire belle Helene. I think they were quite suprised I did actually eat!

Thanks for clarifying, duchesse.

I still don't think she sounds bad, though, to be honest.

I can't imagine being genuinely worried about a child's health, thinking that she might be malnourished in some way, and simultaneously being annoyed that she is "helping herself" to food or asking for particular things. If you think she's calcium deficient, why is it such a crime for her to have asked you if you had ice cream in the freezer? Maybe she had a craving for it?

In any case, I really can't see how "is there any ice cream in the freezer?" while you're having fruit for dessert, or "are we going to have fish and chips again?" when she sees a fish and chip shop equals "demanding inappropriate food at random intervals." They're just the questions of a child. Maybe she's been raised to believe she has a right to voice her thoughts and ask questions when she wants to know something. Families are different, isn't that what exchanges are meant to help us learn?

I also don't get why you'd feel so offended by the fact that she found it strange that things are different in England than they are in France (e.g. kids eating pizza in the afternoon). She's learning about differences in culture, isn't that why she's there? Should she not notice or comment upon those differences? Maybe she was a bit graceless in the manner in which she commented (though not terribly so, from your description), but she is only 12! Her comments on British culture actually sounded a lot less ignorant than your own random "I'd almost expect it of an American child" comment, whatever that was supposed to mean.

The nail polish and table-setting thing both seem to be about this little girl being (or at least feeling) left out and excluded by your daughters and their Spanish friend, who as you said is a repeat visitor to your home and therefore would be expected to be more comfortable and familiar with the routine. I agree, it sounds like she admired the nail polish and hoped that your daughter would share it with her, which didn't happen. And yes, it sounds like she was being "indirect" about the fact that she would have liked some. Who could blame her? You don't seem to like directness much, do you? If she had asked directly, I imagine you'd be telling us that she "demanded" that your daughter give her the nail polish, just like she "demanded" fish and chips and ice cream when she asked for them directly. :(

Sounds like she's feeling excluded by the other girls, she's in all likelihood picked up on your clear preference for "LSG", and given your description of sunken eyes and keeling over I'd say she mightn't be feeling very well either. So she wants to spend time on facebook, presumably connecting with people who actually like her, and she also makes lots of calls to her parents (which they then want to pay for, so I fail to see the problem with that one, too). She's a homesick kid. If she suddenly relaxed and calmed down a lot with one day to go, I'd say it's a safe bet that it was because she was so relieved to be going home.

I'm sure that, as you say, other foreign students get on great in your household. Maybe it was a personality clash. Maybe it was a mistake to have LSG and LFG at the same time, when your daughters already know LSG and the likelihood that LFG would be excluded was pretty high. For whatever reason, it doesn't sound like a pleasant experience for anyone, but my sympathy lies with the 12 year old child, apparently poorly, far from home, excluded by the other girls, and living with people who will be "overjoyed to be shot of her."

:( :( :( Glad she's back home now.

What kind of pain does calcium deficiency cause and how would a teenager recognise it if it hadn't been recognised as a problem yet (which would mean she was supplied with calcium supplements) to be able to ask for ice cream, which is better known for being dessert material than lack of calcium-quenching....bit far fetched, don't think you can defend asking for extra sweet things.

Plus the OP doesn't sound like she minded the indirectness, more what went on after that little exchange i.e. the LFG (:o) complained about her daughter's manners.

People do sometimes have cravings for things that contain the nutrients they're lacking, quirrelquarrel.

I'm not saying that's necessarily what was going on, just that I think it's bizarre and a bit lacking in compassion to be both genuinely worried that a child seems unwell, lacking in calcium and potassium, about to keel over from malnutrition etc., and also to be very annoyed that they ask for food or eat more than you'd expect.

If you were actually worried about a child's health and nutrition, why would you include [what you perceive to be] their strange eating habits in a list of reasons why you're "overjoyed to be getting shot of" her?

Re: the nail polish, the daughter's manners, and that "thank you", who knows what the context was?

Could be that LFG noticed OPdd's nails, said "oh that's a nice color" and OPdd said a cheery "thank you!" without realising that LFG was hoping she'd hand her the bottle.

Or it could be that OPdd1, OPdd2, and LSG were happily sharing nail polish and talking and giggling, and LFG walked into the room and said "I'd love to paint my nails too - what a great color!" and OPdd said "thank you" and went back to ignoring her and talking to the other girls.

We don't know, but it's possible she was treated unkindly by OPdds and LSG, and it's also possible that she wasn't treated unkindly but felt excluded anyway. Either way, she has every right to talk to her mother about how she feels, fgs.

Have enquired and apparently the nail varnish thing happened when DD1 was the only other girl at home with LFG. DD1 who is 16 and very social is frankly mystified by LFG's reaction. She is not a rude and unkind girl in any way shape or form.

LSG who talked a lot to LFG has supplied the information that LFG said she finds "That's cool!" to be an incredibly rude thing to say. This mystified them all, but since they say it pretty much every other sentence (like 97% of teenagers in this country) she must have thought them monstrously rude indeed.