to be so glad that my friend's daughter is going home tomorrow?

[duchesse]

12, nearly 13 yo daughter of (French) school mate (hadn't seen her for about 15 years until last year though) has been here two weeks.

Over the last 2 weeks, she has:

-snacked constantly (her mum tells me she doesn't eat much when I express surprise that such a slender girl needs to eat every 30 mn or she basically keels over), helped herself to biscuits, crisps, bread, etc without asking although I made it clear when she arrived that only fruit was available between meals (same rule for everyone in this house);

-used the home phone to phone her parents about 3-4 times a day without asking permission,

-got her parents to ring up and get me to log her into the internet she could go on Facebook, got her mother to sanction 2-3 hours of FB and internet a day (which I consider crazy especially at her age), sent her here with a Blackberry on which she's been texting her friends constantly,

-basically refused to do the same chores as the other children in this house -ie lay and clear the table after one meal every 5 days

-demanded inappropriate food at random intervals (ie ice cream when none was on offer, fish and chips, repeatedly)

-continually made negative remarks about everything- took her to a concert at DD's school, all the performers were crap apparently (she plays in the conservatoire so obv vastly superior), sneering at children having pizza at 4:30 in a pizzeria

-rung her parents to complain that my DD is not treating her right- apparently replying "thank you" when someone compliments your nail polish is not the right thing to say.

Can you tell she's been driving me fecking nuts over the last two weeks?

1 week and 6 days she appeared to suddenly relax and calm down a lot- if she'd stayed a couple more weeks she'd have been fine. As it is I'm just overjoyed to be shot of her and more specifically her parents and their bizarre demands that their daughter be treated differently from my children and other foreign student (and seriously my little Spanish girl's parents are fine about us and on their third child with us and she's coming back for the autumn term).

My personal feeling is that her mother has become seriously unhinged and that the child is just expressing the pressures on her in her daily life. I actually think her mother is either deluded or lying about the food thing and worry that the child may have a health problem although tbh she could just be growing very fast. Either that or her mother starves her at home and she's eating while she can.

Aww if she is always hungry and has a huge appetite then perhaps the fruit just wasn't satisfying it. Or maybe she doesn't like fruit? Did you ask her?

I went to stay with my friend's French relatives for a few days once and I did everything I could to avoid their meals as it was just too different to what I was used to and, like many kids, I had conservative and narrow tastes.

She sounds like she was nervous, didn't really want to come and trying to seem grown up to deal with it and it came off as cocky and rude.

I would have just let her eat.

Oh and the fish and chips. When I'm in France I do just want to eat their bread every single day with every single meal. Oh and the fries.

I hate the "my house my rules" thing. It's an awfully rude way to behave when you have guests.

It's like people who say they don't suffer fools gladly. They always turn out to just be a bit horrid!

frilly so do I - it actually makes me clench when I read or hear someone say it!

My ds is the skinniest boy imaginable and eats pretty much on the hour every hour - can't get enough down him in one go. I have given up and accepted he is a 'grazer.'

Also - as the mother of an extremely skinny boy who is also 6'3", I can absolutely say that people with this metabolism need to eat often and fruit alone does not always cut it I'm afraid.

I too have given in valiumredhead and just make sure we are stocked up with crumpets and bread and hummus and stuff. He has been known to eat a pile of sandwiches and then a full roast dinner!

I live in Brittany and we have lovely food and I've never tasted cider.

I think going to stay in anyone else's house often creates problems over hunger/eating. If you are used to eating a certain way/being able to help yourself to food because you are hungry or you are used to having breakfast at a particular time for example, it IS difficult to adapt politely to someone else's "rules" for more than a day or two. If you are staying in someone's house for more than a few days it can be quite a tricky business, fitting in, unless the host does his/her very best to be accommodating and acknowledges that your own regime is different and tries to find ways to meet you half way.

Most of the time, as adults, we would find ways to cope if the regime at a hosts house was very different and we were there for more than a couple of days (buy our own snacks or fruit or whatever it is we're used to having) so as not to a) feel uncomfortable and b) embarrass our hosts by seeming to suggest that they were not catering for our needs.

I can remember being thoroughly miserable on foreign exchange visits. I was very polite and did my best to fit in - but I was bloody miserable, because it was all so,well, foreign! (I've done lots of travelling since then and will eat anything and everything, but as a sheltered young teen I found being away from home in a foreign family environment very, very hard).

Ooh the Soft Parade, used to listen to that all the time.

I always thought it was "listen to me, children" though.

But I agree with your point.

Well my dd is up near the top of the centiles and if her bmi was any higher she would be overweight - she is literally on the borderline between healthy and overweight. I only let her have healthy snacks between healthy, homemade meals - she can have as much healthy stuff as she likes. If I let her have biscuits she would eat the whole pack and if I just gave her a couple she would still be hungry. She obviously has occasional treats but there's no way I would let her eat unlimited junk. So I'm afraid in my house it would be my rules. I wouldn't be allowing my daughter to stuff herself for 2 weeks or allowing a guest to do so while she didn't.
If you don't find a piece of fruit filling, have another piece or some vegetable sticks or something else healthy. I could understand the outrage if the OP wasn't offering anything between meals and leaving the child hungry but there is no necessity for crisps and biscuits to be eaten daily by anyone. If the child genuinely couldn't eat any healthy snacks for some reason (which I find hard to believe) then I assume her mother would have mentioned something to the OP. It is far more likely that she is just taking the piss - like my dd would if a family she was staying with let her get away with it. I would much rather anyone taking care of my child made sure she ate a sensible diet.

Gilbonzo if DH anyone will pay for me to go to Brittany on holiday now I am willing to try the weather and cuisine again for the sake of MN, of course.

Re the cider: I know people who live in Summmerrrzzet who've never tried cider. That doesn't mean it's not there. Lets hope it has improved. Frankly it was worse than scrumpy jack.

Now the scenery of Brittany was lovely but as a sulky teenager you don't necessarily appreciate that sort of thing. And you had to squint through the rain to see it

I can't give a personal view on the cider because all cider tastes like shit I don't like it but dh would live off it and I know loads of other people who like it but they're all mad

And it only ever rains here when I have guests in the gites or friends/family here in the summer and I've banged on about how beautiful the beaches are

Leaving aside the food issue (and I agree that the OP is a bit controlling about food), seems to me that the thing is this kid is just too young to be away from home this long and to be expected to abide by another family's rules. I went on an exchange when I was 15 and I was miserable. Its very hard being away from your family in the first place, especially if you're going through puberty, and then to have a whole load of additional stress because of what seem like arbitrary rules on top is hard for someone as emotionally immature as a 12-year old to cope with. It does sound like she has been a bit of a madam, OP, and I sympathize, but the poor thing is probably miserable. And on the food issue in theory I can see why you might want your kids only to eat fruit between meals but I do think its unnecessary rigid to basically ban anything else It does sound like a recipe for food neuroses of various kinds.

OP, some of the examples you site are so obviously exaggerated for effect subjective that I would imagine the girl's side of the story would read very differently.

For example, did she really eat "constantly" or even every thirty minutes, and did she really "basically keel over"? Because if she did, you should have had her seen to by a medical professional.

Ringing home a lot just sounds like she was homesick. Yes, she should have asked permission, but did you speak to her the first time she did it? Kindly? And then it happened again repeatedly? What did she say when you talked to her, "fuck off I'll use the phone whenever I like"?

How did she "basically refuse" to do the chores? Did she refuse or not?

How did she "demand" inappropriate food? Was it "Hey you, get me some fish and chips, dammit!" That sounds like a demand. Or was it more like "Do you have any ice cream?" which would be more like a request, which you may have found cheeky.

What did her "sneering at children having pizza at 4:30 in a pizzeria" consist of? Did she say something to them? Insult them? Comment on how it's different from home?

The bit about ringing her parents to complain about your dd saying "thank you" to her for complimenting her nails just doesn't make any sense at all. What's the rest of that story?

Sorry for picking the post apart, I just think that the language you're using ("demanding" "sneering" "complaining that dd said 'thank you'") is so extreme and laden with judgement that it's impossible to think that you're presenting an objectively accurate view of her behaviour.

It sounds like you just needed to offload, and that's fair enough, but I hope that in real life you're managing to disguise your obvious dislike of the poor girl. She is just a kid. :(

I suspect she cant wait to go either,,some break,,poor kid.Lighten up a bit.

slightly relieved that other countries have teenagers like ours. Dd is 11 going on 17,; I anticipate the next 7 years to be a constant saga of whinging, eating, moaning, sleeping and unreasonable behaviour. Aren't they meant to be like this? Remember Kevin and Perry.

Good post cloudydays.
Noticed a lot of these points as well but couldn't be arsed bringing them up.
Poor kid.

your expectations were -

-healthy snacks between meals
-asking to use phone
-limited internet use
-joining win with chores
-being respectful to others

I consider these all to be fair and normal expectations. I would happily send my kids to your house. Child sounds like she is spoilt at home.

"Tilly, Im surprised you say that comfort eating is not a eating disorder, as a psychiatric nurse, you should be well aware that it is."

Isn't there a difference between compusive over-eating for comfort, and chowing down on mashed potatoes or Ben & Jerry's when life is a bit shit, though? I mean compusive overeating, sure. Comfort eating I don't think is unusual enough to be an eating disorder. I'm yet to meet a woman who doesn't do it.

ooh you do sound a bit hard work - the poor girl

have a

It's seems that the prevailing opinion that it's "controlling" not to allow kids to eat unlimited junk food - and people wonder why so many kids are obese these days.

I'm with skybluepearl. I don't get why everyone is having a go at the OP. The whole point of foreign exchange is that you're meant to be treated as one of the family.

I went to Lille on a foreign exchange. I was a pretty fussy eater as a child but I always made an effort to eat something to be polite - even the fois gras . There is no way I would have helped myself to food from their cupboards!

I know lots of people who keep crisps (and biscuits) in case of unexpected visitors.