to be so glad that my friend's daughter is going home tomorrow?

[duchesse]

12, nearly 13 yo daughter of (French) school mate (hadn't seen her for about 15 years until last year though) has been here two weeks.

Over the last 2 weeks, she has:

-snacked constantly (her mum tells me she doesn't eat much when I express surprise that such a slender girl needs to eat every 30 mn or she basically keels over), helped herself to biscuits, crisps, bread, etc without asking although I made it clear when she arrived that only fruit was available between meals (same rule for everyone in this house);

-used the home phone to phone her parents about 3-4 times a day without asking permission,

-got her parents to ring up and get me to log her into the internet she could go on Facebook, got her mother to sanction 2-3 hours of FB and internet a day (which I consider crazy especially at her age), sent her here with a Blackberry on which she's been texting her friends constantly,

-basically refused to do the same chores as the other children in this house -ie lay and clear the table after one meal every 5 days

-demanded inappropriate food at random intervals (ie ice cream when none was on offer, fish and chips, repeatedly)

-continually made negative remarks about everything- took her to a concert at DD's school, all the performers were crap apparently (she plays in the conservatoire so obv vastly superior), sneering at children having pizza at 4:30 in a pizzeria

-rung her parents to complain that my DD is not treating her right- apparently replying "thank you" when someone compliments your nail polish is not the right thing to say.

Can you tell she's been driving me fecking nuts over the last two weeks?

1 week and 6 days she appeared to suddenly relax and calm down a lot- if she'd stayed a couple more weeks she'd have been fine. As it is I'm just overjoyed to be shot of her and more specifically her parents and their bizarre demands that their daughter be treated differently from my children and other foreign student (and seriously my little Spanish girl's parents are fine about us and on their third child with us and she's coming back for the autumn term).

My personal feeling is that her mother has become seriously unhinged and that the child is just expressing the pressures on her in her daily life. I actually think her mother is either deluded or lying about the food thing and worry that the child may have a health problem although tbh she could just be growing very fast. Either that or her mother starves her at home and she's eating while she can.

My abiding memory, above all else, of the two week French exchange visit to Orleans was being fucking starving all the time. I lost half a stone in that fortnight (and as I was then five feet eight and nine stone I really didn't need to).

People going on about "food issues" do annoy me. I've had trouble over food coupled with pretty strict parents who wouldn't dream of bending to fall in with me on that kind of thing, and I don't have any of these "issues". So what? So your mum made you eat your veg and you had a few pangs in between meals. Now you have an excuse to be a raging psychopath at 21 when you finally escape, or you suppress the urge and live the rest of your life a martyr. I don't think so.

Also- "desperately homesick", how fragile is this girl? Has she been discovered sobbing her heart out privately, or is she going about her own business in exactly the same way as she does at home. Doubt she's comfort eating- apparently that's an eating disorder and you can't latch onto one in two weeks. It's only two weeks. If she feels sad she knows she can call her parents but otherwise there's this whole new way of life to get stuck into, which means observing what the family does and getting herself in line. Am probably appearing completely discompassionate but how "desperate" can this homesickness be if she doesn't seem at all intimidated?

I have to say I agree with the OP that it is fruit between meals. Biscuits, ice cream and crips and occasinonal treats not everyday snacks for children - and certainly not something they should be helping themselves to between meals (which is bloody rude apart from anything else). I am sure the girl got to try fish and chips and if she was getting 3 meals a day with fruit in between she was being well fed. She may have been homesick and probably was which is no doubt part of her behaviour) but allowing her to "comfort eat" junk food is not going to help. No wonder we have a problem with obeseity!

Bonsoir, I knew you would have the definitive answer

AFWIW, having spent a lot of time staying in France with my French friends (including observing the habits of French teenagers!), I think you are right. At least for the French middle classes!

Duchesse I don't blame you, her parents need to be reined in, and the girl did not display much manners tbh, I would not have her again. She is 13 not 3 and should know simple Etiquette, she is French after all, not like us caveman Brits.

I agree that you need to chill, especially regarding food. Does your rule apply to adults too. As an adult it's up to the person to make their decision about food, not yours

Reading other comments she did sound homesick but maybe not able to tell you. Thinking if it now, you could have relaxed your rules for a guest and to have a chat to her and make it known that you are there if she feels sad.

I'm a psychiatric nurse, comfort eating is not an eating disorder.

bigTillyMint - all French people have terrible experiences/memories of food in England. French and English eating habits are very different.

Bonsoir- no they don't. My mum came back from London with a suitcase full of Heinz baked beans. She was entranced :o

Hebrewlass- I was being sarcastic. I meant we should just stop trying to classify things and let people be. Eating a lot doesn't mean she has a problem, being on facebook and her phone certainly doesn't mean anything of the sort (she's 13!).

YANBU I'd be mortified if my dcs went to stay somewhere for 2 weeks and 'demanded' food or used FB/texting excessively. I don't like them to snack too much in between meals but they do have the odd bag of crisps and biscuits but only because I know they'll still eat meals. Ds2 is very slim so he needs a lot of calories.

Was it her first time away?

Gosh Bonsoir we are not that bad, if you want bad try the US. One would think we were cavemen. Uk is a multicultural country which serves food from around the world, we are not stuck in an era of spam fritters and toad in the hole.

Tilly I think you are wrong there. Comfort eating is as much an eating disorder as anorexia, especially in the extreme that it takes over the person's life and they become morbidly or super morbidly obese. It also has psychological origins, the person may be depressed, suffered trauma in their lives which causes them to cmfort eat

Sorry meant Hebrew not Tilly in my last paragraph

Oh well!! She's gone now.

My 12 year old daughter eats huge amounts of food. They are growing and if she is not fat then you shouldn't worry. I think you do sound controlling about food and that you should relax a bit, however having any child to stay for a long period can be stressful and you are probably overreacting as tired?

French food is bloody awful in some parts of France and trying to get hold of healthy-ish breakfast cereals or other breakfast goods is damn near impossible!

I'm largely on the OP's side here. Surely being included in chores and other aspects of family life might have helped with her homesickness? Keeping busy rather than moping and spending all that time on the phone/Facebook.

I do think the food rules could have been relaxed a bit (perhaps if she asked for food between meals she could have been encouraged to make something she liked, for everybody?) but asking for other food just before meals are served is rude and someone who's nearly 13 should know that.

And using the phone without permission is not on, as is being so negative about everything.

I didn't like that sneering at the OP's use of the phrase 'revision food'. I don't have teenagers and I've never used the phrase myself, but it wasn't hard to guess what she meant, and I think it's a sensible idea.

I'm with you on the 'only fruit between meals'. Too many people seem to think that you need to include crisps and biscuits in a child'd diet for energy etc without realising that fruit is actually a really good source of energy! Occasionally, fine. As regular snacks between meals every day/several times a week - no. It's encouraging bad habits that won't do them any favours when they're older.

Curiousmama - there are better sources of calories too if your DS needs to keep weight on. I had a high metabolism as a child so I know what it's like! :)

I don't think the OP sounds overly strict but I do agree that the girl was probably homesick. And possibly had PMT, I know that used to make me ravenous!

I think the girl's parents have spoiled the trip for everyone with their interfering. Spending all that time on the phone and internet to friends and family back home would just reinforce the homesickness, I think. She'd have been better off with her parents advising her to get stuck into the host family life.

I'd have probably switched the router off

As q result the british are more adventurous with their cooking, how adventurous are th French!

It's probably down to culture - and your friendship with her mother. That said, your views on what kids should and shouldn't do aren't aligned with what your friend thinks, obviously.

It sounds as if she was only there because of your friendship with her mum, she doesn't seem to be particularly friends with your daughter or any of your other children.

Perhaps she relaxed after 1 week 6 days because she knew she was going home. We don't all have poker faces and annoyance can translate very easily, language aside.

I don't think you should have discussed her diet with your friend; it sounds like you were annoyed about the girl taking the food without asking and have 'dressed it up' into concern. That doesn't really wash, a two-week splurge isn't going to affect a lifetime of 'French' cultured eating.

Anyway, you have your house back now.

Bonsoir I'm interested to know how eating habits vary in France. You say meals are more copious. Do you mean portion sizes or courses?

I'm aware that my absurdly skinny DC eat three proper meals a day and yet still want oddles of snacks and crapola.
It concerns me yet they so clearly need the energy and calories.

I'll be honest OP, I bet she can't wait to get home herself ... Lesson learnt, don't do it again!

I don't think her behaviour is that bad/unusual for a young adolescent. I think her parents' anxiety is. I think her parents worrying about her interactions with your kids to the point they raise it is barmy, in fact, unless they actively believed she was being bullied.

As to the food thing - I was brought up with no food between meals unless it was a sandwich or piece of fruit as well. We never had biscuits in the house, though, as mum was skint. Cake was made by her when we had it. I don't think it's odd to have that regime, but I think shock that others don't adhere to it might be.

She sounds like she may have been comfort eating, the facebook time and texting sounds like loneliness/homesickness, too. And calling her parents 4 times a day, same. Has she ever been away from home before? She may have been difficult because she felt isolated and unhappy - not all 12 year olds could take 2 weeks away from home, or their own country, in their stride.

Revision food is fine. My dad used to break up beschuit for me. But then took it away because he thought the crunching sound would distract me :o

Ditto about trying to find Holland and Barrett type healthy food in France- they're good at making it healthy from scratch and being thin i.e. small portions etc, but I definitely prefer the bread over here. Yuck pain de mie- disgusting smell, warm little synthetic squares of soggy starch.
I like talking about food! :o

I'm amazed the general consensus seems to be that OP is cruel from begrudging that poor girl her 'treats'. I genuinely can't see anything wrong with snacking on fruit rather than junk food every day. What wrong with a banana if you're hungry?

Wordfactory from a French perspective- someone mentioned the OP had 'food issues'. To me it seems a lot of British people seem to have food obsession. There's the 'biscuit with tea' thing, the mid-morning bar of chocolate/bag of crisps break etc plus the idea of food as treats or food as 'boring'.

Growing up we had breakfast and two hot meals (salad/main course/dessert. Dishes on the table so that everyone could help themselves- no pre-served plates) a day (I find the idea of big lunch/small dinner or vice versa difficult- you always end up eating too much at one meal and not enough at the other) and 'gouter' which could be fruit/biscuit/croissant/baguette with Nutella at 4. And yes if we were still hungry between meals we could have fruit. We had the odd sweet but not everyday and ice cream was usually for dessert, not as a 'treat'.

I guess I see that as normal and I don't remember being hungry or traumatised as a child