to be so glad that my friend's daughter is going home tomorrow?

[duchesse]

12, nearly 13 yo daughter of (French) school mate (hadn't seen her for about 15 years until last year though) has been here two weeks.

Over the last 2 weeks, she has:

-snacked constantly (her mum tells me she doesn't eat much when I express surprise that such a slender girl needs to eat every 30 mn or she basically keels over), helped herself to biscuits, crisps, bread, etc without asking although I made it clear when she arrived that only fruit was available between meals (same rule for everyone in this house);

-used the home phone to phone her parents about 3-4 times a day without asking permission,

-got her parents to ring up and get me to log her into the internet she could go on Facebook, got her mother to sanction 2-3 hours of FB and internet a day (which I consider crazy especially at her age), sent her here with a Blackberry on which she's been texting her friends constantly,

-basically refused to do the same chores as the other children in this house -ie lay and clear the table after one meal every 5 days

-demanded inappropriate food at random intervals (ie ice cream when none was on offer, fish and chips, repeatedly)

-continually made negative remarks about everything- took her to a concert at DD's school, all the performers were crap apparently (she plays in the conservatoire so obv vastly superior), sneering at children having pizza at 4:30 in a pizzeria

-rung her parents to complain that my DD is not treating her right- apparently replying "thank you" when someone compliments your nail polish is not the right thing to say.

Can you tell she's been driving me fecking nuts over the last two weeks?

1 week and 6 days she appeared to suddenly relax and calm down a lot- if she'd stayed a couple more weeks she'd have been fine. As it is I'm just overjoyed to be shot of her and more specifically her parents and their bizarre demands that their daughter be treated differently from my children and other foreign student (and seriously my little Spanish girl's parents are fine about us and on their third child with us and she's coming back for the autumn term).

My personal feeling is that her mother has become seriously unhinged and that the child is just expressing the pressures on her in her daily life. I actually think her mother is either deluded or lying about the food thing and worry that the child may have a health problem although tbh she could just be growing very fast. Either that or her mother starves her at home and she's eating while she can.

klitty- in this case we're talking half a packet at a time, not just a couple!

Don't see what's wrong with only health snacks between meals, that's what mine have to eat, if you let them eat all kinds of crap all day long you'd be slated for letting them develope unhealthy eating habits !

YABU

I never begrudge a child food.

Sounds like she relaxed because she knew she would be home soon. Also like at least subconsciously she didn't want to be there, perhaps she's not emotionally ready to be so far away from home yet?

demanded inappropriate food at random intervals

Inappropriate ice-cream? Really? Was the ice-cream also offensive?

You really have some food issues.

She's a teenager, a long way from home with people she doesn't know. And you impose your super-controlling food regime on her and moan about her being on FB/texting her friends.

I think she deserves a medal for sticking it out.

You are getting a hard time on here! If you have a foreign student you expect them to live as family. YANBU and I can see that you are glad she is going.
(when did not serving fish and chips, icecream and crisps on demand become a super-controlling food regime?

I did my first French exchange when I was 12 (and am still really good friends with her and her whole family, 35 years on!)

I don't ever remember phoning/wanting to phone my mum
I did everything I could to be polite and fit in, including any chores, like the 7 children in the family
Ate the copious meals provided and didn't consider asking for/taking anything else

However, there is a big difference between a 12yo and a 15yo!

Maybe her mother is very controlling over food (thin French woman???? I'm sure Bonsoir will have a view) and she saw this as her chance?!

I expect that her mother was overcontrolling and she was under the impression that the British live on junk food and snacks!

Actually, YANBU.
Because if you are at someone else's house, especially a foreign person - with you being a guest, it is common courtesy in my book to ask to use the phone before you go and do so. Foreign calls aren't cheap and some people can't afford it, as well.
She shouldn't be using Facebook before she turns thirteen and I think the mother was being unreasonable to ring you up and let her on there. I don't see anything wrong with her using the internet as it's a source of entertainment - much like television and such, though.
The girl should also offer to do something to help out at the very least, although it is fairly common for people to think as a guest, that they don't have to do anything?

As for the inappropriate food - OP I wouldn't worry too much about her eating habits. My DP can eat like a horse but is as thin as a rake, because he has such a high metabolism. So, this could be the case here. Another reason why she eats so much could be because the brands or kinds of food in England are different to France, so she enjoys eating the foreign food? Of course she could just be slightly over the top and greedy, but those two come to mind before that. I don't think wanting to encourage your family to eat heathily inbetween mealtimes is a bad thing per-say; it's can be hard enough to get children to eat their five a day amongst everything else! I think some snacks apart from fruit are good for when more energy is needed, and won't hurt if it's once or twice a day. :)

Having other people's children in the house, particularly when they are not friends of your own children, is fraught with potential difficulties.

I very much doubt that your friend's DD realised that the phone calls home cost you money. In France international telephone calls have been free for yonks with all providers. Calling her parents is no different to her to taking a glass of water from the tap.

And you sound a bit mean about snacks. We are a non-snack household, but I definitely relax my food rules for visiting children - a lot of people use food as a comforter when in distress, and, more than anything else, if a visiting child were snacking a lot I would be wondering whether they weren't comfort eating and needing more T&C.

FB and Blackberry use also sounds as if she were very homesick and missing familiar friends.

If, as it sounds, she was feeling very disorientated and homesick, she is likely to be negative and unhelpful.

bigTillyMint - French mothers are absolutely not controlling over food! However, the meals provided in French homes tend to be more copious, better tasting and better balanced than in British homes which greatly reduces the desire/need to snack between meals (which French people don't nearly as much as the British).

I can see both sides here a bit.

On one hand, if you stay in someone's house, you need to be polite and live by their rules, and I don't think 12 is too young to understand this.

On the other I think she may have been quite homesick - it's pretty young to be away for so long - and a bit more give and kindness on your side wouldn't have hurt.

I think, if she wanted to do FB for 3 hours, well she's not your child, where's the harm? It could help take her mind off things.

I also have a nearly 12 year old who is very very skinny - and eats and eats and eats. We've had to cram her full of as many carbs as we can get into her since she was young, and she does snack between meals. If you are very thin, and you say this girl is, you can feel quite faint with only fruit between meals. On the other hand, you do say mum says she doesn't normally snack, so maybe she was just taking advantage. I'd have probably let her eat them on day one and not bought any more if it bothered me.

So, I think she could have done with a bit more politeness and you with a bit more kindness. We used to have foreign students each year and 95% of them were wonderful, but the odd one was awful - rude, badly behaved. I look back now and wonder if it was just a case of homesickness and us not handling them as well as we could have done. Anyhow, you know to say no to this mum next time!

You've got a 12 year old house guest and you want her to do chores?

The snacking is no big thing at all, and as for the food I just dont get why you are so mad about that. Your home sounds very strictly controlled.

She sounds desperately homesick poor girl.

I think you sound a bit obsessed with food and weight to be honest. So what if the girl is thin, does it mean she should go hungry? Why did you agree to host her if you could not feed her? People eat because they are hungry! Perhaps you were not providing enough food for your guest!

You sound like you are quite mean with food. Your statement "hadn't seen her for about 15 years until last year though" I think says a lot more about the situation.

I would expect a visiting child to ask for any snacks and I can't see the harm in fruit as a snack. My dcs can have one 'junk' snack and anything others are fruit. I don't see this as controlling, I see it as looking out for their health. And I hardly think laying the table counts as a 'chore'. If you were asking her to clean the bathroom then that would be unfair but general mucking in is part of family life and I assume that she came to you to experience English family life over coming for a 2 week pampering session.

I don't think you sound obessed and I'd be surprised if anyone who doesn't 'control childrens food' would allow their child to eat 3/4 packets of crisps or a whole packet of buscuits in a day.

I went on exchanges at 13 and 14 yo and loved it. Helped out where needed and ate what the family ate - that was the point to experience other peoples families and way of life in another country.

I also only allow fruit between my healthy and balanced meals. I would allow crisps as a snack occasionally if not had them for lunch. But not at 5pm when dinner will be half hour - as it then annoys me when the dinner is not eaten.

I've solved it my buying 1 packet of crisps and 1 six pack of crisps a week for DS - when they're gone they're gone. It has helped him to learn moderation - mindyou he's wierd and has just had last nights leftover salad for breakfast. I had toast with brie

1 packet of biscuits and 1............

The thing here is that there seems to be a difference in the way people deal with young guests. I am of the "Let them eat crisps" variety....if it keeps them happy and it's not permanent then what's the problem?

Others seem to think that it's fine to ask a 12 year old to bend completely to fit into the regime of a strange family....including quite strict eating habits and chores...

it doesn't sound like you Mothered her at all tbh & it's maybe this which rankles....

...I have met irritating kids....a friend of my DD demands massive bars of chocolate (she's 6) when we take her out for the day....I find this greedy and not really polite....a 6 year old doesnt NEED a bar of Galaxy after they've just been to Pizza Hut...BUT...I also knew her parents would have let her....and she was only 6....and having her first visit away....so I got her one.

It didn't kill me and I don't dislike her for it.....it's give and take....I wanted her to be happy and comfortable when away from her Mum and Dad.

OP your fecking mad!!

With visiting children, rather than laying down the rules, I think it is better to ask them what they are used to at home. You can then assess the differences between your usual modus operandi (on food, baths, internet and telephone usage, chores etc) and try to find an acceptable middle ground for the duration of their stay.

Just expecting any child, whatever their usual habits, to adapt to your family is very hard and unwelcoming.

hellokitty

Why does the op have to justify why she has crisps & biscuits in her house!

You don't get hungry in between meals if you eat reasonable amounts and you can fill up with water/fruit/veg.
She must have gouter at home- which is bread, quintessential Nutella, gallette or something like that.
Nothing wrong with no snacking in between meals...besides it's good to feel hungry sometimes, you train yourself. Apart from snack food being expensive etc, you get enough at mealtimes, you can ask for second or third servings. It's not like a POW camp, it's civilised living, instead of helping yourself whenever you want and not trying to restrict yourself at all. Food is a good place to start.

My French exchange partner wasn't great...spent loads of time on the computer (read over my shoulder when I was checking my emails etc), got up from the table to answer her phone, refused to do anything but watch TV (she replaced and took out all the DVDs herself, blocking the living room)...but she's only one visitor. The hosts aren't there to teach her anything.

She doesn't! But I pointed out that if she's SO against anything other than fruit in-between meals then WHY has she even got them there to tempt the kids. Smacks of double standards.

So did you actually let her have any fish and chips at any point? Surely she was asking for this as a British cultural meal that must be experienced by all visitors, like snails in France or whatever, she'd probably been told to try some during her visit if she could.