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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not buy a wedding present from the wedding list?

64 replies

McDreamy · 05/07/2011 20:06

I am going to a wedding at the weekend and plan to go out shopping later this wee. My plan was to buy something for them then but it suddenly occurred to me would this be rude? Should I stick to the list?

OP posts:
lachesis · 05/07/2011 20:10

I usually stick to the list as long as it's reasonable (not, the cheapest thing on there is £200) or pop a voucher or money in a card.

mo3d · 05/07/2011 20:10

I think the list is more a 'wish list'. So if you have something else in mind that you want to get, I think that's fine.

drivemecrazy63 · 05/07/2011 20:10

you give what you want to ive , i understand sometimes why people ive a list out as they dont want ifts repeated or they want a particular coffee pot or desin or somethin, but it depends on WHAT there askin for if they are reasonable requests and how much they cost so can you aford it, I personally think gift lists are wrong , i was brouht up to believe you should jjust be thankful for what you get , wether its another toast rack or nots neither here nor there so iid buy whatever i feels right

CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/07/2011 20:10

Stick to the list unless you know the couple exceptionally well and know for a fact that your gift isn't something they've already got. Caveat... if the list doesn't contain anything under £100, feel free to express yourself :)

drivemecrazy63 · 05/07/2011 20:11

Blush my letter G keeps sticking sorry

fifitot · 05/07/2011 20:16

I have a similar dilemma. Me and DH are skint, the wedding we are going to, the bride and groom are well off and very aspirational. Their wedding list is at flaming Selfridges and contains nothing under £50. I can't bloody afford a present that costs that much!

I got married, had a very small list and gave people the option of buying off it or not.

I think people take the piss with this stuff they really do.

I have no advice about it as I don't know what to do either but am not spending £50 plus quid for a couple who have everything anyway!

catgirl1976 · 05/07/2011 20:22

It is perfectly acceptable to buy off the list, particularly if the gift is something personal or something you really think they would love and is it bit bespoke or special. Its not good form to get something that is on the list but a different style or model (eg you get them a toaster, but NOT the one on the list), but if you say got them a painting because it made you think of them, or a book with some sort of meaning / message then that is fine

(Also fine if the list is out of your price range)

Original poster
McDreamy · 05/07/2011 20:23

That was my thinking - something a bit different not a toaster or cutlery type present. Not sure what yet though Hmm

OP posts:
redexpat · 05/07/2011 20:36

If you are good at giving gifts then yes go for it. I had some lovely off the list presents!

readywithwellies · 05/07/2011 20:38

Personally I would rather not receive something 'different' i would prefer you didn't get me anything if you didn't want to give cash, a voucher or something off the list. I would never go off track unless I was 100% sure it was welcome. Most peoples' idea of 'different' would read as useless dust collecting tat to me. I had teddy bears dressed as a bride and groom. They cost
A fortune but I didn't appreciate them at all, I just begrudged finding somewhere to
Put them and now relegated to the attic, headed for next car boot. Ungrateful? Probably!

Mischif · 05/07/2011 20:39

Yes, found it lovely to have an individual present that somebody had really thought about. But a bit annoying when we received a meat cleaver from one couple, who'd also bought us a meat cleaver as an engagement present. Wasn't sure if they just forgot they'd bought one for engagement, or it was some kind of joke. But as we had one already, ended up with three of them. I think if people ask for things, it's not to be controlling, it's just so that they don't end up with a load of stuff they'lll never use. A friend of ours gave a table made from a tree trunk - sort of tree trunky shape - which I thought was a really lovely individual gift.

redexpat · 05/07/2011 20:39

I should say including some lovely red wine, an anthology of love poetry, a book about Holland from our dutch friends and a tiny bristol blue glass vase.

Original poster
McDreamy · 05/07/2011 20:40

Do you have a Xmas list and a birthday list too then ready? (I know some people that do!)

OP posts:
catgirl1976 · 05/07/2011 20:40

Dear god I wasn't suggesting she got anything so vile as teddy bears dressed as bride and groom, but nor would I suggest she gave anything as vulgar as cash or a voucher. Something personal and given with love and thought is always acceptable and the couple should be greatful for any gift - on the list or not.

Original poster
McDreamy · 05/07/2011 20:41

Have to say bride and groom teddies weren't top of my list!!!

OP posts:
catgirl1976 · 05/07/2011 20:43

:) you didnt sound the type!

fifitot · 05/07/2011 20:46

I actually hate wedding lists if I'm honest. They are so presumptious. I know they exist to avoid getting 10 toasters but usually people have all the stuff they need anyway and the lists are just a way for them to indulge themselves. Well that's my experience anyway.

Sewmuchtodo · 05/07/2011 20:46

these seem to go down well

I make crates simmilar to these and they are a great wedding gift.....
ie, Mr & Mrs Smith
Est 2011

DoMeDon · 05/07/2011 20:50

I think it depends on the couple. I was just grateful people got us anything and wouldn;t care if it was on the list. Having said that if they are anal picky you might be better sticking to the list. They can always re-gift it.

Original poster
McDreamy · 05/07/2011 20:52

They are a delightful couple and I think they will be happy with whatever they are given.

OP posts:
wonkylegs · 05/07/2011 21:22

It depends what it is really and the people. If it's something really special that they wouldn't have been able to put on their john Lewis/debenhams/insert shop name here list then I think it's fine as long as it's well considered and not any old tat.
I did a painting for my SIL , which obviously gone down well as 7yrs and a house move later it still hangs pride if place in their house. I work in design so I guess a lot of people we know kind of expect to get something quirky from us (have given a lot of art, mine and bought) over the years but always very careful that I know the people well
All things considered it's a gift, not a right but because it is a gift it should be thought about and given with love and care ( which to me means you don't need to spend a fortune but you do need to spend some time & thought)Smile

diabolo · 05/07/2011 21:26

NEVER stick to the list. Choose something you think is suitable based on what you know about them.

Some old, good friends of ours had one at John Lewis. We bought them 2 Beryl Cook limited edition prints instead, one for him, one for her, but as a pair. The prints were totally apt based on certain aspects of their personalities.

(Must add, we have never seen the prints up on their wall, so god only knows what happened to them) Grin

Takver · 05/07/2011 21:32

Bear in mind also that the poor couple have probably been bullied into having a list anyway by their parents. And then harangued for the contents.

I would buy them whatever you like so long as it is not a glass punch bowl with six matching glass cups (everyone I know that got married within 6 months of us got at least one of them, IIRC we got two sets, others probably more).

RobynLou · 05/07/2011 21:34

the nicest things we were given weren't on our list, we only had a list because my mum insisted we have one to help elderly relatives...

Want2bSupermum · 05/07/2011 21:36

If the couple have spent time putting a list together then you should try and buy off the list unless they are being unreasonable and ask for expensive gifts (anything more than GBP50). If you do this include a gift receipt so the couple can exchange/return it they don't like it.

I was annoyed that guests at our wedding bought off the gift list and did not include a gift receipt. I was left with a bunch of stuff I had no use for and I had to haul it back to the US. I made sure there was a huge selection of gifts for guests to choose from which were priced between GBP10-35. I had a few more expensive gifts but they only made up about 10-15% of the registry. Another thing, I kept an eye on my registry and topped it up with cheaper things as I saw choices running low.