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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not buy a wedding present from the wedding list?

64 replies

McDreamy · 05/07/2011 20:06

I am going to a wedding at the weekend and plan to go out shopping later this wee. My plan was to buy something for them then but it suddenly occurred to me would this be rude? Should I stick to the list?

OP posts:

HipHopOpotomus · 05/07/2011 21:43

Nah give them something they don't want and probably don't have to space forl. It's a wedding gift after all and they will only feel like they have to live with the gift forever, whether it's wanted, needed, liked or not!

YABU unless you know for sure they will love your off piste gift.

hairfullofsnakes · 05/07/2011 21:43

fifitot in your situation I think it is totally acceptable not to buy off the list! But in most cases I would say stick to the list

quimbledonsemi · 05/07/2011 22:04

I can't stand lists either. We didn't have one. It's gone from being something that was given when asked to something slipped inside the invite and I think they're really rude.
BUT most people have them and the weddings I've been to I've either bought off the list or given cash if requested (whilst keeping my opinions on wedding lists to myself!).

bubblesincoffee · 05/07/2011 22:09

I wouldn't buy off list, unless all the gifts were expensive. But I am a firm believer in giving what you want to give. I think in this situation, as you don't already have something particular in mind that you would really like to give them, then you may as well buy from the list.

Why do you not feel you want to buy from the list?

Whatever you do, don't buy a different version of something that is on the list. Like buying a set of champagne glasses of your choosing when there is a set of champagne glasses on the list. Do check the list first, and if you go off list, then it has to be something personal and very well suited to the couple. Otherwise you are coming across liek you are offened buy the list, and you would give them anything as long as it's nt something they want because they were rude enough to have a list.

fifitot · 05/07/2011 22:18

When did lists start? Really in this day and age, do they really need lists? People should be happy to get a present!

In the 'olden days' people needed gifts to set up home together but now most people have all the 'stuff' already.

I had a little list because distant relatives requested it as easy to order from but it didn't sit easy with me. I wish now I hadn't bothered and got people to donate to charity. I know that sounds really 'right on' but tbh we didn't need most of the stuff we got.

cerealqueen · 05/07/2011 22:22

I've never bought off the list, its hard to get excited buying two pillowcases that are then sent and wrapped and you never see the gift. i hate also the feeling that is a swap of resources - we feed and entertain you and you get to buy pillowcases or towels, etc etc.
I've bought lovely photo frames in the past and they have been very warmly received. You shouldn't feel obliged to do anything you don't want.

Carrotsandcelery · 05/07/2011 22:38

We didn't have a list and had so much fun opening our wedding gifts.

We were touched by the ability people showed to tune in to our personalities, especially my dad's business colleagues. I am a bit of an oddity in our family and they seemed to have realised that and to have chosen accordingly.

We were given some fab stuff which we would never have asked for but which we love.

We did receive some really random gifts as well but know they were given with love.

The one that makes me laugh the most is the very expensive and fancy set of butchers knives - we are vegetarians

If you know your friends well then I see no problem going off list as long as it is not a domestic gift iykwim.

starmucks · 05/07/2011 22:49

We spent time on our list, it was stuff we really wanted! Some guests went off piste and bought us very thoughtful and much appreciated gifts, which was fine. A couple though not only slipped off piste but went leftfield with gifts that really reflected their personalities rather than our tastes. They weren't so good.

blackeyedsusan · 05/07/2011 22:51

we had a wedding list. i was insistant that it said things like navy blue towels (generic) rather than choosing to go to a specific shop. we also had small items on the list like "sieve" and salt shakers.

shame pils/sils wanted us to go to do a shop list but my view was it is miserable if you feel you have to buy off the list and even the face cloths cost £5 each or something ridiculous. (don't think it was good enough for their family though)

we got a lot of surprise presents too which were lovely.

BagofHolly · 05/07/2011 23:12

I can remember as a child, my grandma showing me 'wedding books' of weddings she was going to. They were essentially little notebooks with an item written on each page and you just ripped out the page of the present you were going to buy. And usually these were couples who had never lived together or away from home and so were starting right from scratch. That's the kind of list I can deal with. NOT one where the couple are just using the wedding as an opportunity to upgrade everything!
We've got a wedding next week. They're getting a slowcooker, not an £80 cruet they've put on their rather aspirational list!

fifitot · 06/07/2011 22:37

£80 cruet? I give you top of the range £299 toaster on a recent wedding I was invited to! A flaming toaster FFS!

BagofHolly · 06/07/2011 22:40

Ouch! They must think "stick it on the list and see what happens!" Although if we'd been given a toaster like that, I'd have taken it back and spent the money on Botox. Fair enough, I think!

Waswondering · 06/07/2011 22:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LittleMissFlustered · 06/07/2011 22:51

Best list I ever saw was a friend of mine. She and her husband loved to cook and have friend's round for eats and giggles, so their list included things Luke a wok, tea towels, random spoons etc.

I ended up getting them a wok, and an off-list cast iron door prop, as their kitchen door was never closed, but usually jammed open with a phone book... Sometimes off-list can compliment nicely:)

LolaRennt · 06/07/2011 22:52

I get personalised wedding ornaments made usually. They aren't very expensive they aren't likely to get loads of them and unlike personalised glasses etc if they dont like it they arent obligated to look at it all year!

LolaRennt · 06/07/2011 22:53

personalised wedding CHRISTMAS TREE ornaments

StellaSays · 06/07/2011 23:02

I normally get something off the list and something not off the list. Sometimes these can complement each other like the last wedding I went to I got a spade and garden fork from the list and a childs spade and rake not on the list for thier daughter.

TottWriter · 06/07/2011 23:04

What sort of list is it then? [nosey]

DP and I are getting married in October, and honestly, worrying about whether or not to have a wedding list was awful. I didn't want to put anything about gifts with the invite, but DP and PIL were of the opinion that it was easier to have a list or ask for vouchers because people expect to see that nowadays. I feel grubby asking for things though.

(We went with the asking for vouchers. Though I refused to word it in poetic form.)

Scuttlebutter · 06/07/2011 23:10

When in doubt,you can't go wrong with a bottle (or case!) of good champagne. I hate giving cash or vouchers but would be happy to do this, and it usually complements the list. Obviously not if both are teetotal.

cat64 · 06/07/2011 23:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

readywithwellies · 06/07/2011 23:21

To answer someones question - no I
don't have birthday or Christmas lists but I get very few presents as I don't buy for many people. It's only my parents and my dp and the dcs so I love everything they get.

Scuttlebutter · 06/07/2011 23:32

Gosh, Cat, we love champagne and have lots of friends and families who also do.

However, the broader point is to fit the gift to the couple - on that we can agree. I personally have no problem with the list idea, but the OP was asking about what to do if you wish to deviate. If I knew you sufficiently well to know that you didn't like champagne or what your favourite wine was then I would get something more appropriate.

Dorje · 06/07/2011 23:34

Stick to the list.

I have quite a few useless mathens from friends who thought they'd go 'off list' with me - and all I can think is that they were thinking of themselves when they bought them. We made the blardy list because we needed the pots and pans - we did not need antique silverware / paintings....

FWIW I've passed on a lot of unwanted pressies - so all their "thoughtfulness" and "uniqueness" and "proof of their obv. superior discriminatory powers" went to waste.

cat64 · 06/07/2011 23:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

trixymalixy · 06/07/2011 23:40

Stick to the list!!

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