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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be shocked by parents of some university students

247 replies

giraffesCantZumba · 05/07/2011 12:26

My friend works in the graduation office, this time of year is really busy for her so been working weekends/long hours etc. She was venting to me about this and says she gets 3/4 parents a day phoning trying to sort out their childs graduation for them! ANd become totally outraged when told that it is confidential and they can only deal with the student. When do the apron strings get cut?!

Often its because student has totally missed the deadline for paying graduation fees and they are outraged as their poor dc had no idea.

OP posts:

ilovesooty · 05/07/2011 22:53

I used to travel down/back on the train at the beginning and end of term too - everyone did. In the Summer you'd arrange for your luggage trunk/box to go on the train. Other terms you left stuff in storage and travelled light. Nowadays it seems to be Mum and Dad's taxi all the way.

wigglesrock · 05/07/2011 22:59

I used to work in university accommodation blocks (the glamour) We used to try and fine students who made a really bad mess, I don't mean dishes, normal mess etc, I mean shite everywhere literally. The office used to have irate parents constantly on the phone "there's no way my child did that etc", "I'm not paying". Then if they did come and visit, the complaints that were made re communal kitchens which were the students responsibilty were ridiculous as well. We also got a lot of messages along the lines of "could you just check if my son/daughter has anyone in their room"

exoticfruits · 05/07/2011 23:01

That's the way we all did it too ilovesooty but I don't think that anyone does trunks anymore and I bet the railway doesn't offer the service. Parents just didn't take at the start of term-but I am old.
Even when it was the norm for my DS1 to do open days alone, we took him and the place was packed with parent's delivering. We did just dump his stuff and go. That was another change by DS3-we dumped his stuff and then there was a special event for parents with hotdrink vouchers. (I don't think it was necessary because I can't remember what it was about!)

GoblinMarket · 05/07/2011 23:03

verlaine I LOVE your name 'parmis les arbres'

my dd is very much like yours 'no Mummy - my do it' now 16 still the same!

GoblinMarket · 05/07/2011 23:04

ds has a trunk - ebay special - hoiks it on and off the train!!

mumeeee · 05/07/2011 23:05

DD2 is about 3 hours drive away from us. I actually like going back with her at the beginning of a term to say goodbye. Actually most terms she goes back herself by coach. She doesn't bring all of her stuff home with her. Last year she moved from halls to a shared house, this house was in walking distance of the halls so DD and her friends moved all the stuff themselves and she stayed up there most of the summer ad she had a Summer job there. This year she is in the same house and had a different job so shez's not coming home. She is coming on Hholuday to Canada with us and we are picking her up on the way to the airport.

exoticfruits · 05/07/2011 23:06

In the 'old days' you didn't hoik it on and off trains-you addressed it and it eventually turned up, or if you were lucky it arrived first.

GoblinMarket · 05/07/2011 23:07

exotic i think you just summed it up
It's frankly 'unneccessary' . The events are laid on because parents want them - they serve no purpose - they just waste time and money imo
It should be about the children (teens/young adults) nothing to do with the parents.

Lilymaid · 05/07/2011 23:08

I too did the trunk thing - sent down on the train (Red Star parcels?) or by British Road Services - and then got the train down or got a boyfriend to drive me But university halls of residence now don't seem to have trunk rooms and everything has to be taken home each term, so parents have to come and collect. And the price of sending the equivalent of a trunk down by DHL or another courier is eye watering.

ilovesooty · 05/07/2011 23:11

And of course students have their own TVs and other luxuries...no communal TV rooms for them!

exoticfruits · 05/07/2011 23:17

Unfortunately I think it will only get worse. The type of parent who has always been micromanaging and swaddling in cotton wool isn't going to want to let go. Universities already seem to be bending under pressure. I hope they continue with the brutal cutting of the apron strings and telling them it is confidential and they can't tell them anything. At 18yrs they are adults. There is a thread at the moment about what people won't let their adult DCs do-hopefully it is lighthearted-I have pointed out that they have no say at all.

Omigawd · 05/07/2011 23:41

"Unfortunately I think it will only get worse. The type of parent who has always been micromanaging and swaddling in cotton wool isn't going to want to let go. Universities already seem to be bending under pressure."

I also think that the current trend is for increasing cotton wool. As fees go up they will feel even more justified. I'd also predict a whole tertiary education "special needs" clamour starting.

A1980 · 05/07/2011 23:59

I don't get it either.

When I started uni at 18, my mum had no clue what I was up to. She knew what I told her which wasn't an awful lot. She never knew when i had deadlines, what work I had to do, it was my responsibility as an adult to deal with it.

It doesn't just extend to graduations, I know parents who make their DC's come home with their books when they have essays due to make sure they do it.

I wonder if their parents will also go to work with them to ensure the same.

ilovesooty · 06/07/2011 00:16

I agree.

"I know parents who make their DC's come home with their books when they have essays due to make sure they do it."

So do I. Why won't they let them manage their own lives?

waitofevidence · 06/07/2011 00:24

Unfortunately the cotton wool swaddlers not only fail to understand the harm they do to their children, they often have underlying psychological reasons why they persist in behaving this way with their adult children.

It is their needs being met, not those of the students. It's actually quite worrying and rather sad and disappointing. I would like to see someone do some research into the outcomes for these young people.

waitofevidence · 06/07/2011 00:26

Oh and talking about being treated as customers is just a red herring.

Omigawd · 06/07/2011 00:31

"Oh and talking about being treated as customers is just a red herring."

True, but at £9k a pop they will feel triply justified to spin that line.

Tchootnika · 06/07/2011 00:35

waitofevidence - if only it was...
But in many ways, universities are run as businesses now, and students are treated as customers.

waitofevidence · 06/07/2011 00:39

Sadly, this is true also. It makes any attempt to address the real issues more difficult.

drcrab · 06/07/2011 00:41

I'm an academic and have done many open days. I don't have a problem with parents coming along to open days as quite a few of the students aren't very verbal at all. Or maybe it's a vicious cycle - mum and dad can speak for me so why should I speak up?

Parents shouldn't have the right to enquire on the children's behalf though. And we shouldn't have to speak to them to explain why Tristan's not been attending classes or got a zero for plagiarism!

waitofevidence · 06/07/2011 00:43

Tchootnika, I meant talking about parents as customers. In my view the whole idea of universities being businesses is sad too. Of course I am a dinosaur in that respect so my views probably don't count.

Tchootnika · 06/07/2011 00:44

Hmmm - is there not a contractual issue, though?
Parents foot bill, therefore are parties to contract, therefore feel that degree is their business (which in a very literal sense, it is...)

Original poster

giraffesCantZumba · 06/07/2011 00:46

I have never had so many replies on one thread.

OP posts:

waitofevidence · 06/07/2011 00:47

The point here is not who the customer is but whether it is detrimental personally, intellectually or psychologically for a student to have over-involved parents at this age.

proudfoot · 06/07/2011 00:48

I agree that a lot of students do seem more babied these days. This trend will probably continue and parents will use the increase in fees as an excuse for it. Parents saying if they have to "find 9k a year" for their DC's fees then they have a right to be involved really irritate me. They do not have to find this money at all - it is the student's loan to pay back when he/she is earning! Actually, as someone mentioned earlier in the thread, I don't think it's fair that the parents' income is taken into account when calculating the maintainence loan. Students should all have the same loan allowance irrespective of their parents' income. If the parents want to pay then that is their business and the student could decide not to take the loan.

A graduating student should not need any organisational help from the parents! It's not hard to fill in and return a form I find it a shame if students aged 18 - mid-20s cannot do basic things themselves. The parents haven't done them any favours. An old flatmate of mine in 2nd year had everything done for her by her family. Then when she went on her year abroad (compulsory as we did languages) she could not hack it and dropped out to go back to her parents! Maybe she would have coped better if she hadn't been totally babied up until that point...

With regard to open days, I can understand why parents do sometimes go along. As long as the ultimate decision is the student's, there is no problem with having a day out together and taking an interest. Mine didn't come with as I went to some with my sister and others with my boyfriend, but I did discuss my ideas and possible unis with them quite thoroughly as I was interested in their opinion. My mum was pushing for a different uni to the one I chose but she just let me get on with it as she rightly realised that it wasn't her decision.

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