to be shocked by parents of some university students

[giraffesCantZumba]

My friend works in the graduation office, this time of year is really busy for her so been working weekends/long hours etc. She was venting to me about this and says she gets 3/4 parents a day phoning trying to sort out their childs graduation for them! ANd become totally outraged when told that it is confidential and they can only deal with the student. When do the apron strings get cut?!

Often its because student has totally missed the deadline for paying graduation fees and they are outraged as their poor dc had no idea.

It used to be very common to go to university open days/interviews without parents. It was so common that 1 friend who was very over protected and desparate to have freedom from her parents was dropped off near the home town university by her parents.

Her parents wanted her to go to the home town university - she didn't. She pretended to go to her interview and then acted sad when she wasn't offered her a place. It didn't even occur to her parents that they could accompany her to her interview - they assumed they couldn't.

I do wonder the impact this over protection of young adults will have on our society.

Early 1990 - I was not the only one with parents there - but most days there were more without.

I not sure being so over protected did me personally much good - I hope to make my DC bit more independent but it so hard but they are still young which probably makes imagining things harder.

My ds is 17 and talking to parents of his mates etc virtually all plan to go to uni open days and interviews. Me included

Agree totally with the op. My ds went on an Oxford open day two years ago and the students could not get into the lecture theatre for the 'chat' . The speaker had to stand and request that parents left the room. Wrong wrong wrong. I don't think it's of any benefit to the children to be cosseted like this - it's selfish of the parents . Generations will grow up incapable of supporting themselves financially or maybe more importantly emotionally. Bad stuff happens in life and its a good lesson to learn .... not to always have mummy knocking on someone's door saying 'jonny wanted a first'
I forsee depression increasing amongst young adults if this continues

There are a number of different scenarios being talked through here - I just want to say that of course parents will want to go on open days and visits! Its got nothing to do with who's paying (well, a bit maybe) and more to do with helping someone you love to choose the right next stage of their lives!

I have one at uni and one just going and for all of the open days I've done (probably 15 or so) more than half of the kids had at least one parent with them. Its nothing to do with standing on their own two feet -its about having someone you trust help you make big decisions.

This is weird. I did open days in 1992 and no parents to be seen anywhere! Which is as it should be I think, unless there are special circs.

Fair enough to give your teen a lift to the university town, but for goodness sake drop them off and do some sight seeing rather than cramping their style!

kidsmom - My parents didn't go to open days/interviews with me. But of course they discussed with me where I was applying and why and advised on questions I might like to ask i.e. they guided me, but accepted that I was capable of going to open days/interviews myself.

OP Yanbu, probably why some people are still so immature these days in their 20s, they seem to think they are still a child as their parents still treat them as one. I find it a bit pathetic tbh, and I agree you don't need parents to look round uni open days either the student should be confident to do it themselves, as they are not a baby at that age

I'm currently reading English at Uni - I'm classed as a mature student at the ripe old age of 23 and sometimes I literally CANNOT believe the amount that some of the 19 y/o students let/make their parents do for them - One girl has her father helping her to do her work! I mean, I disagree with any parent helping any child with any work (I think if they cant do it their teacher should be able to pick up on it and help them properly) but seriously You're 19 FFS do it yourself! She has just fallen flat on her face though, her exam scores did not reflect her previous essays and she is now being investigated for plagirism ha

The best was when one of the lads was late to an exam "Well my Mum didn't wake me up in time" Errrr You don't have a phone with an alarm then?

My parents helped me out when I first started (5 years ago) with moving into the digs and getting my first shop but to be honest with you I couldn't get rid of them quick enough! I just wanted to be independent and run my own life [look at where that got me emoticon].

IMO a well adjusted adult that qualifies for a degree should be able to look after themselves by graduation through their experiences throughout uni - if they haven't when will they learn?

Having said all of that, if your all growed up PFB is too inconsiderate to book you a seat at their graduation, you would probably call and arrange it yourself rather than miss out.

My son chose his own courses choices, university choices and attended all the open days and all the interviews alone.
He was quite rude about the kids whose parents investigated everything, researched everything, filled in ucas forms and helicoptered the whole thing.

To be fair it has all changed and largely because parents want to know what they are paying for. DS1 went on his own-it was normal. DS3 went with us and it was normal-nearly everyone had at least one parent-some had siblings.

Universitities now cater for parents,it is the norm. They have talks and tours for parents and ones for students. They send hot drink vouchers for parents. It has changed, DS3 would have felt quite odd on his own whereas DS1 would have felt embarrassed with us there.

Well said fluffy. As an ex-academic, I despair about the number of ignorant comments people make with regards to university fees when the vast majority of people will not have a clue what HEFCE is or how it works?

I will be the same with my boys pagwatch if they end up going to University.

I had one dad ring me once because his daughter decided to drop out of her PhD (didn't tell me, just didn't show up and totally messed up my grant funding) and he wanted to know why and what I was going to do about it.

I felt like saying, if I see her again, I'll help her pack!

It isn't just that although I take your point. Parents are babying teenagers more than they ever used to.

Ds1is organising a holiday for half a dozen of his friends. It is at a place we own abroad.
He worked out everything -cheapest flights, sleeping arrangements, transport from airport to villa, food budget etc. Sent details to all attending plus list of maps, nearby facilities, emergency contacts etc etc. All his friends had to do was decide if they wanted to go or not and fund out if their parents would let them go.

I still had a parent phone me asking if it would be safe, what would i being doing to make sure his son didn't get drunk, do anything stupid etc etc.

x-posted
Yy chicletteeth.

I did open days in 1999 and can't remember parents either! Me and friends treated them as a boozy day out on the train

I work in student property and am often receive verbal abuse from parents about how I am taking advantage of their kids/children with our perfectly standard, legal and most common form of tenancy agreement. Then I am "ignoring" them because they are children and haven't resolved their maintenance issue (which the delightful child has never reported to me). I will deal with parents 80-90% of the time (as most of them are actually paying the rent these days) but if they get really rude/aggressive then I will use the data protection clause and point out that their child is an ADULT. Seriously, some of the parents are calling about "children" who are older than the staff . I had to point out to one mother than, no I wouldn't call for my child, and at the age of 27 I was actually the same age as her son, left home almost 10 years ago and held down a full time job without my mum calling the landlord/university/employer for me. I do sometimes like to embarrass the students by telling them in front of all their friends that their dad called

One mother told me I was rude and extremely unhelpful for suggesting her daughter stayed in the spare room for the night. Apparently I was an idiot for suggesting this as the room had not been aired, and for not knowing that the room had not been aired. I despair. WTF? I hung up after the ear-bashing I got for trying to help.

Rant over.... Think its time to google new careers before my maternity leave finishes....

I can understand parents going to open days with their children now IF their child doesn't want to feel left out by being the only one there without their parents.

But I do worry about the cosseting of young adults and how it will make it harder for them to be resilient to life's inevitable knocks.

We would have gone if he wanted us to.

I have told this before but when asked if we were not attending by other parents he said " no. I don't think they like me much"

I was asked recently at a school function why we didn't go
" because it is his choice and we trust him. After all he has to attend for 3 years and feel invested in the course. Not us"

When I went to university I was completely on my own. I had to support myself financially and make all the decisions regarding courses/accommodation etc alone. Tbh, I would have welcomed some parental involvement as I didn't really know what I was doing. I felt very alone and quite stressed by it all.

When my DC go to open days, I will be going with them so I can help them to make informed choices. As I will be coughing up for their education, I am going to voice my opinion. I could have done with the guidance at 18 and will make sure my DC don't feel as isolated and miserable as I did when I went away. If that makes me helicopterish then so be it.

Universities can't put their hands out for parent's cash on the one hand, then tell them to fuck off and mind their own business when the parent wants top know that their money is being well spent. Universities are going to have to adjust to being more accountable to the people actually paying them and that's often the parents.

That said, there is no excuse for being rude to university staff, and i do think there's a difference between parental involvement when you are 18/19 and parental involvement when you are 23.

Karma
I am not calling every parent who is interested in and supportive of their child helicopterish. Or are you actually going to tell your child what to study, which uni to apply to, which one to accept and complete all their ucas form?

Thank you fluffy and chicletteeth for sensible posts.

Karma, universities are not "putting their hands out for parents' cash", they have had their teaching grants decimated, to be replaced by loans taken out by the students themselves. I don't agree with the coalition policy on HE in any way, and have protested against it in various ways, but they have made it very clear that the student is the customer, and it is the student who pays back their loans in the future. They are not paying the fees up front. If you as a parent want to sub them up front, that's something you choose to do for your children (and of course it's a great bonus for them if you can afford this, which I hope they appreciate). It doesn't, however, make you the customer, and it doesn't justify parents expecting universities to breach the confidentiality of adults.

I might do

No, seriously, I will be very upfront with my opinion if I think they are making a choice which will not suit them long term or lead to employment. I probably will help out with the ucas form. The thing is it is so expensive to study now that a wrong move can lead to huge amounts of debt and no career. There's a lot to worry about.

Well I went with DS to Exeter and Bristol because I fancied a "jolly" in the West Country. He went to Durham and York on his own. He chose Durham in the end.