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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to keep my twins even though I am SP to 3 already

151 replies

Belini · 03/07/2011 09:59

I am single parent to 3 boys 12, 5, 4 and am pregnant with twins. I was booked for a termination after long discussions with parents they said they would support me in whatever decision I made. So I decided to continue with pregnancy. Now parents and sisters and friends all say they think I am making a mistake. AIBU to 1. Want to keep my twins and 2. Be annoyed that everyone said they would be supportive until I make a decision they don't like. Much thanks and please don't hold back honest advice needed xx

OP posts:
worraliberty · 03/07/2011 12:22

13??

Well it probably makes a difference to her parents I would say.

Perhaps they think they have definitely done more than their fair share of supporting her decisions when it comes to continuing her pregnancies.

Original poster
Belini · 03/07/2011 12:24

Yes I was raped and chose to keep my son we were both In foster care until I was 18 an ds was fiv. Xp has been in his life since then.

OP posts:
spookshowangel · 03/07/2011 12:25

well worra happily her parents cant force her to have an abortion, she is 26 now not 13 and more than old enough to make an informed decision.

spookshowangel · 03/07/2011 12:27

you dont have to justify your choices belini to anyone. sounds like you went through a horrible time as a child without much support from your parents so i can see why it would be important to you now.

worraliberty · 03/07/2011 12:28

Yes spooks but they haven't known about this for very long...perhaps they need time?

thefirstMrsDeVere · 03/07/2011 12:28

I am pro choice.
But I am pro the woman's choice not people who think she is stupid and selfish.

If the OP has chosen to keep these babies then it is not up to anyone else to tell her do to otherwise.
Any more than it would be ok for people to tell her NOT to terminate.

I have never understood the continued negativity after a descision has been made to keep a pregnanacy whatever the situation.

Once the choice is made it is time to look forward and sort things out.

Not all big famlies are full of neglected kids clutching broken toys and living on toast.
It takes organisation and yes the OP will need help and support for the first year especially.

Nothing wrong with a 12 year old doing housework. If I still had my DD I would curse all parents who sent their boys out into the world unable to use a washing machine or cook a meal.

Yeah yeah I know this is AIBU but perhaps practical suggestions would be the way to go here?

youarekidding · 03/07/2011 12:32

Can I ask why you remained in FC and not with your parents when you had DS1?

It seems to me

spookshowangel · 03/07/2011 12:33

worra is right they might just need some time, my dp mums response to the news that she was going to be a granny again was you have ruined your life. not exactly congratulations. we are hoping she will come around. in fact i know she will when the baby comes along it will be almost impossible for her not to.

asecretlemonadedrinker · 03/07/2011 12:42

YANBU. Given that sex is normal, and legal at 16, and contraception has not got a success rate of 100% (although you do imply you were careless), then unplanned pregnancy is a FACT. It happens. Do what you feel is right. Homestart may be an option you want to explore. Start planning now - who will have the DSs while you are in labour/any complications? Congratulations x

aliceliddell · 03/07/2011 12:58

Belini - I am completely pro-choice; you sound like you've made your choice - you want to have the twins. In that case, that's what you should do. If you terminate under all this pressure from people who imo should support you (your family, friends, exps) you will regret it. You are obviously under no illusions of what this will involve. Have you tried your local Surestart (if not closed by cuts) health visitor, Homestart scheme? Some of the comments on here are a bit Hmm, you didn't get yourself into this 'mess', you had help! If father of twins did not want kids, he should either use condoms or get the snip or not have piv sex. As for the idea you should only have kids you can aford, not rely on 'the taxpayer' - What??? Get an abortion because babies are too expensive? You can't be serious. This is why Gandhi, asked what he thought of western civilisation,said it would be a good idea. Raising 5 kids is hard work, we will all get the benefits of your work when your kids are care workers in our old folks home. They'll be paying tax for our old age pensions (if not abolished by then). Look into all sources of help and good luck.

diddl · 03/07/2011 13:05

i think it has been said, but unless it will directly affect your parents/sisters/friends, I don´t see what it has to do with them.

Of course they might have an opinion, but at the end of the day it is your decision.

Are they concerned that you won´t cope/will ask them for a lotof help/chidcare?

jugglingmug · 03/07/2011 13:18

When Dh first left, I had care of 3 DC and 2 DSC, Monday-Friday alone. Oldest was 9, and had 3 under 3. It was bloody hard work, mind numbingly exhausting and I couldnt have managed without some practical help from my DSis. She came 2 evenings a week to help get them all to bed and then we worked our way through the ironing together.

However, it was also great fun and I felt very proud of myself for managing. It got better once the youngest slept through. DSS's went back to their mum in Feb this year and tbh, it doesnt make a huge difference to the work load.

You can cope with this, if you want to, and if you ask for and accept help. Particularly if you have already managed with the horrific time you had with DS1.

Whereabouts in the country are you? I have noticed that help varies depending on where you live, but I'd start investigating what's available now.

superjobeespecs · 03/07/2011 13:26

its not like your youngest is still a baby he'll be starting reception this year would he not? that would free up some of your time into baby time / older kids IYSWIM? its not like you'll have all 5 of them all the time under your feet running you ragged. your age is nothing to do with it and i hope all goes well for you and your pregnancy :)

oohjarWhatsit · 03/07/2011 13:27

you made your decision based on what you wanted

so you have to live with the consequences of those choices

its not up to someone else to approve or disapprove, or support you or not

PrettyMeerkat · 03/07/2011 13:27

Why were you in foster care? Well done for coping at such a young age! I'm impressed!

worraliberty · 03/07/2011 13:29

If father of twins did not want kids, he should either use condoms or get the snip or not have piv sex

Equally if the Mother of the twins wasn't planning on them, she should have insisted on using contraception too.

As for condoms, well they can save lives so that would be up to both adults to make sure they have them and use them on a one night stand.

Riveninside · 03/07/2011 13:37

Older kids snould do the housework and learn their parents are not slaves. Thats why you end up with 18 yos who cannot cook, clean, plan a shopping budget and find themselves a bus stop. All my teens have cooked, made tea and done chores from 6 or so. All have helped with their youngest sibling. Thats how it should be.

Rhinestone · 03/07/2011 13:38

Well it's entirely your choice and no-one can tell you what to do. I am also so sorry to hear about the rape.

HOWEVER, I really think you need to showing some responsibility and avoiding unwanted pregnancies. Contraception is free on the NHS you know. You will soon be a single mother of 5 children. Think how much you're costing the taxpayer and think how you're limiting your life chances. To be honest I can understand why your parents are rather aghast.

Rhinestone · 03/07/2011 13:42

Sorry that sounded harsher than I intended. I just think you need to start being more careful and think about consequences - for your own good, for the good of your other children and for the good of society because your choices do impact in many different ways.

Riveninside · 03/07/2011 13:44

'think about how much yiu are costing the taxpayer' is an awful thing to say and makes me very uncomfortable. You could say that to anyone who gets sick or old or loses their job.

PrettyMeerkat · 03/07/2011 13:48

I think the tax payer thing is irrelevent in this case. She didn't do it on purpose, it was an accident, the same as if someone didn't mean to get sick or old.

Peachy · 03/07/2011 13:48

I actually think that cost to taxpayer (and we are taxpayers) is the last concern when considering a termination.

The taxpayer will not be there to pick up the pieces of an unwanted termination nor to make tea if a new mum struggles.

Short of strerilisation there isn;t 100% safe contraception even when used correctly. I have been lucky enough to never have a failure but that's all it is, luck.

PrettyMeerkat · 03/07/2011 13:49

Absolutely Peachy, can you imagine explaining to the older dcs when they are adults, that they would have had younger siblings but "well I really needed to consider the cost to the taxpayer"

mummytime · 03/07/2011 13:50

I suggest you look for people who will support you. Talk to your midwife and health visitor, see if they can suggest support that might be possible, especially as you'll have twins (trainee nursery nurses often do this). Maybe talk to Catholic charities.
Once you have decided to keep them, then a pro-life charity might be able to provide support.
But do get yourself sorted now. Get some counselling, ensure you do not have any more children.
You probably do need to talk to the CSA to get the father to help financially.

Rhinestone · 03/07/2011 13:51

Riven I did say sorry as my first post sounded harsher than I intended.

And no, I wouldn't say that to people who get sick, lose their job, have a child with special needs etc. I think the welfare state is a fabulous thing; it's there for all of us as none of us know what life is going to throw at us and it's a great collective insurance policy. I'm proud that we have it and that my taxes support people in time of genuine need that they couldn't see coming.

I get annoyed when people continuously make bad choices and have a cavalier attitude that 'society', i.e. taxpayers, will support them. Not least because it reduces the amount of money in the pot which could otherwise be used to be MORE generous towards the genuine. People like you for example.

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