AIBU to want to keep my twins even though I am SP to 3 already

[Belini]

I am single parent to 3 boys 12, 5, 4 and am pregnant with twins. I was booked for a termination after long discussions with parents they said they would support me in whatever decision I made. So I decided to continue with pregnancy. Now parents and sisters and friends all say they think I am making a mistake. AIBU to 1. Want to keep my twins and 2. Be annoyed that everyone said they would be supportive until I make a decision they don't like. Much thanks and please don't hold back honest advice needed xx

Maybe she means more responsibility for themselves. Start learning to help around the house etc. Nothing wrong with that.

Can't see a 5 and 4 year old being very responsible. I have a feeling the parents and sister do a lot of childcare already.

The oldest is 12. A 12 year old can learn to make their own bed and tidy up after themselves, help with a bit of easy (no chip pans!) dinner.

I was surprised that you, OP, were discussing this with your parents in the first place. If I were making such a big decision I wouldn't be having long discussions with my parents as it's non of their business really. Makes me wonder what sort of role they have in your life. I did wonder if you were very young but you have a 12 yo so can't be that young!

They might be being a bit negative about it all now, because (and they're probably right), having twins when you're already a single parent of 3 children is going to be a massive challenge.

BUT, once the twins come along, I bet that all of your family will instantly fall in love with them and want to be there for you and for them.

Congratulations.

bet the parents and sister are already providing a lot more than emotional support, which is why she discussed it with them.

'BUT, once the twins come along, I bet that all of your family will instantly fall in love with them and want to be there for you and for them.'

I really wouldn't wager too much on that. Depending on how much they're already involved in 'support', they may be at the end of their tether.

YANBU to want to keep the twins but as a lone parent I think you would be putting yourself under an awful lot of stress and pressure looking after 3 older DC and newborn twins.

I don't think I'd even think about it for a minute. I know my own limitations and I found one baby at a time overwhelming and I had DP.

Are you normally a relaxed easy-going person who feels that looking after 5DC alone would be a doddle? If so, I would say go for it but for me I know it would just be too much.

Good luck with your decision.

Maybe theya re willing Lache; if it were my sister then I would provide as much practical help as I could. And financially if I were able.

Maybe they are, the OP hasn't said.

Very sad that people think families shouldnt help out. The older kids will learn to be more i dependant which is a good thing.

Congratulations on your pregnancy OP. It will be tough but you will manage. Same situation happenend to a friend. Older kids and a twin oregnancy. She decided to keep them and they are now nearly three. Its hard work but she doesnt regret it and the older kids adore their siblings.

YANBU. Go for it, this is your decision to make, not theirs.

YANBU about your families response to not terminating your twins. They said they would support you in whatever decision you made and yet they went back on their words. Like I said above this is your decision and you shouldn't feel unreasonable!

Congratulations and I hope all goes well! :)

I am sorry that this is happening to you. It is always sad when pregnancy it a source of worry and stress.

Can you start looking for sources of practical support now? Do you have Homestart in your area. Have you spoken to your midwife and HV?

Its going to be hard because looking after two babies must be really hard going for a couple, let alone a singl parent.

Can you start preparing your other children to be slightly more independant? Get a routine in place now and get as much pre-organisation done during your pregnancy as you can.

Cooking for the freezer, getting the house as easy to look after as possible e.g de cluttering

I dont know what else to suggest. I hope your family do give you the support they promised.

I dont blame them for being worried though. I would be.

YANBU to want to keep your twins and YANBU to be annoyed with family withdrawing they're support after they'd offered it.

I became a single parent to 4DC useless OH who decided he did'nt want to be a Dad anymore.

I was offered a termination but I did'nt take that option and I'm so glad I did'nt.

4th born was DD,first girl for me and she is an amazing little person she's 8 now.

I went on to meet my now OH and we've had a little girl together,he is Dad to all 5DC and were getting married this august.

Your family are probably panicking about how your cope.People allways expect the worst but some single parents are better than two parents when it come's to raising children.

I coped fine,I worked,went to college and was Vice chair of Sure Start and managed to breast feed my 4th till she was nearly 2.

Good Luck and Congratulations on the pregnancy:)

You cant change your family, but I would review your "friends". True friends would support you whatever decision you make, and ultimately it can only be [your] decision please please please dont let what other people you know say affect your decision making, do what it right in your heart!

Sit down, calmly and think about it logically. Make a list of all of the reasons that you think they want you to terminate, think about them logically and then come up with a way around that problem, then share that with them.

YOU are not being unreasonable to expect support from your own family.

[Good luck whatever your decision may be]

Jessie

x

You say that the father of your existing children has contact with them - I think that one way for this to work is to step that up so he has a lot more responsibility for them. Is that possible? He is their parent, it is not unreasonable to expect him to do a great deal of the parenting, though it will be emotionally difficult to manage so they don't feel pushed out by the twins.

How can you be a single parent yet be expecting more children? There must be a man/men on the scene somewhere.

If you can afford to support five children financially yourself (ie not other tax payers paying), can meet the emotional needs of all five, have enough one to one time for them all and not expect the older ones to look after them, pick up the bulk of the housework then YANBU.

you will be fine op with or with out you family's support, the important thing here is that you want to keep your baby's. i found myself in a similar situation recently and there was no option no matter how the father took the news i was going to keep the baby and since i have not had a scan yet for all i know i could be carrying twins (however unlikely) and i have 3 already.
some people are more practically minded and some people are driven by their hearts in these sort of matters. you may well get people on here telling you how irresponsible you are and you need to clear up your mess and what not, but only you can know what is best for you and you family. i knew right away even through the panic and fear that having my baby was best for my family. you already know whats right for you. your just fighting with yourself over it either because of other peoples input or lack there of or because of your own worries.

I'm shocked that you are considering termination because you think it will be hard to cope as a SP with 5 kids! Yes, it will be hard but since you are obviously having doubts about the termination now, then I think you will regret it in the long term.
My mum had 5 kids under 5yrs old. Yes, it was chaos. My mum admits now that she didn't cope very well. The house was a tip, us younger ones wore hand-me-downs, there was no variety in our meals etc etc but we were happy. We learnt how to help out, we always had someone to play with and now we are older, family get togethers are great with so many cousins.
YANBU. Please don't terminate your twins. They will bring you lots of joy.

Support from family and friends should only ever be seen as a bonus, not a right / duty even if they have promised it. grandparents get old and sick, friends get new responsibilities/move away/have different things in their lives. rely on yourself and trust yourself to make the right decision. I do hope though whatever you decide you take some semi or permenant steps to make sure that you arent putting yourself in this position again. the stress isnt good for you the unborn babies or your children. I also hope that the father of the babies realises that he must have some input into their lives whether he wants to or not. don't let him off the hook they are his babies too. if you decide to go ahead and keep the babies then start getting some professional support now. speak to your gp health visitor and any local charities or groups. whatever you decide it isnt going to be easy either way - only you have to look yourself in the mirror every morning so consider it carefully and you will i am sure make the right choice. good luck.

they will get over it once the babies are here. they are probably just thinking you have your hands full already but will go all gooey when twins are here. you might be better getting support from multiples forums/local twins groups than parents/sister/friends.

i think i would find it very hard to terminate, it would make me really depressed.

YANBU on both counts.

BUT

"you will be fine op with or with out you family's support" - not sure how anyone can say this with confidence. I know several families locally with 5+ children. The only ones who aren't struggling hideously are the ones with both parents present. One of dd's friend is the oldest child of a single parent with 5 children - and her life is SO, SO tough. And that's with both grandparents helping out (her mum lives with her parents). The mum clearly finds it very, very hard meeting everyone's needs. It doesn't help that the grandparents aren't in great health themselves and are feeling very stressed with helping to carry the load of this big, fatherless family.

I think it's important to factor in the possibility of illness or disability when you are thinking - 'can I cope?'. In your parents and in your children. Twins are so often born early or have problems at birth. How would you cope OP if this happened? And even if you think 'I'll cope because I have to' (which is true) what impact would something like this have on your other children? There are so many people whose lives will be affected by the addition of two more children to your family.

I think you're fucking mad personally but I should try not to fall out with any of your family because you are going to need them. And if the father has a pulse and a job I'd be trying to get back with him for the first few years at least, he can't be that bad and even if he is i'd still consider it (violence or abusive aside).

YANBU to keep your twins (obviously)
YANBU to be annoyed that your family, having said they'd support you regardless of what you decided to do, are being critical that you've decided to continue the pregnancy.

I'd focus on all the stuff you can do in advance as people have suggested. If you don't already have a big freezer, get one in the autumn so that you can stock up on meals in advance. Freecycle is great if you don't have the cash. It's also a good place for cots if you've cleared out what you used for your older ones. You can put the word out to friends and I'm sure you'll get lots of hand me downs and keep your eyes peeled for NCT sales etc. If you have to double buy it's even more important to get value for money!

As you've said you have a good relationship with your DS's father, try to sort out some arrangement that will give you more support with childcare over the first couple of months. And I know you've said the father of the twins isn't interested, but he is equally responsible for them, so making sure he pays towards them from the start will help cover the costs eg of paying someone to get your younger two to and from school for a month or two. Now is the time to get in credit on the playdate/favour front, as you'll need to cash in around your due date.

Check out any support you might be able to get from sources outside your friends and family, either from surestart or other places like local churches. Not my bag at all, but there are 'pro-life' groups that say they provide practical help and support to mothers who consider abortion in circumstances like yours.

Hopefully, as your family see that you are commited to the pregnancy and being very practical and planning towards it, you will start to get the emotional support you need.

Wanted to add - more children always bring more joy. But all of us need to say 'I need to stop having children' at some point in order to protect the quality of life of our existing children. For all the stories of big happy families, there are plenty of families out there NOT coping well and under huge strain, because of a lack of money or poor support.

But maybe I'm being a bit partial here. I have three dc's and couldn't cope with another one. Mostly because of ds's special needs. Doesn't mean I don't sometime yearn for a baby and know I'd find it hard to terminate a pregnancy if I got pregnant again. But I would have an abortion. Even if I suspected it would leave me grief stricken. Because it would hugely compromise my other children's quality of life for me to have another child.

OP - do you have a colossal amount of energy and resilience? Are you a real 'super-mum'? Do you have a reasonable income and brilliant physical health?

I don't have any of these things (apart from the income) but if you do - well then it'll probably all be ok? If you lack any of these things... well, life could be just about to get A LOT harder for you, and consequently a lot harder for your existing children.

Happymumofone

'How can you be a single parent yet be expecting more children? There must be a man/men on the scene somewhere.

If you can afford to support five children financially yourself (ie not other tax payers paying)'

I think you may be lost. Perhaps you might be more comfortable here