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Original poster

To bad mouth DD's biological father to her...

146 replies

DarlingDuck · 02/07/2011 19:42

DD's biological father left us (returned to his home country) when she was 6 months old after being a complete cunt for 2 months. I spent the whole of my pregnancy alone as he went back to his country to try and earn some money when I was 2 month pregnant - and came back at 9 months with no money having spent it all. I was very young and have since learnt my lesson. he on the other hand didn't contact us for a year after leaving then went to prison for drug smuggling for 3 years. Once he was out he went on to have a child with another woman who he also left. He has had NO contact with DD despite me emailing him.

My DH wants to adopt DD (we have 2 more Ds's) but DD's biological father said no.... This was over a year ago and he STILL has made no attemot to contact her or me despite me encouraging it.

She has started asking hy he has never wanted to know her and I am getting sick of lying for him "oh he is too far away" and "he wasn;t ready to be a Dad" etc... please help!!!!!

OP posts:
LunarRose · 03/07/2011 12:14

IAAT - I think your daughter is very lucky to have a man who loves her as his own. Incidentaly studies have shown that your daughter will have no disadvantage for no having her biological dad in her life. It's a shame court systems and general opinion have not caught up with this yet.

Cocoflower · 03/07/2011 12:18

LunarRose do you have any links to any of those studies?

AmberLeaf · 03/07/2011 12:19

IAAT

You said you have prevented him from seeing her since she was 2.

Why did you do that? what was the basis of his contact with her prior to that point?

NotaDisneyMum · 03/07/2011 12:22

Lunar - in this case, the bioDad wants to give his daughter the chance to know him, but this is being denied her though; slightly different to the situations where the biodads choose not to be involved.

IAAT - I assume that you don't ask for child support from your DDs bioDad and that you and your DP are supporting her?

LunarRose · 03/07/2011 12:31

www.thelizlibrary.org/site-index/site-index-frame.html#soulwww.thelizlibrary.org/liz/017.htm

Trust me the bad Dads aren't always the ones who insist on being involved, my exh is very insistent of exercise his RIGHTS over our children

LunarRose · 03/07/2011 12:34

Yes it's american but it makes interesting reading

Kewcumber · 03/07/2011 12:35

If its at all helpful to have an adoptive parents input on how they talk about biological paretns... most adoptive paretns have a situation a good deal more extreme than the situation that most families with an absent paretn have to deal with. Most of them seem to manage to treat the fine line between being lying, being honest and being brutal reasonably well.

General advice (of course tehre are always exceptions depending on individual circumstances) is to be factual and straightforward. Most childrne do not need your assessment of his character, they can work it out for themselves and you need to be very careful about placing value judgements on him for fear a child might extrapolate that to themselves (given that they share a significant proportion of his DNA!)

Standard explanation is often "some people can only look after themselves". It can really be that straightforward.

She knows how a good father behaves - she has one as a role model for how good men behave - she doesn't need it hammered home to her that her biological father was "silly" or any other adjective. Then just respond to what she asks not what you imagine she might want to know.

I also speak as an adult with an absent fatehr and know how difficult it is having a mother judging your father (however feckless he is and however deserved it was)

Cocoflower · 03/07/2011 12:35

Thank you Luna I have suspected this all along in my case. I cant see what possible benefit he would bring. Its ridiculous courts assume there in some inherent benefit 'just because'.

Its clearly time for family law to be reviewed. Hopefully they take studies into account if they ever do.

IAmATroglodyte · 03/07/2011 12:40

DisneyMum of course. I am SAHM and my DP works full time. Between his salary and my benefits we are comfortable. Ex tried to get CSA involved but he is unemployed so I would have got £5 a week out of it, which is worth about as much as he is to DD. We dont need his money, she is our DD and we can raise her without his assistance. She doesn't know him.

amberleaf amongst other things he had a fight with my DP in front of DD. He knew DP was angry because of him but he came and goaded him anyway and left marks on him. I stopped contact after that because I don't trust him with DD. She was staying with him once a week before that. It's hardly a loss though, she forgot him quick enough.

LunarRose · 03/07/2011 12:41

Yes it is absolutely what us women with seriously shitty ex's have known all along, wont help in when I'm next in court (thursday) but at least I know that my gut instinct is actually right.

Cocoflower · 03/07/2011 12:43

Good luck Lunar I hope it goes ok and you get a good judge.

Rockerchic · 03/07/2011 12:45

My mom never bad mouthed my real father I made up my opinion of him when he was older,hes a spineless piece of shit,he would not allow my DF to adopt me so I changed my surname to my DF. I don't have anything to do with real father as hes never bothered with me or my siblings,my mom did not have to say anything,his actions spelt it out. I have a wonderful DF and hes a great father and a wonderful grandpa to my DD,my real father gave up that right.
When your DD is older she will realise this.
I hope it works out.

AmberLeaf · 03/07/2011 13:19

IAAT Sounds like a mess of a situation and poor behavior on the part of you adults, what a shame-why was your DP angry with him?

You do realise that when your daughter is older and if she has contact with her father he will say to her that it was you that stopped contact leaving him looking like the wronged party.

AmberLeaf · 03/07/2011 13:19

Really good post Kewcumber

unpa1dcar3r · 03/07/2011 13:29

I'm with Dog and Trog on this. As I said before I was always honest with my girls. What's the point of pretending. That makes me a liar and a cheat. They don't need two parents to do that to them, bad enough one doing it!

They need to know they can rely on at least one parent to tell the truth and be there for them.
I've always taught my girls to be truthful, how can I say this if I'm then lying and pretending their fathers are ok guys really but...that's just double standards.

And that IMO is worse than honesty.

My two made their own minds up, the youngest at a very early age cos that's what she's like- same now, don't suffer fools gladly, hits 1st asks questions later. She was the same at age 6 when she decided he was a w*nker. Took longer with the eldest has she has a more complacent nature but she got there and she's bloody amazing considering what he put her through too.

Kids are very resilient, more than we often give them credit for. Your little one will be fine Duck as long as you're honest. Avoid sounding bitter but tell the truth. She'll thank you for it in the long run hon.

NotaDisneyMum · 03/07/2011 17:04

Trog - won't the changes in the child support system mean that your benefits will stop unless you accept CSA involvement? Ironic that absent non-paying dads are being slated in the press when some are excluded no matter what Sad
I can understand why you're concerned if her bioD has been violent - but I'm pretty sure he'd get supervised visitation ordered by the court - and if SS are involved, you won't get much of an option to withhold her from seeing him in this way ; they often do it on school premises where I live.
I hope you've got a good solicitor if you plan on fighting him in court - there are a lot of (particularly female) magistrates who are starting to recognise that absent dads are not always absent through choice Sad

As for changing the law - Children currently have a legal right to a relationship with both parents (and parents have a responsibility to maintain it) - I hope that the law never takes that right away from them Sad

Cocoflower · 03/07/2011 17:14

Children are being denied the right to be protected from dangerous parents.

DogsBestFriend · 03/07/2011 17:21

"Children are being denied the right to be protected from dangerous parents."

HALLELUJAH!

At last! The voice of common sense and reason. Well said Cocoflower.

LunarRose · 03/07/2011 18:06

NotaDisneyMum- Ahh now I understand. No from experience I can say unless the case is cast iron in terms of violence they will not order supervision, even when the violence alledged is against one of the children. In fact because of resources involved it is very hard to get supervision ordered. Incidentally I know of one case (not mine) where the Dad is still forbidden from being able to keep an animal because he was too violent, but has (through the courts and ss) worked up over the course of a year to unsupervised access to the children.

So yes I quite agree with Coco

Incidentally my ex was uneamployed for a year and the CSA failed to collect anything

NotaDisneyMum · 03/07/2011 18:09

Withholding unsupervised contact due to safety fears is one thing; doing so because the resident parent has a low opinion of the other parent is another.

Telling a 4 year old that her father is a shithead in order to influence her opinion of her bioDad is not the same as protecting her from potential harm by a violent man.

LunarRose · 03/07/2011 18:10

NotaDisneyMum- Ahh now I understand. No from experience I can say unless the case is cast iron in terms of violence they will not order supervision, even when the violence alledged is against one of the children. In fact because of resources involved it is very hard to get supervision ordered. Incidentally I know of one case (not mine) where the Dad is still forbidden from being able to keep an animal because he was too violent, but has (through the courts and ss) worked up over the course of a year to unsupervised access to the children.

So yes I quite agree with Coco

Incidentally my ex was uneamployed for a year and the CSA failed to collect anything

LunarRose · 03/07/2011 18:10

sorry somehow double posted

LunarRose · 03/07/2011 18:12

supposedly unemployed

Cocoflower · 03/07/2011 18:16

The problem is NADM;

Is that the violent parent can drag the other through court and the court awards access on the violent partner word he will change

As Luna said unless there is absolute evidence of violence but ONLY towards the child they will get in granted. There can be clear cut case of violence agaisnt the mother but that will not count.

The violent will get countless chances unless they are proven to do somethinf harmful specifcally to their own child.

There is no protection until it is too late.

Get this- if the RP goes agaisnt the court and still stops contact due to not wanting to place her/his child in a high risk situation she can face prison

If the violent NRP doesnt turn up there is no penalty at all.

The system is a mess.

Original poster
DarlingDuck · 03/07/2011 18:22

I know of a woman who had to DD's with a man she separated from after the daughters claimed he'd sexually abused them. He was still allowed supervised visits to see them even after they'd point blank said they didn't want to see him.

OP posts: