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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To bad mouth DD's biological father to her...

146 replies

DarlingDuck · 02/07/2011 19:42

DD's biological father left us (returned to his home country) when she was 6 months old after being a complete cunt for 2 months. I spent the whole of my pregnancy alone as he went back to his country to try and earn some money when I was 2 month pregnant - and came back at 9 months with no money having spent it all. I was very young and have since learnt my lesson. he on the other hand didn't contact us for a year after leaving then went to prison for drug smuggling for 3 years. Once he was out he went on to have a child with another woman who he also left. He has had NO contact with DD despite me emailing him.

My DH wants to adopt DD (we have 2 more Ds's) but DD's biological father said no.... This was over a year ago and he STILL has made no attemot to contact her or me despite me encouraging it.

She has started asking hy he has never wanted to know her and I am getting sick of lying for him "oh he is too far away" and "he wasn;t ready to be a Dad" etc... please help!!!!!

OP posts:
Cocoflower · 02/07/2011 20:57

Its very hard, Im in a very similar postion.

In all honestly I would love to tell her what a shit he is BUT thats not going to do dc any good as I dont want her to be scared of him when she is forced to see and I dont want her on some level to think she must be just as bad if she is part of him.

I would bite your tounge for the sake off your dd its best for her.

Original poster
DarlingDuck · 02/07/2011 21:01

Cocoflower but is it best for her? I'm not saying I would 'bad mouth' him, perhaps that is too strong a phrase, I wouldn't even tell her the entire truth until I felt she was old enough to understand, but I also don't see that making him sound better than he is is benefiting her in any way, I see it as only benefiting him if anything.

OP posts:
Cocoflower · 02/07/2011 21:06

I dont think you have to make him sound better. You arent benefitting him, ultimatley its your dc as it keeps things simple for her.

I would just say keep every comment very neutral and as short as possible.

Make sure she knows every time he is bought up how much you love her.

My dc is a little younger than yours but if I told her the whole truth of him I think it would be damaging.

Though when she is a teenager I dont know know what I will say, I hope she just comes to realise he is not worthy of her....

Original poster
DarlingDuck · 02/07/2011 21:10

But is it more damaging to have always known something and dealt with it as a fact of life or more damaging to find something out later on which could potentially shake your foundations??

OP posts:
Thingumy · 02/07/2011 21:13

she's only 6 DD.

What do you actually want to say to her about him?

TheSecondComing · 02/07/2011 21:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thefirstMrsDeVere · 02/07/2011 21:16

Its hard. I have an adopted son so I know how hard it is.
You have to tell the truth but in a way that doesnt make your DD feel she is tainted by having a 'bad' parent.

You cannot lie to her but you need to be gentle when you tell her the truth. You do need to take a step back and really get right in your head what IS the truth even if you feel like telling her he is a total wanker.

I know thats not helpful but I do sympathise. Its an ongoing issue with me and my lovely DS. How to explain why he is not with his birth mum without making him feel ashamed of who he is and where he came from.

Perhaps you could get some advice from adoption resources? I know its not your exact situation but it is something that adoptive parents have to tackle.

DogsBestFriend · 02/07/2011 21:16

This theory that a child will think that they are bad for being a part of a feckless estranged father (or mother for that matter)... where does it originate from? Yes, it's a theory but is there any proof, apart from anecdotal evidence which I could counter with my own, that it's a strong possibility?

I'm not trying to be bloody-minded (for once), I just can't see the likelihood of it happening anything like as much as is often claimed. IME and that of the others I know who feel as I do or whose parents have spoken as I do (yes, anecdote alert!) feeling bad for being a part of such a parent has just not occurred.

floosiemcwoosie · 02/07/2011 21:17

I think the priority is to make she understands that it isnt her fault. Children are very quick to blame themselves.

Can you explain to her that there can be two different type of dads. One that made her and one that looks after and loves her and more importantly has choosen to be her father.

I hope you find a way through it and persue the adoption.

Original poster
DarlingDuck · 02/07/2011 21:17

Rather than "he's just lives so far away" and "He wasn't ready to be a daddy but (DH) was and wanted to be your Daddy" which often leaves her asking "but why doesn't he want to see me?" I feel like saying "Because he's a silly man and is just thinking about himself and not thinking about other people but your mummy and daddy do and will always be your mummy and daddy"

OP posts:
Thingumy · 02/07/2011 21:19

she won't understand 'silly man' and will ask why he silly surely?

Thingumy · 02/07/2011 21:19

*is

Original poster
DarlingDuck · 02/07/2011 21:20

He's silly for not contacing her, I want her to know that his behaviour is not OK and I am in no way condoning his actions/behaviour.

OP posts:
BrianAndHisBalls · 02/07/2011 21:32

In a very similar situation here, my dd is 6 too and does see exh but only every 5 weeks or so. She wants to see him more often but he won't come up because he says he can't afford the petrol (he could, easily, he just chooses to spend the money on drinking/smoking/xbox games).

I tried not to say anything bad at all but she kept asking me why he didn't come up more and asking me to ask him to (which I did obviously but he just said no). Eventually I told her that he couldn't afford the petrol. She asked why not (she knows he works and has money) and I said he spends the money on other things. When she asked why (one question usually leads to many more I think in this situation) I said I simply didnt know and that people made choices on how to spend their money etc.

She finally said 'I love daddy, mummy, but I don't like his behaviour!'

Not sure what my point is here.... I think all the lying I'd done about him being 'busy' etc and 'far away' had just given her the 'gap' to put herself into as the reason he wasn't coming and that actually a fairly filtered and child friendly version of the truth has hopefully put that to bed.

Pagwatch · 02/07/2011 21:41

But...but...(I realise I am being a pain in the arse) you are 'justifying' his behaviour as if it is silliness. She may ask why but you don't really know. You think you know - he is a cunt, a loser etc but actually don't know. I suspect you are right but that is not the point
All you are doing is giving her your judgement of his actions.
I am not sure that is wise.
It requires her to agree with you or not.

If you just explain what has happened -he is able to visit but does not- you escape that pitfall

Original poster
DarlingDuck · 02/07/2011 21:56

Pagwatch - I don't think you're being a pain in the arse, it's good to hear opinions.....But she will blame herself if I say he could visit but choese not to. I think we pass our own judgements onto our children with a lot of things and sometimes it can be a good thing. I don't think a 'judgment' always consitutes a daily mail bigot style condemning.

OP posts:
WhoWhoWhoWho · 02/07/2011 22:06

This is a really hard situation, I'm in it myself and have spent the entire evening biting my tongue instead of saying

"Look, I'm sorry DS but daddy cannot take you camping because he will be drinking until he's out of it and I'm worried something awful would happen to you as he wouldn't look after you, or put your needs first". "Oh and by the way daddy knows this is why you can't go camping with him and he isn't that fussed, he'd rather enjoy himself in a field full of like minded pissheads than stay sober and take his little boy camping somehwere safe and fun" Angry

OP I have lots of sympathy, and empathy for you.

My DS answers with another question too. [sigh]

amicissima · 02/07/2011 22:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
DarlingDuck · 02/07/2011 22:19

amicissima - although he is her biological father, her real daddy has been her daddy since she was a year old. He's an amazing father and they mean everything to each other.

OP posts:
amicissima · 02/07/2011 22:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

worraliberty · 02/07/2011 22:22

No matter what you say to her, she won't know he's a twat until she finds out for herself when she's old enough.

That's just the way it works I'm afraid.

If you bad mouth him when she's little and she meets him when she's older...suddenly he wont seem that bad, or at least not as bad as the picture you painted.

But eventually she'll find out for herself and all you can do is be there to pick up the pieces I'm afraid.

You say you were 'very young and have since learnt your lesson'...but at the end of the day you chose her Daddy for her and that's something you'll have to live with I'm afraid.

Bad mouthing him will only cause her to resent you in the end.

duchesse · 02/07/2011 22:30

In short, yes YABU. She will feel your comments as a criticism of her, it's inevitable. She is 50% him after all.

I think you are going to have to continue to be very very bland about her father when she asks. I 'm assuming she's about 10-11 now? The age you'd expect her to start asking these questions. It's the indifference she will find most incomprehensible, and that's very hard to explain away to a child. You could go all American on her and say that he made some very bad choices in life and isn't able to be around, and considering answering her questions if she asks more.

Tough call but you can't say anything too bad about him to her however tempting it may be.

spookshowangel · 02/07/2011 22:37

is he on the birth cert?

exoticfruits · 02/07/2011 22:44

You need to explain in a kind way-she will work it out for herself eventually. I agree with duchesse, she is 50% him- so bad mouthing him tells her that there is a half of her that you don't like. It is OK for you, you are not a blood relative, but she is.

ChocolateBananas · 02/07/2011 22:59

When i was young my dad left 4children behind and moved away, from 3mothers!, he didnt want to know one of them and the other lived further away. We saw him once a year if we were lucky, my mum never bad mouthed him for it infront of me and my younger sister, wereas my grandparents had a lot to say about him and it really upset me and my younger sibling. My dad treated women like shit but my mum never told us about it untill i asked why they split when i got older, she never lied about it, she kept some things quiet, i soon found out when i saw some of his bits on the side on a night out. He now has more children and is married to a woman who treats him like shit! I speak to him more often now, i still think he is a prick for the way he has treated women.
My mum told us my dad got a better job working in another country and he went along with it. However, im glad my mum told me the truth when i asked, I was very upset, but she told me when i was older so i understood, if she had told me when i was younger i wouldve hatedher for telling me, my dad was my most favourite person in the world! after 100s of let downs and bad phone calls i'd had enough, i love my mum and her dh, hes brought me up from the age of 7/8 i have a lot of respect for them both, if she was my dd i would tell her what he is like without telling her everything, or tell him i will if he doesnt shape up! im sure in the future she will understand, i know how upset i was but i got over it when i fully realised what he was like when i tried to talk to him... I speak to him now, but it is only because I make an effort to, he doesnt! :(

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