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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To bad mouth DD's biological father to her...

146 replies

DarlingDuck · 02/07/2011 19:42

DD's biological father left us (returned to his home country) when she was 6 months old after being a complete cunt for 2 months. I spent the whole of my pregnancy alone as he went back to his country to try and earn some money when I was 2 month pregnant - and came back at 9 months with no money having spent it all. I was very young and have since learnt my lesson. he on the other hand didn't contact us for a year after leaving then went to prison for drug smuggling for 3 years. Once he was out he went on to have a child with another woman who he also left. He has had NO contact with DD despite me emailing him.

My DH wants to adopt DD (we have 2 more Ds's) but DD's biological father said no.... This was over a year ago and he STILL has made no attemot to contact her or me despite me encouraging it.

She has started asking hy he has never wanted to know her and I am getting sick of lying for him "oh he is too far away" and "he wasn;t ready to be a Dad" etc... please help!!!!!

OP posts:
Bandwithering · 03/07/2011 11:25

I think when she looks back, it'll still mean a lot to her that your husband intended to adopt her. THAT is the part that speaks the loudest really. The fact that the adoption wasn't successful is unfortunate. Your dd will figure out the truth.

I am only human and occasionally the odd sarcastic comment slips out of my mouth. And that is with me TRYING not to diss their father. The best I can manage is that 95% of the time I manage it, ykwim?

Cocoflower · 03/07/2011 11:26

It really is a hard thing to balance without inadvertly messing your kid up.

I think dc is very lucky and blessed in the fact she has an amazing step father so fortunately she has a strong role model and a father who truly, truly loves her.

Right now she is not overly concerned with her biological dad but questions will come one day. How does anyone balance telling the truth without bodering onto 'bad mouthing' or even PAS is a very hard line to walk.

How do you prepare them and not overwhelm them at the same time? Its hard.

Longtalljosie · 03/07/2011 11:26

I saw the film Changeling recently and at the start the (real) son asked the mother why his father wasn't around and she gave a lovely reply - something like along with him had come another thing called responsibility and it was that he didn't like, and had run away from.

DogsBestFriend · 03/07/2011 11:26

For the record, my own ex-husband was a violent, manmipulative, lying bastard who has done sweet FA for my children, who are now aged 16 and 14. I've made no secret of his behaviour to my girls... I'm buggered if I'm getting the blame because he doesn't WANT to see them or because he doesn't provide for their food and clothing or because he simply isn't there. I'm equally buggered if I'll set my daughters the example that we should in some way cover up and hide the actions of a violent man or that we should by our not mentioning it tacitly condone his feckless neglect of his children. Moreover I'm buggered if I'll join him in some sort of a conspiracy to re-write history and paint him as the not-so-bad-guy-really and then see my daughters fall apart when the chit hits the fan and they discover what he's really like.

The result - 14 yo hates him with a passion and is, understandably, upset and incredulous that a man can treat his own children as wanker the ex treats them. She'd slam the door in his face IF he ever bothered to visit her.

16 yo is very sweet to him.

She will meet him, take the £30 16th birthday present, smile, say all the right things and then close the door gently.

Then she looks at me, says, "Take the money and smile" then, as he's in the car with the music blaring and out of earshot yells at the top of her voice "WANKER!"

NotaDisneyMum · 03/07/2011 11:28

IAAT - i hope it works out when your DD gets older; it's a lot harder to withhold contact when a child is 14 than 4 Sad and she may want to find out for herself!

I understand where you are coming from, it would be great not to have to deal with DDs father and have him just disappear - but it's very unusual for a child not to be interested in their bioparents as they get older, and despite his behaviour and faults, she benefits from having him, and his family in her life.

How do you deal with questions about your medical history and so on? As you don't know any details your own paternal side, then it must be quite a worry?

Original poster
DarlingDuck · 03/07/2011 11:30

Can I just add it's not his dodgy dealings or the fact our own relationship broke down that bothers me, I wouldn't feel it approprite to discuss either of these things withDD until she's an adult.

It is simply the fact he has never been there for her, never supported her or even contacted to see how she is. I feel that she needs to know this is wrong and an unacceptable way for a father to behave and that it is not her fault

OP posts:
AmberLeaf · 03/07/2011 11:33

IAAT

Its actually not so bizare an idea that she will feel bad you know, she is half him and when she hears you slagging him off she will wonder if you hate her as much too. children are funny little things like that, its very easy for them to take things as being their fault.

Cocoflower · 03/07/2011 11:34

What does annoy me is that dc's father sees her maybe twice a year. He pays no money. Not a penny. He left us homeless.

Yet when he does turn up it always with a stack of plastic tat as presents. How fabulous for him to paint himself as some sort of heroic santa claus bearing gifts.

So to a a small child he seems so perfect. The good cop who's only role is to give her toys.

Its smacks of manipulation.

Original poster
DarlingDuck · 03/07/2011 11:35

We could have proceeded with the adoption even without his consent but felt it would be better to hold off until she is old enough to be part of the process and not feel it was done behind her back without her bio dads consent

OP posts:
Original poster
DarlingDuck · 03/07/2011 11:36

Cocoflower - absolutely

OP posts:
DogsBestFriend · 03/07/2011 11:37

"IAAT Its actually not so bizare an idea that she will feel bad you know, she is half him and when she hears you slagging him off she will wonder if you hate her as much too."

Yeah, right. Just like my daughters do. Hmm

Cocoflower · 03/07/2011 11:37

Darlingduck If you dont mind I would love you to PM me in the future to how the adoption goes. I would love to DH to adopt DC one day.

IAmATroglodyte · 03/07/2011 11:46

DisneyMum I don't worry about medical history. My dad hung around my mother long enough to know what I need to and the spermdonor's medical history is non existent. He's always been in good health more's the pity. If something does come up I will ask him through solicitors, he will jump to tell us because he is a fool and will think it's 'information' about my daughter to know if its a concern. When she's 14 she'll feel the same way about him that dogsbestfriends daughters do, that he is wanker. Because, as DBF has, I will let her know exactly what he is.

AmberLeaf She doesn't hear me slagging him off, he is never mentioned in our household - she doesn't know him, she calls my DP dad.

AmberLeaf · 03/07/2011 11:51

DogsBestFriend

Your daughters are 14 and 16 still children, I bet if your daughters were able to talk frankly with someone other than you [as they know what will please you] they may have more to say than you think. EVEN if your ex is a wanker!

AmberLeaf · 03/07/2011 11:52

IAAT but you have said you will tell her what a shit he is if he gets access?

IAmATroglodyte · 03/07/2011 11:57

We never mention him now because she doesn't remember him and thinks DD2's dad is her dad. I don't intend to tell her he isn't. If the spermdonor gets contact the yes I will make sure she knows what a shitbag he is so she is never disappointed by him. If I don't, everyone in mine and DPs families will as they all know what a twat he is.

AmberLeaf · 03/07/2011 11:58

IAAT I feel very sorry for your daughter. regardless of how much of a 'shitbag' her 'spermdonor' is.

DogsBestFriend · 03/07/2011 12:05

AmberLeaf

"I bet if your daughters were able to talk frankly with someone other than you [as they know what will please you] they may have more to say than you think. EVEN if your ex is a wanker!"

There is no "IF" or "ABLE" about it. Hmm My DDs DO taklk frankly with people other than me, with no expectation of it getting back to me. They say that their father is a wanker.

And there's no "EVEN IF" about that either. Hmm

Please don't try to make out that my daughters are subjugated and/or stupid enough not to be able to think for themselves but only able to fearfully respond as I might want them to. That's an insult to their intelligence.

I haven't made up their minds for them. I have just presented them with the truth. They drew their own conclusions.

IAmATroglodyte · 03/07/2011 12:07

And why is that exactly? There's no reason to feel sorry for her, she's very happy. She has her own room in a nice house in a lovely village, surrounded by family who love her. She has a Little sister and a wonderful father figure who she knows as her dad.CID her biodad really loves about her like he says he does he would leave us the fuck alone let her enjoy her happy life without complicating things and causing tension by insisting on seeing her. He can't see what's he's doing is selfish.

Longtalljosie · 03/07/2011 12:08

IAAT - how would you feel if your daughter's father had residency and took the same attitude about you seeing her?

IAmATroglodyte · 03/07/2011 12:09

That should have said if her biodad...

Cocoflower · 03/07/2011 12:09

Amber life shouldnt be feeling sorry for them because of what a shitbag he is?

IAmATroglodyte · 03/07/2011 12:10

He would never get residency, she lives with me.

LunarRose · 03/07/2011 12:11

Also please don't believe the shit about "you chose to have a child with him", sometimes you don't chose.

I my case I chose to have a child with a responsible man who i thought would always be there fore me....

I actually had 2 children with a compulsive liar who ran up extensive debts behind my back and when the shit hit the fan disappeared to leave me to deal with the mess.

I all honesty I wish that he had permanently left us to it, it would be better than the mess he's making of things now he does have contact.

NotaDisneyMum · 03/07/2011 12:11

IAAT - presumably his actions since your DD was conceived have led to your opinion of her biofather - if he is awarded contact (didn't you day he had applied through the court ?) why not just tell your DD the truth about what he has done ( in an age appropriate way) and trust her to make her own mind up?
If he's really that awful and you've given her a good moral upbringing - then she will draw her own conclusions without the need for you to offload the labels and opinions you have of him onto her. Wink
She doesn't have to think the same way as you do about him - but she may well decide the same thing for herself if she's given the freedom to work it outSmile

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