for having words with MIL today?

[IwishIwasmoreorganised]

Today was ds's class assembly. He is in reception and it was a joint assembly with nursery. He goes to an old, small school (1 class per year) with a small school hall.

Parents of the nursery children are invited to attend the morning or afternoon assembly depending on which session their child attends. Reception childrens parents are split 50/50 for attendance at the morning and afternoon assemblies. After mass attendance by parents, grandparents, Uncle Tom Cobley and all at the Christmas assemblies we were asked (school said for Health and Safety reasons) to limit attendance to 2 people per child.

DH was able to come today so that was our 2 - me and him, and so we didn't even tell MIL about it. Anyway, we saw her earlier in the week and DS mentioned that his class assembly was today. We explained that as DH was coming she wouldn't be able to come. DS mentioned that he was doing it in the afternoon aswell but we explained that we had only been invited to attend the morning performance.

Anyway (well done if you've got this far!), MIL took it upon herself to go to the afternoon performance and then take DS home with her following the assembly (1 1/4 hours early) as the teachers had said that parents could take their childen home at that point if they wished, she said in her text to me that school had finfished early (which it hadn't!). DS would normally be collected by his CM today.

I am not only cross with MIL for seemingly going behind our backs and attending this afternoons performance (knowing that we were going this morning), but also taking DS out of school early. When she brought DS home I have told her all of this. DH seems to think that I have over reacted.

I'm also concerned that the school let DS go with her, knowing that his CM should be collecting him and without me letting them know that today should be any different to normal but that'a nother matter to be sorted out on Monday!

AIBU to have had words with MIL?

Mountains and molehills springs to mind. Sounds to me like the OP has a bit of a problem with her MIL, MIL sent her a text to tell her that she had her DS, really can't see the problem TBH.

Blimey - this is still going on!

Lots of questions to respond to. I'm sure I'll miss some!

Yes. MIL has been to assemblies before when DH hasn't been able to so she knows how it operates. Nursery childrens parents attend am or pm depending on when their children attend, reception parents are split 50/50 to avoid overcrowding. I didn't ask the school if we could have extra places, I just respected their request of 2 people per child.

There's a couple of rows of chairs, then standing room only at the back and sides so no actual limit in terms of numbers, only how squashed people visiting are willing to be!

Yes we did have to pay the CM.

She is down as an emergency contact. We don't have a list of people allowed to collect our DC, but school have it in writing which days CM collects DS and which days I do.

I just wish she'd asked DH or me before taking him out of school early without our knowledge. I feel very let down, but certainy won't be having a major blowout with anybody.

The school perhaps can learn a lesson from this....whilst some people would not think twice about this, it clearly upset you and the fact is that they should have made sure it was ok.

I think the school needs to be more careful - although if they know MIL is your ds's Granny, and she is on the list of emergency contacts, I can see why it happened.

I also think you are being a bit hard on MIL - yes, it's irritating she went behind your back, but she did text you to let you know she'd taken ds home early as did the other people who attended the performance. I'm sure ds enjoyed having someone there in the afternoon and going home early with Granny. She only went behind your backs because you were a bit mean about stopping her seeing the play. There clearly wasn't a real problem with one extra person at the afternoon performance, was there?

You may find MIL irritating but she is your son's grandmother. It is A Good Thing if she cares about him and wants to spend time with him. Try not to be mean to her.

Well, having read all of the posts I suggest you chalk this one up to experience and buy your MIL a big bunch of flowers.

Quite honestly, I think you were acting very oddly in excluding her from the school performance. If the assembly isn't ticketed then clearly it isn't that much of an issue for the school, and I think the more people that are involved in a child's education, the better.

She wouldn't have been able to take him out of school early unless the school were happy for this to happen. There is nothing wrong with a child going home with his grandparent unless exceptionally, circumstances prevent that child spending time with his grandparents.

This thread makes me sad. It makes me sad because you've got the hump over a caring grandmother spending time with her grandson. My sons love spending time with their grandparents, and it doesn't mean they love me less. It isn't the end of the world that he missed a bit of school, but all you needed to do was ask her to let you know next time.

If the school specifies 2 adults per child then that is what should happen what if everyone brought one extra person and why stop at just a grandmother what if grandads uncles aunts wanted to come where do you draw the one?

Oh that's right 2 per child to bring extra is just rude and disrespectful.

Draw the line

Okay.
Whether it is Standing Room Only or not, schools have a limit they have to stick to regarding numbers of people in school halls. It is a health and safety issue, and if they flout the rules and there was a fire there would be hell to pay.
That's why most schools have a ticket system for performances now. And it's only fair to limit the numbers per family.
Schools also have a policy regarding the collection of children after school. It doesn't matter who is collecting, if the school doesn't have explicit instructions from the parent they are in the wrong.

TheMitfordsMaid - the point isn't that the GM felt excluded, that's irrelevant. The school said a limit of 2 people, that's the limit they imposed, not the OP. It wasn't her deliberately trying to make her MIL feel left out. It was the MIL who went behind her son and daughter in law's backs to see the performance (if she wasn't going behind their backs why didn't she tell them?) and then removed their child from school without telling them.

I'm sorry, but I do not agree with that no matter what. If she wanted to take him out of school she should have contacted his parents, said that she had been a bit cheeky and had attended the afternoon performance (and my, how well he did!) Now that she was there, was it okay for her to take him home early as a lot of other children are doing this, and he would like to spend the afternoon with her. Problem solved. If she was worried about what the OP would say (which it sounds like she had no reason to think), she could have phoned her son at his work and asked him, and doubtless he would hve been fine with it.

It's not the principal of her having an afternoon with her grandson that is wrong. It is the fact that she took him out of school and no one notified the boy's parents.

I think you need to have words with the school. She didn't have permission to take child away and childminder was due to pick him up. It's wrong that the parents didn't know where he was.

I think the OP mentioned the Granny had texted. So she did 'notify the parents' only not until it was done.

Go and see the HT and offer a postage stamp and a pen. And when HT says Why? say So that you can write on the back of it in large letters the circumstances in which you can release to a child to a grandparent without prior written authority from a parent.

Have you got an update of what the school's reaction was ? I think that you are being totally reasonable btw.

I have had to tell school to not let any of my children go home with anyone other than DH or I as my mother has threatened their well being.

Well I had a word with his class teacher and explained what had happened and that I was concerned as I hadn't notified them that anything different from usual should be happening.

She explained that they asked any parents who wished to take their dc home after the afternoon performance to remain in the hall following the assembly. MIL stayed and said that she was ds's GM (Grandma), DS confirmed this and so she let him leave with her. She did apologise immediately and say that they had been in the wrong. I explained that we have no problem with MIL, just that I had concerns with the way that it had been handled which she appeared to understand.

All seems ok with MIL, so hopefully we can all put it behind us with lessons learnt.

"She explained that they asked any parents who wished to take their dc home"

Wonder why MIL thought that that meant her?