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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

for having words with MIL today?

142 replies

IwishIwasmoreorganised · 01/07/2011 20:51

Today was ds's class assembly. He is in reception and it was a joint assembly with nursery. He goes to an old, small school (1 class per year) with a small school hall.

Parents of the nursery children are invited to attend the morning or afternoon assembly depending on which session their child attends. Reception childrens parents are split 50/50 for attendance at the morning and afternoon assemblies. After mass attendance by parents, grandparents, Uncle Tom Cobley and all at the Christmas assemblies we were asked (school said for Health and Safety reasons) to limit attendance to 2 people per child.

DH was able to come today so that was our 2 - me and him, and so we didn't even tell MIL about it. Anyway, we saw her earlier in the week and DS mentioned that his class assembly was today. We explained that as DH was coming she wouldn't be able to come. DS mentioned that he was doing it in the afternoon aswell but we explained that we had only been invited to attend the morning performance.

Anyway (well done if you've got this far!), MIL took it upon herself to go to the afternoon performance and then take DS home with her following the assembly (1 1/4 hours early) as the teachers had said that parents could take their childen home at that point if they wished, she said in her text to me that school had finfished early (which it hadn't!). DS would normally be collected by his CM today.

I am not only cross with MIL for seemingly going behind our backs and attending this afternoons performance (knowing that we were going this morning), but also taking DS out of school early. When she brought DS home I have told her all of this. DH seems to think that I have over reacted.

I'm also concerned that the school let DS go with her, knowing that his CM should be collecting him and without me letting them know that today should be any different to normal but that'a nother matter to be sorted out on Monday!

AIBU to have had words with MIL?

OP posts:

handsomeharry · 01/07/2011 21:33

I don't see your point misty. It wasn't a postman or milkman, it was his gran.

chicletteeth · 01/07/2011 21:33

Iteotwawki what if, for whatever reason, the GP wasn't allowed contact?

It happens!

Also happens with ex-spouses too; the school should not have let him go. And MIL should have mentioned to mum and dad that she was going. Tell me, why on earth wouldn't she?

My mum is like my boys' second mum, and she wouldn't do this without telling me first! It is odd that MIL didn't mention it.

Original poster

IwishIwasmoreorganised · 01/07/2011 21:34

Yes, she did let our CM know that she was taking him.

Iteotwawki - I'm not annoyed that she wants to be involved with her GS at all (where have I impled that? It's the way that she has gone about it on this occasion - going in the afternoon when I expressly told her that our invite was for the morning assembly. The afternoon performance had an equal number of families invited so there was no benefit of her going then, apart to avoid seeing us.

I feel that she went behind our backs and showed no respect for the schools request of 2 people per child and this is what I told her. I also explained that it should have been DS's CM picking him up as I had not informed the school otherwise and she knows that I will be speaking to them about this after the weekend.

DS would not have been one of the few children left at school after assembly - at least half the class (whose parents went this morning) would have been there, aswell as any whose parents did not go this afternoon or chose not to take them early (many would have been picking other children up at the end of the day).

The other thing that has wound me up is that they were obviously out in the garden all afternoon and she didn't put any suncream on him or made him wear his hat (both were in his bag to take to the CM's) so his face is pretty red this evening (it's been lovely and sunny here today).

I think that I need to talk to the school on Monday and then take a deep breath!

OP posts:

misty0 · 01/07/2011 21:36

handsomharry why would the fact that a person is a childs grandmother preclude all possibility of them harming/loosing/abducting the child?

Bad/mentaly ill people have grandchildren too .....

LittleMissFlustered · 01/07/2011 21:39

I don't give a monkeys about people saying grandparents have a right to be involved, your mother in law was out of order. Completely. She went behind your back, on purpose, and to all intents and purposes abducted your child for the afternoon. The school need a rocket lighting under their backside, and need to be made aware that she is not permitted to attend events without you or your husband, and on no account t o be allowed to pick your child up.

sweetness86 · 01/07/2011 21:40

I do think she was a bit out of order with what she did but I wouldnt go jumping all over the school (even though it probably shouldnt of happened) my mum picks up my son usually once a week so if my mum went to an assembly and collected DS1 afterwards Im sure they would of let her as she is listed as one of the people who may pick him up and I presume this is the case with you?
Otherwise they wouldnt of let him go at all and if this isnt the case then yes I would go mental at the school too!

I dont think she should of gone behind your back like this it was out of order but if you otherwise get on well a quiet word should do the trick and make clear you werent happy about it but I wouldnt go over board she sounds like a caring Grandmother (with faults)

TidyDancer · 01/07/2011 21:42

Bloody hell. Even if the school had a prior relationship with your MIL, they should not release your DS to her unless she is on the list of authorised people. Seriously, even if MIL is usually a saint, YANBU here.

She has no right whatsoever to do what she did, and you were bloody well correct to tell her.

handsomeharry · 01/07/2011 21:42

I still don't take your point misty.

The OP's grandmother did not harm her grandson. She attended an assembly and took him away when given the option to do so.

It is a family issue IMO.

TidyDancer · 01/07/2011 21:44

The school must be informed of this as a matter of urgency. They are being massively irresponsible at best by allowing children to leave the school premises with people who are not authorised to collect them.

misty0 · 01/07/2011 21:45

So, in your opinion handsom any family member should be able to take a child out of school when given the option to do so? Without the parents knowledge?

TidyDancer · 01/07/2011 21:45

It's not a family issue at all Harry, the school released a child into the custody of someone who was not supposed to be collecting him. If you don't get the implications of what that could mean, it's worrying.

misty0 · 01/07/2011 21:46

Somebody help me out here! Am i making sense?

sweetness86 · 01/07/2011 21:49

Yes but has OP said whether the grandmother is on the list of people to collect him? Because if she is then its a family matter not a school matter .

HooverTheHamaBeads · 01/07/2011 21:49

I'm with with Iteotwawki too.

I just don't see this is an issue at all.

Sounds like you are spoling for a fight with your MIL

springbokscantjump · 01/07/2011 21:51

I would go ape shit about this. I'd probably get a bit stroppy at MIL because it seems that she isn't really respecting what you and your dh told her, just because she is granny, doesn't mean she can do what she wants.

As for the school? Seriously they let your dc go home with a person who is not on your list of approved people just because she is a GP? that is so incredibly unreasonable! It shows the school has an incredibly lax attitude to what is an important safety aspect - what if it had been a dad who isn't allowed access? Just because the OP has a good relationship with MIL doesn't mean everyone does.

misty0 · 01/07/2011 21:52

That is true sweetness. Im not sure if the GM was on the list. Im assuming not, otherwise the OP couldnt very well be as cross with the school as she is .....

simpson · 01/07/2011 21:52

TBH I don't see a huge problem with her seeing your DS in the afternoon assembly.

Yes she has gone against you but she just wanted to see him perform so think that on its own its ok.

But she should never have taken him out of school without you knowing and needs to be pulled up on that.

Also as everyone one else has said very firm words need to be said to the school (and yes I would go straight to HT) about them letting him go in the first place.

handsomeharry · 01/07/2011 21:52

I dont think I said that misty.

I was posting specifically about this thread and the people involved in it.

The OP has stated that the grandmother has picked her DS up from school on a handful of occasions so she is clearly a 'trusted' person.

I think the OP is being unreasonable. IMO

MonkeyTastic · 01/07/2011 21:53

Hey misty0

Yup, your making TOTAL sense to me and my friends who are also reading this.

It's mental that some people don't understand the implications of what the school has done and no need to have to spell it out.

This isn't about grandparent bashing, it's simply about the safety of the child when they're not with their parents. Thats something ALL schools have a legal and moral obligation to ensure. xxx

Original poster

IwishIwasmoreorganised · 01/07/2011 21:55

We don't have a formal list of people that are allowed to collect him. His teachers know (I have informed them in writing) that I collect him 2 days of the week and CM the other 3.

MIL is one of the emergency contacts though.

OP posts:

simpson · 01/07/2011 21:55

My mother has picked my DS up from school a handful of times too (so they know her by sight) but they would still not let him go home with her unless I had told them that morning (or earlier in the wk) that she was the pick up person for that day iyswim.

TidyDancer · 01/07/2011 21:56

There are two possible reasons as to why MIL was out of order WRT to picking up the child. Firstly, she did it without parents permission. Not acceptable at any time. She should've asked. Secondly, if she is not on the list of people authorised to collect the OP's DS, she was being incredibly stupid (as were the school to allow her) to leave the premises with him.

It is troubling that some people are not getting to the bones of this problem.

HooverTheHamaBeads · 01/07/2011 21:57

If the grandmother has on occassion picked up her DS in the past then YABU

I'd rather my child got to spend time with a grandparent than a childminder if the opportunity arose.

TidyDancer · 01/07/2011 21:57

In that case, OP, they should've checked with you about her picking him up. They knew it was a change to the regular arrangement, therefore you should've received a call. School and MIL out of order.

simpson · 01/07/2011 21:58

tidydancer - I agree 100%. I would be totally if this happened.

I would let go the MIL turning up to watch him in assembly though as she obviously just wanted to see him perform but anything after that is totally out of order IMO.

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