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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

for having words with MIL today?

142 replies

IwishIwasmoreorganised · 01/07/2011 20:51

Today was ds's class assembly. He is in reception and it was a joint assembly with nursery. He goes to an old, small school (1 class per year) with a small school hall.

Parents of the nursery children are invited to attend the morning or afternoon assembly depending on which session their child attends. Reception childrens parents are split 50/50 for attendance at the morning and afternoon assemblies. After mass attendance by parents, grandparents, Uncle Tom Cobley and all at the Christmas assemblies we were asked (school said for Health and Safety reasons) to limit attendance to 2 people per child.

DH was able to come today so that was our 2 - me and him, and so we didn't even tell MIL about it. Anyway, we saw her earlier in the week and DS mentioned that his class assembly was today. We explained that as DH was coming she wouldn't be able to come. DS mentioned that he was doing it in the afternoon aswell but we explained that we had only been invited to attend the morning performance.

Anyway (well done if you've got this far!), MIL took it upon herself to go to the afternoon performance and then take DS home with her following the assembly (1 1/4 hours early) as the teachers had said that parents could take their childen home at that point if they wished, she said in her text to me that school had finfished early (which it hadn't!). DS would normally be collected by his CM today.

I am not only cross with MIL for seemingly going behind our backs and attending this afternoons performance (knowing that we were going this morning), but also taking DS out of school early. When she brought DS home I have told her all of this. DH seems to think that I have over reacted.

I'm also concerned that the school let DS go with her, knowing that his CM should be collecting him and without me letting them know that today should be any different to normal but that'a nother matter to be sorted out on Monday!

AIBU to have had words with MIL?

OP posts:
Original poster
IwishIwasmoreorganised · 01/07/2011 21:58

Yes Tidy. I think it is the fact that she did not even attempt to contact me or DH before taking him that is really getting to me.

DH is very easy to contact at work (has a direct line that she knows) and I carry a bleep at all times as not allowed mobile phones.

OP posts:
sweetness86 · 01/07/2011 21:59

I dont know its a hard one as she is on the contact list and is known to the teachers so they probably did think it was okay .

I would speak to them about it on monday my mom is known to the teachers so Im sure they would happily let him go home with her.

simpson · 01/07/2011 21:59

And also the fact she lied and said school finished early when it didn't...

sweetness86 · 01/07/2011 22:00

She should of asked you IMO so I dont you are being unreasonable .

oldsilver · 01/07/2011 22:00

Normal practice is that even if someone is on a contact list, unless the school is informed by the main carer beforehand they should not release a child to anyone.

This is what happens in DS school and also what heppened at the ASC I ran. It was part of the written guidelines. If someone other than the main carer or the person that had been informed about prior, then we would have had to ring the main carer to confirm.

Obviously emergencies occur - this was not an emergency.

misty0 · 01/07/2011 22:01

Grandma has picked up the child once before, not a handful of times.

The fact that she is an emergancy contact clouds the issue somewhat.

I still find it baffling that a person cannot grasp the concept that 'if its gran it must be ok' is not a way to operate a school policy.

squeakytoy · 01/07/2011 22:02

I am with Iteotwawki on this too.. and I honestly cannot see anything at all to be annoyed or stressed about. Your child was not in any danger, your MIL didnt "go behind your back", she knew you were at the morning performance, she knew there was an afternoon performance, she texted the childminder.... no reason whatsoever to get in a tizz about...

Original poster
IwishIwasmoreorganised · 01/07/2011 22:02

School also have several contact numbers for me (Bleep and departmentmental) and DH's mobile and direct line numbers. Not sure how quickly they have access to these (maybe in the main office?) though this shouldn't be an issue.

OP posts:
handsomeharry · 01/07/2011 22:02

If grandmother is listed as an emergency contact then your issue is with your MIL not the school.

Your other option is to have her removed as an emergency contact but I personally wouldn't recommend that. You may find, in the future, that you will need her help.

Don't burn your bridges.

Original poster
IwishIwasmoreorganised · 01/07/2011 22:03

But this wasn't an emergency Handsomeharry! If it was I would not have an issue with it!

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 01/07/2011 22:03

"And also the fact she lied and said school finished early when it didn't..."

How did she lie?

"take DS home with her following the assembly (1 1/4 hours early) as the teachers had said that parents could take their childen home at that point if they wished"

teachers PERMITTED children to leave = school finished early for those kids... no lying there at all...

handsomeharry · 01/07/2011 22:06

Ah I see - grandmother can help when and if it suits you OP.

simpson · 01/07/2011 22:06

OP said:" she said in her text to me that school had finished early (which it hadn't)"

Thats why I thought MIL had lied...

Original poster
IwishIwasmoreorganised · 01/07/2011 22:07

I'm glad a majority of you agree that IWNBU to have words with her.

We're never all going to agree - that's the beauty of MN Grin

I will have words with his teacher on Monday, and then to the HT if I am not satisfied with the response.

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 01/07/2011 22:08

Contact list arrangements at my DS's school are me or DP can pick up without question. First emergency contact is my mum who can almost always be there if needed. Second is MIL/FIL. None of the emergency contact list can pick up without permission from either DP or myself, or by prior arrangement.

PastyKensit · 01/07/2011 22:08

"and to all intents and purposes abducted your child for the afternoon"

Get a grip.

MaryThornbar · 01/07/2011 22:09

YANBU - she should have told you she was going to attend the assembly, and should have called to ask if it was ok to take your DS. I find it odd that she chose not to do either - it seems underhand.

I wouldn't be happy with anyone taking my child out of school without my permission or knowledge - I don't care who they are!

Original poster
IwishIwasmoreorganised · 01/07/2011 22:11

Handsomeharry - I'm not looking for a fight about the role of DSs Grandparents.

We pay a CM so that we do not rely on them for childcare, my PIL are both in their 60's but very fit and active so this was the best solution for us all.

We see a lot of each other, often when it's not all that convenient for me, and I have never had any reason to be bothered by our relationship before today. Hopefully what I have said to her today will stop anything like this from happening again.

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 01/07/2011 22:13

Harry, I think you're misreading this. It really is not about OP's attitude towards MIL (not that there is a problem there IMO), it is about MIL's conduct. She walked into school and removed the child without permission and didn't inform the OP (or her DH). This is not acceptable. This is nothing to do with MIL being wanted or not being wanted (but FWIW, I get the impression she is very much a part of the family), but about her directly and deliberately doing something that any reasonable person would never do. The OP is well within her rights to kick up a stink with both MIL and the school.

Marshy · 01/07/2011 22:17

Not sure why you're quite so cross, if I'm honest. Wasn't it nice that gran (who you usually get on with, and presumably so does DS) got to see his assembly? Presumably school weren't that bothered about the extra one, or they would have turned her away,
Can see why you would want to check out how come they let gran take DS out of school, but I wouldn't be going ballistic about it - rarely helpful IME.

Original poster
IwishIwasmoreorganised · 01/07/2011 22:20

Have I gone ballistic? I've not noticed!

OP posts:
misty0 · 01/07/2011 22:22

i would imagine if the OPs MIL had simply gone to the assembly, seen the play and gone home again, the OP would not have posted here or been even half as cross.

As Tidydancer says though - she removed the child from school without the parents knowledge. That is just not right.

Original poster
IwishIwasmoreorganised · 01/07/2011 22:23

Thanks all for your thoughts.

I'm off to bed now - got a busy weekend ahead!

OP posts:
pleasenap · 01/07/2011 22:25

I would be a bit narked that the school let him out with someone who was not listed as a 'named pick-up' person. Doesn't give you much faith in that system. But I guess I would also think that if there was a family issue where you expressed didn't want a GP picking your DC up then the school would be informed and much more aware and vigilant about it.

I would be annoyed with your MIL...if she definitely knew that there was a limit of 2 and that you and your DH were THE 2. That would irritate me as - well, I guess I like to stick to the rules, know why they're in place and not want to take the piss - and she put you in an awkward position. I guess in the grand scheme of things its not a huge deal...as she clearly was just desperate to see her adored GC in his assembly, and seeing as you get on normally with no issue I doubt its a sly move to disrepect your wishes, but I would've had words too.

leafbird · 01/07/2011 22:27

you should count yourself lucky that you have grandparents that want to be with your child.The school should of checked with you though,enjoy the free child care we would!

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