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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

for having words with MIL today?

142 replies

IwishIwasmoreorganised · 01/07/2011 20:51

Today was ds's class assembly. He is in reception and it was a joint assembly with nursery. He goes to an old, small school (1 class per year) with a small school hall.

Parents of the nursery children are invited to attend the morning or afternoon assembly depending on which session their child attends. Reception childrens parents are split 50/50 for attendance at the morning and afternoon assemblies. After mass attendance by parents, grandparents, Uncle Tom Cobley and all at the Christmas assemblies we were asked (school said for Health and Safety reasons) to limit attendance to 2 people per child.

DH was able to come today so that was our 2 - me and him, and so we didn't even tell MIL about it. Anyway, we saw her earlier in the week and DS mentioned that his class assembly was today. We explained that as DH was coming she wouldn't be able to come. DS mentioned that he was doing it in the afternoon aswell but we explained that we had only been invited to attend the morning performance.

Anyway (well done if you've got this far!), MIL took it upon herself to go to the afternoon performance and then take DS home with her following the assembly (1 1/4 hours early) as the teachers had said that parents could take their childen home at that point if they wished, she said in her text to me that school had finfished early (which it hadn't!). DS would normally be collected by his CM today.

I am not only cross with MIL for seemingly going behind our backs and attending this afternoons performance (knowing that we were going this morning), but also taking DS out of school early. When she brought DS home I have told her all of this. DH seems to think that I have over reacted.

I'm also concerned that the school let DS go with her, knowing that his CM should be collecting him and without me letting them know that today should be any different to normal but that'a nother matter to be sorted out on Monday!

AIBU to have had words with MIL?

OP posts:

Marshy · 01/07/2011 22:29

Some seem to be recommending the ballistic approach come Monday morning. That wouldn't be mine. The choice is still yours to make. Have a good weekend.

GnomeDePlume · 01/07/2011 22:29

IMO the school was extremely slack to allow this to happen. Our primary school is very conscious of child protection issues (custody battles, restraining orders etc). As a result they are very careful to ensure that there is positive assurance about who is allowed to collect children from school.

The GM was silly to attend the assembly and then take the child away after. I wont assume that it was malicious just a GP being taken up in the moment and not thinking through consequences until afterwards.

IMO OP YANBU to have a firm talk with MIL explaining dos and donts.

On Monday take no prisoners at the school. This was a major security failure. If not for your child then there will be others who come from chaotic domestic settings where child protection is of paramount importance.

squeakytoy · 01/07/2011 22:29

"she removed the child from school without the parents knowledge. That is just not right"

I thought she texted them/the childminder... so it was hardly without anyones knowledge..

kalo12 · 01/07/2011 22:32

I would be absolutely livid. its not up to her to take your child out of school, and she's got no right to attend your child's school event uninvited. I'd be livid with dh too if he didn't back me up.

misty0 · 01/07/2011 22:33

Ok - she removed the child from school without the parents permision. That is even more not right!

TidyDancer · 01/07/2011 22:34

I don't think going mad would help anyone, but then the OP hasn't gone mad and seems to be planning not to go mad. But stern words do need to be had with both the school and MIL to ensure this doesn't happen again. It sounds like MIL is welcome to spend time with her GS, but there's nothing wrong with the OP and her DH wanting to know the whereabouts of their child.

HelloKlitty · 01/07/2011 22:35

My Mum would d the same and unless your MIL is the child snatcher I cannot see your problem at all!

Quite a lot of people flout the rules about 2 people per chid...it can't have been heaving or she would not have got in!

And why would she...his Granny...then go home without him when she could give him a shorter day!?? Seriously...you would prefer he were one of the few kids to remain at school when the others were gong home early??? Just so his CM could pick him up?

You sound controlling and odd.

HelloKlitty · 01/07/2011 22:37

FFS! People on here are ridiculous. On the one hand they complain that school has too many rules....but now a Grandparent can't collect her grandchild??

simpson · 01/07/2011 22:37

But she texted after she had already taken the child so not a lot the parent could do.

Also its not up to the child minder to say yes or no IMO.

Although I will admit this subject is a big bug bear of mine as I have had issues with DC father and worries over whether he would take DC out of school without my permission (we are divorced)

misty0 · 01/07/2011 22:40

i dont understand why people are nit picking over phrases and making up inuendos about the OP trying to push out her MIL.

The point is: Surely we all want our children to be safe in school and trust the policy of not handing children over to other adults when they havnt been informed by one of the parents that this is going to be the case .

simpson · 01/07/2011 22:43

If the MIL wanted to spend time with her GC all it would have taken is a call/text from her the night before, asking/saying what she wanted to do etc..

Nothing wrong with her wanting to spend time with him, but the way she went about it just seems so under hand tbh

lookingfoxy · 01/07/2011 22:44

FGS, presumably 'gran' didn't know that they were going to be let away early and took it as an opportune treat for her and your DS.
Poor woman's probably heartbroken by your reaction.
I don't think I would ever speak to you again.

HelloKlitty · 01/07/2011 22:46

If MIL has collected him before...then it's reasonable of the school to assume this is ok unless they are told otherwise.

I agree wit foxy you sound very callous OP.

TidyDancer · 01/07/2011 22:47

Exactly misty. It's a nice thing that MIL wanted to spend time with her GS, but it's hugely irresponsible to do what she did. No one is saying she is intentionally malicious, but she should've thought. She was daft and so were the school. This is really needs to be thought of aside from the fact that it involves a GP. The bottom line is that a family member took the child out of school without the permission of the parents. If the school allow that, they could allow NRP's to take children out when they are not supposed to do so, or release a child to someone the parent didn't even think to inform the school of, all because that person might've been present in an assembly and was vaguely known to the school. That's not okay at all.

lollymom · 01/07/2011 22:49

As a Primary school teacher, I can see how during a post-assembly exodus of children with adults, they may have failed to realise that your son had left with an adult they did not know well. This is why the school should not have allowed this 'take them home' thing to happen. Sounds like a decision from the top (unlikely the class teacher would be given such authority to dismiss the kids so early) So I'd go to HT as it was probably their ill-made decision in the first place.

I could see how MIL might misunderstand that school had finished early, if all the kids appear to be going home. She still should have discussed the fact she planned to go in the first place, though.

TidyDancer · 01/07/2011 22:49

lookingfoxy, would you not have thought to ask the parents? MIL possibly being hurt here doesn't negate the fact that she did something really silly and that needs to be pointed out to her so it doesn't happen again.

simpson · 01/07/2011 22:56

maybe MIL thought all the kids were going early when assembly finished but she should have rung her GC parents to ask permission to take him still before she did iyswim and then the parent could have spoken to the teacher on the phone briefly to say it was ok to take the child home.

Marshy · 01/07/2011 22:59

Hmmm............interesting one.

In a similar situation I don't think I would have a problem with gran/MIL going to the assembly or taking DS home early when the opportunity presented itself, as long as CM and parents weren't left wondering where he was.

As far as the school is concerned, I am probably being very naive, but I would hope they would have a pretty good idea where the child protection-type issues lie and so were ok with gran picking up, though I guess assumptions can be dangerous.

I would be checking this out though on Monday morning, however not in a 'shit hitting fan' kind of way, as suggested by some (not OP). That said, school would be left in no doubt as to my concerns.

Do feel a little bit sorry for MIL as I'm guessing she acted in all innocence, but who knows. Don't suppose she'll be doing it again!

lookingfoxy · 01/07/2011 23:00

Why was what she did silly tidydancer?
She let the childminder and parents know what had happened.

TidyDancer · 01/07/2011 23:06

No, she let the parents know later, she should've got their permission before. It's really simple, no matter who you are, unless you have the express permission of the child's parents/guardians, you do not take them out of school.

I'm not saying that the OP needs to raise merry hell with the school on Monday, but they do need to be told that unless informed by them otherwise, they are only to release the child to his parents. It's really not that hard a system to operate. If MIL wanted to collect the child, a simple phonecall to one or other of the parents would've sufficed, so that either of them could've informed the school and the CM.

lookingfoxy · 01/07/2011 23:09

I can't believe how ANTI family some posters are.
Talk about making a mountain out of a molehill.
Im leaving this thread, far too depressing.

towardsZero · 01/07/2011 23:10

My DC school does this after performances - and I do know on more than one occasion grandparents/relatives there by themselves have got confused or not fully listened or not believed other parents that they have a choice and picked the DC or franticly phoned the parents saying the school has finished when it hasn't.

It can be very confusing - lots of DC and people milling round.

I definitely have words with the school on Monday - but talking to MIL now means she knows she should not do it again.

TidyDancer · 01/07/2011 23:13

Not remotely anti-family, foxy. Not in the slightest.

I am, however, opposed to the school letting children leave the premises without the parents permission. As I and others have already pointed out, this needs to be looked at without the familial relationships being the focus point. The school let the child go without his parent's permission, that's really as simple as it is. They are wrong to have done it. In the time since they last saw MIL, there could've been good reason as to why she shouldn't have been there to collect him. They should've checked. And MIL should not have put the OP and her DH in a position where their DS was not where they presumed him to be.

It shouldn't be that difficult to understand this. All MIL had to do was ask. Just ask.

Marshy · 01/07/2011 23:19

I remember when my 2 were in primary, children were always being picked up by someone other than their parents, mainly because there was a lovely tiresome 'playdates after school' culture. I don't think school was always formally informed, but a certain amount of trust and common sense prevailed. It's a tricky line to walk between common sense and doing it by the book. Just glad I'm not a teacher or worse still a HT. Bad enough being in the NHS!

blackeyedsusan · 01/07/2011 23:20

personally, i would be livid that she let dc get sunburnt and the possible long term health consequences of that, not to mention taking the child without consent.

it had been explained to mil that she could not attend this time, and she still went. I think that is underhand.

I would have words with the school too, more to clarify the situation really. being on the emergency contacts list confuses the issue.

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