Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

for having words with MIL today?

142 replies

IwishIwasmoreorganised · 01/07/2011 20:51

Today was ds's class assembly. He is in reception and it was a joint assembly with nursery. He goes to an old, small school (1 class per year) with a small school hall.

Parents of the nursery children are invited to attend the morning or afternoon assembly depending on which session their child attends. Reception childrens parents are split 50/50 for attendance at the morning and afternoon assemblies. After mass attendance by parents, grandparents, Uncle Tom Cobley and all at the Christmas assemblies we were asked (school said for Health and Safety reasons) to limit attendance to 2 people per child.

DH was able to come today so that was our 2 - me and him, and so we didn't even tell MIL about it. Anyway, we saw her earlier in the week and DS mentioned that his class assembly was today. We explained that as DH was coming she wouldn't be able to come. DS mentioned that he was doing it in the afternoon aswell but we explained that we had only been invited to attend the morning performance.

Anyway (well done if you've got this far!), MIL took it upon herself to go to the afternoon performance and then take DS home with her following the assembly (1 1/4 hours early) as the teachers had said that parents could take their childen home at that point if they wished, she said in her text to me that school had finfished early (which it hadn't!). DS would normally be collected by his CM today.

I am not only cross with MIL for seemingly going behind our backs and attending this afternoons performance (knowing that we were going this morning), but also taking DS out of school early. When she brought DS home I have told her all of this. DH seems to think that I have over reacted.

I'm also concerned that the school let DS go with her, knowing that his CM should be collecting him and without me letting them know that today should be any different to normal but that'a nother matter to be sorted out on Monday!

AIBU to have had words with MIL?

OP posts:
nothingnatural · 02/07/2011 02:16

OFFS, I can't believe the hysterical reaction on here from the majority of posters (a few sane ones - thank goodness) to a granny seeing her grandsons assembly then taking him home and playing in the garden for a while. And so what if the poor little darlings cheeks "are a bit red" after playing outside, HE'S FINE!

Lighten up for gods sake. The child is fine, the adults are fine, the school is fine (much loved granny on contact list). You're all insane.

OP I would value the help and kindness from your mil and not "have words" for a minor misdemeanor (at worst).

feistychickfightingthebull · 02/07/2011 03:51

Yabu op,your mil is your dp's mum and it must have been really awkward for him to have his mother told off for merely loving her son's son. Mn seems to have a different set of rules for mil's. I really hope you never experience the same when your ds marries.

Iteotwawki · 02/07/2011 05:20

She's his gran and she's an emergency contact. I really don't think you have a reason to go in all guns blazing on Monday morning, the school were not to know that a named contact family member wasn't supposed to pick him up.

He played in the garden minus hat and cream - for that I would ask MiL to keep spare hat and cream at her house for his use next time he visits to avoid too much sun exposure. Bearing in mind he was in an afternoon assembly at school and the sun isn't as bad after around 2pm.

I still think you are massively overreacting.

PenguinArmy · 02/07/2011 05:38

I dunno, but it's the going behind the parents back that stands out to me. It sounds like she does often go to assemblies, just shouldn't have gone to this one.

Iteotwawki · 02/07/2011 06:07

I don't see where she's gone behind anyone's back. Did she require permission (from OP?) to attend the afternoon assembly? Or is she an autonomous adult capable of making her own decisions? I see no underhand behaviour, just a caring grandmother.

(she in this instance being the MiL as opposed to a mother of felines)

PenguinArmy · 02/07/2011 06:12

She had been told that the school didn't want more than 2 people there for each DC and that the school had asked that people visiting her DC attend the morning session.

PenguinArmy · 02/07/2011 06:14

I do understand how she got caught in the moment and took her GS home for some fun time, although I would be put out about not being asked, I do understand it and wouldn't have a 'go' at her about it. Would expect suncream to be used however, but I live in a very sunny place so it is a issue for us.

Iteotwawki · 02/07/2011 06:18

See, that's not how I read it. I saw the parents as saying they'd been invited to attend the morning and going (hence both spaces taken) and the GC saying he was in the afternoon too - and GM deciding to go as watch him in afternoon as she couldn't in morning.

I can also see how the GM may have thought she was doing her family a favour by taking him home early (when teachers saying kids could leave), honestly thinking school was finishing early (even if she was mistaken).

As I said, big overreaction over nothing - but that's how I view it. As a mother of sons who I would like to think would still value me as a part of their family when they grow up!

Iteotwawki · 02/07/2011 06:21

Sun an issue here also (hats & cream mandatory for all kids up to year 6) so my boys have them in school bags, nursery bags and everyone has spares!

PenguinArmy · 02/07/2011 06:25

For me (if I have read it correctly as he's in R not nursery) yes it's a minor thing, but if she is willing to go behind their back and sneak into a assembly she shouldn't have been in (yes it's small matter and understandable and comes from love of the GS not malice) it's a broken trust issue and will therefore effect future things in this regard.

I really should go to bed

PenguinArmy · 02/07/2011 06:25

OP said her child had them in his bag

Iteotwawki · 02/07/2011 06:31

Was she explicitly told not to go in the afternoon? Or was she told "we've been invited to the morning and we're both going" - with no mention of not being allowed to attend the afternoon if you've been in the morning.

See, she may have thought they were invited to the morning because GC was doing something special and not realised it was invite only either session. Especially as GC said he was doing something in the afternoon too - she may not have known an invite was required.

Had she been told specifically not to attend the afternoon and gone anyway then yes, some sort of chat is in order. But not "have words" or go to the extremes of anger mentioned upthread.

Sometimes I think we're all too fast to ascribe horrendous motives to mothers-in-law.

HooverTheHamaBeads · 02/07/2011 08:47

Exactly iteotwawki.

OP you need to remember that her only motivation where your son is concerned is love.

HelloKlitty · 02/07/2011 09:41

That's right Hoover acting "by the book" whre family is concerned is simply bizzarre.

G1nger · 02/07/2011 09:52

Yes yabu. She attended the pm session on the off-chance she'd get in. Why shouldn't she? Then the school invited parents /guardians to take them home. Do you think you might be being rather controlling here in both respects?

Did your son have a lovely afternoon with her or not? It sounds like something that lovely childhood memories are built on, to me.

HelloKlitty · 02/07/2011 09:58

Yes G1nger....my nan used to come to get me from school and if I was at work, my MIL or my Mum would be welcome to collect my DDs...whats wrong with it!? MIL texted afterwards to let her know....she didn't steal him and go somewhere other than home!
OP...you KNOW he was safe and happy...what is the problem here? Is it that MIL feels some kind of ownership? Is it that you don't want her making NY descisions regarding your son? Not even one that would give him joy?

When your son has children of his own, you'd better hope your DIL is more relaxed than you appear.

Lonnie · 02/07/2011 10:03

OP do you have mil down as a person that can collect? My mil is and the school would without question (and have) handed out our children to her. It has been a godsent at times where they have taken ill and I was in London to far to get to collect them.

I do think you are overreacting about her going to the play but with regards to her collecting him early i would probably ask her in future to check with you you kno 2in case he was meant to be on a playdate or something mil didnt know"

talkingnonsense · 02/07/2011 13:31

I actually think it is appalling that she went to the assembly, having been told your Places were for the morning. If many grandparents did that, the parents wouldn't fit in. In fact, I think if space was tight the school should have ticketed, but I would be furious that she effectively took someone else's space, and that other children, who only had parents at one showing, could have been upset. I'm not bothered that she took him home if she is on the contact list!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/07/2011 13:44

OP... Did you bother to ask the school whether GM could attend one of the performances? You said that you told her there was 'no room' at the morning one, but what about the afternoon? How did she get in if there were no places?

I think what I'm asking is whether or not you actually talk to your MIL about stuff she's interested in, namely what her grandson is doing. She wants to be involved. Why isn't she on the contact list?

diddl · 02/07/2011 13:52

But if MIL is an emergency contact-doesn´t that mean for the school to contact her in an emergency when they cannot get hold of the parents?

Not that she has permission to collect her GC without parent´s knowledge?

TBH if the school let her into the assembly, that´s their concern.

It´s the letting the child go that´s off.

OP-would your MIL normally go to these things with you when your husband can´t?

mumeeee · 02/07/2011 13:56

Yabu to be annoyed with your mil. Your DS told he was doing a class assembly in the afternoon as well as the morning. You told her that you and DH were attending the morning one. Did you tell her she couldn't go to the afternoon one? She did let your CM know what she was doing. But YANBU about the school not checking with you first to make sure it was okay for him to go with her.

I

diddl · 02/07/2011 13:57

Did you still have to pay the CM?

MissMap · 02/07/2011 14:22

Iteotwawki got it exactly right, in my opinion. Be very careful about taking some of the extreme advice you are getting.

If you normally get along with your Mil and she is a good loving Grandma I would not risk a family rift over it.

It sounds like an excited and enthusiastic Grandma enjoying her Grandchild, and not thinking that you might see things differently. Give her a chance.

You might need her some time soon!

zeeboo · 02/07/2011 16:26

Totally agree with Iteotwawki!!!! What pointless hysteria.

PrettyMeerkat · 02/07/2011 16:40

I would be freaked out if someone (relation or otherwise) went and collected my child from school when I wasn't expecting them too! My relations would never dream of doing that, as they realise it is up to me when and by who my children are collected.

I was just trying to imagine walking into the school, picking up my nephew and taking him home without having been asked to by his mum or dad . . . I woud just never do it!

Swipe left for the next trending thread