Advice on going on holiday with sis and niece over eating issues

[pingu2209]

I have typed a few subject headings but they all seemed quite explosive and I want advice rather than being shouted down, so I opted for a plain subject with detail in the message! I was the OP who started the fussy eating thread, so those of you who have read/taken part in that you may now understand why I started it.

My niece is 13 and an increadibly fussy eater. For the first 4-5 years she would eat anything, she was a human dustbin. However, over the past 8 years she has become more and more fussy over food. My sister and brother in law do not see it, I believe it is because they have adapted how they eat over the years so they end up only buying what she likes etc. But it drives the rest of the family mad as we end up selecting where and what we all eat based on purely her fussiness.

I have eaten with my sister and niece a lot, for Sunday roasts and bbqs etc. My husband and children think it is extremely unfair that my niece (their cousin) gets a huge portion of meat (because that is literally all she will eat) and they get a small portion with veg and potatoes. However, we put up with it because it is normally just one day.

When we get together my neice will eat secretly away from my children so that they don't get any of whatever she is eating - normally this is a whole tube of Pringles, or Jaffa Cakes or those yoghurty pudding things by Cadburies. I don't mind her doing this as I actually don't want them eating all that junk around meal times and they would nag for it if they saw their cousin eating it. However, when she comes to my house she often ends up eating far more than her fair share of the junk food, which has not gone unnoticed by my husband, children or myself. Once she ate 4 Screwball icecreams in one sitting - but they were supposed to be 1 each (1 for her and 1 each for my children).

For the first time ever I am going abroad on a self catering holiday with my father and step mother, brother and wife and son, sister and husband and daughter and my husband and children. There will be a lot of us!

In order to share the work load my sister has asked that there is a jobs rota. She has asked that she does the cooking and others do the cleaning etc. I asked to share all the jobs especially the cooking because I enjoy cooking (as does she, sister in law and step mother). My sister asked me what I would cook. I said I don't know but it is unlikely to be hot meals as it will be warm weather so it is most likely to be platters of food such as tomatoes, cucumber, lettuce, cheeses, ham, pate, freshly cut bread, dips, crudite etc.

My sister has said that her daughter won't eat that and she really only eats roast meat or pasta with Ragu sauce. Therefore, she would rather cook so that her daughter can eat with the family without there being any issues around the table with the family making comment over what her daughter eats (my sister is correct, we will all make comment over my niece's attitude to food). My sister said she would cook roast meats and pasta as this is pretty much all her daughter eats.

I said to my sister I wasn't happy with the cooking arrangement and if we shared the cooking, on the days she cooked her daughter could join in the family meal, but if she didn't like what was on offer from her step grandmother or aunties, then she could have pasta boiled up for her with some Ragu sauce poured over it.

To be frank, i don't want roast meat or pasta every day of the holiday!

I have not yet said this, but I would also like to ensure that all the children (and adults) get their fair share of the things like biscuits, ice cream, crisps etc. I want to suggest that when we buy something like biscuits or crisps etc, that the person who has opened them does not hoof down the lot of them. I can picture the scenario, 1/2 hour before lunch my niece opens the crisps (because my sister will let her) and she offers them to my children and everyone else. I will say no my children can't have any as we are soon to eat a meal. So she will then eat the lot, not saving my children's fair share.

Am I being unreasonable? Over controlling?

"How anyone can remember who ate a sodding packet of jaffa cakes is anyones guess."

Seriously?!! If they were my sodding jaffa cakes, I assure you I'd remember!

Give her a call.

Tell her you are very much looking forward to the holiday and you want mealtimes to be pleasurable experiences for everyone including your niece and that you feel the best way to achieve this is for everyone to take turns at cooking. When it is her turn then she can cook stuff that niece likes, when it is everyone elses turn then aunt or niece are welcome to make up pasta or something (preferably simple that does not get in the way of the main meal preparation) so everyone can enjoy eating together.

Hopefully this should be a good compromise for everyone, obviously you will need to explain to your DCs that it is one rule for her and another rule for them but I'm sure you will find a way to do that.

Regarding the treats I agree they should be split fairly, but feel if you approach it now on top of the eating issue then you are setting fire to a powder keg ( or similarly tortured analogy). Once you are there turn out all the treats and say right now how do we dish these up fairly - maybe tuck boxes for everyone with their own goodies, if niece is allowed to eat hers whenever she wants then fine, but keep to your rules with your DC.

Whilst your niece does appear to be pandered to, the rest of you do seem a bit overinvolved. Why do you feel the need to comment on what she does and doesn't eat? Minimize the impact of the issue and then just ignore.

Oh and another thing, definitely you should be sharing the ( quite enjoyable with a glass of wine in one hand) cooking rather than relegated to all the ( crap at home and worse in a foreign country) cleaning.

I have to agree with those that say you seem to be looking for trouble on this one. You seem overly obsessed with your niece's food intake and how her mother deals with it. Get over it, she's not your child!

I don't understand why you have to bring it up incessantly, meeting with your parents over it, making a huge issue of it. God, if the kid is eating because she's stressed, you're setting her up for failure and more stress by harping on it constantly and ridiculing her. How would you feel if the situation was reversed and it was your child that everyone was nagging constantly?

I feel sorry for the niece - she's a teenager, who obviously has some issues. And you're discussing them with all and sundry, looking for ways to make her uncomfortable and embarrass her in front of everyone and make her unhappy. What a lovely auntie you are!

There have been quite a few suggestions on the thread about compromising somewhat and allowing her to have what she wants without having a negative impact on everyone else. Wind you neck in and look at compromising. It's HER holiday too. When YOU were a young teenager, would you have enjoyed a holiday where the entire family, led by your aunt, was harping at you constantly and looking to upset you and humiliate you? I rather doubt it. Have a little compassion - you actually may not know everything about the situation.

You actually seem to intensely dislike this girl. I imagine she knows it. How sad.

I really don't see the problem here - Dad's paying, lots of other adults, and I'd bet they will all want to cook other stuff too - and I'll bet there willbe loads of BBQ, Sis can cook DD spag bol if she doesn't like whats on the menu, tell your kids to scarf snacks when they want or keep a stash.

And my kids only ate white bread, scarfed snacks and loved Coco Pops, its pretty normal. So long as they are running around doing exercise its all just calories.

Don't go on holiday with them - I've only read a page of the thread and I need a holiday already!

"What annoys me is also that my niece will make funny faces like screwing her nose up or gaging noises when my children are served 'normal' food, that she does not like, for example fish pie."

That's totally off limits in my book and would get a sharp response from me - unless, of course, you allow your kids to all make pig grunting noises whenever she eats!!

Seriously though, I think your niece has an eating disorder and you might want to look up this eating disorder site for some advice.

Why should everyone have to eat one way for a fussy eater? If she were a vegetarian would you all eat veggy? doubt it. She can make seperate meals, on the other hand the sort of holiday you have planned with family who appear to be hardwork sounds like my idea of personal hell so I woudln't have gone anyway!

I think your are crazy to go on holiday with them, sounds like a massive falling out waiting to happen.

Parent your own kids and stop making comments about niece.

Don't agree to the roster, feed your kids what you think is appropriate. Have some treats as set aside for just them (that you have purchased) so they don't miss out.

OP I think you are getting a very hard time from some posters.

I am not sure the posters telling you to get over it and that you must dislike your niece to even contemplate refusing her mother's request that everyone only eats roasts or pasta and ragu for 2 weeks solid during the summer (and presumably hot weather) would be happy enough to do that!

I think you can agree to not comment on your neice's eating habits so long as you or your family are not forced to share them or receive comments from your niece about the food you or anyone else is eating.

Have you spoken to your brother and his wife (and DS) about meals/food on holiday? How about suggesting to them that as the GPs are paying for the food you thought it would be nice to divide up the cooking so everyone gets to do some (apart from GPs unless they want to) so how about each family cooking 4 times over the fortnight leaving 2 nights out for meals (if affordable).

Have you checked whether there is a BBQ at the place you're staying? That could well feed your niece's meat habit quite well without everyone having to sit down to a roast every night.

To soften the tupperware treat box rule (which I think is a good idea but may be difficult to manage) how about taking a tupperware box for each of the children (nephew and niece included) pre-filled with a few treats so when you hand them out they are a bit of a gift and you can explain that your DCs will be using them to stash their share of holiday treats in?

The key question is whether your dn is being indulged in some crappy eating habits and self-indulgent behaviours, or whether she has an eating disorder. If it's the former, then I agree that you shouldn't pander to it - though neither should you do anything that leads to her being ridiculed, humiliated or publicly berated.

If it's the latter, and it certainly sounds as though it might be, then your dn and her mum deserve a bit more compassion than shown by many posters on this thread. Eating disorders are a nightmare for the sufferer and for everyone around them. They are extremely hard to live with, even short term on a holiday. It would not be unreasonable for you to refuse to take holidays with them until this is sorted out. Certainly I think you should try to talk with your sister in a way that doesn't make her feel criticised (I imagine right now she feels very anxious and very defensive) so you can agree together how to have a holiday that is fair to and fun for all the children. Generally, I think eating disorders shouldn't be pandered to to the extent that others' meals and fun is affected. But it is absolutely vital that the sufferer doesn't feel scrutinised or ridiculed. Please, please make sure your dh and dc don't make comments about it. But absolutely make sure you and your sister agree on a way forward that is acceptable for all.

Best of luck; it sounds like a bit of a nightmare.

As the mother of 2 fussy eaters, your sister has my sympathy, BUT insisting that everyone eat the same so she can join in the family meal is ridiculous , selfish, and making the child the centre of attention which is a recipe for disaster.
When we eat Sunday lunch, we all have different choices of veg, and different stuff on our plates, does that mean it isn't a family meal?
As for the making faces, I would be having a word with your sister to let her know that behaviour would be rude even in a 6yo and is frankly ridiculous in a teenager. Scoffing everyone else's stuff is greedy and antisocial, when a packet is opened, give out equal shares, and remove everyone's elses share from your nieces grasp, to be given at a more appropriate time.
Whilst I agree that you should let your sister parent her child the way she wants, if it is affecting you and your children on the holiday, you need to put your foot down.

I would simply say to her that neither you or your DC want to eat roast meat and hot pasta on holiday. Obviously you understand that is what her daughter wants to eat. Then say that you don't mind how it is organised - you cook separately, a separate meal is made for your niece, etc. How does she think you could solve this problem? I would totally throw it back to her.

If she says that she thinks you should all eat roast meat and pasta, just say that is not what my family want to eat on holiday, is there another solution she can think of?

And i would keep saying this. But don't criticise the niece's eating habits. Present it purely as a practical problem of different people wanting to eat different things, so how do we solve this?

She may get upset, in which case I would say to her I can see you are getting upset, why don't we leave this for the moment and give us time to think of a solution. But stick to your guns. Although it is totally unfair that your family should eat what her niece wants to eat, don't use words like its not fair. You need to be reasonable, but stick to your guns.

In terms of junk food I don't think there is anything you can do on holiday. I would talk to the children before you go and outline why you will be limiting junk before meals and how your niece will probably get it before meals - basically be honest with them. But also say that if the niece eats all the junk food you will buy more just for them - so they shouldn't worry about missing out, they will still get what you would allow them to get.

TBH I would also be tempted to take some of the junk food and hide it in my bedroom. But this would have to be done subtly, if you were going to avoid arguments.

Just to add that your sister may not have caused your dn's eating problems. Her odd behaviours may show desperate attempts to accommodate, mitigate and disguise a spiralling eating disorder. I'm a very judgy person and don't normally trot out this line, but she may need your sympathy and support, not your criticism.

I ate a highly restricted diet as a child and had lots of behaviours similar to your neice's: secretive eating, binge eating etc. This despite my mother's straightforward approach which was: healthy diet on the table, no junk food in the house, if you don't like what's served there's always the fruit bowl. By the age of 12 I was anorexic and it took me nearly 20 years to stop it dominating my life. My bizarre eating behaviours were a real problem to my nearest and dearest (I blush when I think about it now) and I feel really bad about that. I also don't think it would have helped me to have people collude with my distorted reality and I'm certainly not saying you should. But people with eating disorders are agonisingly sensitive about having their eating behaviours scrutinised: please don't comment on them within her earshot.

OP I also think you're getting a hard time. I posted about my niece and nephew's annoying eating habits on another thread, so I know what you mean!

I agree that it isn't what your DN eats, it's that your sister expects everyone else to pander to that. I would just insist on sharing and then on nights when you're cooking a normal meal, tell your sister she can make pasta if she chooses.

I'm with the others who have mentioned a possible eating disorder. It doesn't sound like a happy situation for your sis and niece under normal circumstances and sounds like your sis is getting really stressed herself at the thought of sharing mealtime with so many people.

Def agree with Lesley33's tactic. Very reasonable. I would suggest that a potentila solution is that if she really wants to cook then that's great, but she could make 2 choices of meal every day, one for the bulk of folks and something she knows her daughter will eat, but make enough for a few of people.

It's then a case of take your pick and not singling out her daughter............ xx

I will read the whole thread later, but it sounds like a nightmare from your OP!

My DSD is 13 and also very fussy, although she certainly wouldn't dictate everyone else's meals! She just picks out what she dislikes.

We recently went on holiday together - we have 2 little DCs and DH has 3 older DCs, so 7 of us. We were a little worried as DH's 3 get all the junk food she wants at her house (grazing all day - she is fine at our house without lots of snacks). I envisaged a situation where we bought lots of snacks and they would all be eaten within a day and they'd argue.

So we gave each of DH's DCs a tenner each (our DCs are only little) specifically for snacks, and designated them a shelf each. We told them it was their responsibility together enough to last, and not use it all up in a day etc. It worked really well - they spent a bit each at Asda on the first day when we got all the food, and then spent the rest gradually at the shop on the site.

From your OP though it sounds like your niece is totally mollycoddled though so it may not work.

I think everyone going on the holiday sounds like a nightmare. Niece is incredibly picky, sister is over protective, your dad is unwilling to buy extra meat for niece, your kids counting 'treats' and sorry, but you do come over as quite controlling about the food. I'm knackered just reading the thread.
You say your niece will only eat roast meat or pasta but it sounds like she would eat the paella minus the seafood. Don't see the problem. As someone else said just remove her portion before adding the seafood. She will eat ham (and maybe other cold meats) and white bread so you could do a cold buffet type meal. I don't think it's unreasonable to put extra meat on the table for your niece, presumably she's not eating the cheeses etc so why is that really an issue?
Re the junk food and everyone having a fair share. I assume you will be going out? Buy your kids an ice cream or some sweets when you're out.

I know this all sounds harsh but quite honestly I think you are putting way too much thought into this and it is already taking over the holiday before you even get there.

I really do love my niece and couldn't love my sister more if I tried. I just get really narked at my niece's fussy eating and the fact she hogs more than her share of the junk food. It doesn't mean I don't like her. She is a lovely girl with a good sense of humour.

I'm not sure if it is fussy eating or an eating disorder. My husband has said for years that it is an eating disorder, but I'm not so sure. She is a healthy weight (tall and lean but not super skinny). She has strange attitudes to food so perhaps it could be the tentative start of an eating disorder so I should and must tread carefully.

Most children like junk food but because she is an only child she isn't used to sharing the junk food in her home, as my sister and brother in law don't eat it. She may well quickly adapt in a shared holiday home and realise she can't eat all of the Pringles or whatever.

I'm going to take the junk food on the chin. If the opportunity arises I may say, let me take a few biscuits/crisps out for your cousins so that they have some for later. But no more than that.

Thanks for all your replies. Seriously, thank you. It has made me think and I will try to remember the advice when in the heat of the moment I get angry as there are no crisps left!

My post will doubtless come across as repetitive, as it's all been said. As far as I can see, everyone in the situation thinks everyone else is unreasonable and I think you may all be a little bit right!

You say in your post: Therefore, she would rather cook so that her daughter can eat with the family without there being any issues around the table with the family making comment over what her daughter eats (my sister is correct, we will all make comment over my niece's attitude to food).

So your sister wanted everyone to eat the same, in order to keep the rest of the family in line with their personal remarks?

Like everyone said, why not have a buffet, and don't make personal comments about what everyone else is eating. Enforce that rule on everyone. No making faces at others' choices from the thirteen-year-old niece, and absolutely no "you can't possibly eat ragu three nights running!" type comments from you. Meals should be relaxed, enjoyable occasions. Maybe, if there's no pressure, she'll decide to try something different. Maybe she won't. Remember, it's supposed to be a holiday for everyone. Not a Healthy Eating Change Your Life camp for her, and not an holiday job as a nutritionist for you.

What happened to eat what you are given or not at all? Why are children allowed to be so fussy? I certainly wasn't - i got what i was given end of.
If they are hungry enough surely they'll eat it eventually.

I agree that a 13 year old is perfectly capable of preparing her own dinner - it is unfair that you all have to eat what one person dictates.

I think it's important to point out that from what the OP is saying, the niece doesn't want everyone else to have to eat what she eats. It's her mother that is doing that - I suspect in an effort to put her own daughter at ease. I would imagine if this has been an ongoing flashpoint in family get-togethers for awhile, the child's mother is probably feeling a bit protective of her daughter and wants to make sure she is eating something she likes. As a mum of a child that has lots of food issues (he's 4yo and autistic), it can be extremely difficult to deal with in social settings, and it's a real struggle keeping a healthy diet going without doing any unhealthy "pushing" to eat new things which could backfire and create more issues. I suspect the niece is not fussed if everyone else eats something different, as long as she can stick to the foods that she is comfortable with. When my DD was a teenager, if we were eating something she absolutely disliked, she was quite capable of fixing something simple for herself to eat instead. It's one thing to encourage children to try something new, but quite another to repeatedly push food they actively dislike on them. Would you want someone to do that to you or your children?

You say your DH thinks it's an eating disorder of some type, so perhaps he's seeing something you're not. Maybe he is able to step back from the aggravation of the situation and look at it more clinically than you can right now? What does he think of the holiday food situation? It's interesting to note you really haven't said much about his thoughts on this - does he disagree with you on this?

The best bet would be to try and keep a fair variety of food at meals so people can pick and choose, with at least a few things at each meal that she likes as well. It wouldn't be that difficult for you to coordinate. She won't feel watched or criticised, and may even relax enough to try different foods and enjoy them.

The fact that you are planting your feet and refusing to even make a small compromise (such as splitting the paella before adding seafood to it so she -and possibly others - don't have to eat the seafood), rather indicates that you are far too wrapped up in this. It's much like you're determined to get the better of her or force her to eat what everyone else eats.

Holiday and cooking in one sentence?? Eat out.

ONe thing to add: if your niece is rude about what everyone else is eating, as you mentioned (gagging noises etc) then I think you can and should say something to her straightaway, and yes in front of the whole family at the table if that is where she does it. It really is the height of bad manners to do this, and it is a bit rich to expect tolerance about her own disordered eating while reserving the right to make everyone else feel bad about their meal choices.

Great advice from people here. I would just add that great food is all part and parcel of holidays, so don't put up with food the majority of the group wouldn't want to eat in that climate. Lots of ideas for compromising.

Doesn't sound like an eating disorder to me if she's eating lots of junk food. Kids her age will know the calorific value of junk food and if she's worried about calories then she wouldn't eat it. Sounds like she's just fussy and has been pandered to. To be honest, I'd prefer to eat junk than normal meals and healthy food but am an adult and have been taught to make mature choices, she's probably not at that stage yet, so her parents should be making the healthy choices for her.

What happens when she goes round to friends houses? Is she not embaressed? Maybe she's more flexible in situations where her parents are not around.

By all means compromise (e.g the fish in paella only goes in at the end, so remove a separate portion for her before the fish goes in) allow her to pick bits out that she doesn't like, pasta salad (she can pick out the salad) roast meat with salad etc, but don't completely bend to her will. Everyone will end up getting fed up and it wouldn't be fair on your niece if she's the target of everyone's frustration.

YANBU I have only ever gone on holiday with laid back people-any mention of rotas etc and advance talking about cooking I would opt out quick and not go with them!
As this doesn't seemto be an option I would just be laid back yourself. Say you don't do rotas when on holiday.You like to eat local food -use localmarkets etc and the idea is to be different on holiday. Suggest that DN does the pasta and jars if she can't cope with the rest of you. Eat out a lot if you can afford it. I would totally ignore DN and what she eats or doesn't eat-it isn't your problem. As father is paying for food I wouldn't moan if she eats more than her share of biscuits, crisps etc-be pleased yours have less! Buy ice creams out.
Do your own thing-leave DN to be sorted out by her mother-no need to get involved.