Advice on going on holiday with sis and niece over eating issues

[pingu2209]

I have typed a few subject headings but they all seemed quite explosive and I want advice rather than being shouted down, so I opted for a plain subject with detail in the message! I was the OP who started the fussy eating thread, so those of you who have read/taken part in that you may now understand why I started it.

My niece is 13 and an increadibly fussy eater. For the first 4-5 years she would eat anything, she was a human dustbin. However, over the past 8 years she has become more and more fussy over food. My sister and brother in law do not see it, I believe it is because they have adapted how they eat over the years so they end up only buying what she likes etc. But it drives the rest of the family mad as we end up selecting where and what we all eat based on purely her fussiness.

I have eaten with my sister and niece a lot, for Sunday roasts and bbqs etc. My husband and children think it is extremely unfair that my niece (their cousin) gets a huge portion of meat (because that is literally all she will eat) and they get a small portion with veg and potatoes. However, we put up with it because it is normally just one day.

When we get together my neice will eat secretly away from my children so that they don't get any of whatever she is eating - normally this is a whole tube of Pringles, or Jaffa Cakes or those yoghurty pudding things by Cadburies. I don't mind her doing this as I actually don't want them eating all that junk around meal times and they would nag for it if they saw their cousin eating it. However, when she comes to my house she often ends up eating far more than her fair share of the junk food, which has not gone unnoticed by my husband, children or myself. Once she ate 4 Screwball icecreams in one sitting - but they were supposed to be 1 each (1 for her and 1 each for my children).

For the first time ever I am going abroad on a self catering holiday with my father and step mother, brother and wife and son, sister and husband and daughter and my husband and children. There will be a lot of us!

In order to share the work load my sister has asked that there is a jobs rota. She has asked that she does the cooking and others do the cleaning etc. I asked to share all the jobs especially the cooking because I enjoy cooking (as does she, sister in law and step mother). My sister asked me what I would cook. I said I don't know but it is unlikely to be hot meals as it will be warm weather so it is most likely to be platters of food such as tomatoes, cucumber, lettuce, cheeses, ham, pate, freshly cut bread, dips, crudite etc.

My sister has said that her daughter won't eat that and she really only eats roast meat or pasta with Ragu sauce. Therefore, she would rather cook so that her daughter can eat with the family without there being any issues around the table with the family making comment over what her daughter eats (my sister is correct, we will all make comment over my niece's attitude to food). My sister said she would cook roast meats and pasta as this is pretty much all her daughter eats.

I said to my sister I wasn't happy with the cooking arrangement and if we shared the cooking, on the days she cooked her daughter could join in the family meal, but if she didn't like what was on offer from her step grandmother or aunties, then she could have pasta boiled up for her with some Ragu sauce poured over it.

To be frank, i don't want roast meat or pasta every day of the holiday!

I have not yet said this, but I would also like to ensure that all the children (and adults) get their fair share of the things like biscuits, ice cream, crisps etc. I want to suggest that when we buy something like biscuits or crisps etc, that the person who has opened them does not hoof down the lot of them. I can picture the scenario, 1/2 hour before lunch my niece opens the crisps (because my sister will let her) and she offers them to my children and everyone else. I will say no my children can't have any as we are soon to eat a meal. So she will then eat the lot, not saving my children's fair share.

Am I being unreasonable? Over controlling?

Hmmm - my sister was (and is) a very fussy eater. (Roasts and pasta sounds very familiar).

But there is no way the rest of the family would have been expected to eat something they didn't want, just because that was all she ate. She has been cooking her own meals for a looong time now.

So YANBU to say that cooking should be shared out so that everyone gets their choice of meal. Your niece can cook pasta on the nights you cook.

As regards her wolfing down more than her share of crisps... TBH that is a problem on any group self catering holiday, there is always someone who has more beer/crisps/chocolate than everyone else. If it's enough of a difference to be a problem, ask her parents to contribute extra to the kitty (ie give some extra money to your dad) to cover her extra snacking and ensure there's enough for others.

I would take your Dad aside before the food shopping is done, agree on a strategy, and make sure you buy (for example) 6 ice lollies for six people, and make it very clear that there is one per child/person when you put them in the freezer. Do this in front of everybody so know one can say they didn't know. That way, if she takes more than one of each item, she is very aware that she is stealing someone else's. If her mother wants to buy extra herself to supplement her DD that's up to her.

If you have 3 DC and she is only child then to equal it out between 'families' she should have more junk food as you 3 would eat more than her one normally IYSWIM

sorry 'no-one' not 'know one'

How come you let her eat all that junk food at your house? surely that's under your control?

I just couldn't go away with people like this. Life is too short.

We've been nagged since the beginning of this year to go away with SIL, MIL and co in the summer holidays. They have different issues but it amounts to the same kind of hassle.

We have politely declined every time it has been mentioned.

It is really really unfair to your children to have this cousin indulged so blatantly. Ultimately for her it will mean food issues for life.

I would take the boxes for each of the kids, your niece sounds greedy and selfish, by 13 she should know better. but your sister is letting her down, still by 13... yes, selfish and greedy fit the bill.

How about a little LOUD parenting? Or getting there first?

''quick kids, take the meats you want so you get a fair share'' then dollop a load on each of their plates :)

Or when she opens a pack of biscuits 5 minutes before dinner and offers you DC some, ''Yes that would be lovely niece, here give me the packet....(removes fair share)....there you go, ill put these up for after dinner''

Repeat repeat repeat.

It sounds like shes well aware of what she is doing, so act all unknowing and intercept it quick.

Here is a radical suggestion..... dont buy ANY junk food....

It isnt necessary anyway..

I don't understand why you can't just say oi that ham is for everyone put some back. When I was 13 any if my aunts would of said that without fear of persecution. Why all this pandering??

I have to say, I probably wouldn't be going on a holiday like this.

I think whatever you do, you certainly need to have your dad on side, so talk to him first. Then go to your sister and tell her that while obviously her daughter's eating habits are her responsibility, you want the whole family to enjoy the holiday and therefore you will be taking separate boxes for your DCs junk food items. You can easily do this, and you can also keep it fun, let the children have some control over their own box, they can eat what they like when they like, but the box won't be refilled. Make the same rule for all the children on the holiday and that way you can't be accused of singling out one of them in particular.

Stick to your guns WRT the cooking arrangements. Your niece can make her own food if she doesn't like what you're cooking, or she can eat out of her box, or not eat at all. She can't be pampered to when there's so many other people to consider.

I really do feel for you, it's a nightmare when you're dealing with parents who point blank refuse to deal with their child's food issues. Your niece clearly isn't eating normally, or in a way that is acceptable when you're dealing with social situations. I reiterate, this isn't your issue to solve, but it doesn't mean you have to bend over backwards for the overgrown baby at the centre of this.

Insist on taking it in turns to cook and tell dn that if she doesn't like what is on offer she can make herself some pasta! She is certainly old enough. Point out that the ham is 2 slices each for everyone, and she can more if there is any left. Lord knows with the snack thing. I would take some stuff myself and hide it in my room.

the tupperware box idea is great, to be honest, treats do not fill you up only food does.

I think if a child took far too much of the ham, I'd say "oh hang on a moment XXX, you've not left enough for other people!" and then I would help her put some back.

And what TidyDAncer said about the snacks and cooking.

You don't have to make the "cook your own pasta" into a horrid thing. You could invite her into the kitchen to help cook, and give the pasta to look after. Or just say "I'm cooking XXX and I know you don't like it, would you like to come and make pasta for yourself, or do you want to try what we're having?".

I get a lot of visitors. If my dsis comes with her family there can be 9 or 10 of us. I would still cook a meal to suit the majority (her kids eat like horses) and if it was something dd was picky about, I would encourage her to try it, and maybe offer something on the side that I know she will eat. She is 7 though. If she was 13 I would tell her to sort herself out.

you do your thing let her do hers
meet for some things

do not comment under any circs

Btw, when my family get together we have the most awesome range of fussiness/health issues wrt food. And they're all different. We manage. You look around the table and no one has the same selection of food on their plate, and this is ok.

I wouldn't go on a holiday like this. Your niece and sister both sound like a PITA.

But what's wrong with telling her that all of the food is for sharing? She's 13 FGS, if she starts filling her plate up with all of the ham then just say "there's 12 of us here, make sure there's some left for us". If there's one ice cream each and she eats more than one then call her on it.

She is selfish and greedy and you all pander to it, that includes you. Why did you allow her to eat 4 screwballs at your house?

Why are you trying to ensure your kids get more junk? If they eat the meals it's not like they'll be going hungry.

This would drive me nuts OP. Fussy kids are so tiresome if it impacts on the others and a fussy 13 year old is not only annoying, but missing out on so much.

I would allocate a cupboard for crap ie crisps/cakes to each family and there's no way I'd agree to your sister's suggestions.

I wouldn't indulge her daughter, your sister is doing her no favours imo.

how long is the holiday for?

any chance of having a frank discussion with your sister?

otherwise i think your father should actually put his foot down as he's paying for the food and just say that everyone has an equal share of everything as that's what's fair!

i think everyone's been pussy footing around this for far too long.

At 14, so only a little older than your niece, I became vegetarian- I was allowed to do this as long as I cooked my own meals. If your niece wants different food, then she's old enough to cook it herself. It's utterly unreasonable to expect the whole family to eat only food that your niece likes. You don't all need to comment on it though- that surely can't help. Let her (or her mother) cook the different food, and then let everyone eat their dinner without commenting on anyone else's.

The rota idea is probably sensible, but everyone who wishes to cook should be allowed a turn. And cleaning jobs should be shared fairly too.

Can you come up with some sort of menu planner beforehand, so that everyone can make suggestions about what they'd like to cook?

Re meat- surely whoever is cooking the meat can put it onto plates, with some spare for the table, and then let everyone help themselves to veg?

Junk food- named boxes is a good idea, you can put your children's boxes away in your room and tell everyone that you want to keep an eye on how much they have each day- no need to mention your niece (I'm assuming that neither she nor her parents would be rude enough to root about in your things for it?)

It sounds like there are more important things going on in your family dynamics than your neices attitude to food. What are the underlying issues here?

is it necessary to buy loads of junk food? if it's such a big deal, don't buy any, then when you're out, treat everyone to an ice cream or sweets, buying for each person there and then.

Then everyone gets their treat, none lying around to get stressed over or stolen, then everyone can get something each day. Also means dn can't fill up on loads of crap just before a meal. If it ain't their, she can't eat it.

I would refuse absolutely to let your ds cook boring meals for the whole family just cos of your dn. Cannot imagine any other adult agreeing to it either?

We went to Florida on holiday and my neice is a fussy eater and we hardly ate out as there would never be anything she wanted to eat. 2 weeks with a small child dictating what we ate but my sister didn't pander to her with junk food. Pissed me right off and in fact sort of ruined the experience for me as I wanted to be out and trying different foods and not being stuck in from 6pm and as we were staying a drive from anywhere I didn't have a choice. I would seriously think about how you are going to do this as all hell is going to let loose. I would never go away with my family again unless I could go do what I wanted and not be controlled by childrens eating habits.

I would not pander to my own children in that way, and definitely not to someone else's 13 year old!

I agree with ErnesttheBavarian. I would not have temptation lying around the house, junk food problem solved.

Wrt mealtimes, I would do the rota of who cooks, make sure there is a variety of food available, everyone eats from the variety that is offered. (And in my house I always make sure there is at least one thing on the table that each child will eat). But, if you're only going to eat one thing, that doesn't mean you get to pig all of it!

Perhaps your niece would be more willing/likely to try new foods if she was actually hungry at mealtimes! I can't imagine that I would be that fussed about dinner if I had just wolfed down a tube of Pringles!