Advice on going on holiday with sis and niece over eating issues

[pingu2209]

I have typed a few subject headings but they all seemed quite explosive and I want advice rather than being shouted down, so I opted for a plain subject with detail in the message! I was the OP who started the fussy eating thread, so those of you who have read/taken part in that you may now understand why I started it.

My niece is 13 and an increadibly fussy eater. For the first 4-5 years she would eat anything, she was a human dustbin. However, over the past 8 years she has become more and more fussy over food. My sister and brother in law do not see it, I believe it is because they have adapted how they eat over the years so they end up only buying what she likes etc. But it drives the rest of the family mad as we end up selecting where and what we all eat based on purely her fussiness.

I have eaten with my sister and niece a lot, for Sunday roasts and bbqs etc. My husband and children think it is extremely unfair that my niece (their cousin) gets a huge portion of meat (because that is literally all she will eat) and they get a small portion with veg and potatoes. However, we put up with it because it is normally just one day.

When we get together my neice will eat secretly away from my children so that they don't get any of whatever she is eating - normally this is a whole tube of Pringles, or Jaffa Cakes or those yoghurty pudding things by Cadburies. I don't mind her doing this as I actually don't want them eating all that junk around meal times and they would nag for it if they saw their cousin eating it. However, when she comes to my house she often ends up eating far more than her fair share of the junk food, which has not gone unnoticed by my husband, children or myself. Once she ate 4 Screwball icecreams in one sitting - but they were supposed to be 1 each (1 for her and 1 each for my children).

For the first time ever I am going abroad on a self catering holiday with my father and step mother, brother and wife and son, sister and husband and daughter and my husband and children. There will be a lot of us!

In order to share the work load my sister has asked that there is a jobs rota. She has asked that she does the cooking and others do the cleaning etc. I asked to share all the jobs especially the cooking because I enjoy cooking (as does she, sister in law and step mother). My sister asked me what I would cook. I said I don't know but it is unlikely to be hot meals as it will be warm weather so it is most likely to be platters of food such as tomatoes, cucumber, lettuce, cheeses, ham, pate, freshly cut bread, dips, crudite etc.

My sister has said that her daughter won't eat that and she really only eats roast meat or pasta with Ragu sauce. Therefore, she would rather cook so that her daughter can eat with the family without there being any issues around the table with the family making comment over what her daughter eats (my sister is correct, we will all make comment over my niece's attitude to food). My sister said she would cook roast meats and pasta as this is pretty much all her daughter eats.

I said to my sister I wasn't happy with the cooking arrangement and if we shared the cooking, on the days she cooked her daughter could join in the family meal, but if she didn't like what was on offer from her step grandmother or aunties, then she could have pasta boiled up for her with some Ragu sauce poured over it.

To be frank, i don't want roast meat or pasta every day of the holiday!

I have not yet said this, but I would also like to ensure that all the children (and adults) get their fair share of the things like biscuits, ice cream, crisps etc. I want to suggest that when we buy something like biscuits or crisps etc, that the person who has opened them does not hoof down the lot of them. I can picture the scenario, 1/2 hour before lunch my niece opens the crisps (because my sister will let her) and she offers them to my children and everyone else. I will say no my children can't have any as we are soon to eat a meal. So she will then eat the lot, not saving my children's fair share.

Am I being unreasonable? Over controlling?

What do the others say ? Seems a bit rich for your sis to insist her opinion outweighs that of the 6 adults going. Frankly I wouldn't want to cook for that number anyway , it simply won't be practical. Salads and bbq/fresh meat or fish or eating out will be more so, preferably leaving them to it. Tell her she can cater for her dd separately as and when needs be. If it is hot then most junk food won't last or be appetising and unless you are driving it is mad to take it with you, so "forget" to buy it on the supermarket runs.

TBH I can't think of a worse place than a family holiday to try and sort out your niece's eating habits. Of course you need to be fair to everyone (and 1 person eating all the treats is not fair) but trying to starve her into submission by limiting her access to the foods she will eat is not the way to do it either. So whether your dad buys more meat/crisps etc or her mum supplements the shopping for her daughter everyone needs to have enough of the foods they will eat or huge trouble will follow.

As for how/what your niece eats explain to your kids before you go that the rules are different for them, they will be able to handle that.

Finally, however ridiculous you think the situation is commenting on it is absolutely the worst thing you can do (I don't mean objecting when one person eats all the ice cream but rather commenting on your niece's pickiness).

I go on a big family holiday every year.

Before we head off to the supermarket (each family takes it in turns to go) we make a meal plan.

When in a hot country we have lots of barbecues (meat for your niece) with lots of salads. We also have a pasta night (with 13 of us we usually do 2 or 3 different sauces - one is usually very plain) and a pizza night. About every 3rd night we eat out and each family takes it in turn to decide the restaurant and make the booking.

It is a shame though, for your niece to be so set in her eating habit that she might miss the 'trying new foods' part of the holiday. If her mum wasn't around at mealtimes, do you think she'd have a go at other things? Can you shop without her there,and buy big tubs of ice cream and no Pringles (which have something in them to which I am addicted, so I don't buy them or I'd eat them all) My dd1 is 17 and has a few odd eating habits - but she has been on exchanges to France and Germany, and had two 3 week stays at Irish college - if she didn't eat, she'd starve in situations like that. Can you have a general chat about 'growing up and becoming independent' and bring in fussy food?

My sister is extremely protective over her daughter's eating. She doesn't see it as a problem. She thinks we are all wrong. The fact that it is white bread only - not even half and half. Or that the only cereal she will eat is Coco Pops, does not bother my sister in the least.

What annoys me is also that my niece will make funny faces like screwing her nose up or gaging noises when my children are served 'normal' food, that she does not like, for example fish pie.

I think I will speak to my dad about it.

how does your sis feel about it, I mean in terms of accepting it, or does she wish it would improve?

I find fussy eaters are more likely to experiment when eating with other kids, in a relaxed non-threatening environment, when
if there's a buffet type meal there must be something she will be happy to eat, then everyone's happy. If her mum panders to her, she may well be used to only ever seeing a narrow range of food. if it's there, presented with loads of other things, she might be more willing to try.

And I repeat, no way under the circs would I have a stash of junk in the house.

sorry, posted then saw you said ds doesn't see the problem. Well, it is if she thinks all of you should change your eating habits for her. Doesn't she get sick of eating spag boll??

If she opens a packet of pringles or crisps just before teatime, why not take it and put a few in a bowl for her, and put the rest back in the cupboard?

And it is far more reasonable to cook/provide different, interesting meals for the other people in the party, and make a bit of pasta and ragu for her than it is to expect everyone to eat only pasta or roast meat for the whole holiday.

OP, I would speak to your dad and step-mother in advance. If grandparents lay down the rules parents are often less likely to complain. Your dad is treating everyone and therefore completely entitled to control treats etc.

What would happen if you wanted to go to a restaurant? If your sister doesn't see her daughter's eating behaviour as abnormal she must be very lacking in awareness.

Well personally I wouldn't go, it sounds like a tortuous endurance test rather than a holiday. But you seem to be intent on going so I think yes, speak to your dad.

You say he will not (for example) buy enough ham for your niece to eat what he would expect 9 adults to eat, leaving only 3 portions. Unless you all enjoy gritting your teeth and muttering about each other then some sort of discussion will have to take place, even if it is just you mentioning it to your dad.

I think catering may need to be done separately or almost completely separately

There will certainly need to be clarity wrt quantities and also snack buying. Would your dad (if he is insistent on buying all snacks) give you and your sister the money so you could buy your own snacks to be stored separately at the accommodation? Say £5-£10 per child or whatever seems reasonable. Then if your sister/niece feels that they need to spend £80 on niece for example, they just top up what your dad buys.

I would do what most others have suggested - have 2 meals, every mealtime, basically. Sister cooks the roast/pasta, you do salads & other stuff. It will make a nice-looking table, allow everyone to have what they want and also be good for grazing, which older kids tend to do anyway ime.

I wouldn't do this behind your sister's back, as it were; I'd discuss it first with all the other adults, but in a "So this is what we'll be doing" sort of way.

I've looked after families where EVERY child had a different evening meal, and the adults had yet another one again. I was horrified by the idea - I'm used to everyone eating the same meal together - but it was nothing like as troublesome as I'd expected.

Wrt to snacks & treats, I think you'll have to advise your DC of the likely problem, and take them out for treats. Maybe stash some extras in your wardrobe or something

It's sad to hear of a 13-year-old with what sounds like quite a severe eating disorder. Turning it/her into a problem certainly won't help any.

For goodness sake, you are really looking for a fight here and there need not be one at all.

1. sis and niece are being ridiculous but then many families are like that - stop making comments and winding her up when clearly she won't change. Leave them to it.
2. Challenge the behaviour that directly affects you and your kids without having a row ie "we feel like having cold meats tonight, but you can have something else if you prefer" or " no x isn't allowed any crisps now, thanks, but i'll take some out for her to have later"
3. if the niece eats all the junk food then go out and buy some more for your own kids - kep a secret stash in your room if you like so that they won't miss out

Stop being so hung up on what your niece and sister are doing wrong - ffs eating white bread and coco pops is not a crime. Just take subtle steps to ensure that you and your kids are not affected.

Clearly your sister is not going to compromise so if you want to avoid total disaster then you need to subtley manage things, and that can only happen if you give over criticising her.

I would speak to your sis to lay ground rules before you go- speak to your dad first. I would say that you will not bring up her DC's eating habits IF she speaks to her child about making comments on what other people are eating. This is very rude imo and all part of her being centre of attention (probably best not to mention this though)

My older son was a bit of a picky eater but was certainly never allowed to have more treats than his brother or the children of family and friends - he just wouldn't have expected it. I'm pretty shocked to read that your sister thinks that this behaviour is OK. Apart from the eating issues is isn't a good idea to allow a child (or anyone) to believe that the world revolves around them and they are entitled to have their own way all the time.

Enlist the help of the other adults in the family to get some ground rules before you go. Everyone should have a fair say in what kind of food is eaten and how it is distrubuted.

Holidays should be about relaxing and enjoying yourself. I can tell you are already quite stressed at the thought of this holiday, which is a shame. Make a pact with your own children to have a good time regardless - you deserve it.

Don't let the food issues get you down - if you make up your mind to have a good time you will have a good time.

I think YABU. Only because your dad is paying for the food so it is up to him to pull your neice if he eats it all. If he doesn't say anything you'll just have to buy some treats for your kids yourself.
Also as you are on holiday I don't think it would hurt to relax a little and let your kids eat some crap - even if it's nearly a mealtime.

You are not going to be able to 'fix' the issues with your neice and nor is it your place to do so. No one should be commenting on her eating, that is just nasty.

Having said that, you can't have your holiday ruined by it. I would insist on turns to cook, that is only fair. Neice can cook own pasta as others have said if she chooses. I would plate up all meat and leave everything else to help yourself. We now do that in our family as it has got bigger and each sub family has their own culture. If you leave it to help yourself we found some would take a little, expecting to go back later but someone else would see everyone has some and scoff all the rest. We also have a family member with mental health issues that means they are liable to take all the meat. Works well. If you don't want to make a big deal of it, go out to the kitchen and say 'it works best for my lot if I plate their meat' and take theirs before anyone else gets started.

With the junk I think you are going to get obsessed if you keep tabs on her. Accept there might not be a lot of junk going this holiday and make sure you get your share of sweet things by buying things that are puddings for after meals and icecreams/cakes etc whilst out and about. I think the tupperware idea will make you look a loon.

You all sound as bad as each other.

Just prepare a buffet type meal every night where people can have what they want.

Yes your Sis/neice have food issues but going by your massively long list so do you. It is not normal to obsess over what someone else is eating. You can't solve this problem so step back and concentrate on your own children.

I have been on holiday with all of my 10 neices and nephews at some point and I couldn't tell you what they ate. I also couldn't have cared less if they ate shite all day as, frankly, that is not my problem.

I don't think you should go. You are going to get upset at the first sign of all the biscuits being eaten. Then you will constantly be checking the cupboards to make sure your share of the crisps is still there. You will umm and ahh over where to hide the cake. You will be sharing glaring looks with your dh at meal times when all the ham gets snaffled. You will be a nervous wreck by day 3!

CrackFox and BestNameEver - I think you are being very hard on the OP. It's not just about what her niece eats - it's her sister's assumption that everyone else should eat the same so that the niece can feel that she is fitting in.

AIso, it might be easy for some adults not to notice or care what others are eating, but children do notice and feel aggrieved if they feel treats are not given fairly.

The op should parent her won children and leave her sis to parent her DD.

How anyone can remember who ate a sodding packet of jaffa cakes is anyones guess.