Husband of a friend telling off my child

[900cherry]

I was invited out this morning with some neighbours who are good friends. The husband is known to be snappy and to have little patience with his own children.
In the space of an hour, he told my 4 year old daughter to 'stop whining' and in a cafe, he snapped at her to 'OI, STOP THAT' when she kicked him under the table ( she was doing it playfully). My daughter burst into tears and came and sat on my lap. When his wife, who is a good friend, commented to him to calm down, he agressively responded 'Its not my problem if she's crying cos I told her off for not kicking me. She can deal with it'.

She is 4.

I said nothing as I didn't want to upset his wife, who I know was mortified.

I really want to email him tomorrow to tell him how inappropriate and uncalled for it was. AIBU? What would you do?

PS. The ironic thing is, he has an obnoxious daughter who is really badly behaved and I say nothing!

or....what morloth said ^

It's never clever to speak to kids angrily.

fella said it angrily - and THAT'S what offended the OP

It doesn't really matter how he did it and whether she was offended.Parents can only control themselves and not everyone who comes into contact with their DC. There is nothing wrong in DCs learning that some people are less tolerant, more short tempered than their parents-or even more laid back-it takes all sorts and DCs will meet them.
I shouldn't think that he would take much notice of an email-he got the desired effect-your DD will watch what she does next time she sees him!

It maybe not a popular opinion, but I think all adults are responsible to help raise the next generation. This is why there are so many problems with youths because they don't have any respect for other adults and don't have anyway with dealing with apart from derision and occasionally violence. OP he sounds like he got kicked and exclaimed on the spur of the moment too harshly. And your dd was shocked and came crying to you. She should apologise for the kicking, which will probably end up with him apologising as well for over reacting.
Don't forget you have a natural tendency to protect/back your dd up. Don't let that go to far if she is in the wrong.
yabu

"My daughter burst into tears and came and sat on my lap"

At this point your daughter should have been firmly put back on her seat, with a quick explanation as to why she had been shouted at. Letting her sit on her your knee only rewarded her bad behaviour.

^^ what they said

"It doesn't really matter how he did it and whether she was offended."

I think it DOES matter.

There's no need to tell someone else's child off ANGRILY.

Firm is OK.

Angrily? It could be that op overreacted. When her daughter was 'threatend'

Jackin, I totally agree. In other cultures it is quite normal for other adults to tell other children off and even discipline them if they are naughty.
I wouldn't want another child kicking me at the table, In fact I would be pretty annoyed and I wouldn't expect my daughter to do it to anither adult.
How do you know the guy doesnt have a problem with his leg? I would shout if someone kicked me in the leg because I have previous DVT and blood clots in it and it would bloody hurt.

The OP appears to be very clear about this guy addressing her dd angrily.

In this case he was unnecessarily aggressive, but I don't disagree in principle with adults telling off other people's kids.

So regardless of provocation no adult should ever be angry with a child.
Ever?

Blimey.

Children are going to be very confused if they never see anger in an adult until they themselves reach adulthood.

If my dcs made me angry they saw that I was angry because I was....well...angry.

Kicking me may well have done that.

But perhaps if it was fluffy playful kicking which is, of course, like the sweet kisses of frolicking faries I may just giggle.

YABU

She kicked him, you didn't see it you don't know how hard it was. And if it was "playfully" as you say, then that means you know she was sitting there kicking an adult under the table?

And putting her on your knee and pandering to her attention seeking? Nonsense.

I have been around children a long time (I'm old) and there is nothing more guaranteed to get right up my nose than a child whining and whinging when we're out doing something nice - I have no patience with whining.

If you find this man so aggressive and bad tempered and his daughter obnoxious, what the actual fuck did you go out with them for?

Maybe best to keep it to mid week coffees with the wife in future.

Id be supportive of the mans reaction to my 2yr old let alone a 4yr old!
With shoes on, even a gental kick can hurt. Im sure your dd will come out of this without any scars but a important leason!

I would be angry, Ivor is right you don't know how hard she kicked, or even if she caught him in or near his balls. Kids have an uncanny ability to get you right in the privates. This is just a fact of life. Or she could have been kicking him for a while and he lost his temper. None of us know for sure not even the op.

Hits the 'like' button at fuckme's post

mmm yes, I must be an absolute troll - I have been angry at a child before.

Yes it's true our children will see us angry from time to time.

"I don't disagree in principle with adults telling off other people's kids.". So what happens when you are not there? When your DC are at school or at another child's house? What should the adult in charge do then if your child is misbehaving? Just smile and let that bad behaviour continue? As someone said earlier in the thread, it takes a village to raise a child and that includes the good stuff and the not so good stuff. It is a fact of life that some people are nice and some are less so. Children need to learn this - it is all part of growing up and learning.

I would be mortified if my own DD1 had kicked a friend's husband so that he had to tell her off - and tbh, 'oi stop that' is pretty bloody mild. I would have apologised to the husband and told DD1 off myself and got her to apologise.

Children need boundaries. Not kicking (however playfully ) is one of them.

...but this guy was overly aggressive - and there's no need for that.

Gah, so sorry...read it as 'don't agree in principle...'

OP, I would be livid if someone else told my child off in an unkind way. It's not the way we do discipline in our family, and I don't expect other people to do it either.

I would NEVER tell someone elses child off. If they kicked me under the table I would probably rub my leg and do a bit of an exaggerated 'ouch' to point out what was happening to the child's parents, then I would GET OVER IT, because I'm an adult, not a 4 year old.

As for telling some one elses child to 'stop whinging'. I think it must have been pretty scary for the OP's daughter to be disciplined in a way which was very different from what she was used to, and by someone who wasn't her parent.

Discipline does NOT mean the same thing as punishment. It is appropriate and effective discipline to say, in a nice voice, ' it's not kind to kick, please don't do it', and it sounds like that is what the OP would have done, as soon as she knew about the kicking.

It is not appropriate to frighten a child into behaving. Also, it was only a bloody kick...she didn't take a run up at him. It sounds to me that she kicked him in that way that children have of trying to get the attention of people they look up to but are maybe shy around. I know that sounds a bit , but I think sometimes little kids don't know how to appropriately get the attention of those adults and just need gentle guidance.

Yes it sounds like he just isn't good with kids. From what the Op said his own isn't very nice. But there are all sorts of people in the world and sooner or later you're going to come up against one sort or another. This is called life.

Carey - discipline? In a kind voice?

I have The Look of Doom and the Grip of Death (used to remove a child round the corner when they need ticked off)

Discipline in a kind voice I Do Not Do.

She also could have kicked him because he told her to stop whining earlier. Some people do push things just to get a reaction even when it's not going to be one they'll like.

I don't think that a man telling a child off is 'punishment' Carey!
I'm sorry but I disagree. If I told my Dc to 'please don't do that honey bunny', she would probably laugh at me. If I tell her firmly and assertively she would take more notice. Yes, lets treat our kids with respect but in the meantime don't lose your own!
It's only a kick? Is it ok then for the child to go around kicking people from now on? Mummy isn't that bothered so yes, I will continue doing it!
Kids are not stupid, don't patronise them!

Oh and fuckme great name by the way