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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband of a friend telling off my child

799 replies

900cherry · 19/06/2011 23:16

I was invited out this morning with some neighbours who are good friends. The husband is known to be snappy and to have little patience with his own children.
In the space of an hour, he told my 4 year old daughter to 'stop whining' and in a cafe, he snapped at her to 'OI, STOP THAT' when she kicked him under the table ( she was doing it playfully). My daughter burst into tears and came and sat on my lap. When his wife, who is a good friend, commented to him to calm down, he agressively responded 'Its not my problem if she's crying cos I told her off for not kicking me. She can deal with it'.

She is 4.

I said nothing as I didn't want to upset his wife, who I know was mortified.

I really want to email him tomorrow to tell him how inappropriate and uncalled for it was. AIBU? What would you do?

PS. The ironic thing is, he has an obnoxious daughter who is really badly behaved and I say nothing!

OP posts:
Morloth · 20/06/2011 05:23

Did she stop whining and kicking?

Yes?

Sorted.

NEEEEEEXT!

Kiwimumm · 20/06/2011 05:23

It just sounds like you need to be more firm with your own parenting, whether it be your DD or his! Don't email him, that just would be starting something. He wouldn't apologise sincerely, he would probably justify his actions and make you end up feeling more annoyed

lifechanger · 20/06/2011 05:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Laquitar · 20/06/2011 05:38

In the end of the day if you are so concerned about your dd getting upset and hurt it is better to focus on how she responds.

Teach her to apologise when she has been wrong and to accept that other people are not always in 'playfull' mood too. But what you did? You took her on your lap! Great! Are you going to sent e-mails everytime she gets upset by someone?

I cannot understand why some people want to bring up drama-queens, everybody gets bored of them, they are unhappy and make others unhappy too.
Having said that, Zeus you are out of order.

Laquitar · 20/06/2011 05:39

sorry, x-post lifechanger

Stangirl · 20/06/2011 06:03

YABU

I'd be mortified by my child kicking someone else. My DD is in a very grabby stage at the moment eg she rakes her finger nails down people's faces, and I've told all my friends to tell her off quite sternly if she does it to them - and to put her down. I am completely comfortable with other people helping to discipline my child and teach her appropriate behaviour.

jerryg · 20/06/2011 06:24

YANBU. She is four ffs. No need at all to shout so agressively at someone elses little girl. A loud enough to hear 'ow' and let the parent take it from there is sufficient. Telling someone elses child to stop whining is just rude and would piss me off too.

lazydog · 20/06/2011 06:28

I'm sorry but another YABU here...

Sounds like your daughter needed someone to reprimand her and you weren't doing it because you were oblivious to the kicking. Obviously the ideal scenario would have been for him to quietly ask you to get her to stop doing it, but that's not necessarily a realistic expectation if he'd just been booted playfully in the shin!

As for him scaring her - do you think she was genuinely scared by him (as in, made afraid of him) or was she simply startled by his sudden shout (which, like I said, was not ideal)? I'd bet it's done no long term harm to her opinion of him...other than not seeing him as someone to kick in future! Grin

microserf · 20/06/2011 06:35

Doesn't it really depend how he did it?

I'd tell off a child that kicked me, but I wouldn't shout at the child. I wouldn't tell off someone else's child for whining, but I would sit there fervently praying that the parent would.

It sounds like it was more a matter of how he handled it.

Either way, I don't think an email is going to help at all. I'd leave it, but I wouldn't be lining up to go out with them again.

exoticfruits · 20/06/2011 06:48

Children have to get used to different discipline styles. Anyone can tell your DC off, it is a complete myth that only the parent can do it. She was upset, all you have to do is say to her 'he is a bit short tempered, best to keep out of his way' and forget it.

Georgimama · 20/06/2011 06:55

Children playfully kick all the time, heck I know some adults that do it. If an adult had kicked him, what should he have said? He would probably have made his point with some self-control and he should have afforded your child the same respect.

Really?? I don't know any adults who "playfully" kick under the table. If one did it to me I'd ask if they thought they were four. There might be swearing involved. If an actual four year old did it "oi stop that!" would be entirely in order.

Now I understand who is responsible for all these over entitled little horrors who whack/kick other children and adults with impunity, all the while smiling angelically - the sort of people like the OP and her supporters. They know their idolising parents basically think the world should be grateful for the attention bestowed by their darlings.

Lovebendicks · 20/06/2011 07:03

YABU & very precious, your dd behaved badly was reprimanded & cried when caught out. Tough! Are you sure your friend was mortified by her husbands reprimand or by knowing you wouldn't deal with your dds bad behaviour yourself

exoticfruits · 20/06/2011 07:09

I don't see why it was inappropriate and it certainly seems called for. If his DD is obnoxious why put up with it? Stop her. It takes a village to raise a DC.

baskingseals · 20/06/2011 07:09

op I really think you should read 'The Slap'

it's so appropriate for this situation

Animation · 20/06/2011 07:19

Saying "Oi stop that" is OK, but NOT if it's said with a BIG ANGRY FACE on.

It's never clever to speak to kids angrily.

This fella said it angrily - and THAT'S what offended the OP.

Angry and firm are NOT one and the same.

mumblechum1 · 20/06/2011 07:25

If you don't discipline your child appropriately and every time they misbehave,you will end up with a brat whom nobody likes.

Children depend on their parents to teach them how to get on in the world with other people, and you do them no favours by letting them piss off other people imo.

sausagesandmarmelade · 20/06/2011 07:26

Have you been on the receiving end of playful kicking?

How do you feel about playful hitting or playful throwing of things?

You should have been telling your child off....however, where a parent neglects to discipline his/her child then I think it's perfectly ok for adults to tell them off.

Chandon · 20/06/2011 07:32

he was a bit OTT, maybe, but and e-mail woudl make you a very odd person I guess.

Ephiny · 20/06/2011 07:38

YABU, do you expect people just to sit and smile politely while your child kicks them? I would probably have reacted exactly the same way, especially if the parent wasn't doing anything to discourage the behaviour.

Has she started school yet? How do you think it will go down when she starts 'playfully' kicking her teachers?

Laquitar · 20/06/2011 07:41

He could reply to the e-mail saying that he told her off.....playfully Wink

Ephiny · 20/06/2011 07:54

I agree the email would be a bit weird - it was a fairly minor incident and it's in the past now. If you had a problem you should have said so at the time.

Omigawd · 20/06/2011 07:57

Your child is the most beautiful little flower - to you. A child who kicks and whines is a brat to others. I wish more people would speak out.

Groovee · 20/06/2011 08:09

Kicking hurts regardless of it being "playful" or deliberate. If your dd had kicked me she'd have been told off by me too as I hurt whenever someone hugs me never mind being kicked.

Ishani · 20/06/2011 08:14

My 5 year old playfully kicked her legs around and caught another child who promtly punched her in the mouth. Now that was an over reaction but a hint of what could be ahead for leg swingers if not brought into line early.

caramelwaffle · 20/06/2011 08:19

900cherry - If you use "obnoxious" to describe their daughter, what word do you think your circle of friends are using to describe your daughter.

If you do not modify your attitude to discipline, in three or four years time you will be here bemoaning the fact that your daughter has been left out of the round of party/sleepover invites.

mumblechum1 Mon 20-Jun-11 07:25:16
"Children depend on their parents to teach them how to get on in the world with other people, and you do them no favours by letting them piss off other people imo."

Laquitar Mon 20-Jun-11 05:38:16
I cannot understand why some people want to bring up drama-queens, everybody gets bored of them, they are unhappy and make others unhappy too.