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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband of a friend telling off my child

799 replies

900cherry · 19/06/2011 23:16

I was invited out this morning with some neighbours who are good friends. The husband is known to be snappy and to have little patience with his own children.
In the space of an hour, he told my 4 year old daughter to 'stop whining' and in a cafe, he snapped at her to 'OI, STOP THAT' when she kicked him under the table ( she was doing it playfully). My daughter burst into tears and came and sat on my lap. When his wife, who is a good friend, commented to him to calm down, he agressively responded 'Its not my problem if she's crying cos I told her off for not kicking me. She can deal with it'.

She is 4.

I said nothing as I didn't want to upset his wife, who I know was mortified.

I really want to email him tomorrow to tell him how inappropriate and uncalled for it was. AIBU? What would you do?

PS. The ironic thing is, he has an obnoxious daughter who is really badly behaved and I say nothing!

OP posts:
mayorquimby · 20/06/2011 01:05

"Joyszasz, mmm I think you could be right. I don't buy it either, unless we are actually living in 1800s!"

I love it when people pick out the 1/2 people who agree with them and use that as validation of their logic and rightness, everyone else is lying or insane.
What makes it even better is the "mmmm i think you could be right" as though you've really wrestled with the issue, taken all points of view with equal value and objective assesment and you know what, you've been swayed by joyszasz p.o.v.. You definitely came in with an open-mind and were willing to be told you were wrong but coincidentally the one dissenting argument which supports the position that you had prior to starting the thread is by far the most reasonable.

Laquitar · 20/06/2011 01:09

I knew the OP will mention Victorians. Always happens in this kind of threads Grin

JoySzasz · 20/06/2011 01:11

dogsbest ...I stand by what I said.

Typing that you would be cool with something,is very different to RL.

I just can't believe so many adults would really be that fed up about a little girl kicking them under the table?

In the grand scheme of things ...it matters so little ...it seems it is hard for many adults to remember to be kind to a little human Confused

I accept I am in the minority with my 'out there' ideals :)

BitOfFun · 20/06/2011 01:14

Yes, Mayorquimby, this is truly a classic of the genre Grin

DogsBestFriend · 20/06/2011 01:15

Well you'll have to believe it from this particular poster I'm afraid, Joy. I can assure you that I'm not lying or saying something which is different to how I would act if I were in the shoes of the man in the OP.

I stand by what I said too. The OP is BU and I would be that fed up of a child kicking me.

JoySzasz · 20/06/2011 01:19

Sorry,dogsbest ...it is not for me to judge or say how you would behave.

But,I am shocked that my opinion is in the minority...and I am not even that nice Grin most of my friends are more easy going than I am (with little ones!)

Oh well...

DogsBestFriend · 20/06/2011 01:20

I'm sure you're far nicer than me Joy. :) I hold my hands up to an intolerance to small children - my own were all I could find pleasure in and they're older now.

BitOfFun · 20/06/2011 01:22

I didn't even like my own at that age, Dog Grin

ilovesooty · 20/06/2011 01:32

it seems it is hard for many adults to remember to be kind to a little human

Get the vomit bucket out.

No, I don't think most people would feel it necessary to be "kind" to a "little human" kicking them. A short sharp reprimand gets the message home much more effectively.

cherrysodalover · 20/06/2011 01:38

I bet she won't kick under the table like that again so as scary as it is when big people are harsher than we are it might be a good thing she learns that such behaviour is going to get a disapproving response.

JoySzasz · 20/06/2011 01:41

ilovesooty grow-up please.

We are kind of done.

See if you can find some old sooty episodes on youtube...it won't be too challenging I promise.

SouthStar · 20/06/2011 01:44

You say this couple are your friends, you talk about him like crap and slate their "obnoxious" daughter...... nice friend you are!!
You say your dd adores him so obviously they have spent time together before so im assuming he hasnt reacted like this before..... so get over it. Im sure your dd wont kick him again, job done!

As for emailing him...you will look like a prat! If you dont want other people correcting your dd's behavior then you need to keep a closer eye on her as kicking people isnt a great way to behave.
Kicking people playfully... why do you think thats acceptable? Its rude!

BitOfFun · 20/06/2011 01:45

I must have missed the memo that made you the boss, Joy Grin

JoySzasz · 20/06/2011 01:47

bitofFun Grin you are right.

I just gave myself a little promotion didn't I ?

5DollarShake · 20/06/2011 02:06

"I am stunned how many people on here focused on the fact that she kicked (which is not OK btw!) rather than how he responded to it and actually frightening her."

People are focusing on the fact that she kicked, since that's what started everything off...! Surely?!

OK, picture the scene. You're a parent of a young child or children. Your daily life revolves around them and their needs - it's the way it is, you get on with it. One nice weekend morning you wake up and decide to risk it go out for brunch, taking the DC with you and do something nice, and reminiscent of the days of yore, pre-DC when you could do this sort of thing at the drop of a hat.

You get there, order your food, relax into your cup of coffee when someone else's brat PFB darling little one starts whining. A little later, just as you're tucking into your eggs Benedict, said darling starts "playfully" kicking you under the table.

No. Just no. Grin Sorry - but if I'm out for one of those rare non-child-focused treats that is dining out, then the thought of some child kicking me "playfully" under the table would drive me to despair. An irrational over-reaction? Almost certainly. But still, it would.

Would I personally say something? I dunno, probably not because I'm a total wuss, but I would be seething with resentment inside at the annoying (read: NOT fun and playful) child. Grin I certainly wouldn't fault someone else for saying something.

OP - you're perfectly in your rights to be miffed by this, but so is everyone else within the rights to think you're being overly precious. If you don't want others telling off your child, you either need a 100% perfectly behaved child, or you need to watch her like a hawk to ensure you get in their first.

ByTheBeardOfZeus · 20/06/2011 02:09

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

BitOfFun · 20/06/2011 02:19

Joy, it suits you Grin.

SouthStar · 20/06/2011 02:25

ByTheBeardOfZeus nice choice of words. Thats a 4yr old girl your talking about.... Feel big and clever now do we!?

JoySzasz · 20/06/2011 02:26

SouthStar I reported it .

CheerfulYank · 20/06/2011 03:52

Worra, what are you talking about? I'm an American and wouldn't allow my son to kick anyone. Hmm

OP, he might have been out of order if he indeed did shout, but you're coming off a bit precious. I think a firm "Oi, stop kicking" was well in order.

Zeus , she's a small child for heaven's sake. Language!

iscream · 20/06/2011 04:54

Maybe your dd won't think it is acceptable to kick again now.
He didn't hurt her. There are sometimes negative consequences to ones actions, she just learned that.
Did she apologize to him?

dinosaurinmybelly · 20/06/2011 04:56

OP I too am absolutely astonished at the responses you are getting. I can see people justifying themselves by jumping on the old " I wouldn't let my child kick anyone" bandwagon. A child of 4 needs consistent behavioral guidelines and these need to be repeated plenty of times before they can never slip up so to speak. Children playfully kick all the time, heck I know some adults that do it. If an adult had kicked him, what should he have said? He would probably have made his point with some self-control and he should have afforded your child the same respect. I'm not surprise she cried, and I can understand your motivation for not saying something at the time, but it sounded like your friend is aware of his bad temper and so perhaps next time you could respond by letting I'm her you tell your daughter that shouting at people is not acceptable either.
There was an article recently in the NY Times about how our society is becoming increasingly intolerant of children and judging by some of the responses on here that is shockingly true.

sunnydelight · 20/06/2011 05:05

YABU. There is nothing wrong with telling a child to stop kicking you, you seem to be trying to paint a picture around the incident to get sympathy.

IWouldNotCouldNotWithAGoat · 20/06/2011 05:20

"But she was kicking him playfully."

Thanks for the laugh!

thumbwitch · 20/06/2011 05:23

YABU. Your daughter shouldn't have kicked him, however "playfully" Hmm. So he frightened her because he shouted - hardly the end of the world, is it? If he'd slapped her, you'd have a legitimate complaint. As it is, either learn to keep your DD in check yourself so this won't arise again; or put up with other parents telling her to behave.