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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband of a friend telling off my child

799 replies

900cherry · 19/06/2011 23:16

I was invited out this morning with some neighbours who are good friends. The husband is known to be snappy and to have little patience with his own children.
In the space of an hour, he told my 4 year old daughter to 'stop whining' and in a cafe, he snapped at her to 'OI, STOP THAT' when she kicked him under the table ( she was doing it playfully). My daughter burst into tears and came and sat on my lap. When his wife, who is a good friend, commented to him to calm down, he agressively responded 'Its not my problem if she's crying cos I told her off for not kicking me. She can deal with it'.

She is 4.

I said nothing as I didn't want to upset his wife, who I know was mortified.

I really want to email him tomorrow to tell him how inappropriate and uncalled for it was. AIBU? What would you do?

PS. The ironic thing is, he has an obnoxious daughter who is really badly behaved and I say nothing!

OP posts:
SecretNutellaFix · 19/06/2011 23:49

Would you rather he had kicked her back?

bubblecoral · 19/06/2011 23:49

But again, that's the whole point of teaching her not to kick people. Not only is it not noce because it hurts, but you don't know how other peopel are going to react. She learned today that she shouldn't kick people because it might make them very angry.

Why is that so bad?

What would she have learned if he just ignored it?

I don't think anyone is saying that it's ok for him to be overly agressive, but you are justifying what she did by calling it playfull, and then saying that you should be the only one to tell her off. And most people think you are wrong to do that, which is what they are focussing on.

MrsRhettButler · 19/06/2011 23:49

I don't think it's his place to snap at her or to tell her to stop whining, he does sound bad tempered but I think the reason you are getting so many yabu's is because you kind of sound like you were condoning the kicking and not telling her off yourself.
It can be super annoying if a child is being annoying and the parent does nothing to stop it so maybe that's why he snapped?

I do tell off other peoples dc but I do it in a nice way

Original poster
900cherry · 19/06/2011 23:50

We both apologised!

OP posts:
cat64 · 19/06/2011 23:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

CRS · 19/06/2011 23:52

I said to my son's friend today "Another word like that and you will be going home, do you understand?" Would that be OK with you, OP? He had told me that he thought our house was "small and rubbish". And he said it playfully. With a smile.

TheSecondComing · 19/06/2011 23:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

snailoon · 19/06/2011 23:54

There are gentle, playful ways to let a child know she needs to stop some silly behaviour. What about catching her foot and saying "Oh my goodness what on earth is this?" Then if she keeps on kicking, whispering to her conspiratorially "oh please please could you give me a little break from the kicking?" This was obviously not painful or vicious kicking, but silly/ annoying kicking.
There's a big difference.

Clary · 19/06/2011 23:55

I told a mate of DS2's he was lying the other week!

I watched him kick a football over the fence, told him to try to keep it down (it's a regular occurence) and he said, it wasn't me, it was DS1.

I told him I had seen him doing it and putting the blame on someone else was a lot worse than kicking the ball over the fence by accident.

I'm wondering if that would be OK OP? He didn't cry (he's 9) but he didn't come round to play for a few days.

funnypeculiar · 19/06/2011 23:56

Totally agree with Mrs RhettButler.

By defining her kicking as 'playful' (despite, iirc, not having seen it - as presumably if you'd have seen it, you'd have told her to stop?) you set yourself up as Parent Who Thinks Her Child Can Do No Wrong.

Email won't help anything, and will loose you a friend - assuming you like the wife (trust us here).

BeerTricksPotter · 19/06/2011 23:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

worraliberty · 19/06/2011 23:57

snailoon what about if it fucking hurt and after putting up with the child's whinging, you just weren't in the mood to pander to her? Hmm

Original poster
900cherry · 19/06/2011 23:57

Clary, I think talking straight with a 9 year old is a bit different. I'm with you on that.

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 19/06/2011 23:58

Snail- that sounds like an invitation to be continually tormented to me, and not really very instructive for the child who might end up kicking the wrong person next time and getting a nasty shock when it isn't appreciated.

Pictish · 19/06/2011 23:58

Snailoon - get away with you!

PotPourri · 19/06/2011 23:58

YABU. He was grumpy, yes. There are peopel like that in the world. And they get grumpy especially when kicked.

Clary · 19/06/2011 23:58

That's a relief. Grin

JoySzasz · 19/06/2011 23:59

He sounds like a total ass.

That was no way to speak to a small girl ...I am not surprised you feel so fed-up.

I am surprised how many posters on here don't see why it would hurt.

When I think of all the shit( from other kids) I have had to deal with ...I still would NEVER talk to another persons child that way!

Sorry op I understand :)

Original poster
900cherry · 20/06/2011 00:00

worraliberty who said 'it fucking hurt'? She is a little girl, who knows this (grown) man extremely well and actually adores him.

OP posts:
HipHopOpotomus · 20/06/2011 00:00

Bet your DD doesn't kick him again!
Some people are snappish.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 20/06/2011 00:01

snailoon - you are joking right? What kind of wet sap would talk like that to somebody kicking them? What kind of message is that even sending?

bubblecoral · 20/06/2011 00:01

Snailoon, I think what you have suggested is exactly the opposit of what an adult should do if a child is kicking them.

It's giving them positive, probably welcome attention for doing something that is clearly wrong, and leading them to believe that eveyone they kick should engage in a nice little conversation with them.

And how do you know it was illy and playful? You don't. It wasn't you he kicked! 4yo's are quite capable of kicking to be annoying, even if it was playful and silly they should be told not to do it because it hurts and people don't like it.

I really wouldn't want someone to give thte reaction you describe to my child if they kicked, it would confuse the message from me that you don't do it because people don't like it.

snailoon · 20/06/2011 00:01

The whole point of my comment is that it is possible to be playful and have a light touch. The "please please" whisper was meant to be a little joke, not to be pleading.
I'm just saying you can remind other people's kids not to be silly without barking at them.
If they are being cruel, or doing something dangerous, that's when you bark.

LolaRennt · 20/06/2011 00:01

4 year olds are actually quite clever, if your dd though he was an agressive bully (and had already been told off by him) she'd not have been kicking him

CRS · 20/06/2011 00:02

Right - it's bed time, but 900cherry - it does actually hurt when you get a kick from a person, however small, wearing shoes, and it sounds to me like he reacted quite naturally. I wouldn't email - if you don't like the way he treats your daughter, just don't spend time with him, I think.