Husband of a friend telling off my child

[900cherry]

I was invited out this morning with some neighbours who are good friends. The husband is known to be snappy and to have little patience with his own children.
In the space of an hour, he told my 4 year old daughter to 'stop whining' and in a cafe, he snapped at her to 'OI, STOP THAT' when she kicked him under the table ( she was doing it playfully). My daughter burst into tears and came and sat on my lap. When his wife, who is a good friend, commented to him to calm down, he agressively responded 'Its not my problem if she's crying cos I told her off for not kicking me. She can deal with it'.

She is 4.

I said nothing as I didn't want to upset his wife, who I know was mortified.

I really want to email him tomorrow to tell him how inappropriate and uncalled for it was. AIBU? What would you do?

PS. The ironic thing is, he has an obnoxious daughter who is really badly behaved and I say nothing!

OP - yabu
And whoever suggested that a man who tells a child not to kick him shouldn't be allowed to have charge of children is being unreasonable and really quite silly.

Imvho.

:) Passive aggressive smile :)

For some reason, this thread has made me cross and I'm not sure why!

My thinking is that if my child is being an irritating little madam and kicking somebody, I'd damn well stop it myself before the somebody had to stop it - and if I didn't stop it, or hadn't noticed it, I'd be embarrassed at not having dealt with it promptly and supportive of the somebody who had stopped it because I hadn't.

Wanders off muttering....

Kicks everybody - but playfully.

But Portaloo even the OP isn't saying her dd's behaviour didn't need addressing - it is the fact that someone else did it and not in the same way she would have that she is taking issue with.
Not sure what the example with your friend is going on abut either. You say you haven't addressed your dds behaviour because of the way your friend handled it. Did the behaviour need addressing? If not then what has his reaction got to do with it. And if it did it's a bit weird to not address your dds bad behaviour because of a friends reaction. Cutting off your nose to spite your face surely?
And lol at whoever said that men who snap at 4 yr old girls aren't to be trusted around kids - I totally agree and think think that the OP should contact ss immediately for the safety of his own kids - citing the evidence that he told a child off for kicking him

Ok,it is not the fact he told her not to kick...

it was the way he did it.

Because he was unable to keep in his adult and react kindly and firmly,I just wouldn't trust him not to explode.

dandy he was not aligned with the situation,his emotions took over -he 'forgot' he was dealing with, a child

I am very on top of things when out with my children,mainly because there are many adults who react like this man did unfortunately.

Why do some parents assume children come in to the world fully cooked and ready for action?

They need gentle, firm ,and consistant instruction to help them become kind and fair adults.

They need to be treated as humans and given respect in a way appropriate to their ages.

"When his wife, who is a good friend, commented to him to calm down, he aggressively responded 'Its not my problem if she's crying cos I told her off for not kicking me. She can deal with it'"

I think this is the bit that says it all about him, really.

Respect is earned, not given. The DD was misbehaving.

The OP's DD was kicking an adult, the OP was sitting right beside him and did nothing about it, the child had already been whining, the man used 3 words to tick her off.

Big Deal.

I'm sure if the OP wasn't making such a song and dance about it the DD would have forgotten long ago.

And the man's marriage is in trouble according the OP, he used to be her DDs favourite person or whatever and it's only recently he's changed, cut the guy some slack. And I've had a marriage fall apart and happy clappy family dinners with friends and family were torture at that time.

Maybe he was sharp, maybe he wasn't but he didn't smack the child, he didn't grab her leg and pull her, he ticked her off. Woop de doo dah.

Children have to be taught to behave in a socially acceptable way. The OP wasn't making sure her child behaved and so another ADULT in the scenario had to step in and tick her off.

(It's fuckmepinkandcallmerosie with her Wimbledon name change)

They need to be treated as humans....but addressed through a third party????

I don't think by the sound of it he lost it - that's the way he disciplines - which the OP already knew. A lot of parents will raise their tell off their kids when they are playing up and for a lot less than physical violence. As they find that much more effective and clear than a wishy washy 'kind' approach.

You've said it yourself - a lot of people behave like this man - and the majority on here think it is justified but obviously you are right and everyone else is wrong.

Joy I did not say you were bonkers, I said your assertion was bonkers. A world of difference and kind of illustrates perfectly how you read so much more in to something than is actually there. After all, how could I possibly know that you are bonkers based on a couple of your posts on here?!

Dolt is good.

Silly Sausage has just been proffered on another thread, I'm unsure of it's etymology, but it conveys the right intention of mild reprimand I feel.

Is dullard going too far?

To summarise my opinion- fine to tell friends kids off but not in snappy irritable way that suggests you think they're brats and rather unpleasant children, even if you do, unless you are intending to end the friendship.

If they are brats, try to pleasantly guide their behaviour with calm specific instructions and requests, and then bitch about them to your DH at bedtime.

Well My husband snaps at our DD and OMG I sometimes snap at her too!
Are we such terrible parents because we also have emotions that sometimes get out of control?
We do not swear,argue or shout at each other in front of her, we don't really do much of that anyway but to say you have constantly kept your cool with your kids Joy, I'm not quite sure I believe that one!

I can't believe I am admitting to this on mumsnet!!

thingsthatgo :) understood.

I wonder how calm some of the posters on here would be when actually being pummelled in the leg by a 4 year old who thought it was ever such a fun game?

Ivor you are clearly not to be trusted around kids.

Curious.. as the OP still hasn't said how she knows it was "playful" kicking (whatever that is) despite also saying that she didn't see it, does this mean that the child has previously "playfully" kicked someone? Or maybe been encouraged to play a game of kicking with the OP?

But Joy - if the OP's DD 'adores' the bloke in question, then presumably he is not generally a grumpy git? Yes, he probably snapped at her which isn't great but fundamentally she should not have been kicking him, even if he overreacted.

And anyone who uses the term 'playfully kicking' needs their head examining

Sorry OP haven't had time to read 26 pages, but I will tell off children who hurt, disrupt, damage me or my family IF their own parents won't say anything. I wonder what his wife was mortified about - his behaviour or yours for letting your daughter kick her husband.

YABU

I don't think your going to get an answer to that one.

ivor I don't always keep my cool, I have said as much earlier.

I make many mistakes and do many crappy things ...

But,in this type of instance (and similar) my reaction would have been very different.

you snapping at your DD is very different to another adult doing it.

Plus,I don't lie ...I speak as I find... always.

No, I figure as much. Can't hurt to ask though

:( Gruffalo I know I should not have said that. Please FGS don't say anything. Thank God for usernames!

thegruffalosma As I mentioned earlier in the thread, my now ex friend decided that my DD needed disciplining his way, and swung my DD around by her coat hood whilst roaring at her to walk in the direction we were walking in. Her crime - to turn to say hello to the birds.
Now, Is my friend right? Should my 18mnth old DD not be allowed to say hello bird if her mother thinks this is ok? I may have it completely wrong. I may think what my DD is doing is harmless, but clearly if I judge myself and my parenting decisions by what other people think, then I am wrong, it must be awfully bad behaviour for a child of that age to want to say 'hello bird'. I just didn't see that DD was being so naughty that a friend felt the need to virtually throttle my DD by swinging her around so fiercely by her coat hood, obviously because I didn't bother to do anything about it.

My friend must have realised I was a completely ineffectual parent and decided to tackle the situation his own way, because he thought my DD was badly behaved. He wouldn't have had his DS behaving that way. He decided DD was being badly behaved, so he dished out punishment that he decided was appropriate.

Perhaps if I'd continued being his friend, my DD would be terrified nervous wreck the type of child who is seen and not heard by now. (She is almost 3 btw) I'm sure my friend would have approved of that.

FWIW, this girl kicked this man, and that shouldn't be tolerated, I agree with that, but if we begin allowing everyone we know to aggressively discipline our DC when our DC don't meet the approval of the people we know, then that is not the kind of upbringing I want my DD to have.

christine there is no accounting for taste.

Maybe the op's DD no longer adores him?

Who knows?
Ideally ,I like my children to be around balanced people,I strive for this...I have not been let down thus far.

In life they will come across many wankers,I try to keep their childhoods free of them -the best I am able.

Your friend, Portaloo, though grabbed your child's coat - this man afaik didn't lay a hand on the OP's DD

That makes a difference. He snapped. He was short tempered. Big deal. The OP knows that's how he is that's what she said in her OP.

You don't know for certain what you would have done Joy

after reading through all 26 pages; my thoughts from the start (which haven't changed) is that god help your daughter later.

You have taught her that no matter what she is doing, no other person is allowed to speak to her about her behaviour. I have met a number of children like this at work - "you can't tell me what to do", "I'm going to get my mum to complain" for example when I ask pupils to put their phone away. In fact this happened today to another teacher at school by 2 year 8 students.

Think of it realistically; you are being 'playfully kicked' in the shins by a 4 year old do you really ignore her and wait to speak to her mum or do you stop the behaviour?

In terms of the man; I can not see what he did wrong/said wrong etc. He was being kicked by a child which wasn't his own and told her to stop it; so what?