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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband of a friend telling off my child

799 replies

900cherry · 19/06/2011 23:16

I was invited out this morning with some neighbours who are good friends. The husband is known to be snappy and to have little patience with his own children.
In the space of an hour, he told my 4 year old daughter to 'stop whining' and in a cafe, he snapped at her to 'OI, STOP THAT' when she kicked him under the table ( she was doing it playfully). My daughter burst into tears and came and sat on my lap. When his wife, who is a good friend, commented to him to calm down, he agressively responded 'Its not my problem if she's crying cos I told her off for not kicking me. She can deal with it'.

She is 4.

I said nothing as I didn't want to upset his wife, who I know was mortified.

I really want to email him tomorrow to tell him how inappropriate and uncalled for it was. AIBU? What would you do?

PS. The ironic thing is, he has an obnoxious daughter who is really badly behaved and I say nothing!

OP posts:
JoySzasz · 20/06/2011 18:45

Georgimama how so?

Why do you think she wouldn't have done anything?

If my child was annoying someone (even playfully) I would expect, actually demand they stop. I expect most educated parents would.

IN A NICER WAY Grin

maighdlin · 20/06/2011 18:48

OP sounds like the many mums i have encountered in my life whose children never do anything wrong at all. then slowly noone will have them near them, but "its not my child they are an angel wouldn't hurt a fly" even though they bully the shit out of other children, but they are never badly behaved no they are frustrated or just playing. the children grow up and end up in young offenders but they are never bad.

get a grip.

usualsuspect · 20/06/2011 18:51

Yes I find all 4 year olds that kick end up in borstal

TidyDancer · 20/06/2011 18:51

Oh dear. I'm coming to this late, but....oh dear.

From a fresh perspective....yes, the child needed telling off. The child was not being told off by the mother, so an adult in the party, who at one point was being kicked by the child, did it instead. Okay, fine. Nothing wrong with that at all. He raised his voice. Nothing wrong with that either.

I think the OP is wounded by what happened, which is understandably, but instead of attacking this man for what he did, the better thing to do would be to learn from the incident. Discipline your child when they are misbehaving and no one else will have to do it. Makes everything easier for everyone.

And JoySzasz, I hope you're joking. FFS, you're making this guy sound criminal, when he's on the whole done the OP a favour in telling her child off. He behaved like he did (reasonably, by the sounds of it) in front of the OP because she wasn't disciplining her own child. Presumably (hopefully), he would also have done the same if the OP wasn't there....

TidyDancer · 20/06/2011 18:52

understandably understandable

JoySzasz · 20/06/2011 18:52

maighdlin such insight ...Hmm

Pictish · 20/06/2011 18:52

"Persoanlly IMO the only I would expect to speak to children in terms like 'stop whinging' and ' Oi stop that' are people who have their children in Tescos in their pyjamas at 11pm whilst they are buying cider.
Maybe myself and 900cherry just know a 'nicer' sort of the person than the rest of you"

What a lot of tosh!!

Even people who are in Tesco at 9am for organic lentils tell their kids to 'stop whining' - what a stupid thing to say Mordechai! You twit!

JoySzasz · 20/06/2011 18:55

tidydancer I am not joking ,as well you know.:)

I have been around grown men that 'snap' at 4 year old girls. Presumably is not good enough.

They are to be avoided and never left in charge.

TidyDancer · 20/06/2011 18:59

I didn't think you were really, I just hoped you were.

I don't believe the man even sounds like he snapped, more than he told a child off for whining and then again for kicking him. The OP might not care for the tone of voice he used, but that neither means he snapped, nor that he was wrong. It sounds like she just didn't like him telling off her PFB.

People who discipline children in the absense of parental discipline are certainly not to be avoided and I have no problem whatsoever with them being in charge.

JoySzasz · 20/06/2011 19:01

Cool tidydancer good for you Grin

TidyDancer · 20/06/2011 19:02

Yes, it is. And I have a well behaved DS for it.

JamieAgain · 20/06/2011 19:04

I would not however expect or tolerate anyone, particularly not 'a friend', speaking to my child in this manner.

I clicked on here ready to give my opinion that it's fine for friends to tell your children off, and that I tell my friends children off and I expect mine to be told off when necessary, which I do.

I do not however expect my children to be snapped at by grumpy adults as if they are irritating brats (that's my job).
OP, occasionally MN seems to have collective madness on a thread and this is one of those occasions. In my real world, no one snaps with irritation at other people children, except their parents behind closed doors when they're very tired.

Friends firmly tell others peoples children what they should/ shouldn't be doing - for example 'come on Ben I asked you to tidy this away' and not 'get on with it.' and if a child kicked me I'd say 'ouch(if it hurt) don't kick me it hurts.'

Totally agree with this Mordechai

TidyDancer · 20/06/2011 19:08

MN is certainly capable of collective madness, but this is not one of those occasions, Jamie. There's a difference of opinion on this thread, but it wouldn't be anywhere near correct to suggest a collective madness is at play.

TidyDancer · 20/06/2011 19:09

Oh, and the same to MordechaiVanunu, the original owner of the quoted passage.

JamieAgain · 20/06/2011 19:10

Ok, well we agree to differ then ...

JoySzasz · 20/06/2011 19:10

tidydancer and I have 3 very well behaved children.

It is just a different approach I guess.:)

TidyDancer · 20/06/2011 19:10

Oh yes, definitely.

TidyDancer · 20/06/2011 19:10

Good for you.

ThingsThatGoBuzzInTheNight · 20/06/2011 19:13

Am loving the passive aggressive use of Smile on this thread. Grin

You know, I thought of the OP earlier and her 4 year old's selective entrance into school, when the head of the school DD1 is going to be starting in September called to offer her a place (yes, I'm very late, have had rather a lot on). The head said, "well I guess your wait is slightly less anxious than many of our parents....after all, we're hardly going to be testing 4 year olds are we?!".

Joy, your assertion that this man should not be left in charge of children based on him telling a child to , "oi stop that" when she kicked him is bonkers, pure and simple.

And why do people think that a 4 year old crying is necessary a bad thing? Crikey, my nearly 4 year old cries at the drop ofa hat quite a lot. She is particularly skilled at doing this when she has bashed her little sister and suspects she might be in trouble. I cry sometimes too. It doesn't particularly hurt either of us.

MordechaiVanunu · 20/06/2011 19:14

Picttish, I and I'm sure others, have observed and winced at parents out and about who speak to their children in rough, snappy, irritable, aggressive, dismissive,and sometimes bordering on abusive, manner, and winced.

When I hear this manner of speaking to children I think 'rough'.

My late night cider buying analog was an attempt to portray an image of the 'rough' kind of category in which I would place this. Yes, I categorise strangers based on the initial information I perceive, we all do.

I concede it's not scientific and I could be very wrong in my initial judgement and they could be buying lentils.

I did consider reporting your hurtfulpersonal insult, but instead will retaliate with similar mild 1950s esque insults.

HTH, you buffoon.

Empusa · 20/06/2011 19:18

"I do not however expect my children to be snapped at by grumpy adults as if they are irritating brats"

What if they are being irritating brats?

cory · 20/06/2011 19:21

this thread just gets better and better Grin

exoticfruits · 20/06/2011 19:27

I do not however expect my children to be snapped at by grumpy adults as if they are irritating brats

You might not expect it but luckily you have no control over it-you won't always get what you expect.

It is a huge thread about nothing. A DC was told off, she cried-if that is her only upset in life she is very lucky!

JoySzasz · 20/06/2011 19:30

thingsthat please let me know a bit more about how I am "bonkers"?

To reiterate, I would not leave my younger children with a man that snapped like that (in ear shot of the Mother.)

I wouldn't like to guess at how he might behave if there were no other adults around.

I don't trust men that 'snap' I think they have issues from their own childhoods.

I think they are childish themselves,are not aligned, and need help.

and here is a :) for you personally ...even though I am not being that passive agressive right now.

JamieAgain · 20/06/2011 19:31

I very much liked the use of "twit" and "buffoon" as an insult. May I add "dolt" to the lexicon?