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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband of a friend telling off my child

799 replies

900cherry · 19/06/2011 23:16

I was invited out this morning with some neighbours who are good friends. The husband is known to be snappy and to have little patience with his own children.
In the space of an hour, he told my 4 year old daughter to 'stop whining' and in a cafe, he snapped at her to 'OI, STOP THAT' when she kicked him under the table ( she was doing it playfully). My daughter burst into tears and came and sat on my lap. When his wife, who is a good friend, commented to him to calm down, he agressively responded 'Its not my problem if she's crying cos I told her off for not kicking me. She can deal with it'.

She is 4.

I said nothing as I didn't want to upset his wife, who I know was mortified.

I really want to email him tomorrow to tell him how inappropriate and uncalled for it was. AIBU? What would you do?

PS. The ironic thing is, he has an obnoxious daughter who is really badly behaved and I say nothing!

OP posts:
mumnotmachine · 20/06/2011 17:59

And for those of you who say you dont tell your friends kids off- what do you do if they are doing something that you dont allow your own child to do.

In my house if a child is doing something I dont allow my own to do they get told off- the same way as mine would.
My house, my rules

Same as if mine go to a friends house- their house, their rules.
I expect mine to be treated the same as the kids in the house where they are.
Its called learning

thegruffalosma · 20/06/2011 17:59

There are more kind ways to talk to children. And I use those ways when children are behaving kindly - not when they are kicking.

Ivortheengine8 · 20/06/2011 17:59

If my 20 month old kicked me or anyone else for that matter I would tell her about it! She pinches me sometimes, I don't let it go or she will continue, I tell it hurts and to stop it.
I agree 4 is certainly not too young to have a good telling off!

mumnotmachine · 20/06/2011 18:00

Im all for praise when childs behaving
You cannot tell a child off in a kind tone!!

MrSpoc · 20/06/2011 18:01

Joy she said:
Except here,@ 23:35, where she says that she and not anyone else will be the one to tell her not to kick.

"I agree she should have been told not to kick, but I'll be the one to do it, not someone else and not the way he did it."

Ivortheengine8 · 20/06/2011 18:02

Joy, its just that probably many parents have tried the 'be nice,gentle and kind approach' thing and realise that kids don't really take much notice of it because they are not stupid and know they can walk all over the sweet talker.

exoticfruits · 20/06/2011 18:04

Of course there are more kind ways- but people are free to use any approach they want-the parent has no control.(and a good thing too!)

JoySzasz · 20/06/2011 18:04

mumnotmachine at 14 she wouldn't have done it obviously Confused

At 4 they are learning.

She would have learnt just as well with a different approach.

I have a gentle and firm DH, I wouldn't put up with an obnoxious ass like the op described ...not for one minute.

It makes my blood boil to think that he considered it fair play...and he has kids? I dispair :(

exoticfruits · 20/06/2011 18:04

Sorry-not a good thing that people are harsh-a good thing that mothers have no control over others.

thegruffalosma · 20/06/2011 18:07

Would like to know what the OP would have done if her friends dh had told her about the kicking and SHE told her child off and her child cried.

mumnotmachine · 20/06/2011 18:08

Well Joy
She learnt a lesson

JoySzasz · 20/06/2011 18:08

Does anyone think it makes a massive difference in how old the child in question is?

My boys don't kick at 12 + 7 ,I am sure they both had their moments as 4 year olds ...I used firm and kind words to help them learn.

My 2 year old hasn't kicked yet...but she probably will ...Wink I will use the same tactics with her...

portaloo · 20/06/2011 18:11

Ivortheengine8 I haven't seen the post where the OP said that she knew that her DD was kicking the man and ignored it. Is it possible that OP didn't know until the man snapped at her DD?

thegruffalosma imo, it's up to the parent to have the short sharp word.

ellodarlin · 20/06/2011 18:11

"It makes my blood boil to think that he considered it fair play"

She kicked him

He told her to stop

Whats so unfair?

He only used 3 words, he didn't restrain her or hit her, he didn't swear.
What is unfair to send her off to school with the idea that she can go around kicking people 'playfully' without consequence. He is an adult so he managed to deal with it verbally, another 4 yo may not be so tolerant and there will be an "AIBU to think that this boy should be expelled from dds top school for punching dd when all she did was playfully kick him".

mumnotmachine · 20/06/2011 18:14

Exactly ellodarling

Its not like he pinned her to the floor and hammered lumps out of her.

Seems like theres a lot of wonderfully perfect parents on here.
Then theres the ones who live in the real world

JoySzasz · 20/06/2011 18:21

I live in the real world very much so.

Those 3 words he used and the way he used them were wrong IMO.

I am not perfect at all I get it wrong a lot Grin

But, I understand my style is not for all!

thegruffalosma · 20/06/2011 18:26

Yes portaloo but if the incident is happening under a table when the OP was apparently there but couldn't see from what I gather then doesn't it seem a bit unnecessary to communicate what is happening to a third party (the parent) and then have the third party tell off their child when you are being kicked the whole time. It would go completely against my instincts to do that. And tbh after I had told the child to stop it and stopped the actual kicking I would expect the parent to be mortified that their child had been doing that and take it from there. Not to get all cats bum because I'd had the audacity to want their child to stop kicking my leg as quickly as possible. What should the man have done if he and his wife were looking after the kids? Phoned the OP and asked if she would mind telling her daughter to stop kicking his leg?
Since when can you not address other peoples kids unless you have something nice to say? Even when the not nice thing is completely justified?

portaloo · 20/06/2011 18:28

Let's imagine for a moment that the OP genuinely did not think that her DD was doing anything wrong, that she thought it was ok to 'playfully kick' someone.

Her DD 'playfully kicks' this man, he snaps at her DD, DD cries, then goes to her mum for comfort.
Is the mother going to have a 'lightbulb' moment where she suddenly realises she's been letting her DD get away with awful behaviour for 4 years?
Or is she going to think and possibly pass the message onto her DD what a nasty bad tempered man. He had no right to speak to my precious little DD that way, then avoid him?

OTOH, If the man had spoken to OP, and explained that however she describes it, it is not appropriate to allow her DD to behave this way, maybe she will think about it?

It is the parents that need to be educated into knowing what is and isn't acceptable behaviour from their DC. By snapping at their DC for something the parent doesn't think is bad behaviour is not very effective imo.

My friend thought he had the right to discipline my DD over something he thought was bad behaviour. Result? I think my now ex friend is a nasty bad tempered twat and I don't speak to him anymore, let alone allow him near my DD. Have I learnt not to allow my DD to do what upset my friend so much in the first place?? No.

I hope this man explained to OP why he snapped at her at the time.

MordechaiVanunu · 20/06/2011 18:29

Persoanlly IMO the only I would expect to speak to children in terms like 'stop whinging' and ' Oi stop that' are people who have their children in Tescos in their pyjamas at 11pm whilst they are buying cider.

Yes I'm a snob about that. Shoot me.

OR very frazzled parents who have been worn down by a child after many hours of reasoned discipline and they've temporarily lost the ability to give a shit about the way they speak to their children. (Ive been there).

I would not however expect or tolerate anyone, particularly not 'a friend', speaking to my child in this manner.

I clicked on here ready to give my opinion that it's fine for friends to tell your children off, and that I tell my friends children off and I expect mine to be told off when necessary, which I do.

I do not however expect my children to be snapped at by grumpy adults as if they are irritating brats (that's my job).

OP, occasionally MN seems to have collective madness on a thread and this is one of those occasions. In my real world, no one snaps with irritation at other people childen, except their parents behind closed doors when they're very tired.

Friends firmly tell others poeples children what they should/ shouldn't be doing - for example 'come on Ben I asked you to tidy this away' and not 'get on with it.' and if a child kicked me I'd say 'ouch(if it hurt) don't kick me it hurts.'

Maybe myself and 900cherry just know a 'nicer' sort of the person than the rest of you Wink.

JoySzasz · 20/06/2011 18:30

I am glad this happened to the op-for one reason only.

At least now she won't ever leave her DD with this man alone.

Think about it ...he was quite happy to behave like this with the Mum close by,I dread to think of how he may have felt it justified in dealing with her if she wasn't.

portaloo · 20/06/2011 18:33

thegruffalosma 'What should the man have done if he and his wife were looking after the kids? Phoned the OP and asked if she would mind telling her daughter to stop kicking his leg?'

We are not talking about a situation though where the child was left in the care of these people are we?
If I left my DD being looked after by someone else, I'd accept that they would be responsible for disciplining my DD in my absence. Personally I wouldn't leave DD with someone who was snappy, aggressive and has little patience in the first place.

clam · 20/06/2011 18:36

This thread is a marvellous example of an oxymoron: playful kick Hmm

I think that, in black and white terms, it was not unreasonable for another adult to object to being kicked under the table.

What's colouring this thread is that the OP knows this man to be grumpy towards kids generally, so that's affected her view.

Georgimama · 20/06/2011 18:39

Think about it ...he was quite happy to behave like this with the Mum close by,I dread to think of how he may have felt it justified in dealing with her if she wasn't.

That is completely bonkers. And as the OP thought the kicking was "playful" I really doubt she would have done anything about it if he had asked her to.

JamieAgain · 20/06/2011 18:41

clam, I don't think it has just affected g=her view, I think it's a reflection of a wider reality about him, That he perhaps does not speak to children in a nice way.

I absolutely tell other people's children off, in the street, at home, and at work, but there are appropriate and inappropriate ways of doing it. I think that more adults need to step up and steer children in a better direction. Not like that though.

usualsuspect · 20/06/2011 18:44

He sounds like a miserable sod