Husband of a friend telling off my child

[900cherry]

I was invited out this morning with some neighbours who are good friends. The husband is known to be snappy and to have little patience with his own children.
In the space of an hour, he told my 4 year old daughter to 'stop whining' and in a cafe, he snapped at her to 'OI, STOP THAT' when she kicked him under the table ( she was doing it playfully). My daughter burst into tears and came and sat on my lap. When his wife, who is a good friend, commented to him to calm down, he agressively responded 'Its not my problem if she's crying cos I told her off for not kicking me. She can deal with it'.

She is 4.

I said nothing as I didn't want to upset his wife, who I know was mortified.

I really want to email him tomorrow to tell him how inappropriate and uncalled for it was. AIBU? What would you do?

PS. The ironic thing is, he has an obnoxious daughter who is really badly behaved and I say nothing!

I have a very well behaved DD (7) who will sometimes cry when she is told off, particularly if told off by someone other than her parents. This is not becuase she is scared, but because she likes being good and is not used to being told off. Or sometimes she will cry because she thinks it is unfair (when she is told off it is usually for carelessness or absentmindedness rather than out and out naughtiness, so she often feels it is unfair when there is no real intent).

i think she needs to toughen up about this (and to stop being such a daydreamer) and do not mind it when other people tell her off (so long as it is in some way deserved) even though she may well cry.

I agree with those who said that the fact that your DD cried is probably not becuase she was scared (particualrly if she likes the man) but becuase she was caught out or dissapointed him/you.

I think the girl cried because she was embarrassed at being hauled up, not because she was scared of him

So do I, and she probably knows how to manipulate her mother into being onside when people are howwid, when in fact they are only a) reacting to a kick which might well have hurt and b) reprimanding anti-soxcial behaviour. In fact given the OP's reaction to criticism and her thanks to the few who've agreed with her I suppose that sense of entitlement and lack of responsibility would rub off on Little Miss Precious. Goodness knows how she'll respond to any reprimands at school.

And I also agree that the man's wife was probably "mortified" because she knows how precious the OP is. She still hasn't explained how she knows the kicking was playful when she couldn't see it happening.

senorita - i like the idea of the sign although who am i to dish out parenting 'skills' although it does frustrate me and the other traders the way some (mothers especially, middle class are definately the worst) parents seem to think it uncool to dare to say no to their kids and thus a brat is born for all of us to endure and cherish. actually tbh especially if i am hormonal, i actually enjoy having a go at the mothers, some are real stupid cows, they think my stall is a creche, best part about being self employed is being able to dish out the dirt if need be :)

We don't live in Disneyworld.You annoy somebody they get annoyed! Why don't you want your PFB to learn that?

I think the "stop whining" thing is a bit out of order but I don't think its remotely out of order to ask her to stop kicking. Whining is subjective (unless it was really in your face). But its not cool for kids to kick adults at all and I don't think its wrong of him to have told her off.

Totallylovely you missed me from your list. I think he was out of order.

I am not middle class, I don't have an issue with telling my children 'No' and they are not brats.

My children are not manipulative or remotely precious (they are not perfect either, but these things are not among their faults).

I still would not want someone telling them off in this way. 'Oi' doesn't seem like the best starting point to me. I would not object to 'please don't kick', I would object to shouting. As for 'stop whining', I am stunned that someone would say this to someone elses child.

Surely the point that all these responses demonstrates is that we all have very different views about appropriate discipline. In light of this, is it not safer to just NOT discipline other people's children.

As for the child needing to learn that 'shit happens'. She's 4. She has a lifetime to learn that message. At 4 she needs someone who she loves, and who she knows loves her, to gently guide her behaviour, while protecting her from the shit that happens.

Totally AGREE carey
:)

I'm not gong to pretend to be perfectly happy if a child is kicking me and I don't care what anyone says!
The issue here is that the Op's child kicked an adult and he told her off in a way the OP didn't like. If that happened to me, unless the adult went absolutely mental or hit my child, my primary concern would still be that my child had kicked an adult!
The child cried because she knew that if she did she would manipulate her mum into turning her focus onto comforting her and directing her anger towards the guy who reprimanded her instead of her dd for her original misbehaviour. And she was right.

This actually happened to me! I was older (probably 6) and kicked my favorite babysitter (he was probably 16 or so at the time) several times, just "playing around". He yelled at me and I was devastated. But, well, I was kicking him. He didn't like it.

'The child cried because she knew that if she did she would manipulate her mum into turning her focus onto comforting her and directing her anger towards the guy who reprimanded her instead of her dd for her original misbehaviour'
Gruffalo - this is amazing insight. Its like you were there. Hang on, you weren't!

I would avoid the man tbh. He may see it as appropriate to admonish your DD in this way, but you don't agree, and imo that's fine.
We don't all discipline our DC for the same things or in the same way, which is where most problems arise from disciplining other peoples DC.

Is there a certain protocol when it comes to disciplining other peoples DC?
Is it really necessary to discipline someone else's DC while their parent is present and close by?
What's wrong with speaking to the parent about the alleged bad behaviour?

Until everyone can agree with what constitutes acceptable and unacceptable behaviour amongst DC, then there will always be this kind of conflict.
I certainly don't want my DC shouted/snapped at aggressively by a grown man, who could just as easily have spoken to me if he was upset about something my DC was doing.
I wonder why he didn't just say something to OP?

I would be telling her off as well, whether she was my child or not.
Bet you would have said something if it was him kicking her playfully!

Admits to not reading it all*

Well it's an equally valid opinion to those who are saying the man, who she loves, terrified her!
I wasn't there OP but I know mums like you. Your children can do no wrong - if they kick someone they're just playing and how dare anyone tell them off! You do your child no favours giving her the message that the biggest problem here was how she was told off.
Is your dd in school yet? The teachers may have to tell her off - they might have to raise their voice at times. How the hell does/will she cope. And then, of course you will be at the headmasters office because it's so unfair - your daughter was only PLAYFULLY pulling the other kids hair/pinching them whatever

OP, YABU.

However, I now have a slight urge to namechange to PlayfullyKicking.

Portaloo, I thought most people did (or used to) agree that kicking someone was bad behaviour. Maybe the man is just a straightforward kind of guy. Takes no shit and speaks his mind - whats wrong with that?!

As other posts have said you can't wrap your DC's in cotton wool for the rest of their lives. They are bound to meet men who don't like being kicked in the leg from time to time.

Oh Daisy don't!

Mumnotmachine the child is 4!

4 for goodness sake.

she is still very much learning...

If an adult kicked a child well ?...it is so not the same thing

The op has said that she does not particularly mind if other parents help her child mind their manners and behaviour -it was the harsh way in which he decided to do it.

:)

Joy Op stated that she didnt want other people telling her PFB off as it is her job.

And your right she is very much still learning. Infact she has just had a very good lesson. Dont kick.

She is learning that not all adults are as nice as mummy-a good lesson-she will be wary in future.
OP has learned that she can't control everyone who comes into contact with her DC-another good lesson.
It is a long thread about a short interchange that DD has probably forgotten.

Now Portaloo I had always thought that I was pretty laid back. I wouldn't tell other people's kids of for 99% of things. Snatching toys, giving me cheek, drawing on my walls whatever I would let the parent deal with. But if a child was kicking me or one of my kids and the parent wasn't doing anything because they hadn't seen/weren't bothered a short, sharp word would be had. I'm not going to start politely reasoning with the child while I'm still being kicked! The man said 'oi stop it now' in a firm voice. Probably more a gut reaction to being kicked than anything. He didn't scream in her face, he didn't swear. He effectively dealt with the situation imo.

I agree MrSpoc- it was a lesson in life.
I dont care if shes 4 or 14- at 4 she should know not to kick
She did
She got a reaction
She wont do it again in a hurry

Lesson learnt.

Mrspoc I thought I read somewhere in this epic,that it was the tone she didn't like?

I am still [shocked] that many posters don't seem to feel there are different (and more kind) ways to talk to our children.

I was done...I shouldn't have come back :) It makes me sad.