Husband of a friend telling off my child

[900cherry]

I was invited out this morning with some neighbours who are good friends. The husband is known to be snappy and to have little patience with his own children.
In the space of an hour, he told my 4 year old daughter to 'stop whining' and in a cafe, he snapped at her to 'OI, STOP THAT' when she kicked him under the table ( she was doing it playfully). My daughter burst into tears and came and sat on my lap. When his wife, who is a good friend, commented to him to calm down, he agressively responded 'Its not my problem if she's crying cos I told her off for not kicking me. She can deal with it'.

She is 4.

I said nothing as I didn't want to upset his wife, who I know was mortified.

I really want to email him tomorrow to tell him how inappropriate and uncalled for it was. AIBU? What would you do?

PS. The ironic thing is, he has an obnoxious daughter who is really badly behaved and I say nothing!

Because he didn't choose to, Omirian. If he had done as you've suggested, perhaps the child wouldn't have stopped? Perhaps they would have? We'll never know... but we do know that if the child hadn't been whining and kicking it wouldn't have happened at all.

My personal view regarding speaking to children is that they should be treated with respect and not patronised. I don't 'coo', never have and never will. If I talked to a child about their behaviour to me (my own or anyone else's), I hope I'm kind but I'm most definitely direct and, if I were being kicked, I would give the parent a few seconds to say something and if they didn't - I would. Directly. Not shouting but not 'fluffily' either.

Why do you refer to her 'little miss spoilt'?

I was kicked by a good friend's DD. I know the DD very well and she normally is very well behaved. I told her off quite sternly because I do not tolerate kicking etc from children to adults. She cried and sulked for ages. Her mum asked what happened I told her and she told her daughter off again but also for crying and sulking.
The DD still comes up to hold my hand when I help in her class and she quite happily came for tea the following week. And she hasnt raised her foot to any one while I have been with her.
Lesson learnt me thinks.

mayorquimby Why do you have to assume that? There is nothing that the OP has written which implies that she thinks kicking people is fantastic behaviour in a 4yo. She has never said that or anything to that affect.

Spudulika.... What about an adult female then?

If the child had been frightened, she would have stopped at 'whining' and not moved on to the 'kicking' stage, no?

Lying, I'm with you. Firm and fair not intolerant agressive and bad tempered.

TotallyLovely - then the mother shoule prepared for other people to tell her daughter off. Simple

Ormirian there is never any need to be aggressive and rude - which 'Oi, stop that' is. Rudeness to an adult is generally considered a bad thing - why not to a child. Why could Mr Misery simply have said ' Please stop that, it's hurting me'?

spudulika I absolutely hate the thought of an adult male being verbally aggressive to a 4 year old child, whatever they've done. There are ways of telling a child to stop an unwanted behaviour that don't involve frightening them.

I agree!

"Why do you refer to her 'little miss spoilt'?"

My point was simply in reference to Ormirian using the term "mr.Misery" to paint him in the role as villain/unreasonable. It was to illustrate that while we can all use perjoritive terms to try and reinforce our own bias/interpretations it doesn't add anything to the objective debate or make us any more right.

lying

l know if I give this post anymore thought, I will be moaning again about the price of the cakes!

Do you not think that if it was an accidental knock the OP would have mentioned that at some point in the thread. She used the term playful KICKING not KICK but KICKING which means numerous kicks not a single accidental kick. It may have been 'playful' and fun for the child but clearly not so much for the adult on the receiving end of the 'playful kicks'.
The man gave a firm 'OI STOP THAT' which is entirely appropriate. The OP didn't say he stood up and bellowed or got right in her dd's face or anything. He was quite right to be firm.

Presumably you also offered a space on your lap for the 'kicked' husband as well?

Who cares if she kicked him 'playfully' 'harmlessly' 'jokingly' or 'lovingly'- a 4 year old kicking someone else is not acceptable behaviour and the childs mother shouldnt be such a lazy parent and told little princess tippytoes off herself instead of making another adult do it then chucking her toys out the pram. How the hell are kids ever going to learn manners when their own parents are so bratty?

I actualy agree with Ormirian in that he could have just as easily said " Stop kicking me" in a firm voice that brokered no argument. I, as a parent, would have had no issue with that.

"Oi stop that" makes him come over as an aggressive adult who doesn't know how to communicate with a child.

However I still believe had the DD in question have been taught beforehand that kicking be it "playful" or whatever will probably end up hurting or annoying someone she could have been saved a telling off.

"mayorquimby Why do you have to assume that? There is nothing that the OP has written which implies that she thinks kicking people is fantastic behaviour in a 4yo. She has never said that or anything to that affect."

Nope and equally she makes no mention of trying to discipline her child for kicking him yet she is certain about the type/force/intent of the kick from her child despite not having seen it at all. If she's going to assume things which she has no way of knowing we all may as well join in.

MrSpoc Yes in a way which didn't terrify her. It's not pandering to be calm, polite and not scary to a child. Or he could have told her mum what she was doing. There was no need for him to react quite like he did. If I tell off other people's children I always do it in a slightly more gentle way then with my own as they take it harder coming from other people.

Youe child needs to learn she can only control her own behaviour. If she kicks someone she can not dictate how they will respond, she may be ignored, shouted at, or even kicked back. Maybe this will teach her that while mummy will put up with shit not everyone will. I think it is a valuable lesson learned.

TBH your dd, OP, could be the most spoilt obnoxious child in the Universe and it still wouldn't be acceptable for an adult to shout at her, unless in danger.

Even if she kicked him very hard on purpose, he should have told you or told her off.....not shouted.

TotallyLovely - from what the Op has wrote i do not agree that her terrified her precious daughter. All he said was Oy stop that. If he shouted at the top of his voice and got infornt of her face and screemd, Oy stop that you little bitch. then i would agree.

Now the Oy stop that is a NATURAL reaction to being kicked. I infact think it was very well restarint of him.

Why do you keep trying to justify their behaviour?

Wow - this thread has gone stupid with the most ridiculous rationalisations why this bad tempered old arsehole was right to snap the girl's head off!

Her crime didn't fit the punishment.

He's an idiot - and I don't know why the OP socialises with him if he can't get a grip of his emotions - taking it out on a 4 year old because she swung her leg under the table for chissakes!

mayorquimby - quite

Get some perspespective!

OP says in her first post that he snapped at the OP's DD, not shouted. I take snap and shout to be different things.

Ridiculous. 'Oi stop it!' did the job. The child only cried because she knew it would get her mum on side. Well done to all of you who would have calmly asked the OP if she wouldn't ever so mind controlling her child all the while having your shin kicked!