Husband of a friend telling off my child

[900cherry]

I was invited out this morning with some neighbours who are good friends. The husband is known to be snappy and to have little patience with his own children.
In the space of an hour, he told my 4 year old daughter to 'stop whining' and in a cafe, he snapped at her to 'OI, STOP THAT' when she kicked him under the table ( she was doing it playfully). My daughter burst into tears and came and sat on my lap. When his wife, who is a good friend, commented to him to calm down, he agressively responded 'Its not my problem if she's crying cos I told her off for not kicking me. She can deal with it'.

She is 4.

I said nothing as I didn't want to upset his wife, who I know was mortified.

I really want to email him tomorrow to tell him how inappropriate and uncalled for it was. AIBU? What would you do?

PS. The ironic thing is, he has an obnoxious daughter who is really badly behaved and I say nothing!

There was bloke walking in front of me out of the office last week. Offices are non-smoking so the minute he got our of the main door he lit up. So all the way to my car I got a face full of smoke. Not nice IMO. What should my response have been:

"Oi, you! Stop that!'

Or do you think that would have earned me a smack in the teeth?

Why should he try to distract the girl from whining? Why was she whining? To be quite honest, at the first hint of whining I would be saying something to my child, I hate it so much, it goes through me.

As for the leg-swinging.. I don't believe that on the first contact this man's temper erupted. From what I know of my daughter - and other little children of the same age as OP's, the first is a 'tentative' sort of prod, to see how the land lies, then a bit harder and maybe a bit more after that... yes, it's childish naughtiness, but 4 years old is quite old enough to know not to do that.

I don't think this country is better off for liberal parenting and I'm not going to do it myself. If I don't tell my children when they've done something wrong, I really hope that somebody else will because, however harsh, it will be a damned sight gentler than them having to learn the lesson as adults.

It all sorts itself out though because parents of a feather tend to flock together.

Apologies - x-post with OP's post about email.

I think you'd get laughed at for telling someone to stop smoking outside but that's another thread.

The original op states that she kicked him playfully.

I am going on that description.

Like I said, a swinging of the legs (under the table) could feel like kicking -I get that :) but,there is no need to snap at a 4 year old.

I believe he could have asked her gently and firmly to stop,then take it from there if she persisted.

A sudden kick is jarring, but he needed to tone it down.

I remember that a man shouting at me (when a child) was much more scary than my Mum:)

It makes sense (to me) why the little girl went to the safety of her Mothers lap...

Oh,I would also suggest that this whole thread would have been pages shorter if the op had said that her daughter just knocked him with her feet (under the table) sounds like the same thing -but is so not.
Understandably, the word kick makes most of us think of something with mean intent.

I am not nit picking (I hope )

Well he could have just ignored the whining but as it was bothering him I was suggesting a more helpful response rather than one which just allowed to ease his feelings by snapping.

IME whining usually peters out after a while.

You fail to address the point mayor. It could have been anything that was annoying me at the time. Litter dropping, dog-fouling.

Joy - but the OP also said she didn't see the kick so how could she know if it was playful?

Joy... It's down to interpretation. I think 'kicked playfully' could be anywhere from what I've described to what a dozen other posters have described. OP didn't say 'knocked', nor did she describe it as that. I know you have sympathy but you seem to be re-writing what happened for some reason.

I don't agree that he needed to tone it down. I think Mum was absent, either physically or mentally and he is a family friend/neighbour.

I don't know what happened either because I wasn't there, but the whining indicates boredom to me, attention-seeking... the leg-swinging a perpetuation of that.

The one mistake made was for the girl not to be put back on her seat and told to stop messing about - and apologise. She now has had the message that whatever she does, she will not be corrected. That is a terrible message and OP could rue the day that DD didn't learn the right one.

Joy - Your right if Op had said she brushed him with her foot and he blew off then everyone including myself would say he was out of order. But she KICKED him. There is a differance. How do you know she hadnt already kicked him 5 times but her mother didnt tell her off then he lost it?

DogsBestFriend That's just guessing! It could also easily have been because she knows her DH is a grumpy fucker and that he was being over the top. You have put your own story behind it because it suits your point.

MrSpoc I have read your post several times and still can't see how it relates to what I said. So in response . . . what planet are YOU on?

I suspect fuckme that to give a mean kick,she would have had to lean forward a bit more and take aim?

It is hard to answer that question isn't it ?

I think I will just have to take it that she was there in that atmosphere ,and knew what her daughters intent was.

"You haven't even had the common courtesy to let us know what you are now planning to do re: the email - are you still planning to send it? have you taken the advice that it would be a bad idea?"

You must of missed it because I did reply. I am not going to email.

Sorry, I cannot respond to so many questions, I am at work! Sorry if this is not MN ettiquette, but its my reality today.

Ormirian... So tell them, what's stopping you? That's regarding littering and dog-fouling, btw. The smoker wasn't breaking the law and you could have stayed back a few seconds or sped up to overtake.

How is your scenario like the OP's?

And that poster has already acknowledged that she x-posted and you did reply to the question about the email.

Joy - depends on how and where they were seated, and none of us know that because we weren't there. But I think you and I are going to have to agree to disagree, because to my mind, if the OP didn't see it then she doesn't know either

Also, if a man was a grumpy bad tempered bastard and for some strange reason I did go out to lunch with him and bring my DD even though he had form for being horrible to his own children, I wouldn't put DD anywhere near him, I'd have DD beside me and DP and make sure he would have no cause for complaint.

Joy - how could a mother understand what her daughters intent was?

Also you can kick very hard without moving forward and position yourself to it.

Lets face it daughter was wrong and mother should of been watching and telling her daughter off if she did not like other people doing her job for her.

lying you are right ,it is my interpretation (like all of us ) :)

I even have the cafe pictured in my mind (crazy)

It is the 'cafe Nero' in Putney High street I don't even know if it is still there!

That is some imagination you have there, Joy... do we know what music was playing?

If I felt strongly I might say something. My point is that there is never any need to be aggressive and rude - which 'Oi, stop that' is. Rudeness to an adult is generally considered a bad thing - why not to a child. Why could Mr Misery simply have said ' Please stop that, it's hurting me'?

I absolutely hate the thought of an adult male being verbally aggressive to a 4 year old child, whatever they've done.

There are ways of telling a child to stop an unwanted behaviour that don't involve frightening them.

Because Mrs. Panderer would have simply allowed little miss spoilt to continue kicking him?

MrSpoc Lets face it daughter was wrong and mother should of been watching and telling her daughter off if she did not like other people doing her job for her -

But you don't always see these things at first. If I see a child doing something naughty I don't assume that the mum is allowing it, I assume that they haven't seen in yet or had time to react. Mums aren't super human you know. Why do you have to think the worst? Why not assume that she would have intervened, if the man hadn't of got aggressive before she had a chance?