Husband of a friend telling off my child

[900cherry]

I was invited out this morning with some neighbours who are good friends. The husband is known to be snappy and to have little patience with his own children.
In the space of an hour, he told my 4 year old daughter to 'stop whining' and in a cafe, he snapped at her to 'OI, STOP THAT' when she kicked him under the table ( she was doing it playfully). My daughter burst into tears and came and sat on my lap. When his wife, who is a good friend, commented to him to calm down, he agressively responded 'Its not my problem if she's crying cos I told her off for not kicking me. She can deal with it'.

She is 4.

I said nothing as I didn't want to upset his wife, who I know was mortified.

I really want to email him tomorrow to tell him how inappropriate and uncalled for it was. AIBU? What would you do?

PS. The ironic thing is, he has an obnoxious daughter who is really badly behaved and I say nothing!

FWIW your DD sounds like a nightmare spoiled child and you sound like a nightmare precious parent. You really need to start opening your eyes and letting your DD know what is and isnt acceptable and what other people find annoying or your precious girls world will shatter when shes a grown up and finds other people react to things like being 'playfully kicked' in a less than kind singy-songy manner.

I have told off a friends child.

She kept punching my son. (Both were 4 year olds at the time)
It upset my son.

The mum infuriated me, she smiled and said "oh, not to worry about it, she only does it because she likes him". WTF?

In other words, she was playful, and no malice intended, so my child should sit there upset and we should all allow her to keep punching him?

Is that the right message to give children?

Should my son accept being another childs punchbag just because the mum of the punching child said it was not malicious, but out of "love" ?

So, I had to step in.

I told her my very best Polish (yeah right) "No, Nje vol no" when that did not work, "Nje vol no, nje dobra djiftinka" (please bear in mind I can spell polish as well as I speak it. )

The mum was FURIOUS! How bloody dare I tell her child that.
It should have been her job to tell off her child. I quite possibly scared the little girl shitless.
But honestly, I had to stand up for my son. I did not want him to get the message that it was ok for others to punch him. That this was accepted.

At the same time, the little girl learnt that punching other children is not ok, and that other grown ups MIGHT actually say something, even if her own parents dont. So win win, really. I did them a favour.

I know in your situation, the person in question was a grown up. But at the end of the day, kicking, punching, is not ok. And if the parents wont say anything, then it is ok if other grown ups say something. Somebody has to be responsible for teaching a child that invading another persons personal space, be it be kicking or hitting, or pulling, is not ok, and boundaries should be set. Even if the parent is not able to do so. Especially perhaps if the parent is unable.

I agree with those that have said that it takes a village to raise a child.

Without children having clear parameters of what is and isn't accpetable, then both they and society will suffer. We all, as member so of society, have a duty and a right to support children in understanding those paramters, especially when they impact on others (such as being "playfully kicked")

My dh has a a mirror image of this problem - but it still illustrates how poor parameters can impact upon a child and those around him/her.

In his case, it is a mother who refuses or is unable to discipline her ds, expects others to do it for her but never backs them up. The irony is that the activity that dh is involved with him in - rugby - could be the making of him, but there is only so much trouble that the coaches can take from this wee boy before they ban him (they are, after all, volunteers and also have 30 other 5-7 years olds to herd coach).

He has already had multiple suspensions from Cubs becasue of his indiscipline and is close to a permanent exclusion. However, the mother just seems to shrug her shoulders and never backs the coaches (or the Cub leaders) up.

He could be a good player if he learnt to control himself.

In this case it is the mother who is letting the child down - but in the long term it will be child who will suffer :(

You have to provide a translation Quint before I can decide if ywbu. If you told her to pack it the fuck in or you'd show her what being punched felt like then you might have been a tad unreasonable!

i can't believe there are 13 pages for this thread.....alot of parents hold off telling their kids off for various reasons. if a kid buggers around my mkt stall i tell them (politely) to stop it and glare at them, the mothers don't like it, the kids clearly aren't used to being told to not do something but i ain't letting some brat loose on my hard to source mkt stock, i wouldn't touch the brat though, i usually if the kid has really over steppe the mark give the mother a mouthful :)

Something along the lines of "no, dont do it." and "dont do it, not good girl".
Like I said, my polish is less than rudimentary.

By LyingWitchInTheWardrobe: 'metaphorically put you on their knee and say 'there, there'. I see a pattern.'

Spot on LyingWitch! And 20-30 years later dd will also call people vicious when they dont agree with her and she will make a mountain out of a hill and so on...and the circle will go on.

Also very good post from the Nursery worker (sorry i cant remember the name) who wrote about showing to children people's emotions. I couldn't agree more with your post.

Quint I understand Polish (I think your spelling aids me!!!). YWNBU!

My DD drew all over the walls the other day. She was playing. Was I furious. Yes, I was!

If my DD (also 4) kicked someone under the table I'd be delighted that they told her off. Sadly if it was overly aggressively (as I believe this was) then that's her fault; important to understand that different people react differently.

The whole point is, if she hadn't kicked him in the first place he wouldn't have reacted.

The whole situation would never have happened if your DD had behaved herself.

paisleyII do you have a sign at your market stall saying 'free parenting skills offered here'?

Forgot to mention that the child concerned is only 6.

So, cherry, now that you know that 99% of us think that YwouldBU if you sent the proposed email and that some of that 99% of us think that you'd be viewed as incredibly precious/an utter loon, the question is are you going to go ahead and send an email anyway?

:o

Have only read first and last page of this thread, but when I read OP's original post I had in mind that her daughter was swinging her legs and caught friend's husband's leg by accident / OR that she was swinging her legs and catching his not to hurt or kick but to get his attention. Therefore I think "oi stop that" is out of order. Maybe move legs or say "please don't do that".... Also unreasonable to say "stop whining".... He sounds unpleasant. I wouldn't email him though, I would try never to spend any time with him. The fact that his wife was mortified indicates that he didn't behave well and his "oi stop that" must have sounded unnecessarily aggressive - it's not so much the words, it's how you say them, and none of this on this thread were actually there. If OP is feeling upset then that is a good barometer of how unpleasant her friend's husband must have sounded.

none of "us" on this thread

One thing is for sure OP, if you don't sort out your dd's behaviour sharpish invites out with friends will stop.

The OP would have said her dd accidentally knocked the mans leg if that was the case. Playfully kicking implies repeatedly kicking to me. Very annoying if not painful.

Brut is also a dry champagne.

lapin, ha ha

I wish the OP would answer some of the questions I've asked.

I'm intrigued OP, you keep saying that you didn't see it happen (hence why you didn't tell her off) but somehow you still know it was a playful kick?

Also "she was doing it playfully" doesn't sound like one accidental kick/touch, but a repeated and deliberate action.

YABU.

Can't have been pleasant to go out on a Sunday morning and sit there with a whiny child who then proceeds to kick you, "playfully" of course. A sharp word is quite justified here.

Empusa - I've asked that too.