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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband of a friend telling off my child

799 replies

900cherry · 19/06/2011 23:16

I was invited out this morning with some neighbours who are good friends. The husband is known to be snappy and to have little patience with his own children.
In the space of an hour, he told my 4 year old daughter to 'stop whining' and in a cafe, he snapped at her to 'OI, STOP THAT' when she kicked him under the table ( she was doing it playfully). My daughter burst into tears and came and sat on my lap. When his wife, who is a good friend, commented to him to calm down, he agressively responded 'Its not my problem if she's crying cos I told her off for not kicking me. She can deal with it'.

She is 4.

I said nothing as I didn't want to upset his wife, who I know was mortified.

I really want to email him tomorrow to tell him how inappropriate and uncalled for it was. AIBU? What would you do?

PS. The ironic thing is, he has an obnoxious daughter who is really badly behaved and I say nothing!

OP posts:
JudysJudgement · 20/06/2011 10:29

so you didnt see it OP so didnt tell her off

yet you know it was playful and didnt hurt

and was she whining?

fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 20/06/2011 10:30

YABU to be "aghast" at his behaviour and the best thing for you to do would be speak to your DD about norms of behaviour and what is socially acceptable.

You didn't react, according to you you were sitting beside her and you let her kick him. At some point you are going to have to realise that other people do not have the same levels of tolerance for children that you do, doesn't make them bad people, just different.

fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 20/06/2011 10:31

I just don't get if he's so terrible round kids, and such a grumpy bad tempered man, why you went out with him?

JudysJudgement · 20/06/2011 10:31

how come if he is so terrible, grumpy and bad with kids that she adores him???

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 20/06/2011 10:32

900cherry... If you're so sure that this man is wrong, and you know the family so well... why would you spend time with him and more importantly - allow your daughter to be exposed to his 'temper'?

I don't think that anybody who disagrees with you here is going to give you any 'lightbulb moment'... you only want people to agree with you, metaphorically put you on their knee and say, "there, there". I see a pattern... Hmm

Surround your precious child with only the people who love her and accept her behaviour whatever it is... so prepare your daughter for an unhappy childhood full of intolerant adults and no friends.

Original poster
900cherry · 20/06/2011 10:32

Senorvita, think you are right. If I'd really gone into the detail of the situation and the people it would have been totally long winded and boring.
Anyway, it seemed to have sparked a debate (which wasn't the intention) of whether its OK to tell off other people's kids. Actualy I think it is OK, but needs to be done sensitively - after all, they are you're friends kids, and if nothing else, who wants to piss off their friends over something like this?

OP posts:
Pictish · 20/06/2011 10:32

"She no brut. SHe has in fact been selected to go to a top school, very much based on her behaviour (as well as ability)."

She should have told us this before....because obviously that makes ALL the difference. Of course it's FINE for her to kick people playfully, because she has been selected for a top school....he should have been mindful of that fact while recieving the kick, and offered both legs for a pummelling.

whoneedssleepanyway · 20/06/2011 10:32

FWIW I think I know where you are coming from.

My dad is similar with my DDs.

Example DD2 was drawing in a comic book last week at the kitchen table, she is not quite 2 and kept going off the edge of the book onto the oilcloth covering the table with the pen (not on purpose).

My dad told her if she couldn't draw within the pages she had to have newspaper underneath it, she didn't want to have a pile of newspaper underneath so pushed it away, at which my dad said in a very cross voice "I draw the line at destruction of property" and took the comic away from her cue noisy sobs from my DD2.

I didn't disagree with what he was trying to do in principle but he handled it very badly.

SenoritaViva · 20/06/2011 10:32

900cherry - but again bad post. You didn't ask what would you do, you asked AIBU to send an email to him, and most people thought your feelings were unreasonable and as a result an email unnecessary. They were explaining why it was unnecessary.

babylann · 20/06/2011 10:34

Emailing would be a bad idea in my opinion. If you are going to stand firm in your belief that he behaved inappropriately, you should probably just avoid seeing him when your daughter is present.

(Just for the record though, if a child was kicking me and I told them to 'stop it', and then she ran over to her mum who just hugged her and didn't back me up, I'd probably be quite pissed and not want to see you again anyway, so maybe it won't be an issue. Also, I don't think "playful kicking" should be encouraged or allowed, even to adults, because that's where lines get blurred and your daughter starts thinking it's okay to kick other kids on the playground in the shins. And, if you didn't see the kick, you can't say whether it was playful or not. Even if she's normally calm and well behaved, and meant no harm, she could have misjudged the force behind it.)

Omigawd · 20/06/2011 10:34

"I was asking 'What would you do' when you are aghast about someone's behaviour and they are a good friend. how do you deal with it?

I wasn't in any doubt I felt he did the wrong thing. I wasn't asking for opinion on that - though I got it!!"

You try and understand why they did X, and look at what extenuating circumstances may apply. Like oh, being kicked by some brat whose mother won't control her.

I think there is an equally valid thread about "what do you do when a friend's child misbehaves badly, and the mother does nothing about it?"

Original poster
900cherry · 20/06/2011 10:34

Senorita.. OK, OK. I accept the bad post. I've never posted anything on here before. People are so vicious on here! fully expecting a zillion replies

OP posts:
caramelwaffle · 20/06/2011 10:35

Cherry - just to be clear: have you apologised to this man (on your daughter's behalf) or made her apologise for kicking him?

OldMacEIEIO · 20/06/2011 10:38

Dont worry Cherry, they are only being playful

bubblecoral · 20/06/2011 10:40

Selection at 4yo?

How vile. I really think that's awful, even though I've just put my 10yo though the 11+ for a top grammar school.

Care to share what school this is Cherry? Or will you choose to ignore my question, as you have ignored my other posts?

DogsBestFriend · 20/06/2011 10:40

Maybe this man's wife was embarrassed/clearly uncomfortable because regardless of whether she felt her husband was justified in telling your child to stop kicking him she knew that you would be precious about it. Maybe it was the anticipation of your response which made the wife tell her husband to calm down, as in "Don't say another word for fuck sake darling, you know how precious cherry can be about her bloody child, she'll only be sending you mad emails in the morning!".

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 20/06/2011 10:41

Blimey 900cherry... not bad for a first thread then! It's not vicious here; many of us have been exactly where you are and nobody's perfect.

I have people disagreeing with me at every turn, I don't mind that. It's good to have different views and sometimes it's possible to get some useful advice. There's always support here too, no matter what.

whoneedssleepanyway · 20/06/2011 10:41

I am sure some people on here chose to twist things and deliberately mis-interpret things.

Of course "playfully kicking" sounds like a bit of an oxymoron but I am sure what the OP meant was her DD didn't go up and give him a big hard kick on the shin, she was perhaps banging her leg against the chair and kicked him or perhaps tapped him with her foot or something (I speculate but can see what she could mean)...

And OK I am sure lots of troublesome kids get into "top schools" but the OP was just pointing out that her DD isn't generally a naughtly problematic girl...

I know this is AIBU but it does sometimes seem that people just want to start an argument

ellodarlin · 20/06/2011 10:43

"I really want to email him tomorrow to tell him how inappropriate and uncalled for it was. AIBU? What would you do?"

If you must email him then the only appropriate thing to say is how sorry you are that your PFB spoilt brunch by whining and you have given her a talking to about kicking people.

caramelwaffle · 20/06/2011 10:43

DogsBestFriend - yes.

fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 20/06/2011 10:44

Again, if he is such an arse and his daughter is so obnoxious, why in the name of undergoodness did you go?

soverylucky · 20/06/2011 10:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

whoneedssleepanyway · 20/06/2011 10:45

Do none of you lot have friends that you love but don't particularly like their DP?

I can't think of one lovely friend of mine but her DH is not someone I would chose to spend time with but I do because I want to see her....

lurkerspeaks · 20/06/2011 10:46

I wouldn't be so sure.......the most trying 4 yo I know has just got into one of the most competitive schools in the area.

He is super bright but he is also bloody hard work and keeping him in check is really difficult (and I generally don't have a problem). I really pity his teacher next year and the other kids in the class.

Ivortheengine8 · 20/06/2011 10:48

Cherry, if it's your first post on here, you should have said, people might have been a tiny weeny bit nicer. (Can't promise that though!)