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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband of a friend telling off my child

799 replies

900cherry · 19/06/2011 23:16

I was invited out this morning with some neighbours who are good friends. The husband is known to be snappy and to have little patience with his own children.
In the space of an hour, he told my 4 year old daughter to 'stop whining' and in a cafe, he snapped at her to 'OI, STOP THAT' when she kicked him under the table ( she was doing it playfully). My daughter burst into tears and came and sat on my lap. When his wife, who is a good friend, commented to him to calm down, he agressively responded 'Its not my problem if she's crying cos I told her off for not kicking me. She can deal with it'.

She is 4.

I said nothing as I didn't want to upset his wife, who I know was mortified.

I really want to email him tomorrow to tell him how inappropriate and uncalled for it was. AIBU? What would you do?

PS. The ironic thing is, he has an obnoxious daughter who is really badly behaved and I say nothing!

OP posts:
JudysJudgement · 20/06/2011 10:10

maybe he should have just kicked her back, playfully of course Hmm

fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 20/06/2011 10:10

I should add I would have used The Look Of Doom to the child with a very stern "do not kick me again"

superv1xen · 20/06/2011 10:11

hmmmm. a difficult one. i can see both sides here, it sounds like she was being a bit naughty.

but that man sounds a cock.

OryxCrake · 20/06/2011 10:13

Kicking hurts. If your four-year-old had kicked me in a cafe I would probably have said 'Oi, stop that!' as well. If someone surprises you with a kick you tend to respond instinctively.

If you didn't see what was happening, how do you know she did it 'playfully'?

It's not nice when someone tells your child off, but it seems warranted in this instance. If you feel the volume and/or aggression of the shouting was OTT, that's a shame, but it's a good lesson for your little girl that people don't like being kicked and may not always reply gently...

bubblecoral · 20/06/2011 10:14

so the right to tell off a kid, is based on if it hurt or not. Do you really think that?

No, my right to tell of a kid is based on whether it affects me (or my children) or not.

If they kick me, I have the right to tell them off.

If they make a mess in my house, I have the right to tell them off.

If they pour salt into my coffee, I have the right to tell them off.

If they do any of those things to someone else and it is nothing to do with me, I have no right to tell them off, unless they are in my care.

Original poster
900cherry · 20/06/2011 10:15

FM - I called their child obnoxious as I know her well, not just from a 100 word description of a scenario.

OP posts:
thegruffalosma · 20/06/2011 10:15

What did you expect the man to do DP? You said you weren't there. Did you expect him to ever-so-nicely ask your dd if she would please stop kicking him so as not to cause offence? And if she didn't should he have sat their being kicked until you returned.
I strongly suspect that your lax attitude is the reason that your dd thinks she can get away with 'playfully' kicking people. I would be mortified if a friend told me dd had been kicking them and she would have got a 2nd telling off from me.

fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 20/06/2011 10:16

cherry - you shouldn't use language like that if don't want to get it back imho

syrupfairy · 20/06/2011 10:16

good grief cant believe im reading some opf this your sitting right there he should have asked you to speak to your child he has no right to shout at your child when you are sitting right there!!! i would be livid i do keep my children in check and dont allow them to play up when out or in doors but telling them off is MY JOB THANKYOU!!! if he had said he had been kicked what would you have done?

Pictish · 20/06/2011 10:18

She would have said 'she's only playing' I suspect.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 20/06/2011 10:19

900cherry... I was referring to the male friend, your neighbour - not your female friend, his wife. I thought she was out of order too but perhaps telling him to 'calm down' was a reaction to your dismayed response.

I know that if I were in your position, OP, I'd be embarrassed, feel badly for my child and probably be a bit upset but I personally couldn't defend the behaviour of my child. I would apologise but at the time, not now.... and for the record, descriptions of my 'perfect parenting days' could be scribed on a single grain of rice...

lurkerspeaks · 20/06/2011 10:20

YABU.

I firmly believe it takes a village to raise a child. Assuming that no violence is used then I think that any responsible adult has an obligation to deal with any behaviour. Much more powerful if the discipline comes from the person who suffered/ was closest.

Sadly modern society doesn't work like that because there are so many parents who believe that only they have the right to discipline their kids. However, in the real world - school, work, out of school activities, discipline is not only done the 'mummy way' so sooner or later kids have to adjust to different discipline strategies.

I'm strict and don't take any nonsense (or whinging). However kids love to come and spend time with me..... I think they enjoy the clear boundaries I set.

As a salutory tale - the lack of ability to conform to social mores and parents who refuse to allow anyone else to discipline their kids I have just watched a friends ante natal group (the kids are now almost 3) expel/ drop one of their friends because she and her husband discipline in such a wishy washy way. The other Mums are sick of having 10 shades of shit beaten out of their children by her son and of the negative comments when they intervene so they no longer invite her (and her son) along to anything.

I wonder how that makes her feel? Apparently, I've not seen this, if she appears at the local soft play centre everyone else will drift away within 20 minutes because they can't face the tense atmosphere as her 'high spirited' son wreaks havoc whilst she sits and watches.

I sincerely doubt that in the long run her son is going to benefit from this. He already has no friends and nursery, which starts in August (with its associated rules) is going to be sorely trying.

thegruffalosma · 20/06/2011 10:22

I thought the OP said she wasn't there.
Op you are doing your daughter no favours by siding with her here. Kicking is wrong - if she kicks people the majority will tell her off or worse if it's another child. You aren't teaching your daughter that it's wrong to kick but instead you are teaching her that your friends dp was wrong to tell her off. You are just encouraging her to behave like this again in the future. Then you will be the parent who doesn't support the school when they discipline your child and the whole while you are sending the message that your dd can misbehave and you will support her. Before you know it you'll have a badly behaved teen on your hands and you'll be wondering why.

Original poster
900cherry · 20/06/2011 10:23

grufallo, for the millionth time. I don;t disagree with addressing
Intimidating a child by shouting was over the top.

FM- I know their DD well, so am well placed to have an opinion about her. You simply have a 100 words about a sitation that happened.

She no brut. SHe has in fact been selected to go to a top school, very much based on her behaviour (as well as ability).

I am expecting that to annoy you - and I hope it does!

OP posts:
Morloth · 20/06/2011 10:25

Why did you bother asking, if you were so sure you were right?

Pictish · 20/06/2011 10:25

Good luck with it all then Cherry. You sound like a self deluded sap. I am expecting that to annoy you - and I hope it does!

fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 20/06/2011 10:26

900cherry - Why would it annoy me? Does it annoy you that my DS is studying medicine? What a ridiculous statement.

Does not excuse your DD's behaviour or your reaction.

Why won't you answer my questions?

And for the record, I haven't called your DD names.

prettybird · 20/06/2011 10:26

If my ds at 4 had kicked a stranger in a cafe (playfully or not) then

a) that stranger would be perfectly entitled to tell my child off, which would include shouting "Oi stop it"

and more importantly

b) I would be personally mortified that my 4 year child did not know that it was wrong to do so.

and

c) he wouldn't have got a cuddle from me - he would have been told off again by me.

Have to take on trust that this man's child is obnoxious as you haven't given any information on which to make our own assessment - but on what you have said about your own child, she certainly sounds as if she was behaving obnoxiously on this occasion and hasn't been taught appropriate boundaries.

ellodarlin · 20/06/2011 10:26

I would snap if I was kicked and say something along the same lines as the bloke in a very stern way. I am not going to tolerate kicking just because a 3rd person thinks of it as 'playful'.

I think he would have crossed the line if he had hit her, kicked her back or yelled for an excessive length of time, but he didn't, he said 3 sharp words and hey presto! No more kicking. Well done him.

If it affects me then I feel justified in dealing with it. If you don't want your dcs to be told off by other people then keep them indoors or make bloody sure they don't kick people.

Original poster
900cherry · 20/06/2011 10:27

I was asking 'What would you do' when you are aghast about someone's behaviour and they are a good friend. how do you deal with it?

I wasn't in any doubt I felt he did the wrong thing. I wasn't asking for opinion on that - though I got it!!

OP posts:
thegruffalosma · 20/06/2011 10:27

And what if your dd had actually hurt the man (you weren't there after all) and he shouted as a gut reaction. The best way to stop this happening and to stop your dd being upset again is to teach her not to kick people not to teach her that people are wrong for telling her off. Maybe the man did over react. But the main wrong here (which you seem to be glossing over) was the fact that your dd was kicking.

Ivortheengine8 · 20/06/2011 10:28

Lurker, Absolutely. Children thrive on boundaries. Thats where they feel safe and secure, which is what all children need.

Original poster
900cherry · 20/06/2011 10:28

fm, cos people on this site seems to dislike things like that! I know none of you personally of course.

OP posts:
SenoritaViva · 20/06/2011 10:29

900Cherry - I think you have been a 'victim' of writing a poorly written original post. It was not clear that the man shouted plus your choice of playful kicking was very poor.

To be quite honest I think he was unreasonable if he shouted but his choice of words was reasonable and asking your child not to do it was also reasonable.

You have said that you know he's grumpy, he clearly doesn't have great parenting skills and this is the way that he is. I know it isn't ideal but there are all sorts of characters in this world and our children have to learn to deal with them.

I suspect that, as you are not someone who raises their voice, your DD was particularly shocked by a raised voice.

I don't think he was unreasonable to either tell your DD to stop whining or to stop kicking him. My DH would have done both, albeit in a much better manner.

whoneedssleepanyway · 20/06/2011 10:29

OP can I just check was it the fact he reprimanded her at all as you don't believe it was necessary or was it the manner in which he did it that you are upset about?

If he had asked her to stop kicking him, and told her to stop whining in a less aggressive fashion would you have been ok with that?