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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be really fucked off re Fathers Day

52 replies

slightlyunbalanced · 19/06/2011 18:26

Ex DH is a twat, we don't get on he regually tries to have me arrested/sacked very very acrimonious.

He did nothing for me for mothers day, my OH and my best friend gave the kids some money and she took them out and they got me a gorgeous necklace and card etc.

He has been so foul recently (he has rejected one of our children who isn't biolgoically his yet who he continued to see 5 years after our separation) and generally a shit father that I couldn't bring myself to organise anything and I have been busy with work.

They were there this weekend and his g/fs daughter presented their dad with a massive card and present in front of them when they clearly had nothing to give him.

Just thinking AIBU to think what a bitch his girlfriend was not to include our kids in that too?!

Feel really Sad for my kids.

OP posts:
ShirleyKnot · 19/06/2011 18:30

YABU.

You have to try to separate your justifiable anger at your ex from your children's relationship with their father. It is hard but it is absolutely the right thing to do.

Original poster
slightlyunbalanced · 19/06/2011 18:31

Even when every time I contact him on a child related matter he contacts the police and reports me for "harrassment"? Hmm

OP posts:
psiloveyou · 19/06/2011 18:32

That's a tough one. If you don't want your dc to feel shit you should have helped them make or buy a card. I can understand why you wouldn't want to if your ex is a twunt (I have one of those). Sometimes though it is better to be the bigger person because when they are older your dc will realise what you have done for them.

How old are your dc?. Most children make cards at school these days.

miniwedge · 19/06/2011 18:32

You didn't bother helping the kids get him anything but his gf is a bitch not to have done it?

She probably assumed you would be doing it. You can't have it both ways. Appreciate he is a twunt but you kind of have to be the bigger person sometimes for the sake of the kids.

Mamaz0n · 19/06/2011 18:34

sorry but yabu.

My ex is a vile peice of donkey turd, but to my children he is the father they love.

You should have at the very least helped them get a card.

His gf is not out of order to have helped her child do what you didn't.

he sounds like a wanker, but that doesn't mean you should drop to his level

Original poster
slightlyunbalanced · 19/06/2011 18:35

She did on purpose to make my kids feel like shit. This is a classic thing for her to do.

Me not bothering is a side issue I didn't expect her kid to have got him something seeing as he is not her dad - she has just spent 3 weeks with her dad and he has only lived with her for 2 yrs my kids are 14 and 12.

OP posts:
ShirleyKnot · 19/06/2011 18:35

Yes even then I'm afraid. I took my kids out yesterday to buy a card and present for their wanker shithead of a father.

I did it for my children. Not for him.

ShirleyKnot · 19/06/2011 18:37

X posted. At 12 and 14 the kids are old enough to sort something out for themselves to be honest although my two are of similarish ages and are bloody hopeless

psiloveyou · 19/06/2011 18:37

My ex reported me to SS three times when dd was younger. They took no action and I didn't know anything about it. Several years ago dd (now adult) was working for SS and had to learn how to use a computer programme. One day she put her own name into the system and found a record of the complaints. So ex was well and truly busted. she was livid with him.
What goes around comes around. Just be the bigger person, in the future your dc will appreciate and love you even more for it.

Mamaz0n · 19/06/2011 18:39

My dc have lived with Dp for 2 years. They will refer to him as their "stepdad". I think that your view of her actions being deliberate to try and upset your children says a lot about the relationship you have with her and your x.

Im sorry but i think you need to try and step back.

at 14 and 12 they could have been given a fiver each and told to get something themselves tbh. you needn't have been involved with it in any way shape or form.

ellodarlin · 19/06/2011 18:39

YABU

They are old enough to do something themselves

If the GF had done something she would have been slated. She is in a no win situation.

You could have done something

Him not doing mothers day doesn't mean that you can not do fathers day then get hoity toity when nobody else does either.

Snorbs · 19/06/2011 18:40

"She did on purpose to make my kids feel like shit. "

So it cannot possibly be that she assumed that your DC's mother would have put her own feelings to one side for a moment and encouraged the DCs to buy or make a card for their father? Um, if you say so.

BooyHoo · 19/06/2011 18:40

YABU

sorry but this is about your kids, not him and you not helping them pick something or suggesting they make a card resulted in them feeling really bad. be the bigger person for your kids' sakes.

Original poster
slightlyunbalanced · 19/06/2011 18:40

Maybe I should have it just seems like such a bloody farce when he is crap and does everything he can to worm out of his responsibilities, slags me off to the kids yet does nothing to help me, and refuses to get them a card for me - when they have asked him to.

That aside I am just shocked that she did that it was cruel and mean not to include them, and to do it in front of them.

OP posts:
ellodarlin · 19/06/2011 18:43

Why couldn't your kids sort out your mothers day card by themselves.

When the gf was 'doing it in front of them' why didn't they speak up and ask if they could go in on it?

BooyHoo · 19/06/2011 18:44

actually i've just seen the kids' ages and i think the 14 year old at least is old enough to have taken the initiative and said to the 12 year old about getting something for dad. do they get pocket money? a simple reminder from you during the week would have been enough from you.

Original poster
slightlyunbalanced · 19/06/2011 18:44

My best friend and partner sorted out mothers day with them. They couldn't ask when she had given it to him could they? That was the first they knew of it.

OP posts:
Mamaz0n · 19/06/2011 18:46

Your thread reminded me of a post by glitterknickerz recently. it was a slightly different situation but it describes how much respect she has for her mother now, as an adult, she looks back at how she behaved post break up.

"From a child's perspective though, It reminds me of when my mum, when I was younger, handing us over for contact with my dad, who for the first time, was including the OW in contact. My mum came out of our house, and as calmly and with as much dignity as she could muster, said to OW "these are my children. Please treat them with the respect they deserve" before turning on her heels back into the house. ( I have since learnt she spent two hours sobbing afterwards)

I was hit with such a huge amount of respect for her, which in turn made me understand how much she was hurting, bit how she had been so brave for us. That incident also kind of allowed me to give OW a chance ( as it seemed my mother was) and she was lovely to us. Destroying though the situation must have been for my mum we as kids were certainly never aware of conflict between our parents. Upset, yes. But I never heard either parent speak negatively about the other and I can't tell you how much I appreciate that they managed to hide their disdain for each other. They get on ok now btw."

I think that to rise above this bitterness. To put aside your own hurt and anger and just do things that grate on you for the sake of your children is going to be what your DC remember in years to come.
AS adults they will look back at their father and remember the things he said about you. But by smiling sweetly through it all and never allowing negativity from your lips they will know that he was teh one in the wrong.

I understand how hard ti is, i truly truly do (the antics of my ex are well known on MN) but you must rise above it all for your DC sake.

jade80 · 19/06/2011 18:47

Your children are old enough to get him something themselves. If they were embarassed or bothered this time, they will do next time. If they don't next year, maybe they just aren't that bothered! I wouldn't feel bad if I was you- he didn't help them get you anything, so why should you help them get him something? Anyway, Fathers' Day is just a made up 'Hallmark Holiday' unlike Mothers' Day which has a long history. Don't beat yourself up over it.

JudysJudgement · 19/06/2011 18:47

agrees with snorbs

just because she did something and you didnt, that doesnt mean she is a bitch, maybe it means you are :/

ellodarlin · 19/06/2011 18:48

I know your friend and DP sorted out mothers day with them but I didn't understand why a 12 and 14 yo weren't capable of doing it alone and why they weren't capable of taking the initiative for fathers day.

Original poster
slightlyunbalanced · 19/06/2011 18:53

Judy she is a bitch believe me. She would like nothing more than to not have my kids in her house and she has already succeeded
in ousting one of them and put one of her own kids into care aged 12.

OP posts:
marycorporate · 19/06/2011 18:53

I'm not sure, my partner's ex gets really cross if I try and get a present or card for my DSD to give to her dad. She says its her job as it was her that had the child with him blah blah blah - fine by me as it saves me the money!

It sounds as if your anger towards your ex is 100% justifiable. However, it is easy to assume someone's motives for doing something. Maybe she thought you would get the card and gift and didnt want to go ahead and do something else and put your nose out of joint or embarrass the child. Have you bought a fathers day gift for him in previous years?

MrsKravitz · 19/06/2011 18:53

yes, my 6 year old has been on aboiut it for weeks

MrsKravitz · 19/06/2011 18:54

sorry posting slow...that was in response to ellodarlin